Frost on My Window (18 page)

Chapter 19

Resist Mars’s plans to run away. Looking? Follow your Mom’s love advice, courtesy of romance-friendly Venus. Found him? Lean on his strong shoulders around the twentieth, when Mercury rocks your world. Work. Save the windfall from Juno. You’ll feel more confident with a nest egg than without.

Too little too late. So much for horoscopes, I thought. I put the magazine back in the seat pocket and bent down to check on Simba. The cat was snoozing away in the dark green nylon bag. Sean had bought the deluxe bag with mesh windows just before my move to New York. Releasing a sigh, I leaned back against the headrest, not bothering to look out the window.

Unbidden, the image of my grandmother rose in my mind. Her words seemed to haunt me as the murmuring of my fellow passengers and the sound of the classical music faded away. I could hear grandmother’s tear-stained voice as she gazed up at her black and white wedding portrait.

“Only give your heart to a man who loves you more than you love him. You hear me, girls? Make sure he loves you more than the last piece of food on his plate, more than the last nickel in his pocket, and more than the shirt on his back. Only marry the man who loves you most, and he won’t leave you blue. That’s what I did,” she stated. My grandmother’s eyes had glistened with unshed tears as she stared at my grandfather’s smiling face.

It wasn’t the movement of the plane that pulled me from memories, but the feeling of hands at my hips. I opened my eyes and turned just in time to see Sean’s face as he inserted the buckle on my seatbelt.

“You…” I couldn’t get the words out.

“Yes?” he smiled.

“How…why?” I stuttered.

“I bought the last ticket and bribed the woman who would have been sitting next to you,” he explained.

“Why, Sean?”

“Do I really need to tell you?”

“Yes. I need to hear your words.”

“Because I love you, darling, and I realized that letting you go back alone could jeopardize our relationship.”

I caught the glance of the older woman across the aisle and looked away. Unfolding the thin airline blanket, I leaned against the pillow I’d placed against the window. I turned away and closed my eyes, determined not to burst into tears. The last week of my life had been too good to be true. But Sean’s presence in the seat beside me changed all of that.

“It’s a long flight.”

My heart began to thump as he whispered in my ear. I squeezed my eyes a little tighter.

“And I’m afraid of flying,” he continued. I suppressed the urge to smile at the child-like tone of his voice.

“I need someone to hold my hand.”

As soon as he finished the sentence, the thin blanket moved as his hand slipped underneath to rest on mine. His shoulder settled next to mine and I felt the scratchy feel of his five o’clock shadow on my neck.

“Much better,” he murmured.

“I’m seeing a new side of you, Sean,” I said, barely hearing my voice over the sound of the flight video.

“Oh, and what side didn’t you see last night, darling?”

I felt the blood rush to my cheeks, but ignored the way my body reacted to the memory of our lovemaking the night before.

“The pain-in-my-ass side,” I responded sweetly, needing to inject a little levity into the situation. “If you weren’t such a good friend I’d cheerfully slap you.”

“That’s because you care so much,” he paused. “And Leah?”

“What?” I bit out.

“We are so much more than friends.”

“I’m not an obsessed groupie, Sean,” I said. The words flew out of my mouth.

“I know you’re not, but I am,” he whispered in my ear before placing light kisses on my neck.

I turned towards him and tried to read his face, but couldn’t. It was like learning a new language and I didn’t know the words, couldn’t form the letters.

“Did I ever tell you that the week before my mother died Exile’s second album went platinum?”

I nodded my head, remembering that he had spoken briefly of the event that night on the cliffs.

“I listened to Mom throwing up after every meal, watched her lose the sparkle in her eyes, watched her lose her hair and lose so much weight that she was nothing but skin and bones. The person who was so much a part of my life was transformed into someone shriveled and wasted. As the press surrounded my parents’ home and hounded me, I sat by her bedside with my father, both of us powerless to stop the cancer from destroying her.” His voice came soft, almost as if he were talking to himself instead of me. That handsome face grew tight with grief.

A lump formed in my throat. Sean’s grief was so deep and so real I could drown in it.

“I’ve learned the hard way that life isn’t something you take for granted, Leah. Time is precious. If you find someone that makes you happy—completes you—you’ve got to grab on tight and never let go.”

I felt his fingers wrap around mine and I relaxed into the seat and gave Sean a gentle kiss on his lips. There was nothing I could say, so I let that gesture speak for me. He closed his eyes and with his fingers entwined with mine we both drifted into sleep as the plane pulled away from the earth and climbed towards the clouds.

Taking off didn’t turn out to be a problem, but landing and getting out of the airport turned into a nightmare. Simba’s sedative had worn off and the cat was less than pleased. Even though it was against regulations to let the cat out of the bag, the flight attendants couldn’t keep from falling over themselves to pet Simba while he lay in Sean’s lap.

“Should have upgraded to first class,” Sean complained.

“And you didn’t why?”

“All sold out, and everyone I might have bribed was on the plane.”

I just glared at him. Screaming on an airplane was a bad idea, but I wanted to so bad. The flight attendants wouldn’t leave us alone, and even the co-pilot came all the way to the back of the plane to get Sean’s autograph for his wife and daughter.

Sean just took it in stride and even tried to pull me into the madness, but I wasn’t having it. I wanted to get as far away as I could from people with awestruck eyes and from Sean with his charming, butter-couldn’t-melt-in-my-mouth speeches. And when the time came for us to head out of LaGuardia’s doors, I would have hopped into the nearest cab, but Sean, damn the man, wouldn’t give me my suitcase and cat.

“I’ll take you home.”

“I don’t want you to take me home,” I replied.

“You’re not taking a taxi,” he said.

“Well, I’ll take a car or hop on a bus.” I moved to grab my suitcase from his hand, but a series of camera flashes caught me off guard.

“Sean, look over here,” a voice yelled out as a photographer rapidly took our picture.

“Come on, darling,” Sean urged.

We made it through the airport’s glass doors and as a black Lincoln Town Car rolled up and stopped. Sean continued to walk towards the car, carrying both my bag and Simba. I just stood there on the sidewalk blinking my eyes to get rid of the floating dots from the camera.

“Come on, Leah,” he yelled out. I could see the heads turning in our direction from other people waiting for rides or taxis.

My face burned and I just wanted to stamp my feet and bawl. I didn’t want to ride with him. Hell, I didn’t even want to talk to Sean. From the minute I had awoken on the plane with his hand wrapped around mine, I had wanted to get as far away from Sean as possible. Arizona was a dream, a nice fantasy, and the long plane ride with all the fans plus the photographers in the airport had brought reality back to my doorstep.

I watched him as he stood with his hand on the door beckoning me towards him as Nick stowed my suitcase in the trunk and placed the pet carrier in the front seat. I gritted my teeth and walked towards Sean, just imagining the many different ways I could wipe that smirk off his face.

“Now don’t be mad, darling,” he said once the car was moving and I was buckled into the backseat.

Annoyed that he’d manipulated me so easily, I snapped, “Don’t talk to me.”

“But we need to talk,” he coaxed. “I want you and I want to be a significant part of your life.”

I swallowed. While my heart just wanted to start singing, my head intervened. “I don’t think so.”

“Why?”

“Because I can’t deal with everything around you.”

“It’s hard at first, but you get used to it after a while.”

I crossed my arms and glanced out of the window. Bad traffic conditions had brought the car to a standstill. “That may be the case for you, but I don’t think I can handle the media. I like being just one more sista walking down the street or sitting on the train. The thought of losing that anonymity scares the hell out of me.”

“I understand, but you can’t let your fears keep you from this.” He leaned over and kissed me. Not that nice kiss you see on TV as the woman turns to leave, but a hard kiss, the kind that says you don’t have an option, that this stuff is so good there’s no chance in hell you can walk, crawl or run away. He kissed me like he meant it and neither of us came up for air until the car inched forward.

I opened my eyes and looked into his smiling ones. “Don’t do that,” I ordered.

“Why not?”

I couldn’t come up with a good enough reason to save my life. “Because….”

“Yes?” The jerk was almost at the point of laughing out loud.

“Never mind. Look, Sean, I…”
I’m in love with you,
I wanted to say, but the words stuck in the back of my throat.

“I’m sorry, but this still doesn’t feel real to me.”

“So are you telling me you don’t feel this bond between us?” he asked. A look of hurt flashed across Sean’s face. It seemed to be my night for making street corner confessions.

“No.” I shook my head. That was the last thing I meant for him to think.

He continued, “That the days and nights we spent together in Arizona, not to mention this past year, mean nothing?”

“No, Scottish. That’s not what I’m saying at all. They matter more than I can ever say and you know that. I just need some space. Things have changed, we’ve changed. Before it was just you and me. Now it’s changed to
us
and I’m having a really, really hard time making that adjustment.”

“I’m trying to understand, Leah.”

“I know, and I’m not making this any easier.” I sighed and leaned on his shoulder.

“I know you don’t like the media spotlight.”

“True, but that’s only a small part of it. The big thing is me. I still think that this is just some fantasy and I’m going to wake up and you’ll be gone. I keep telling myself that so when the day comes that you call me on the phone and say that you’re in love with some gorgeous model, or famous actress, I won’t fall apart.”

“I wouldn’t do that to you. You know me. There’s nothing that I haven’t told you, no secrets and I’m not the type person to betray you like that.”

“My head knows that but my heart can’t seem to see the light. I see you as two different people.” I raised one hand. “There’s Sean that I met on a cliff over a year ago, the one that I know loves cartoons and Mexican burritos.” I raised the other hand. “Then there’s the Sean I read about, the one that’s a rock star.”

“You can’t get more real than this.” He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. “I’m bleeding here. I want to help you. Just tell me what to do.”

I wanted to tell him to just hold my hand as he was doing now, but I didn’t. I had to do this on my own. There was a part of me that wanted to run as far and as fast as I could from Sean, from the relationship, and that was the part I needed to deal with.

Placing my fingers to his cheek, I fought to hold back tears. “That’s the thing, Sean. You can’t help me with this. I just need to get myself together. If we’re going to do this ‘build a relationship’ thing, I want to be no less than 100 percent committed. I need time, okay?”

He shook his head and still held onto my wrist gently. “Not okay. I’m not a modern man and I won’t be a brief fling. I know you better than you think. You’re scared of this and if I let you, you’ll run. I’m sorry, but I can’t let you go.”

“I’m not asking you to let me go. I’m asking you for time. I need you to wait for me, Sean.”

He released a heavy sigh. “How long?”

“Two months.”

“I’ll give you one,” he replied.

“I’ll take it.”

“That’s a long time to not see you, hold you, talk to you.”

“I know. It’s not going to be easy for me, either.”

“Good.” He said that word with such vehemence I had to smile. “I’m holding you to this, Leah. Good or bad.”

I nodded. “Good or bad.”

Then he bent his head down and kissed me. It only took two seconds for that familiar warmth to slide up and down my spine as Sean’s fingers stroked the back of my neck. When he broke off the kiss, all I wanted to do was grab the man and just lock him up in a room somewhere. His kisses were that good and that addictive. Forget work, and who needed sleep? I just wanted him.

He pulled back after the car came to a stop. “Just so you know what you’re going to be missing.”

“Don’t worry. You’re an impossible man to forget.”

“Are you sure?”

“No,” I replied honestly. “But it’s something I have to do, and you might want to do the same as well.”

“What’s that?”

I playfully hit him on that shoulder “Think, man…think. I love this confidence you have, but I’d feel better if you thought about this as well. I don’t enter into things lightly, Sean, and right now you are very important to me.”

“You’ve been an important part of my life since I met you. One month isn’t going to change my feelings, and I can only hope they won’t change yours,” he said.

“My feelings about you won’t change. I’ve just got to do some work on the other stuff. I need to unpack some of the emotional baggage I’m still carrying around.”

“Work fast, okay?” He tilted his head to the side and flashed a dimple my way.

“Okay.”

Before Sean could say another word, I was out the door. Nick had conveniently taken my bag, along with Simba, upstairs. Unlocking the door, I carried everything inside the empty apartment, shut the door, and sighed.

* * *

A few mornings later, I sat at the kitchen table with a pen, pad and a cup of coffee. I looked up at my cousin’s relaxed posture and breathed a sigh of relief. We’d both talked about how nice our mini-vacations had been, but neither of us had given out the details. All I knew was that Trey had taken an emotionally exhausted Rena home to his parents and returned her to me a changed woman.