French Kids Eat Everything (32 page)

This is the balance we've struck now that we're back in Vancouver. But it is a balance that is admittedly difficult to maintain. In France, schools and governments actively help to create the conditions in which parents can teach their children to eat well. This includes helping children develop good eating habits through positive reinforcement (like the lessons provided during Tasting Week), as well as selective regulations on the production, marketing, and sale of food. The French have created a modern and efficient food system, aligned with an education system, that helps families make good food choices. This isn't the case where we now live.

So it's hard for families to change. However, I'm determined to try. I have started a quiet campaign to have “real” food hot lunches served at Sophie's school, although I have no idea whether or when I'll be successful. But I'm hopeful, because what I saw in France made me realize that
how
our children eat is largely influenced by what and how we
believe
they can eat. And so changing our own attitudes and beliefs can go a long way to helping our families eat better.

What do we believe about kids' food? Many North American parents believe that kids don't like vegetables. We assume that kids don't like spicy foods, flavorful foods, colorful foods, textured foods, strange-looking foods, or new foods. Basically, we believe that kids don't like real food. And we also take it for granted that what kids do like is restricted to an extremely short list, topped by things like pasta, chips, and crackers.

But what if we were to believe the opposite? French parents believe that their children will grow up to eat like they do: to enjoy tasting new foods, to choose a balanced diet, to eat their vegetables uncomplainingly, and to enjoy food—all food—in moderation. French parents and teachers encourage children every step of the way, believing that their children will turn out to be healthy eaters. The French government and schools support parents and teachers with an appropriate curriculum and regulations, in addition to the lessons kids learn from eating healthy school lunches. But the French also know that a true food education starts in the home. And it begins with the belief in your children's innate capacity to eat well and your capacity to teach them to do so.

Alors, bonne chance et bon appétit!

This section summarizes the French Food Rules together with practical tips to help you foster healthy eating habits in your children, just as the French do: through a combination of rituals and rules, culinary flair and common sense.

Why are food rules useful? First, they simplify life. They create boundaries so that you reduce impulsivity and don't have to rely so much on willpower or imposing parental authority. Second, they create structure because respecting the rules often requires creating routines. This provides children with a sense of security, and if they feel more secure, they are more likely to eat well. Third, these rules provide guidance on regulating your eating habits and on healthy food choices—which is so important, given the fact that North Americans are confronted with an overabundance of relatively cheap, hypermarketed, often unhealthy food. And, last but not least, rules minimize negotiating and arguing with your children (and, if you're like me, with your spouse).

When we were in France, we tried to apply the food rules as French families do. But when we moved back to North America, this wasn't possible. Because our children eat a relatively small, hurried lunch at school, for example, we had to allow more snacking during the day. So we adapted our rules to combine the best of both cultures. French food culture—with its codified common sense and time-tested traditions—is a great basis for family food routines. Their combination of rules and routines with good taste (and their balance of self-restraint and pleasure) is something I want my children to grow up with. But I have shaped these rules to fit North American sensibilities, which prioritize flexibility and respect for individual differences.

So these food rules are not hard and fast. They're more like goals, or habits. And I'm certainly not suggesting that every family should follow the same rules, which might not always be appropriate or even possible. No two families (and indeed no two children) are alike. Rather, my hope is that reading about these rules, and our stories, will trigger insights and intuitions about what might work best for your family.

You can innovate with these rules as much as you like in order to adapt them to your needs. Here's an example from our family. When we returned to Vancouver, our daughters started craving fast food. Our older daughter did everything children do to get their way: pleaded, begged, moped, stamped her feet. So we put a House Rule in place: Our family only eats fast food on days that start with “F.” And in our case, fast food means the little sushi restaurant down the street (admittedly easy in our city, where every second restaurant is a mom-and-pop-style sushi place). This doesn't mean that other fast food, such as pizza, is totally forbidden, but rather that it is a once-in-a-while treat.

French Food Rule #1:

Parents:
You
are in charge of your children's food education
.

How should parents handle feeding their children? Research suggests that
authoritative
(rather than authoritarian) feeding has positive results. For example, kids who have authoritative parents are more likely to eat more vegetables and to have a healthier weight. In contrast, children whose parents are overly controlling tend to be
less
eager to taste new foods and
less
able to effectively regulate their own eating habits.

I had a hard time getting my head around this food rule at first and instead veered between being authoritarian and indulgent. Often my children totally controlled the feeding situation, and in order to deal with this I overreacted and became overly controlling myself. Then I felt guilty, started to indulge them, and the cycle started all over again. But after watching the French in action, I realized that there is another way: I could be authoritative, rather than indulgent or controlling. (“Think of it like being a tabby cat mom rather than a tiger mom,” my husband suggested, “and you'll have it just about right. You'll cuddle up and purr if all is going well, but won't hesitate to [gently] show your claws if someone is out of line.”)

So what is authoritative parenting? An authoritative parent is kind but firm. An authoritative parent sets clear limits for children's behaviors, within which they respond to children's needs. And an authoritative parent sets clear goals—and then helps children reach them. The goal of authoritative parenting is the development of healthy eating habits in your children: helping them learn to prefer healthy food choices, to eat appropriate portion sizes, to be responsive to their own hunger cues (and feelings of fullness) to determine how much they eat. The goal is to educate children to be self-confident eaters who eat a wide variety of foods, who are comfortable trying new things, and who know how to balance self-restraint with pleasure. In other words, the goal is not to control what they eat, but to teach them
how
to eat well. French parents do this with flair, and I've seen their children grow to develop a healthy love of food—all food.

Rule #1 Tips for Authoritative Family Food Lessons

• Healthy eating is about
how, when
, and
why
you eat, as much as it is about
what
you eat.

• Create House Rules about food, and stick to them. For example, kids always have permission to reach for a piece of fruit but have to ask permission for anything else.

• Give your children simple choices about vegetables (eggplant or spinach this evening?), but don't let them plan your menus or ask them to make all of the choices. Fear of new foods is heightened when children are confronted with choice. And young children don't usually know enough about nutrition to consistently create appropriately balanced meals.

• Be firm rather than hesitant when serving meals. Rather than “Are you going to come eat now?” try saying “It's time to eat now.” Rather than “Will you try this?” try a warm but firm statement like: “Here's the delicious dish that I prepared for us.”

• Kids do as we do, rather than as we say. Model positive eating behaviors. If parents eat well, chances are that children will too.

French Food Rule #2:

Avoid emotional eating
.

Food is
not
a pacifier, a distraction, a toy, a bribe, a reward, or a substitute for discipline
.

French kids, like their parents, rarely eat for what psychologists and nutritionists term “non-nutritive” reasons. In other words, they are not emotional eaters. This is in part because French adults aren't either. Although they love to provide tasty treats for their children, they don't tend to do so in response to children's emotional needs. They wouldn't offer a candy to an upset child, or a whiny child, or a bored child.

Here, as in many things, modern science has verified the wisdom of the French approach. Scientists have found (surprise!) that using specific food as a reward for good behavior increases children's preferences for those foods; and because unhealthy foods are often used as a reward, children are being taught to prefer them. Why not give an apple, rather than a candy, to reward a child? Even better, do as the French do—don't use rewards at all.

Many of the other rules listed here (like scheduling meals, eating a variety of foods, and teaching children to be open to new foods) will also help avoid emotional eating. Think of other ways to soothe or reward your children, and they will, in turn, learn how to regulate their own emotions without the use of food.

Rule #2 Tips for Avoiding Emotional Eating

• Teach your children to seek out good foods (rather than avoiding “bad” foods). The difference is subtle but important.

• Teach your children that while food is a source of pleasure, eating should not be emotionally driven. For example, don't give a child candy as a reward or as solace for hurting themselves. If you feel you need to comfort your kids with food, offer an easily accepted fruit (like an apple) or vegetable.

• Encourage children to focus on food as a source of sensory pleasure. The French do this through describing food (which is a form of food education that involves all of the senses). Teach children to use words to describe food. Rather than saying “it's good” or “it's bad,” ask them to describe the sensations. “It's dry.” “It's spicy.” “It's soft (or hard).” Ask them, “How does it feel on your tongue?” “How does it feel when you swallow it?” (Note: Sensory education [how food tastes, feels, smells, looks, and sounds] works best with young children. Save nutritional education for older children.)

• Try “logical consequences” rather than punishments. “First we eat our vegetables, then we eat dessert.” Note that framing dessert as a reward (“Eat your vegetables, or you won't get dessert”) may encourage children to devalue or even dislike vegetables. Instead, French parents establish a logical sequence for meals, which creates an easy routine of “first this, then that.”

• Most American parenting books focus on food
supply
, emphasizing nutrients and energy to support growth and development. French parents focus on
demand
. Their goal is to teach children how to enjoy healthy food, so that they ask for it themselves when they're older. If they associate food with rewards or punishments, they're less likely to do so.

French Food Rule #3:

Parents schedule meals and menus
.

Kids eat what adults eat: no substitutes and no short-order cooking
.

French kids are just like their parents: they love to celebrate food, but at the same time they are expected to follow a schedule and show self-restraint regarding what, when, and how much they eat (especially treats). This applies even to the littlest of kids. The majority of French children eat no more and no fewer than three meals per day, with the largest meal (up to 40 percent of daily caloric intake) being eaten at lunch. Most people eat at the same time of day, all over the country: 7:30 for breakfast; 12:30 for lunch; 7:30 for dinner. They don't skip meals because food is a priority—often
the
priority of the day. This is especially true for lunch, but it is also true for other meals: 90 percent of the French but only 50 percent of Americans eat breakfast seven days a week.