Gateway (The Gateway Trilogy, Book 1) (14 page)

“Until?”

“Well, until I zoned out, I said. “When I was trying to relax and breathe or whatever, I was hopeless.”

It seemed best to be honest. If I didn't belong here, it would be better to find out sooner rather than later.

“Tell me about this 'zoning out.'“ He peered at me over his teacup.

“I'm not sure how to explain it… it's something I started doing when I was a kid,” I said. “My mom gets on these rants sometimes. They can get pretty intense. And long. I needed a way to escape, but I was a kid. There was nowhere for me to go. So, I'd pick a spot—maybe on the ground, or my hand, or the sofa, and I'd just sort of… fall into it.”

If he thought that was odd he didn't show it. “And how do you feel when you do that?”

“I don't,” I said. “That's the point.”

“When you're in this place, this spot you've chosen, are you aware of what's going on around you?”

“Mostly. It’s like there’s this small part of me that’s paying attention, just enough to keep me out of trouble.  I used to lose myself completely. Mom said I would just go catatonic sometimes and it freaked her out. She’d shake me and I’d come back, but wouldn’t remember anything she’d been saying. So I learned to control it—to pay just enough attention that I could respond appropriately, but still feel far enough away that nothing could touch me.”

“I see,” he said thoughtfully. “Would you mind demonstrating for me?”

I looked around for a moment. My gaze fell upon the polished wood of the table. There was an interesting knothole at the edge…

“Ember?” Master Dogan spoke from far away.

“Yes?”

Speaking simple words and phrases wasn't difficult, it was simply a matter of allowing the part of my brain that was still in the room to handle such rudimentary tasks. Similar to not having to think about breathing, feigning attention required little effort.

“Can you tell me two plus two?” He asked, his voice traveling down the knothole to reach me.

“Four,” I replied.

He rose from his cushion and walked behind me. There was a crash, but the sound was muted. I didn't flinch.

“Are you alright Master Dogan or was that a test?”

Instead of responding he passed his hand in front of my eyes, but not letting me see the knothole had the same impact as locking the door to a room that had been entered. I was already inside.

He went back to his cushion and sat. “Would you please come back now?”

I blinked rapidly and forced myself to become completely aware of my body, my surroundings.

“I'm here.”

“So you are,” he said, pleased. “That was quite impressive. To develop such an effective coping mechanism at such a young age—it probably saved your life, certainly your sanity.”

I frowned. “If I'm so well-adjusted, why did I try to kill myself?”

“You tell me,” he said.

I had walked right into that one. “I guess this was where you prove you're a real head shrinker?”

“No, this is where you tell me why someone as bright and capable as yourself would rob the world of your potential.”

There was nothing accusing in his tone, and I realized I wanted him to understand. Daemon or not, I was beginning to believe this man could help me.

“I just… wanted to be done,” I said. “I look at this world, and I think about me in it and it just feels…wrong. I see other people and they seem to get it—whatever it is that makes things make sense in this life—and I just don't. And I don't want to, because then I think I really would be crazy. I know to the rest of the world I seem nuts, but to me, they seem nuts—walking around living their lives, totally unaware that there is just something
wrong
here…” I struggled, unsure how to encapsulate all that had led up to that night. “I was just done trying.”

“And the voice you hear, it encouraged you to take the pills?”

Taren had told him about the Voice. I supposed it was his duty, I just wasn't used to my secrets being laid bare.

“Yeah. I mean, I'd thought about suicide even before I started hearing It, but the actual planning didn't start until recently.”

“So you planned and yet you didn't succeed,” he said.

“Yeah, which I've been trying to figure out since it happened. I really did want to die. So why did I take the pills before my mom had done her nightly check-in?”

“Maybe you wanted to be found out,” he offered.

I shook my head. “No, I'm telling you, I was done. I wanted out. I researched the meds online and went through the trouble of calculating what would be a lethal dose. Then the Voice—”

“The voice, what?”  he asked.

“It urged me to start taking them—right then. It took up so much space in my head that I couldn't think of anything else. All logic was gone, I only felt pain and hopelessness. What had once been an option became the only solution, and I had to take action.”

Master Dogan just waited.

“But why? If the Voice I hear is demonic, why would it have urged me to take those pills when I'd be almost certain to survive it? Doesn't that prove It isn't evil? That it wanted me to live?”

“What if it did want you to live
and
it is evil? What if you are right where it wants you to be?”

“But why?” I said again. “I'm safe here. I haven't heard It since I arrived.”

“Ember, if you are what Annys and I believe you to be, you are connected to the Gateway in a very powerful way. As with all power, that connection can be used for good or ill. If this voice of yours had designs to use you, what better place than here, at the Gateway itself?”

The hairs stood up on the back of my neck. “What do you think it wants me to do?”

Master Dogan was silent for a moment, then said, “We have reason to believe the demons are gaining strength and planning an invasion. I suspect they wish to use you for that end.”

He didn't know I'd been told about the breach, yet even admitting this much seemed difficult for him.

“Why do I only hear one Voice?” I asked. “Callie, the others, they hear several, right?”

“They do. I believe it to be due to your lineage. Over time, the imprisoned Daemons have gone through a de-evolution of sorts. Though the world they started with was an exact mirror of our own, and not meant to be a punishment, it is now a place of utter darkness. What was once an advanced society has become ruled by hatred and a lust for revenge. But what if not all of them have become such base creatures? With more and more troubled children to weed through, it has become difficult to find the marked ones in time. What if there are demons that have been biding their time, waiting for the proper time to strike?”

“And that time is now?” I failed to keep the fear from my voice.

“Once you marked yourself with that symbol, you made it known who and what you are. You put yourself on the radar, so to speak.”

I wanted to claw the ink from my shoulder blade. “What if I had it removed—layered off? Would that change anything?”

Master Dogan looked at me with sympathy. “I'm afraid not. Think of it like a radio wave. It knows your frequency now; has access to your thoughts. And with that comes the knowledge that you were not born with a symbol, and yet know it in its entirety, which makes you very valuable.”

“So I'm not a lost cause?” I had long since given up hope that I was going to make something of myself in this life.

“Ember, when was it that things took a turn for you? I don't mean your outside circumstances—I've read your file and know the difficulties you've faced: absent father, a mother who suffers from mental illness. I'm talking about when you stopped being determined to overcome those obstacles.”

I struggled against the sadness threatening to envelop me. For so long I'd soldiered on, fueled by the surety that one day I'd show them—anyone who had ever doubted me—but that had ceased being enough.

“I guess when I realized it was no use. That the life I wanted to create couldn't exist. Not in this world.”

“And why is that?”

“Because nothing good can survive here. Friends betray you, guys are creeps…”

Even as I said it I was aware I no longer fully believed it, not after all that had happened. Having met Callie, Master Dogan, Taren…

“And when was it, exactly, that you began to think that no one could be trusted?”

With that question, the pieces clicked into place. The Voice telling me when I was being gossiped about, when I would be betrayed—reveling in Its assurance that I didn't belong in this world and would finally be free if I just let go. It had told me, but I’d been the one eager to believe.

Then there was the failed suicide attempt, which had landed me in Windsor. And the Voice urging me to trust Taren, which ultimately had led me to go with him to see Callie, which in turn had caused us to be together when the attack happened. Our fleeing together was the sole reason Taren had found out about my tattoo, which had led me here, a mere two hundred yards from the doorway to a demonic dimension.

I locked eyes with Master Dogan. He had known all along, but had led me expertly down a path so I would see it for myself.

“So It's been using me, and I fell for it. All this time I’ve been afraid I was crazy, but really I’m just colossally stupid.”

“You are not stupid, Ember—far from it. You've grown up with untenable instability and needed someone you could always rely on, so that is what It became for you. It lends credence to my suspicion that we are dealing with a highly evolved entity; one not easily beaten. Luckily, we can keep you safe while you learn techniques to block it out.”

“So it's possible? I can be free again?” I needed to believe there was hope. I couldn't bear the thought of never leaving this small patch of earth for fear of being some demon's puppet, or worse, escape plan.

Master Dogan studied me. “Yes, I believe it's possible. What I need to know from you now, is if you are still feeling suicidal.”

I shook my head. “No. When I woke up in the hospital I was so disappointed to have failed, but now… at least it makes sense. My depression, the Voice. It's terrifying, but it makes sense. And if you think I can be of use here…”

“I'm glad to hear that, and yes, you can be of great use. You will need to apply yourself to your studies even more so than your peers, and some of your training will need to take place in secret. I will be handling that personally in sessions like this. Unlike today, however, they must not detract from your class time. We'll need to meet when you are done for the day. I've arranged my schedule to see you three times a week at four o'clock. Should anyone ask, you will need to say we are working on personal issues.”

Great, even in an Institute full of people who had struggled with sanity, I was going to be a standout. I reconciled myself to the idea. Something was coming alive inside of me—the need to be part of something. I had spent so long trying to separate myself from everyone and everything that it felt foreign, and yet it felt right.

We finished the session with Master Dogan instructing that instead of “falling in” during morning meditation, that I practice going in with awareness. Once I'd mastered that, I was to attempt it with my eyes closed, imagining a point of light in my mind's eye and entering that. I agreed, and Master Dogan told me he'd see me in two days.

***

Sarah was waiting for me when I exited Master Dogan's office. She popped up from where she sat doing what looked like schoolwork.

“I'll show you to your second class now,” she said. “It starts in five minutes.”

“That would be great, thanks,” I replied and followed her through the yurt and back outside.

The air was crisp and the sun bright. The warmth matched the feeling that was growing from within and I wanted to prolong it. I took small strides, forcing Sarah to match my pace. I wasn't crazy. I was safe here. And with practice, the Voice would no longer be able to control me.

“You'll be in room two, next,” Sarah said, when we had reached a small cluster of one-room buildings.

As if on cue, the doors to the four buildings opened and students began shuffling between them.

“Thanks for showing me around.” I gave her a smile before turning and joining the crowd.

I entered room two and took a seat. Callie filtered in shortly after and joined me.

“So what did Master Dogan want?” she asked.

“He just wanted to make sure I'm not still feeling depressed,” I said. “I'm totally not, but he wants follow-up sessions anyway. How was first period?”

“So cool. The teacher gave us a lecture about demons and how they started as good, but then there was a war. It's a whole thing.”

“Sounds like it,” I said, feigning ignorance.

I looked around at the other students and realized I was the oldest by a few years. I wondered what I would have made of all of this if I'd been brought here when I was twelve.

A stern-looking woman in her fifties entered the classroom and spoke. “All right, settle down.” Her gaze settled on Callie and me. “I see we have two new students. My name is Mistress Bowen, and this is where we discuss the different types of demons that inhabit the world beyond the Gateway. Who can tell Ember and Callie how we know what we do about the demon dimension?”