Forever and Almost Always (25 page)

I loved my wife. I can’t say I never did, but it wasn’t the same love that I felt for Charlee, and my wife knew it. She always knew that she was my second choice, and she never let me forget it. When we first got together, I never thought that I would ever hear from Charlee again, let alone see her. We were even somewhat happy for the most part, but the minute I got that note from Taylor asking me to call, my entire world changed.

When I got back from California, my wife was waiting for me at home. She sat on the edge of the couch, with a suitcase packed and keys in her hand. I convinced her to hold on just a little bit longer, to give me time to figure some things out, but she was done and honestly, so was I. Now I was driving with her to go finalize our divorce papers. She had been giving me hell all morning, but I was suffering through it for the sake of my sanity. I didn’t want this marriage to end on bad terms, and I needed to make sure that she didn’t take me to the cleaners when it came to the divorce. I was basically biding my time, until she was ready to let me go for good.

I was caught up in my thoughts of Charlee when I heard a faint honking of a horn in the far off distance. Before I could even glance back at the car that the honking was coming from, glass was flying everywhere and I was being ejected through the windshield. Everything was running in slow motion. My head flung back and hit the seat, and then I was catapulted over the steering wheel and through the windshield. I could feel the glass cutting every inch of my face as I landed in the street. My chest hurt and I could taste the metallic taste of my blood pooling in my mouth. Small sharp, grainy pieces of gravel were protruding through my skin, as my face lay lifeless against the ground. I blinked my eyes for a brief second, and then my entire life flashed before me.

I saw nothing of my recent life, which was odd. Every flash of memory was of my time with Charlee. I could see her face almost as though she was right in front of me. I could smell her vanilla lotion that she insisted on using, even though I couldn’t stand the smell of it. I could hear her voice calling me. Asking me to be with her. My eyes opened seconds later, and all I could see were flashes of red and blue. I could hear people talking, but couldn’t make out anything they were saying. Seconds later, my world went black.

I gave up and fell into the dark oblivion where everything was uncomplicated. Life was easier. Choices didn’t need to be made, I was free to do whatever I pleased and best of all, I was free to be with Charlee with no remorse. Some say this would be considered hell, but this was my heaven. Being with Charlee, no matter the place, would always be my heaven.

I felt my body lift from the ground, and then the faint sound of my heartbeat was all I could hear. I could feel every vein, every artery and every muscle come to life, and I secretly wanted to scream out in agony. I wasn’t ready to leave Charlee. I needed her to live. I needed to be able to be with her whole-heartedly.

“I have a pulse. Let’s get him into surgery.”

I wasn’t sure where I was and who was talking around me, but it sounded bad. I was fading in and out and couldn’t grasp on to anything tangible, other than random words that were being shout out.

“We’re about to lose him again. Let’s get him under now. Call neuro.”

In my mind I was trying to force myself to speak. To tell whoever it was around me, to just let me go so I could be with her. Then she appeared. Charlee came back to me. She was standing across from me, smiling that mega watt smile.

“What are you doing here?” I waited for an answer, but she just stood there with a smile. No words passed between those beautiful lips, and her expression never changed. “Say something Charlee, anything.” Still she didn't answer. “I miss you, Charlee. Every single minute of every single day.” I needed her to answer me. I needed to hear her voice in my time of weakness. I moved towards her, and she started to fade away. “Wait, Charlee. Don’t go.” It was too late. She was gone. I started running. Trying to chase after her, but she was nowhere to be found. I shouted her name, but the only thing I heard was the echo of my own voice bouncing off the walls. I urged myself to keep running down the white walled hallway, even though I was going nowhere. There was nobody to be found, and nowhere else to go, but down the exact same hallway.

Finally a corner appeared, and I ran around it, hoping it would lead me to Charlee, but all it led me to, was more white walls. I stopped running. I stood in the middle of the hallway and looked in every different direction. I was trying to catch my breath, when my body gave out. I was on the ground, and my heart was struggling to keep beating. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t feel. My body was slowly shutting down and I was all alone. My body arched off of the ground again and I took in a deep breath of fresh air. I could smell the ocean, and that damn vanilla lotion again, and it reminded me of when we were in California together. I smiled. I smiled knowing that if this was the last memory I was able to access before I died, at least it was a good one. Then the blackness took over again, and I took my last breath.

Chapter Forty

Charlee

I was just about to walk out the door and head to work, when my phone started ringing from my purse. I reached into my oversized bag for it, almost missing the call in the process. Because it took me so long to find my phone, I didn’t bother checking the caller ID before I answered.

“Hello?”

“Is this Charlee?”

“This is. Can I ask who is calling?”

“My name is Rachael. I’m Dax’s wife.”

My heart stopped and my mouth went dry. I wasn’t sure what to say. I wasn’t even sure as to why she was calling me. “Um…hi?”

“Look, I’m sorry to call you, but there’s been an accident.”

“I’m sorry, I’m confused. Aren’t you his wife? Why are you calling
me,
if you’re there with him?”

“He’s asking for
you.
”

I sat down on my front porch, to compose myself before continuing this conversation with a woman that knew exactly who I was. “I don’t think it’s a good idea if I come up there. Is..Is he okay?”

There was a long pause before she answered and I nearly had a heart attack because of the silence. “They had to shock him twice, and he’s in critical condition. Look, I didn’t want to call you. You’re the last person I wanted to call, but I’m trying to be the bigger person here. Can you please just come up to Phoenix Memorial? I’ll wait for you in the lobby.”

Before I could answer her, she hung up. I pushed myself up from the front steps and got into my car. I felt like Alice, in Alice and Wonderland, having to choose which direction to go. I knew what my heart was telling me to do, but my head knew it was a bad idea. I was finally starting to heal a little bit after what had happened. But seeing him, seeing him would bring it all back. The feelings, the memories, and the life I once wanted with him. I quickly turned the wheel and was suddenly heading in the direction of the hospital. I was terrified that this could possibly be my last chance to see him, if he was in that bad of shape. I was trying to prepare myself for the onslaught of questions, and the evil looks for the mistress who her husband still loved, but nothing could’ve prepared me for what I was about to walk in on.

I pulled up to the hospital about thirty minutes later, and slowly made my way into the lobby. I didn’t know what his wife looked like, but I’m sure she knew what
I
looked like, so I wasn’t worried. When a familiar face started walking towards me, my heart began to hurt. I never knew his wife’s name before today, and it still didn't click in my brain. He never said it. He went out of his way to not say it, and now I knew why. As she approached me, my breathing became erratic and I had to force myself to calm down. I had to remember that she was who he chose.

“It’s been a long time.”

“That it has, Rachael. Where is he?”

“He’s upstairs in the ICU. They said that he has to go in for a post-op scan and that he will be back in about thirty minutes. That gives us thirty minutes to talk.”

“I’m not so sure that’s a good idea. Look Rachael, you won. You have him. He’s yours. I just came to make sure that he was still alive. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn't at least come by.”

“Just sit down, Charlee and give me a minute.”

I sat down in the chair right behind me, closing my eyes and taking in a deep breath as she started talking.

“I knew he never loved me. I thought maybe over time, he could learn to love me, but I knew even if he did that love would never compare to what the two of you had, or have. I fell in love with him before he met you. When I got pregnant, I honestly thought that was our chance to be together. I knew I was fooling myself. When he took me to get the abortion, I knew how much he cared about you. If he was willing to do that to keep you, I knew what that meant.”

“Wait a second, he took you to get an abortion?” I was flabbergasted.

“Sorry, did you not know that?”

“No, he just told me he took care of it. I didn’t know what he meant, until now.” I hung my head in defeat.

“When you left him, you broke him. Not just figuratively speaking either. He was so depressed and distraught when we started hanging out again, that I didn’t even know how to be there for him. But I learned. I got him through all of it, and we were happy. But, I knew the minute you came back into his life. His whole demeanor changed. He was distant and cold and I knew that the only reason he would ever leave me, would be because of you.”

I tried to interrupt her, but she put her hand up.

“Just let me finish. He doesn’t love me, Charlee, and honestly I don’t think I love him either. At least not the way you’re supposed to love someone you’re married to. He needs you now more than ever, and if you can’t be there for him I understand, but he wants
you
. He asked for
you
. We were heading to the courthouse to finalize our divorce, so don’t think you were the cause, because you weren’t. Him and I were at fault. We knew we weren’t meant to be together.”

“Rachael what are you saying?”

“I’m saying I’m walking away. You two belong together. I know it, you know it, and he knows it. Hell everybody who has ever met the two of you knows it. Go to him. Go be with him before I change my mind.”

I stood up from the chair and glanced over at the elevators. I turned back to Rachael and smiled. “Thank you, Rachael. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that this is how it ended for the two of you.”

“We were over a long time ago. Tell him I said good-bye.”

“I will.” I watched her walk away and out the hospital doors, before I turned and ran. I ran like I was on fire to get to those elevators, and up to the only man I had ever loved. I slowed my pace as I approached the nurse’s station. I didn’t want to go in to see him and react badly, making him even more anxious than he probably already was. So I tried to get myself together now.

“Hi, can I help you?”

The short nurse behind the desk was looking at me as though I was in the wrong place. “I’m looking for Dax Harper.”

“And you are?”

“I’m his…um…I’m. I’m Charlee. His wife Rachael said I could come up.” I swallowed down the bile that rose in my throat at calling her his wife. I had to just keep reminding myself that they were in the process of getting a divorce.

“Oh, okay. He’s right down the hall, on the right. Room 211.”

“Thank you.”

My feet were going faster than the rest of my body, and before I knew it, I was standing in front of the glass doors to his room. I looked up with tears in my eyes, as he lay there half dead. He looked so lifeless, so at rest. I reached for the handle on the door, but couldn’t bring myself to open it. But I had to do this, so I shook off my anxiety and fear, closed my eyes and took a deep breath as I slid open the door.

I wasn’t sure if he was still unconscious, so I pulled a chair over to the side of his bed and sat down. I was afraid to touch him. His face was almost unrecognizable with the amount of swelling from the trauma to his face. His head was wrapped in gauze across his left eye and all around his head. It was heart breaking to see him in this condition and every time I would look at his face, a shiver would run down my spine. He had to be okay. He had to come back to me. This couldn’t be how our story ended.

“You can touch him, and we encourage the family to talk to them. I know it may seem like he can’t hear you, but I like to think he can.”

I glanced up at the same nurse from the desk with a half-hearted smile. “Are you sure?”

She walked towards me, checking the dozens of monitors that were attached to him, as she smiled back at me. “I promise, it will at least make you feel better. Just try it. I’ll be back in about twenty minutes to check on him again.”

I nodded and slowly reached for his hand. His fingers were colder than I remembered, but it put my heart at ease being able to touch him again. I gave his hand a gentle squeeze and leaned forward clutching his hand to my chest.

“I’m not sure if you can hear me. This is stupid.” I whispered the last part just in case he
could
hear me. “I don’t even know what to say, Dax. I wasn’t prepared to see you again, ever. When you left, well, never mind it isn’t important now. I miss you. I’ve missed you, so much. I’m sure you expected to hear your wife’s voice, but I talked to her. She’s actually the one who called me. I didn’t know it was
her
this entire time. I didn’t know that you had married,
Rachael.
God, this is all coming out wrong. Maybe I should just be quiet.” I let go of his hand and sat back, covering my face with my hands. I had no idea what to say to him. I was at a loss for words, and my heart was breaking just seeing him in this condition.

“Don’t stop.” His voice was horse, and I wasn’t sure I had heard him correctly.

“Oh my god, Dax? Are you awake?”

I leaned forward, grabbing his hand again. This time my grasp was firm. I pressed the call button for the nurse and tried to look at him.