GABRIEL (The Innerworld Affairs Series, Book 4) (33 page)

Gabriel had never gotten over the tremendous inadequacy he had felt as an average child among so many extremely gifted people.

Perhaps that also explained some of the jealousy he'd exhibited around her. He wasn't nearly as confident as he pretended to be.

I understand.
She let him see that she often felt the same way.

You see?
Gabriel thought to her in return.
We have several things in common after all.

Several?

We had difficult childhoods, are devoted to our careers and will take risks to get what we want. And then there's that little problem we both have with obstinance.

She made a face at him.
Let's get started. You showed me what it was like when you were a child. Take the jammer off so I can experience what you pick up now.

He took a slow breath and did as she asked.

It was incredible. And nearly paralyzing. They were hearing thoughts from people all over the ship.
Gabriel. Focus on me and feel what I'm doing.
Slowly, and only a bit at a time, she blocked out all the external thoughts and voices, then reversed the process just as gradually.
Now you try it.

At first he couldn't do it at all. After she walked him through it several times, he still couldn't eliminate the thoughts, but he could at least quiet them to where they weren't so overwhelming.

Shara could feel him tiring and it was wearing on her, but now that she understood why this was important to him, she wanted to give him a treat for making progress, like any good teacher would.

He arched an eyebrow at her.
What kind of treat?

She clucked her tongue at him as she felt his sex swell in anticipation.
I was thinking of something you
hadn't
done before! Stay with me now.
She closed her eyes and mentally left their cabin.

Gabriel balked for a second, but then he understood that she was giving him a demonstration of her ability to see things that were not within her line of sight. After a quick tour of the ship, she showed him how she could use her mind to move several items around inside their cabin. He enjoyed that immensely though it made him remember how she had removed his tunic the other night. When he felt how uncomfortable the memory made her, he apologized, but they both knew he wasn't really sorry. Her only response was to reconstruct the partition.

"That's enough for now. Later on, when we're around someone else, I'll let you feel the power of suggestion. We can work on blocking a little more each day. Who knows, by the time this trip ends, you may be able to do all of it on your own."
And then you could go on with your life the way you'd planned it, as if you'd never been forced to join with me.

For the next three days, they worked on their separate projects, practiced Gabriel's mental skills and made an effort to tire themselves sufficiently to be able to fall sleep in the same bed without touching. Shara figured out how to hold the partition throughout the night and how to hold back parts of both their minds while they practiced, but the constant effort prevented her from ever relaxing completely.

Every morning they awoke in each other's arms and said nothing about it. Every time Shara lowered the wall, she felt Gabriel's restrained desire for her. However, to her surprise and confusion, he never acted on it.

By the fifth day, Shara was so tense waiting for him to do something more than merely
think
about sex, she probed his mind during a practice session.

What was that?
he asked as soon as she tried to do it without his knowledge.

She felt her cheeks flush. It would have been easy to throw the wall back up and keep him out of her mind until she regained control over her thoughts but that was the coward's way out.
Congratulations. A few days ago you wouldn't have noticed a probe that subtle.

He narrowed his eyes at her.
That wasn't just a test. What did you want to know?
He felt her struggling to control which thoughts she would allow him to read. She was mentally stuttering, and knowing Shara, he guessed intimacy was probably involved.

She gave up on subtlety and admitted her bewilderment.
I don't understand. I feel your desire constantly. Even when the wall is up, sometimes you look at me and I know you're thinking about coupling.

Yes, I do seem to be somewhat preoccupied with wanting to be inside you.

His words triggered an involuntary sexual response deep within her.
Then why—

Why don't I act on it? I am not an undisciplined animal and there's no fever driving me to satisfy my need without your enthusiastic participation. As long as you prefer our relationship to be platonic, that's what it will be.
He waited for her to point out the error in his thinking, hoped she would correct him about what she wanted out of this peculiar relationship, but all he felt coming from her was confusion, then the wall was reconstructed.

No!
he ordered and tried every tool she had taught him to focus his mental energy on tearing down the wall again but she was too strong for him. "You can't hide from this forever, Shara. You're the one who brought it up, so you can't pretend you're not thinking about it. You've buried your feelings so deeply,
you
don't even know what you want. But I'll tell you this. As long as you can't decide if you want me or not, I'm not going to seduce you into coupling with me. The choice will be completely yours, with no coercion on my part except to let you know how I feel."

She turned away from him but he spun her around again and held her upper arms. "Let me tell you what your probing would have learned. I want you so much, I ache. I want to hold you, kiss you, touch you. Anywhere. Anytime. And I want you to touch me the same way. We're mated, Shara, whether we wished for it or not. That means neither one of us will ever find pleasure with anyone else, even if we go our separate ways. Is that really what you want? A lifetime of never again feeling what we shared the other night?"

If physical force would have dragged the answer out of her, he might have resorted to it, but he could tell she simply wasn't ready to answer that question. Releasing her, he turned and walked out the cabin door.

Chapter 17

Shara took the tempometer out of her bag and set it on the table. She was fairly sure she had found a way to fine-tune the destination date, but until they tested it, she couldn't know for sure. In the meantime, it wouldn't hurt to examine it and go over Lantana's notes one more time.

It didn't matter what Gabriel said. She'd managed a long time without a physical relationship with a man before him and she'd manage after him. Despite her intention not to think about anything but the tempometer, his words kept replaying in her mind. Suddenly she realized why she couldn't let it go.

He'd said
if
not
when
we go our separate ways. She had assumed there was no possibility of them having a future together. Had her assumption been wrong?

His comment days ago about them having things in common came back to her. She had told him only once that she and her ideal mate would have a lot in common but obviously he'd remembered that and given it some thought. That in itself suggested that he might be considering a long-term relationship. Though she and Gabriel might not have
everything
in common, they did have some common ground to build on... if they chose to.

She considered how hard he was working to adopt her skills. Again she had assumed it was so that he could leave her, knowing that he could keep her out of his head permanently. Afraid of what she would find, she had avoided examining his feelings about her too closely. However, she had noticed that the resentment toward her personally had disappeared. Was it possible that he was working so hard, not to leave her, but to adjust to having her around?

That possibility allowed her to bring her own feelings out from where she'd buried them. There was a lot about Gabriel she liked but did she want to spend the rest of her life with him? With her career in a laboratory and his in the field, she couldn't imagine how they could share their lives even if they were madly in love.

Like her parents were. Romulus would have given up his career for Aster and she had risked her life for him.

If Gabriel loved her...

There wasn't much sense in fantasizing over what she could not have. What she needed to do now was make the best of what she did have.

She had a mate who was trying very hard to adjust to a situation he'd always despised. She had a mate who was intelligent, considerate, entertaining, usually reasonable... The list was longer than she'd realized. He made a fine companion, when they weren't arguing. Physically, he was a perfect specimen of manhood. She would never tire of looking at him.

She had a mate who desired her and wanted to please. Now that she permitted herself to think about their joining, she supposed Gabriel was close to being an ideal mate... except that he didn't love her and would have preferred not to be mated at all.

Even that might not have been so difficult to accept... if she hadn't already lost her heart to him.

Later that day when he asked if they were going to practice some more, she put him off. Until she had all her thoughts in order, she didn't want him to know what a quandary she was in.

Finally, in the lounge after dinner, while she watched Gabriel playing a game of cards, the only reasonable answer came to her. She couldn't stop herself from loving him and she couldn't make him fall in love with her, but that didn't mean they couldn't work out a comfortable arrangement. After deliberating all day, she came to the conclusion that such an arrangement might be preferable to never seeing him again. He seemed to be open to the possibility of their maintaining a relationship beyond the end of this journey, so it was now up to her to show him that staying together could be more pleasant than living alone.

If he could discard his resentment and accustom himself to their joined minds, she could certainly forget her girlish dreams of undying love so that they could share their bodies
and
their lives.

Gabriel?
She was pleased to note he barely flinched at the unexpected intrusion. He
was
getting used to her being in his head. He looked up from the cards in his hand.
I'm tired. I'm going back to our cabin.

He started to nod and say good night, when he sensed something lying beneath her words. Before he could question her however, she raised the partition and left the lounge. He continued playing the game, but that
something
kept tickling at his brain. She hadn't wanted him to know about it, of that much he was certain.

He experienced a moment of panic when he thought she might be abandoning him then realized how ridiculous that was. They were traveling through space. There was nowhere she could go. So what was she up to?

Excusing himself from the game, he went to find out what she was doing before it was too late. By the time he entered the cabin, he was prepared for a confrontation... about
something.

"Gabriel?" Shara called from the sanitation cell. "I didn't expect you so soon."

Good, he thought, she had not had time to do whatever nefarious deed she'd planned this time. He thought he was ready for her when she came out of the cell. But the sight of her readied him for a very different something than what he'd expected.

An enticing white gown showed off more of her luscious form than it concealed. Two strips of peek-a-boo lace crisscrossed over her breasts and the floor-length skirt was sheer enough to allow him to see a hint of the dark triangle between her legs.

The way he was looking at her made her heart race. She smiled shyly and said, "If I had chosen to be joined, I would have worn a gown like this for my mate. I didn't get to experience the formal joining ceremony but if you are willing to accommodate me, I would very much like to have the celebration night that would have followed it."

Gabriel had to fight his body's urge to lunge across the room and fulfill her request before she changed her mind but he wanted one favor in return. "If this had been a normal joining, there would be no barriers between us. Will you lower the partition and leave it down for the night?"

"If you wish."

"I do."