Forgive Me Father For I Have Loved (14 page)

Such a perfect day, but still he couldn’t erase the deep bruise on his heart, from a nightmare he’d had the evening before. Josh was screaming for help, and Dane had woken up in a cold sweat, his striped pajama top stuck to his chest and his hair plastered to his face as if he’d been dumped in a vat of water. He’d let Fr. Kirkpatrick know that he may need to seek a grief counselor. Despite his ability to demonstrate empathy to others, Dane rarely extended himself the same courtesy. He wrestled with his inability to fully cope with Josh’s death, seeing it as a sign of weakness. He’d even said it in his prayers…

‘Lord, you owe me no explanations as to why he is gone, and I humbly apologize for questioning you.’

But he still hurt and although it got a little better, some anger remained.

He walked backwards, wrapping his arms around himself as he tried to muster a smile, and move out of the sudden returning funk, but it was too late. She was now swinging at a slow crawl, her eyes keenly upon him and her lips slightly parted.

She got up and took him by surprise when she ran her hand down his shoulder and arm. Her look of concern stirred him from head to toe, and her touch made his nerve endings sing. They stood so close. He could make out all the details of her face—a blemish here, a beauty spot there...

She makes me feel free. Why’d she have to be so pretty? I wish....

Then, he stopped himself.

“I’m not going to ask you what’s wrong. Just let me tell you what I know, and then you can decide if you want to talk to me about it. Do we have a deal?” She cocked her head to the side and kept her hand on his arm—a touch meant for comfort.

He swallowed hard and nodded in agreement.

“For the past couple of days, just like when I first saw you, you looked sad, Dane. That is actually what caught my attention about you. I saw this nice lookin’ guy… no offense…”

He couldn’t help but smile.

“I’m a priest, not a robot. I can take a compliment,” he joked, causing her to laugh.

“I know, I know.” She rolled her eyes. “But, as I was saying—I noticed you, but you had this sadness about you and, I’ll just let you know,” she lowered her voice as if she were going to divulge a juicy bit of gossip, “I saw you drinking...”

Dane sighed and turned away from her when embarrassment took over, making him feel like a damn fool.

“Yeah, uh...about that. I don’t do that anymore,” he assured. “It has been an unfortunate vice of mine, and I’ve stopped. I’m actually back to going to AA meetings again. Yeah,”

At her stunned expression, he added, “I’ve used alcohol to help get through some rough times. I guess I am one of those you’d call a functional drinker...doesn’t make it any better, just means I am one shot glass away from full-fledged. I don’t kid myself.”

She nodded in understanding.

“I’m one of those people that’s not in denial about it. I understood what was going on. I fell off, but I have no need for it anymore...and no need for any more excuses about it, either.” He sighed.

“Look, I’m not here to judge you, Dane,” she finally uttered, her expression relaxing. “I don’t know what was going on with all of that, the drinking – you don’t have to explain it, but thanks for telling me.”

He nodded.

“I know you’re used to being the counselor and giving support to others, but you know, it helps to talk sometimes so that is why I keep asking you about your friend, how you are grieving. I know you probably thought, ‘Why does she keep bringing this up?’ but that’s why. I wished someone would have asked me to talk about it when I’d lost someone, you know? I felt like I was getting on people’s nerves, but it helps...it really does.”

“Thanks Rhapsody, you did make me talk about it more than I ever would without your inquiries. I’ve had family members pass before, but I took Josh’s death much worse and I am starting to understand why.”

“Well good. Maybe if you think back to some of your golden years with him it would help. Maybe focus on the good times, instead of the last few months you had with him. The guy standing by his locker, being late for class while he loitered around the hallways—some of him has to still be in there, somewhere.” She pointed to his chest. “What’s going on, Dane?” She stepped a little closer to him, so he felt the warmth of her breath heat his neck and jaw. “Are you upset that this grieving process is taking longer than you expected? You actually seem angry with yourself that you are still sad about it.” Her brows furrowed.

“It’s more than that. What has happened is that his death has caused me to think about other things in my life even more so than I was previously, stuff I’d been grappling with for a year or so now, but yeah, I’m having some problems.” He admitted. “I go back and forth with it; one day, I give it up and I am in a good mood and then the next, well... I mean, really,” he said in exasperation, “how long is this supposed to go on? I don’t know what’s going on with me, but it is awakening all sorts of difficulties I had in the past—doors I thought were closed.” They began to walk slowly, side by side, with her arm wrapped around his. He looked down briefly at her hand on him.

We look like a couple.

“Everyone has trouble every now and again. Some of it is self-imposed, I suppose. I guess its ego.” He shook his head in frustration.” But, his death and just...life in general. I feel really confused right now, Rhapsody. I am going through some things. It’s not just his death anymore, it’s...it’s what it means. It’s making me think about things in an entirely brand new way, not sure if that is good or bad yet.” He gave a choppy chuckle. “I have a lot of questions, and only a few answers. I don’t like that,” he said with a more serious tone.

“Why do you think you have to understand everything? Why can’t some things just
be
?”

He stopped walking and looked at her. The simple words made him pause and reflect.

“That’s a good question...and I honestly don’t know.”

They started to walk again.

“I mean, you’re a priest now. You live on faith, right?”

“
By
faith,” he corrected.

“Yeah, well, you accept things you can’t see, believe in things many people don’t, and you talk to someone who doesn’t verbally respond. You believe in stories about virgin women giving birth.” She laughed lightly. “Surely, you can trust that this part of life—death—sometimes doesn’t have the resolution that we want? It’s death...the death of a life on Earth, not the death of love. Your love for him will remain the same, maybe even grow. You still have a relationship with him, regardless of him not being here, Dane, just like you have a relationship with Christ, the son of God that you can’t see or hear. And, sometimes, in death, though we hurt, there is a lesson for us, a lesson about love and friendship. I have never believed that God takes something away from us without giving us something back in return,” she shrugged, “but that’s just me.”

He could feel her words moving throughout his heart, awakening a new understanding.

She has faith. She wouldn’t know these things if she didn’t. She’s a believer, too.

“You’re not allowing yourself to just
be
. To simply exist and feel, and now the feelings have caught up with you. You have to allow yourself to feel the pain before you can heal, Dane.” She stopped walking and gently put her hand on the side of his face.

So soft...so right...she’s so right...

“Thank you, Rhapsody...”

“You’re welcome.” She patted his arm and released it. They continued to stroll in silence for a few moments. The faint sound of water splashing increased in volume. They both looked to their left, at the lake. Three small row boats bobbed about with people inside them wearing orange life preserver jackets.

“They’ve got the boats out already?” He stopped walking and faced the lake head on, smiling. “I guess it is about that time.”

“Yup, looks like fun.” She shot him a look.

He smiled at her. “What’s that about? You want to get on one?” He pointed to the people on the boats. “I dunno,” he grinned and shook his head, “you may try to do some of that yoga on it and make us fall overboard.” He laughed louder when she stuck her tongue out at him.

“Okay. Let’s do it, let’s go.” Grabbing her wrist, he took off, pulling her to a small white shingle covered booth. A red-faced teenager took a five dollar bill from Dane, and before long, they were on a small red canoe with flaky paint. Dane rowed while Rhapsody leaned back and looked up at the sky as if she were some actress being filmed for a 1950s blockbuster.

“You’re going to let me do all the work, aren’t ya? There is a heck of a current here!”

“A big strong man like you?” she teased.” I figured you had this all taken care of.” She cast a lazy gaze his way, her dark eyes hooded. “You’re funny, you know that?” A lopsided smile budded across her face.

“Am I?” he laughed. “I like to think I can make people laugh from time to time.”

“Tell me a joke. I could use it.”

He studied her for a moment, “Okay, sure. Two peanuts were walking down the street in a bad neighborhood. One was a salted.”

He was met with silence, could almost hear crickets chirping, and then she burst out laughing.

“That was corny but funny!” she managed in between chuckles.

“Okay, I got another one. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?”

“Um, I don’t know...”

“El-if-i-no.”

“What!” She laughed harder. “Did you just cuss in a roundabout way, Fr. Dane?” She looked so beautiful when she laughed; it stirred him in unexpected ways.

He felt his groin stiffen, causing him a slight bit of anxiety. He’d been working out at the gym extra hard the past few weeks. It was great for the body, and helped during times like this. But he was stuck. There was no elliptical or weights to lift to ease the strain. He cleared his throat, and decided to focus on something,
anything
but her...just for a few seconds. Out the corner of his eye, he could see her undoing the wrap on her head.

Oh God...no...

He swallowed again, pretending not to see. A light wind blew her wild, jet black locks around. No way he could get away from that sight, so he just stared at her hair falling like inky sunrays, each coil gleaming and healthy.

So much hair...and soft. It’s not straight anymore, how it was in high school...

...And he wanted to touch it.

Shoving her headscarf in her bag, she leaned back, her back arched and breasts pointing to the sun. Laughter escaped her—deep, throaty, seductive and free. Through the thinness of the fabric of her taupe leotard top, he made out the details of her torso as she moved. Her lean stomach disappeared into a pair of dark gray yoga pants. He studied her thighs, flexing as she extended her right leg and stretched her black MaryJane slipper covered feet.

She’s so alive. I wonder what that feels like?

In that instant, he desired to live vicariously through her, even if just for a few moments.

After a while, she sat up and looked at him, a broad smile on her face while the wind picked up a bit, moving her wild hair to and fro.

“You know what?”

“What?” He turned away from her again, trying to ignore his growing attraction for her.

“This is the most peaceful I’ve been in a long ass time, I mean...” She shook her head, clasping her hands to her face in embarrassment. “First,” she counted off her fingers, still laughing, “I befriend a priest I used to go to high school with, and tell him he is hot, and then I keep cursing in front of him. Just like my mother told me, sometimes it’s like I don’t have any home trainin’, I’m sorry.” Her laughter tapered, but the smile was still on her face.

She’d said the words, but she wasn’t sincere. She wasn’t sorry one bit; she just felt it was the right thing to say, regardless of her true feelings. The woman simply wasn’t politically or religiously correct, but she tried.

“I told you it’s fine...I mean that. Just be yourself.” That was all he really wanted anyway—Rhapsody in her natural form, because she seemed to be at her best that way.

She nodded. “Well, I’ve made you tell me in full detail what’s been going on with you, and you said you came to the park for some peace, to think. I want to say, you’re not the only one.”

His eyebrow shot up inquisitively.

“I’ve been dealing with a lot of mess and I started coming to the park again, to clear my mind. I came during the winter, happy no one was here. I had gone through a breakup. Breakups are horrible in the winter, Dane.” She shook her head and looked away into the water.

“I’d imagine they are, especially a
Detroit winter.” He smiled.

She says it like I’ve never had a love life...like I came out of the womb as a priest. Well, I can’t blame her; she doesn’t really know that part of me...yet.

“Yup.” She sighed, clasping her hands together and sitting straighter as waves made their boat bob a bit more aggressively. “The breakup was a mess, but it was long overdue. And, there is constant tension between my sister and I...” She glanced at him, a bit hesitant, as if gauging his reaction. “Can I use you as a sounding board? I would like your input on this—someone impartial.”