Free Agent (2 page)

“I’ve been friggin’ texting you.”
I blurted out afraid he wouldn’t let me get my explanation out.

“What’s so fucking important?”
He barked.

“Tess is here.”

“What?”

“Your wife is in the office.”

“Tess.” Hello, yes Tess, your friggin’ wife. You know the one at home that drives the minivan. Did Kari’s snatch make him forget who the hell Tess is? I guess he caught that disease, cheaters amnesia.

“I had to run around the friggin’ building to warn you. I told her you were in the warehouse. She knows you’re here. Your car is out front. I turned the radio up in the office so she couldn’t hear you guys voices through the vents.”

“Fuck! Why is she here?”

“I don’t friggin’ no. She was talking about dinner or something.” How the fuck should I know. Don’t kill the friggin’ messenger. Uncle had pushed the pause button on his brain. “Hurry up. Get dressed and get out here before she calls your cell and she hears it ringing in the next room.”

“My phone is on silent.”
He calmly stated. He was back to his self now, calculating his next move.

“I told her you were in the warehouse. You should be five minutes behind me.”

“Fuck okay. Go back around. I will be there in five.”

I
jogged down the four steps. I heard Uncle close and lock the door behind me. I started walking around to the front of the building. There was no need to rush at least I didn’t think so. Being in the same room with Tess wasn’t as easy as one would think. She was one of those women I couldn’t charm. I’m never getting married. I like girls too much. I’m forever single and ready to mingle. Commitment is for fools and old people.

When I finally strolled back into the front office Tess was seated in a chair by the window. She seemed to be in the dark and I hoped she would stay there. Uncle was happy with his African American dime piece. I had to admit I was pretty damn happy with her too.

Kari mellowed him out. She made him act less like a prick. Sure he still busted everybody’s balls but it was in a joking way, not in his legendary I’ll fire your ass way. If Tess finds out he’s cheating with a black woman, then he’s back to being a total ass. Plus if Tess finds out, I will have to do some real work around here. I don’t know how smart Tess is so I can’t predict the outcome. I got fingers crossed on this one.

“Hey Tess, he’s on his way. He had to finish up a few things.”

“Okay RJ. Thanks for going to get him.”

“Sure.” I took my seat behind the front desk. I noticed that some of the papers were different from how I left them. My People magazine had been moved and my Eastbay catalog wasn’t where I left it.

Uncle’s wife was snooping around on this desk. Why? I didn’t let on that things were in a mild form of disarray. I may not be the smartest guy but I’m good with detail. That’s why Uncle lets me work here. My eyesight is on point and my eye for detail is impeccable. 

There was a weird uncomfortable silence between me and Tess. I think she still saw me as a kid and not worthy of her time or conversation. Knowing that she was snooping made it hard for me to engage her. I don’t know what she was thinking and I pride myself on being very intuitive when it comes to women of all ages. But Tess was mad different. Not in a good way, in a strange way.

My horny Uncle finally showed up or more so scampered in. I’m still tripping on dude opening the door in his birthday suit. When he stepped on the scene Tess’ eyes were all over him. Not in a loving way. I think she suspected something. She was scrutinizing him with her fine tooth comb. She was on to him. I recognize that look. I’ve seen it plenty of times from my ex-girlfriends.

If Uncle Mason could pull this off he would be my hero. He looked like he had his feathers ruffled. He looked like he had just jumped out some fresh pussycat. I wondered if Tess could see it?

“Hey hon.” Uncle kissed his wife on the cheek as he leaned in and gripped her forearms. “What’s wrong?” He casually asked while pulling away. “I’m working. Why are you here? Why aren’t you with the kids? Is everything okay with the kids because you know it’s really busy around here?”

Shit Unc, that was a mouthful.

Tess’ eyes darted over to me then back to her husband. “The kids are fine. I was in the neighborhood and I thought that we could have a late lunch.”

Uncle Mason took a few steps back. He put a crap load of distance between him and his wife. I pretended to be working by staring at the computer screen that had already turned black. I had my ears wide open and my big mouth shut. This is exciting to watch.

“I’m not hungry. You should have called first.”

“I did. I called three times.”

Uncle’s eye’s arched and it wrinkled his forehead. He was thinking of a lie, or maybe just an excuse for dodging her calls.

“I didn’t have my cell phone on me. I was in the warehouse, WORKING.” He growled. Shit balls!!! That was rude.

“Oh I just, ah, ah thought--” Tess stumbled over her words as Uncle’s disposition turned sour just that fast.

“Don’t think.” Damn! “If I didn’t return your calls don’t interrupt me at work. If my kids are hurt or in danger that’s when you need to call me, not to eat food with you. We do that every night at dinner. Once a day is enough. Do I make myself clear?”

“Yes, right, I’m sorry.” Her voice trembled. “What time will you be home for dinner?” Tess was close to tears.

“When I walk through the front door, I will call you and let you know.”

Shit balls!!! I pretended to keep my face glued to the computer screen. Tess stood static for a minute or two. I thought she might faint. Uncle just glared at her like a tyrant. Tess bolted out the front door before I could get my eyes to follow her out.

The door seemed to take forever to close behind her. I treat girls on the regular but he talks to his wife like that. My pops would never talk to my moms like that. But my moms might stab him with a butcher knife. My pops knew better.

“Uncle, Uncle, Uncle, Damn you cold. You didn’t have to do her like that.”

“Shut the fuck up.” Uncle Mason ran his hands through his hair and then over his face.

“Why were you so mean to her? She don’t know you’re in here banging your caramel Frappuccino. You must be putting it down at home if Tess is here checking up on you.”

“I’m not putting shit to Tess.”

“Damn, you cold blooded.” I grinned. I was trying to school this old dude on the ways of a true pimp. He wasn’t having it. Uncle was pissed. “Uncle you got to keep all the ladies happy.”

“I couldn’t keep Tess happy with a lifetime supply of X.”

“It’s like that?”

“It’s like that. Tess, she’s like an extra cock. She gets in my way.”

“Well you only need one cock.”

“I’m not being mean to her. There are things you don’t know and it’s getting more and more difficult for me to look at her.”

“Divorce her.” I threw out a suggestion without thinking and regretted it right away.

Uncle chuckled. “You’re so young. I have real responsibilities. I have three kids with that woman. Things aren’t as simple as they seem. If you had kids you would understand but you don’t. You can’t understand.”

“I don’t have any kids and I don’t want any.”

“Good for you. But when you do, your love for your kids will make you deal with bullshit that you never thought you would deal with. It will make you lay next to a person you don’t love or even like. You would die for your kids. You would stick around just so your kids could feel normal, loved and cared for and not abandoned by you.” 

That was deep. Uncle never shared anything like that with me before. We hung out but I always did all the talking. Uncle was really private, closed off and bossy. The fact that I was aware of him and Kari was a milestone in our relationship.

“RJ, thanks for the heads up.”

“Of course. Uncle, I got your back.
La famiglia è la prima
.” My Italian was pretty good thanks to my high school Italian language teacher Mrs. Mancuso.

“Yes, family is first.” Uncle forced a smile and shuffled pass me with his head down. He disappeared through the short hall that led to the backroom. I heard him knock on the backroom door.

“Kari, open up. It’s me.” I heard Uncle yell from the hall. Kari unlocked the door and I heard it open and close.

I was so glad I didn’t have to deal with any of this adult bullshit. I was cool with hanging with my crew and banging a few hotties.

I had a threesome to look forward to after work tonight. I just hope my moms stays out of my business. She’s always busting my balls. She’s always showing up at my door with outlandish requests. RJ, pick up my dry cleaning. RJ go pick your cousin up from the airport. RJ go walk the neighbor’s dog.

Just because I live in the apartment above the garage doesn’t mean she should knock on my door and ask me to go buy her ice-cream, go pick my bratty sister up from the movies, go the city hall and pay the friggin’ water bill. The list goes on and on. I should move off her property.

This sudden brush with almost being caught didn’t make Kari run from the hills. It was at least an hour before she emerged from the backroom. She was well put together. Sure I knew my uncle had her bent over and put six or seven rounds in her but there was no way anyone else could tell. Uncle walked Kari to the door and he gave me a show. He tongued her down right in front of me, just slobbed her up. Show off! Yeah I’m jealous. Uncle Mason has the biggest balls I ever seen. I could learn a thing or two from him.

CHAPTER 2

Work couldn’t end fast enough for me. I was going to give Selena and Teresa my big fat Italian sausage. I went straight to the carwash after work. I washed my Ford Mustang about three to four times a week. I use to hand wash it myself but my moms was always complaining about the water bill. So now I take it to the professionals. Sometimes I run into some thirsty cougars at the carwash so it’s all good.

Soon as I pulled into the driveway my phone vibrated. It was my friend Ronnie. He had texted me a few times after I left the job but I wasn’t trying to hang out with any dick tonight but my own.

I hadn’t been in my crash pad for forty full minutes when someone was knocking on my friggin’ door. Geez, can I scratch my balls first? I had a feeling that behind door number one was my pesky friend Ronnie. When I opened the door it was just as I suspected, runny nose Ronnie aka R.N.R. That was his nickname from second grade.

“Hey, hey RJ how’s it hanging?” Ronnie pushed his way through the door and made a beeline straight to my small kitchen and into my empty fridge.

I started hiding all my liquor from my free loading pals a few months ago. I don’t know why these cheap ass guido bastards think I’m a friggin’ bar and grill.

I had known Ronnie practically my whole life well since kindergarten. He was a scrawny kid with asthma and he grew up to be a scrawny man with asthma. Ronnie was the kid that didn’t fit in with the crew. Sure he was Italian but he was pale as a ghost. He was the only one in my crew that wasn’t muscular. He got girls but not with his body.

“What you getting into tonight?”

“Hashtag, Mexican pussy, at hashtag my apartment, hashtag you’re not invited, hashtag deuces.”

“You not coming out tonight?”

“No, I’m coming in some pussy tonight. You, Tommy and the rest of you dicks can drink and play Xbox all night and then masturbate until you go friggin’ blind. Hoes before bros, all day every day.”

“Fuck you.”

“No Ronnie someone should fuck you. Get a friggin’ life.”

“Hey what’s up with your sister?” Ronnie asked as he stuffed an Oreo cookie in his mouth. Now I got to hide the friggin’ cookies.

“What the fuck?”

“Dude everybody is saying she looks just like Sascha Grey.”

“I swear to fucking Christ if anybody says that shit to my face. Tell all those horny bastards to keep their perverted brains off my sister. Tell them to keep her name out their fucking mouths. I will kill any motherfucker that thinks about my little sister and my Uncle Mason will bury their bodies in cement at one of his construction sites.”

“Calm down.”

“You calm the fuck down. I’m tired of you douchebags saying my sister looks like a porno star. You tell Tommy, Paul and the rest of those clowns I will fuck their mother’s and post it on YouTube.”

“Damn it RJ, why you gotta always threaten to fuck somebodies moms?”

“Your moms is first. You know that I know that you know she wants me.”

“Shit you’re so gross. I don’t want to think about you fucking my moms.”

“Well shut the fuck up. Just let me know if I should bend her over and give her my tasty Italian beef.”

“Fuck you.”

“Yeah shut the fuck up.”

There wasn’t much to talk about but the same ole bullshit so I kicked Ronnie out on his scrawny little ass. I had a few hours before Selena and Teresa showed up. Selena was always late so I knew that eight really meant nine or ten.

She showed up around nine-thirty with her big boob friend. Selena was beautiful. You had to wash the ten tons of make-up off to see it but she was a natural beauty. Her drawback was she wasn’t the brightest. She was the type of girl who gave up everything for a guy, sex, love and her money. She was needy for attention for reasons unknown to me.