Forgive Me (19 page)

              I squeeze that hand that is still holding onto mine. “You both will learn so much about one another. And I know you’ll be a great father to him. I’ve always known that.”

              His eyes flicker down to my lips and I feel the air around us thicken. It happened so fast, I can’t explain it. I don’t understand what just happened. But then its demolished the second the passenger door opens. “Oh, there you are mom, I was loking for you.”

              I turn my head to face Justin. “Sorry buddy, was just talking to your dad a minute.”

              I look back at Zander the same time he slides his hands away from me. “I’ll see you tomorrow. I’ll pick you up, say ten?”

              “Ten is perfect,” I tell him.

I slide out of the truck and when I do, I wrap my arms around Justin. “Be good. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Bye mom, love you,” he tells me.

I give him a kiss on the temple and shake his head of hair before he climbs into the pickup. “Love you too.” The door shuts and I’m left standing here as Zander drives away with my son. His son. Our son. I’ve only dreamed of these moments. I almost want to pinch myself right now.

Sometimes all you need

Is twenty seconds of insane courage,

And I promise,

Something great will come of it.

-Unkown

This is not exactly what I wanted to be doing today.

Faith knocked on my door at six in the morning. “Hey, your mom is having problems with her heart. They started late last night, and the doctors are saying she may be going faster than they originally assumed. She actually just called me and asked if I’d bring you in to see her.”

How could I say no to that? As much as she grinds my gears, and I don’t understand her, and even though she basically made Justin feel three inches tall, she is my mom. She gave me life, and in return, I gave one to Justin. She is the reason behind a miracle, and she is my blood. For that, I will give one last try.

So here I am, at the hospital, waiting beside her bed for her to wake up.

I called Zander and explained, so he said he’ll hold off the whole tux thing until I’m done with my mom. Thankfully Faith stayed with me, to ease the frustration I feel already. She claims she wants to give my mom and I some time together… alone. But at least she is here now, and she’ll only be outside the door, in case things get ugly. Although, I really hope they don’t.

Its less than an hour later when my mom finally peeks her eyes open and reaches for her Styrofoam cup that holds the room temperature water. After she gets a few sips, she looks in our direction with a very weak smile. It was only last week I saw her and she already looks like she has aged ten years, maybe more. Her hair is starting to thin and her face has a pale-green tint to it. It really does break my heart.

Its almost as if I
want
to hate her, but I can’t. And I won’t. Not ever.

“You made it,” she whispers out to me.

I smile at her and nod. “Yeah, I made it.”

She looks at Faith. “Do you mind a moment?”

Faith stands and walks over, giving my mom a small hug. “I’ll be right outside the door.” Then she leaves us be.

My mom looks back at me the second the door closes and she wiggles her fingers weakly, indicating for me to come closer. I stand up and walk towards the bed, sitting on the edge and pulling my mom’s hand in to mine. “How are you feeling?”

Of course it’s the dumbest question I could possibly say in this case, but it’s the first thing that came out of my mouth. “Dying,” is her response. How dare I expect anything different?

“I see that,” I tell her and she actually cracks a smile at me.

“I’m sorry,” she says after a moment. I almost ask her to repeat herself, then again, I heard her clear as day.

I look down at our hands and tell her, “I’m sorry, too.” Even though I’m not sure how true that statement really is. I don’t think I’m sorry when it comes to my mom, about anything. I tried, really hard, and was never good enough. Never loved enough.

“Look at me,” she orders softly, and I do. “I have to tell you this before I go. I loved you, Lexi. I’ve always loved you. And you made me proud. I don’t- I don’t want you to think you did anything wrong. I did.”

I raise an eyebrow and start to chew on the dry skin on my lips. Is this really happening right now? My mom is apologizing and making me feel all lovey dovey inside? I’m pretty sure I haven’t received that kind of treatment from my mom in… well, since before I can remember. That’s how long its been. I don’t argue, or pull away, no, instead I just listen to my mom. Its good for her to get this all off her chest before she dies. I wouldn’t want to die with any unresolved matters.

“His name was Nicholas.”

“Whose name?” I ask her.

“The man I thought I loved.”

I’m not sure if it’s the medicine making her delusional, or if she is telling me something from way before I was born, or what, but I don’t see the point in this story. She was just apologizing and now she is talking about an old love.

I nod my head and let her continue after she takes another sip of water. “I was in school to be a nurse. I don’t know if you know that.” I do, so I nod my head. She didn’t finish schooling because she got pregnant with me, and didn’t think she could work while also tending to three kids. Another reason I was put onto her shit list. “There was a doctor at the hospital we did some clinicals at. Doctor Perish. Nicholas Perish.”

“Okay,” I say when she closes her eyes.

With a hint of a smile she continues. “He was a beautiful man. Thick brown hair, eyes the color of mocha, tanned skin, tall and broad. I felt like my body was given a massage every time he talked.”
This got awkward fast
. “One night your dad couldn’t come pick me up, he had to work late, so I started walking home. Nicholas saw me walking and offered me a ride.” She opens her eyes to look at me, sorrow set deep inside them. “It was the first night of a three month long affair.”

“What?” I belt out.

She swallows and looks me straight in the eyes. “I’m sorry Lexi, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. When I told Nicholas I was pregnant, and it was his, he ended everything. He told me I was a gold digging tramp and was worthless in his eyes. He couldn’t even look at me without being completely disgusted. And he never once tried to get ahold of me again.”

“Mom, wait… what are you saying? Dad isn’t… he isn’t my dad?”

She shakes her head, a tear falling from her eye. My own eyes immediately start to moisten and I’m glued to her bed, staring at the woman who lied to me my entire life. And everything makes sense now, why she always blamed me for more medications and her depression, why my father always was distant from the entire family- he was trying to get away from me. Probably mom too.

“I know I treated you unfairly. I loved you, but for some reason, every time I looked at you I got angry. Not with you, but with myself. I was foolish and filled with regret. I’m sorry my Lexi lady, I really am.”

“Dad knows, right?” I ask with a deep swallow, trying to keep my emotions under control.

She nods her head. “He had no choice but to know. I was two months pregnant and it had been three months since we… well, you know.”

I almost creak a smile at her bashfulness. Almost.

“So when you got pregnant, Lex, I took it personally. I wanted to save you from the embarrassment and heartache I felt. I wanted to save you from the shame. I knew it’d be hard for you staying with your grandmother, but I assumed it’d be a lot harder if you stayed here. I didn’t expect Zander to stay around for you. You were so young.” Her hand comes up and pulls on a strand of my hair. “So young,” she repeats softly. “I took it personally, and that was a much bigger mistake of mine.”

“I wish you’d have gotten to know him,” I tell her.

“Know Justin?” I nod my head as some tears start to fall down my cheeks. It surprises me when she starts to cry a little harder as well, but instead of wiping away her tears, she wipes away mine. “I wish I had gotten to know him too.”

I’ve updated my mom, mostly in emails, about Justin. I’ve told her about his awards, his academics, his sports, and all that stuff. I used to tell her all about when he walked, talked, used the potty the first time, everything. But she still never got to actually know him, and its too late now. But she knows it was her own wrong doing, and I’m not going to scold her on it now. And I’ll make sure to tell Justin all about this situation here, so that maybe one day, he can forgive my mom too. As I just did.

“You’d be so proud of him,” I tell her. “He really is a great kid.”

“No doubt. Look at you. I’ve never known someone stronger or wiser.”

“Wiser? Mom, please. I’ve made so many mistakes.”

She nods softly and looks towards the window in the room. “None that I haven’t been the cause of.”

I want to tell her that isn’t true, but it sort of us. Well, aside from the Tanner thing. Instead, I do something I didn’t think I’d ever do, I lay down beside my mom and curl my body into hers. Her arm comes up and wraps around my shoulder, and we lay together for a while, holding each other for the first time in my memory.

“Your mom okay?” Zander asks while Justin is in the fitting room.

I peek over at him and give a very earnest smile. “I think she got her closure today. I wouldn’t give her a week to live.” The amount of emotion inside me is intense. I didn’t know I’d feel like this when it came to my mom, but I also didn’t expect anything she told me this morning at the hospital either.

“I’m so sorry to hear that,” Zander replies softly.

I nod my head and look towards the dressing room when I hear the creak of the door. Justin comes out in a black and white tux, looking as stunning as ever. He’s dressed up a few times before, even has worn a tie on several occasions, but I’ve never put him in a tux. My goodness is he the most handsome nine year old ever.

Zander does a whistle, indicating he is looking sharp, and we both walk towards him.

“I think you need to get the pants hemmed a little, but besides that, everything looks great,” I tell him. “You look way too handsome for your own good. Maybe you shouldn’t be in this wedding after all.”

Justin grins widely at me. “No stopping me now, Ma, I’m gonna get me some smokin’ hot babes.”

My brows shoot up and he chuckles. “No, I don’t think so. You’re too young for that kind of thinking. I’m the only lady you need in your life.”

Zander laughs and shakes his head. “He ain’t gonna be no momma’s boy.”

“Or a teenager parent,” I add in with a sharp look towards Zander.

He of course just laughs at it like its no big deal, but he isn’t the one who had to be a parent as a teenager.

Instead of saying any more, I tell Justin, “Go tell Mr. Thurston you need your pants hemmed. Then get dressed in your regular clothes again.”

Justin nods and walks towards Mr. Thurston, who is the owner of the tuxedo shop we’re in. He was a family friend to my parent’s, and although I didn’t know him well, when I walked in he immediately recognized me. He couldn’t figure out for the life of himself how I had a nine year old son, but eventually he just shook it off and helped us out.

“Think I would have been a good father as a teenager?”

I look at Zander again and feel my heart rate speed up. I know, without a doubt, he would have been an amazing father. “Not good… great.”

He nods his head softly, while tucking his hands into the back of his well fight jeans. “I like to think so.”

“You saved me, Zander.” I step closer to him and my voice softens a lot. “You were the reason for me waking in the morning. You were the reason I was okay with who I was and where I lived. You turned my life around. I couldn’t imagine any child of mine having a better father.”

His eyes become magnetized to mine and I feel like myself melting in place. Something powerful just happened here, and I don’t know what it was. I can’t explain it. I don’t want to explain it. I just want to feel it. The world around us fades out completely, and its just us. The two of us, in this world.