Forever and Always (20 page)

“How is he doing?” Cassie asked.

“Nothing has changed, but the last seizure wasn't as bad as the one before it.”

“What about his medicine? He never brings it to the bank.”

“I wouldn't know what to tell you. The doctor might decide to change the medicine.”

“I wonder if he has any better clothes,” Cassie said. “I can't believe he's always dressed like he doesn't have two bits to his name.”

“I expect he's going to be in bed for a while,” Sibyl said. “We have plenty of time to worry about clothes.”

“What about Trusty?”

Sibyl turned to see her daughter standing in the doorway to the kitchen. “I thought you went with your Aunt Naomi.”

“I was going to, but I saw Trusty hiding under the front steps. We have to feed him while Logan is sick.”

Sibyl wasn't ready to think about adding a dog to her responsibilities, but it was obvious Kitty was. “Run ask the butcher if he has any bones.”

Kitty looked upset. “We can't feed Trusty bones.”

Sibyl grinned at her daughter's frown. “I meant bones with some meat on them. I'll ask the Hill brothers what they feed their dogs. In the meantime, ask the butcher if he has any scraps.”

“I'll go with Kitty,” Mae volunteered. “You don't want her coming back with nothing but fat.”

“Why did you bring Logan here?” Cassie asked as soon as the door closed behind Mae and Kitty. They were standing in the front parlor, a room as uncomfortable as Sibyl felt under Cassie's questioning.

“Where else could I have taken him? I couldn't send him back to his camp in the woods.”

“Nobody's saying anything now, but they've got to be wondering why a single woman, and one who's recently widowed, would bring a single man into her home. Are you going to look after him?”

“Of course. Who else should do it?”

“I don't know, but why does it have to be you?”

Sibyl felt like she was being backed into a corner, and she didn't like it. “He works with me. I couldn't have managed the bank without him. He's become a good friend.”

“If you ask me, I'd say it was more than that.”

“Well, I didn't ask you, and I'd be grateful if you didn't say anything like that again.”

“It won't matter if I say it or not. Others will soon enough. What are you going to tell them?”

“No one I respect will ask such a question.”

“That's ridiculous. I'm sure Naomi's wondering the exact same thing right now.”

Sibyl was certain of it. She had seen the question in Naomi's eyes. Mae's curiosity had been even more evident. “I expect she is, but she won't think less of me.”

“No one who knows you could ever think badly of you, but you own a bank. The public are your customers. That means you're a public figure. People are going to want to know what kind of person has charge of their money. They'll think if you're honest in your private life, you'll be honest with their money.”

“That's absurd. They have nothing to do with each other. Norman was a miserable person in his private life, but he was an excellent businessman.”

“But you're a woman. They're going to look at you differently.”

Sibyl was worried about Logan's health. She was wondering how she could run the bank and take care of him. She worried how it would affect Kitty if he died. She didn't have time to worry what the people of Cactus Corner would think of what she'd done. “Why are you asking these questions?”

“You're a wonderful woman and will be a good bank president, but you're naive when it comes to people, especially people you think are your friends. Being Norman's long-suffering wife and his widow has brought you widespread sympathy, but all of that will change now. Your situation is a lot like mine. You're a beautiful single woman who's rich and owns a bank. That makes you the most envied person in Cactus Corner. Women are going to be jealous of you. Men are going to think you're above your station. Unconsciously or otherwise, they're going to try to bring you down to their level. Any tidbit of gossip will be nurtured and passed along. Everyone will have their own versions of why you do what you do. Most of them won't be flattering.”

“I can't believe people will be that malicious.”

“I do because I know what people say about me. I'm young, single, and beautiful. I'm paid to smile to bring customers into the bank, but many people think I smile to coax them into my bed, even though everyone knows I've led a depressingly blameless life ever since Abe was killed.”

Sibyl had to admit Cassie was right because she'd heard what people said. Nothing she had said had been able to make any difference. Men saw a beautiful, unattached woman as a temptation, and women saw her as a rival. “Everybody knows Logan isn't well. They won't be upset when they know I brought him here rather than let him return to his camp in the woods. He could die out there, and no one would know.”

“What if he dies anyway?”

Sibyl refused to face that possibility. “The doctor will figure out what's wrong. He'd probably be well by now if he'd gone to the doctor when he got here.”

Cassie walked over to where Sibyl was staring out the window and gently turned her until they were facing each other. “Are you in love with him? I wouldn't blame you if you were. He's a wonderful man.”

The question wasn't as much of a shock as Sibyl had expected. “Of course not. Why would you ask such a question?”

“Because he's going to die, and I'd hate to see you lose the first man you could really love.”

Too late. I already lost the first one!
Sibyl refused to think about that handsome, young Union soldier and banished his image from her mind. “Whatever happens, I have to do everything I can to make sure Logan gets well. He's always said he wouldn't stay here long. Why would I let myself fall in love with a man I knew was going to leave?”

“Because we can't control who we love. And I think you love Logan. You've just been denying it. After being married to a man like Norman, who wouldn't love Logan?”

Sibyl wasn't ready to admit her true feelings. “I do have strong feelings for Logan. I like and admire him very much. I'm also immensely grateful for the help he's given me with the bank and for teaching Kitty how to laugh. I know some people wonder how I could be so fond of a man with such distorted facial features, but I hardly see that anymore. I just see the kind of person he is underneath all that. That's who the children see, too.”

“I just don't want you to get hurt. You deserve a wonderful man who can give you love and more children.”

“So do you.”

Cassie sighed. “All men ever see is my face. What will happen when I get old?”

“You'll always be beautiful.”

“Well, you're beautiful and rich. How can you tell if a man loves you for yourself?”

“I don't know.” But what about a man who'd fallen in love with her against his will, a man who was sure he was going to die? She could trust his love, couldn't she? Logan had never put his feelings into words, but she could see them in his eyes, feel them in the sound of his voice, sense them in his presence. It was in the very air that hung between them. She had been the one to hold back her feelings.

The creak of the stairs told her that the doctor had finished his examination and was coming down. Both she and Cassie faced him eagerly.

“I don't know what to tell you,” the doctor said without waiting for them to speak. He looked tired, frustrated, even angry. “I can't find anything wrong with his vital organs, but it's clear he's dying. It's almost as if he's being poisoned.”

“But that's impossible,” Sibyl said. “He gets his food at the mercantile in town or from hunting. He feeds his dog the same things, and the dog is thriving.”

“That's what he told me,” the doctor replied, “but something is causing a steady decline. I wish I knew what his doctor prescribed for him.”

“Colby can get his medicine from his camp.”

“Good. I'll ask him to go tomorrow.”

“Can I see Logan now?”

“He's sleeping, so I wouldn't bother him until he wakes up. When he does, give him nothing but clear liquids. He doesn't have enough strength to keep throwing up everything he puts in his mouth. I'll be back later this evening. I need time to see if I can find something that will explain what's happening to him.”

“I'd better go find Little Abe,” Cassie said. “He's going to be upset when he hears about Logan. He likes to pretend it could have been his grandfather in Logan's stories.”

“Peter pretends it's himself when he grows up. I don't know what kind of magic he has with children, but they all adore him.”

“It's not confined to children,” Cassie said. “You and I admire him, and Horace takes everything he says like it's gospel. Even Colby and Jared are impressed by him, and that's not easy to do.”

“Everybody likes him,” Sibyl added. “He
can't
die.”

But he would unless the doctor could find out what was wrong.

* * *

Sibyl had seldom entered Norman's bedroom since his death, but Logan's presence had changed the feeling of the room. The four-poster bed took on the character of a shelter rather than a throne. The dark, imposing furniture had become sentinels rather than aristocrats looking down their noses at her. Even the size of the room was no longer intimidating. The mossy green wallpaper was soothing rather than gloomy, the heavy brocade curtains reassuring rather than stiff and formal.

She didn't know how long she'd sat by Logan's bed, but it was long enough for the bowl of clear beef broth to have gone cold. It was long enough that the twilight of evening had turned into the dark of night. Kitty had been asleep for hours. Trusty lay outside the bedroom door, occasionally whining for the man separated from him by a wood barrier. Sibyl was certain the bedroom door was badly scarred where Trusty had scratched trying to get in.

Sibyl wished she could whine or do something that would release the terrible pressure that weighed on her like a huge boulder. Logan had lain in a deep sleep ever since the doctor's first visit. He hadn't waked during the second visit or when Kitty came to tell him good night. Sibyl's heart nearly broke when her daughter knelt beside Logan's bed and prayed that he would get well. The child who had never done anything wrong in her life promised she'd do whatever God wanted if He'd just make Logan better. Naomi and Colby had come by to offer to do whatever they could. Mae had brought the beef broth and promised to bring another bowl first thing in the morning. The stream of visitors had been steady all afternoon. It was a relief to lock her door after posting a note that she'd gone to bed.

But she hadn't gone to bed because she knew she wouldn't sleep. So here she sat, staring at Logan's unresponsive body, and praying silently a prayer much like the one offered by her daughter hours earlier.

She didn't promise to be good in return for Logan's recovery. That was a foolish thing to do, yet she felt the urge to make a bargain with some unseen power. There must have been a reason why such a healthy man was taken mysteriously ill. If that was true, there had to be something that could be offered in exchange for sparing him. She kept telling herself not to be foolish, but she couldn't drive the thought from her mind. Had Logan done something terrible? Had
she
done something so terrible that a man she hadn't known should be made to suffer?

She had to be losing her mind. She'd never acted like this before. Is that what love did to a woman who'd given up hoping she would ever experience it again? The first time she'd been in love, she was too young to know what it meant. It had been exhilaration over a future so fantastic that it brushed aside reality. It had been promises given without thought of consequences. It had been blind faith that this was how her life was meant to be, and neither her parents nor the war that was tearing a country apart could change that.

But she was older now. She'd lived with the reality of crushed dreams. She'd experienced the emptiness of promises given by those who never meant to keep them. And she'd learned that many things much less powerful than parents or war could rip a life asunder. Which made what she was feeling for Logan all that much more important.

She loved this man. There was no reason why she should. She knew little about him because he hid his past from her. He was neither rich nor handsome. He was very ill and could easily die. Most important of all, he'd never said he loved her. There was absolutely no reason she should have fallen in love with him. But she had, and it was time she admitted it.

But even as her mind accepted that, she wondered if she really knew what love was. Her parents hadn't loved her, or they'd never have forced her to marry Norman Spencer. Norman hadn't loved her. She was just another possession to bolster his image of himself. Her daughter and cousins loved her, but that wasn't the same as a man's love. She even wondered if she'd been in love with her handsome soldier, or whether she'd just been in love with the excitement of rebellion.

She couldn't compare her feelings to Naomi's for Colby. They were devoted to each other, but they were fiercely independent. Her feelings weren't like those of Jared and Laurie, either. They could barely keep their hands off each other for as much as half a day. Her feelings for Logan were a quiet thing, though no less powerful for its lack of visible energy. Looking at him now, she just wanted to be able to sit next to him, to hold his hand, to have him put his arm around her. It wasn't much, but it would be more than she'd ever had. It would nourish a soul that felt as barren as a desert.

“Why?” she asked aloud, but she hardly knew which question she looked to answer first. Why had he contracted an illness no doctor could identify? Why had she fallen in love with him? Why had he found his way to Cactus Corner if he was just going to die once he got here? Questions bombarded her like a blizzard. She felt defenseless before the onslaught. She wanted to run away, but there was no way to hide from herself.