Forever Baby (37 page)

With gratitude comes peace, and with peace comes acceptance. With that acceptance, I was able to find me, the person I have always wanted to be. Whole—I am a complete person, imperfections and all. I still have my cracks, but I am no longer broken, not by a long shot.

I feel happiness.

Four Months Later

It is a rainy spring day in April, but it is absolutely glorious because I am done. I just finished my last exam. I have my student teaching left to do, but there are no more pointless classes, assignments, and tests. I am done. I am looking forward to the summer. Life for me is so uncomplicated at the moment, and I love it.

I stopped contacting Andres a month after I returned from my New Year’s trip. He hasn’t returned any of my calls, texts, or messages, and I am actually okay with it—for the most part. I am still madly in love with him, and I miss him every second of the day, but I can’t turn back time and change what I did. If he can’t take me back because of it, it is something I will have to live with.

I dream about Andres most nights, and I wake up happy. I am happy because I got to love and be loved by the most remarkable man in the world. It didn’t end as I would have hoped, but it changed me in ways that I have yet to fully grasp.

I am not the same person as I was. I am strong, independent, and whole. I no longer doubt myself, but instead, I feel pride for how great I really am. I don’t want to sound cocky…but if I am not my biggest fan, then who else will be? I don’t need a man or a friend to hold me up. I am firmly planted on my own two feet.

Once I finally realized that my own insecurities were my biggest downfall, something happened. A switch flipped in my brain, and I was able to change. It turns out that I had the ability to change my perception all along. I simply needed the strength to do it.

I was able to experience a mind-blowing, marvelous connection with Andres, and now that I know that it is possible for me, I am not going to settle for less. I deserve it all—the rainbows, lollipops, and fireworks…every last blast. I really hope I find it again, but if I don’t, I will be happy simply being me because I am enough.

Nolan and I are still friends. We’re not as close as we once were, but I think that separation was inevitable. It took him a couple of months to heal his broken heart before he could bear to be around me as friends. He has turned into quite the make-out whore around campus, and to be honest…I think it is great. He was only with Abby and me previously, and he has always been such a flirt. He deserves to let loose and hook up with a bunch of gorgeous girls, right? I think he knew that our romantic relationship was finished when he told me about hooking up with one of my sorority sisters. I believe that he imagined me getting upset or at least showing signs of jealousy, but I didn’t because I wasn’t. I was happy for him. He isn’t dating anyone seriously, but he is keeping his social life busy. I know that his perfect other half is out there, waiting to find him. She is going to be everything he needs, and she will give him what I couldn’t—a happily ever after that he deserves, a forever.

We still hang out about twice a week, and even though it is not seven days a week, like before, I like it better. We have learned to establish new boundaries to our friendship. We are no longer flirty friends. That was too confusing and probably unhealthy, especially for Nolan, who is trying to move on.

I still love Nolan, and I always will. He played such an important role in this journey. He comforted me and made me feel secure when I wasn’t. His love and friendship filled the void in my soul, quieted the doubting voice in my head, gave me courage when I needed it, and empowered me with strength to go on this journey that ultimately changed my life. I owe so much to him. Nolan’s unconditional love held me up until I found myself. I will always be truly grateful for him. Nolan loves me enough to remain friends even though he might have wanted more, and for this, too, I am so thankful. A life without Nolan is not a life I can imagine, nor would I want to.

Cara has a new boyfriend, and she is quite enamored with him. His name is Dan, and she is in love—at least for now. She spends most of her time in his room at the frat house. We still go out together—sometimes with Dan and Nolan in tow—but not as much as before, and that is okay, too.

I like the alone time in our apartment. I am not lonely anymore.

Apparently, I am the walking poster child for finding oneself, and it rocks. This roller coaster of a year has taught me so much, and it made me a stronger person. I learned how to love, how to lose, and how to find peace with all the craziness that life will inevitably throw at me. I didn’t need worrying parents or a doctor’s psychoanalysis to find myself. I needed to find my once-in-a-lifetime love, to lose him, and to fall into the dark depths of depression. I needed two best friends to love and support me unconditionally throughout all my self-doubt and idiotic mistakes. Finally, I required the experience that came with this past year to discover the courage to keep going. I simply needed time to grow up and figure it out on my own, and in the end, I realized that I am enough, and I deserve it all.

I take in the warm, wet air as I pass several of my favorite spring trees lining the street to my apartment. I don’t know what kind of trees they are, but every spring, they explode with pink flowers. Fragrant, bright pink flowers take over every branch. There are so many that I can’t even see the leaves. It’s just a ball of pinkness atop a tree trunk, and it’s so lovely. The unfortunate thing is that these trees bloom for such a short time. There are only a couple of days before the flowers fall. I watch as the rain falls from the pink petals, carrying some of the petals to the puddles below. With this relentless rain, the divine pink petals will all be on the ground tomorrow.

Switching my gaze from the puddles with the floating petals to the view in front of me, I see someone sitting on the front porch of my house. I squint to make out the figure through the raindrops, but when he stands and faces me, I know exactly whom it is.

Oh my Lord, he is here. He is really here, standing in front of me!

Why is he here? What does this mean?

I need a moment to take this in.

Deep breaths.

I stop, frozen by indecision.

Do I run up to him, jump in his arms, and kiss him senseless?

Or do I walk calmly to him and see why he is here?

Or do I stand still and wait for him to make a move?

I go with my foremost thought. Andres being here can only mean one thing.

I run the block distance between us, and then I lunge myself into his arms when I am close enough. He catches me as my arms and legs circle around him. My pulse soars as he tightens his grip around my back, and my mouth finds his. I am not even thinking straight at this moment. My body takes over, and my body needs him. It is physically painful to be near him. My desire to touch and kiss every inch of his body is all-consuming. I want to devour him until I pass out. Our kiss is powerful and needy, extraordinary. I am helpless, completely riveted by this man. There is a light assault of raindrops on my skin, but all I can concentrate on is our kiss. Our tongues dance, twirling around each other, like two long-lost lovers starving for contact. We kiss for I don’t know how long in my perfect bubble of happiness.

He eventually pulls his lips from mine and says in a husky whisper, “I couldn’t live without you.”

Tears pour down my cheeks, falling in line with the streams of rain falling down my face. “Thank God!”

Ravenously hungry for his sweet taste, I plunge my mouth onto his once more. My legs refuse to release from his waist, so he makes his way up the creaky stairs to my apartment, holding me the whole way. When my lips leave his, it is only so they can devour every inch of his face and neck. I can’t resist him. He tastes divine and smells heavenly—all sexy, yummy Andres. God, my chest is about to explode. Joy, love, and lust are blasting from me like fireworks on the Fourth of July. The sensation of all these emotions renders my mind helpless, leaving my body to run on instinct and adrenaline. My mouth is consuming every inch of Andres it can reach, kissing his wet skin, as he reaches one of his arms out and opens the door.

We plow through the door, and the doorknob crashes into the drywall behind it. I wave my arm, attempting to indicate where my room is, and Andres seems to understand because he walks us down the hall toward it as my mouth ravishes his with immense intensity. After kicking my door closed behind us, Andres walks us to my bed and lays me down. I pull my lips away from his, so I can peel off my wet clothes in record speed, and Andres does the same.

I need to feel his body against mine.

He scans my naked body with his hooded eyes. “Fuck, Olivia, you are so amazing.”

His lips find my neck, and I drag my fingers through his hair. His lips start working their way down my body, and I pull him up.

“No, Andres. I need you inside me now. I need to feel you. Right. Now.”

He shifts back up, so his face is above mine. I spread my legs in anticipation. He is gazing at me with a mixture of fierceness and awe. He bites his lip as he plunges deep into me, burying himself as far as he can go.

“Ah!” I throw my head back into the pillow.

I grab Andres’s strong biceps as he begins a frenzied rhythm in and out of me. I thought I remembered how incredible he felt, but my memories pale in comparison to this feeling right now. It’s unreal. He feels so freaking fantastic that I can hardly stand it. It’s so good that it is almost painful. It’s a sweet, delicious pain that I want to feel over and over. It is so astonishing.

Andres interlocks our fingers, holding my hands above my head, as he watches me intently. Tears are falling from the corners of my eyes onto my pillow as our stares lock. In his eyes, I see passion, desperation, desire, and love…so much love.

“Tell me that you will never leave me again,” Andres says through clenched teeth.

“I will never leave you again. I am so sorry, baby. I am so sorry.”

“Promise me, Olivia.”

“I promise, babe. I promise.”

He bends his head down and kisses me, pulling my lips between his. “I can’t live without you, Liv. You are mine. You. Are. Mine,” he says with labored breaths.

“I am yours, Andres. I love you so much. Thank you for coming back to me.” I moan, my chest shaking with a sob, as hot tears burn down my cheeks.

“Oh, baby,” Andres groans before he crashes his mouth against mine.

He kisses me with so much passion as his tongue devours my mouth. I can feel all his desire, his hope, his determination, and his love for me. Pains of regret course through my mind. I can’t believe I almost lost this all. I almost lost the best thing that has ever happened to me—all because I was afraid to lose it. I quickly turn off these thoughts and concentrate on his love, on him coming back to me, on our future of happiness.

Every one of my senses is on overload as I take everything in. The smell of his skin is a pure assault to my mind. I concentrate on the unforgettable smell of Andres—his sweet, savory manly smell, now with hint of saltiness as our bodies move together. The feeling of his smooth, firm skin as I run my hands up and down his back causes me to shiver with elated agony. I’m touching him again. I always hoped, but I never really knew if I would actually be able to touch his flawless body again. The sounds of our bodies coming together, of his labored breaths, and of the quiet, sensual moans that resonate into my mouth as he moves above me is enough to put me over the edge. All of this is coupled with the unforgettable taste of his mouth. The calming, satisfying taste of Andres is nothing short of heaven.

But it is when I open my eyes and see his face—the face that changed my life forever when I first saw it a year ago in the crowded club, the perfect face that I have dreamed about and prayed for all these months, the face that could fill any hole in my soul and make me complete—is when I lose all semblance of control, and my body is swallowed by sensation. My toes curl as the warm flood of ecstasy overtakes my body, and I scream my release into his mouth. My body is still convulsing when he shudders atop me with one more thrust, and then we still, his lips never leaving mine.

We lie on our sides, facing each other, with our legs entwined. Our hands are gently caressing one another—backs, chest, hair, face. The beautiful skin-on-skin therapy fills our vacant hearts until they beat, teeming with love, and they become whole again. Our eyes communicate with unspoken affirmations of love that have been building for months.

We spend the rest of the day in bed, slowly making love, and I cherish every second of it. Through it all, Andres whispers adorations of love, desire, and need into my ear, convincing me with his words and actions of how much he needs me.

Night falls, but desire to eat or do anything other than lie right where I am doesn’t come. There are few words spoken between us as I lie with my head on his chest in the darkness, listening to his beating heart, until I fall asleep, my body humming with happiness.

I open my eyes, and I am looking directly into his striking dark blues, which appear almost gray in the morning light. “Hey,” I whisper with a smile.

“Good morning, beautiful.” He kisses my forehead. “I’ve missed you so much.”

“Me, too.” I run the back of my hand across his cheek. “I’m glad you came back to me.”

“Me, too,” he says with a grin. “I just wish I hadn’t waited so long.

“We are destined to be together, Andres. You are it for me. I could never love anyone who wasn’t you. Never.”

“Me neither, babe. You are it for me.”

I give him a soft kiss on the lips. “I wish we could have avoided all the jealousy, confusion, heartache, pain, and loneliness, but I think we needed to feel that torrent of emotions to be able to feel this right now…or at least, I did. I am in a better place now, a place where I can accept everything that comes with us and be happy with it.”

“I can tell. You are different.”