Get Smart 8 - Max Smart Loses Control (6 page)

Chief:
Max? For heaven’s sake, is that you? What’s all that prattle about a sweet tooth?

Operator:
He’s been hitting the dandelion wine again, Chief.

Max:
That’s not so, Chief. The fact is, if you could see me now, you’d swear I was a dead ringer for a Fudgy-Nut Bar. See what happens when you put Hymie in charge? Not only did he let Means and Ways get away with Number One, but he very nearly got himself and 99 and me displayed on candy counters all over America.

Chief:
Max, what are you talking about? What Ways and Means?

Max:
Means and Ways, Chief. They’re two little dumpy KAOS agents who wear derby hats and operate a candy factory at a very nice profit—up seventeen per cent last year.

Chief:
I see. And this Ways and Means, as I understand it, they got away from you?

Max:
Means and Ways, Chief. The way you say it—Ways and Means—it sounds funny. Yes, thanks to our fearless but stupid leader, they got away. And it’s my guess that they took Number One with them. We’ll probably never find her now. You might mention that to HIM the next time you’re talking to him.

Chief:
Max, let me talk to Hymie.

Max:
Hymie who, Chief?

Chief:
You know who I mean, Max. Put him on!

Max:
Chief, I have a suggestion. Wouldn’t it be better to put me in charge of the case? I could send Hymie back to headquarters and you could talk to him personally. A lot of misunderstandings result from poor communications, Chief. There might be static on the line, and Hymie might not understand what you were telling him.

Chief:
Max!

Max handed his shoe to Hymie. “This may be a party line,” he said. “Don’t say anything you wouldn’t want your nearest and dearest friend to overhear.”

Hymie took over the phone, and, at the Chief’s insistence, began explaining what had gone wrong—and why.

“That’s the trouble with machines,” Max grumbled to 99. “Ask a straight question and you get a straight answer.”

“He took an oath to tell the Chief the truth, Max,” 99 said.

“I took that same oath, 99. But I had sense enough to cross my fingers when I took it. See? There’s further proof of the superiority of the human. A machine doesn’t think far enough ahead to cross its fingers when it’s taking an oath.”

Hymie handed the shoe back to Max. “He wants to talk to you again,” he said.

Max:
This is a recorded announcement: Your party has been called away on business. If you would care to leave a message, please begin recording at the sound of the beep.

Operator:
It’s him! It’s him, Chief! That recorded announcement is as phony as a ten-cent circuit-breaker!

Max:
It takes one to know one!

Chief:
Max! Stop it! All I want to say is that I understand why you feel so badly about Hymie being in charge of the case. I can put myself in your shoes. I know how I’d feel if HIM put you in charge of Control. I’d kill myself. But, Max, we must follow orders. So, please . . . please, Max . . . try not to do any thinking for yourself. Let Hymie make the decisions. All right?

(Silence)

Chief:
Max! Are you there? Max, when I said I’d kill myself, I didn’t mean—

Max:
Don’t get excited, Chief. I was just thinking.

Chief:
Max, I told you to stop that.

Max:
Oh . . . not about the case exactly, Chief. I was just wondering . . . when I said I was chewy and crunchy, didn’t that even give you a faint idea who I was?

(Silence)

Max:
Chief? Chief? Are you there?

(Silence)

Max:
Chief? Operator? Somebody?

(Silence)

Max put his shoe back on.

“What happened, Max?” 99 asked.

“The telephone workers must have suddenly gone on strike,” Max said. “We were cut off.”

M
AX
, 99
AND
H
YMIE
went to their respective apartments, got out of the sticky chocolate into some dry clothes, and then, after rendezvousing at Max’s, returned to the candy factory to look for some clue that might allow them to pick up the trail of Ways, Means and Number One.

“I wouldn’t be surprised to discover that Number One is still here in the candy factory,” Max said, speaking to 99, but making sure he could be overheard by Hymie. “But, if Hymie, our beloved brother agent, who is in charge of the case, wants me to look for evidence that she’s been taken away, then that’s what I’ll do. Mine is not to reason why, mine is but to do or die. Discipline is very important in secret agent work. Somebody has to be in charge, and somebody has to be the leader, and all the rest have to be the followers. It isn’t important that the followers might have more experience and—”

“Max . . . please,” 99 said wearily.

“Am I running it into the ground, 99?”

“Yes, Max.”

“Well, it’s good to get resentments out of your system, you know, 99. If I kept it inside me, all bottled up, I might, in time, become a bitter old man.”

“Max, if I have to listen to much more, I suspect that, sooner than that, I’m going to become a bitter old woman.”

“Sorry, 99.”

“That’s all right, Max. Just—”

At that moment, Hymie called to them. He was holding a scrap of computer tape. “I think I found something,” he said. He showed the tape to Max and 99. On it was printed the letters: AU.

“You certainly did find something,” Max said. “Now throw it away, Hymie, and let’s keep looking for clues.”

“But I think this is a clue,” Hymie said. “My guess is that while Number One was being taken away she was thinking to herself—for want of something to do—and this is what she was thinking.”

“Au?” Max replied. “That’s thinking? I doubt it very much, Hymie. Maybe Means and Ways were feeding her information too fast and she was gagging.”

“No,” Hymie said. “Au means—”

“Or maybe one of them was standing on her foot,” Max suggested.

“Max, Number One doesn’t have a foot. I’m sure this is what she had on her mind. It’s like her. She probably overheard Ways and Means say where they were going to take her and she was mulling it over. She plays a little game sometimes when she’s bored. The word association game.”

“What place could she possibly associate with Au?” Max asked.

“Fort Knox,” Hymie replied.

Max snickered. “Did you get that, 99? Hymie thinks Number One associated Au with Fort Knox.”

“He might very well be right, Max,” 99 replied. “Au is the symbol for gold, you know. And gold and Fort Knox sure are a good match.”

“Oh,” Max said. “Well, of course, I knew all along that Au is the symbol for gold. But, Fort Knox? That may have been a good match a few decades ago, but today, when you ask yourself, ‘where’s the money,’ the answer is not Fort Knox. It’s Las Vegas.”

99 thought for a second. “You might be right, Max,” she decided.

“I think of Fort Knox,” Hymie said.

“All
that
proves is how square you are,” Max told him. “Just consider for a moment, Hymie. If you were Means and Ways, and you had to take a computer somewhere to keep her out of sight while you brainwashed her, which would it be, Fort Knox or Las Vegas? The answer, obviously, is Las Vegas. There’s no night life in Fort Knox, you know, Hymie.”

“What does that have to do with brainwashing a computer, Max?”

“I haven’t the faintest idea. But you can be sure that when we find Means and Ways that’s one of the first questions I’ll ask them. Now, is it settled? Shall we go to Las Vegas?”

“Fort Knox,” Hymie said.

“How about Fort Knox by way of Las Vegas?” Max suggested.

“Fort Knox—straight,” Hymie said.

“You know, Hymie,” 99 said, “Max could very well be right about Las Vegas.”

“I could?” Max said, surprised.

“I’m a woman,” 99 said to Hymie, “and when I think of gold, I think of Las Vegas, too. And, don’t forget, Number One is a female. Why don’t we do this? Why don’t you go to Fort Knox and Max and I will go to Las Vegas?”

“That’s good computing, 99,” Hymie replied. “We’ll do that.”

From the candy factory they went to the airport. There, Max and 99 got a plane for Las Vegas and Hymie took a flight to Fort Knox. A few hours later, Max and 99 checked into a large hotel in Las Vegas, and not long after that, at Max’s suggestion, they went to the hotel’s gambling casino.

“What now, Max?” 99 asked. “I don’t see either Ways or Means anywhere around.”

“They’ll show up,” Max said confidently. “I think I’ve got it all figured out, 99. Remember?—that blonde told us that Means and Ways were making a profit on that candy factory. It’s my guess that they were using it to finance this operation. But, since they can’t use the candy factory anymore, they’ll have to get money from somewhere else—right? So—”

“Max, you mean you think they’re financing the operation by gambling? Isn’t that a little risky?”

“Not if you’re not really gambling, 99.”

“I don’t understand, Max. How can you gamble without really gambling?”

“Just suppose, 99, that Means and Ways have brainwashed one of these slot machines? When they needed money, all they’d have to do is show up and hit the jackpot.”

“Max . . . that’s a little far-fetched . . .”

“When it was first mentioned, space travel sounded a little far-fetched, too, 99. But that didn’t stop Thomas Edison.”

“Thomas Edison invented the electric light, Max.”

“I’m talking about before that, when he flew his kite in a storm and discovered lightning. What do you think an electric light is, 99? It’s a little bulb of lightning.”

“Oh. But . . . Max . . . what’s the connection with space travel?”

“You don’t think they send those space ships up without lights, do you, 99? That would be very dangerous. How would they see where they were going at night?”

99 nodded. “I guess you’re right, Max,” she said. “Ways and Means probably are financing the operation by brainwashing a slot machine.” She peered at the hundreds of one-armed bandits in the casino. “But which one?”

“Well, we could wait around until we saw Means or Ways come in and play a machine and hit a jack-pot,” Max replied. “But they could be sending someone else to play it for them. So we’ll just have to start playing the machines and keep it up until we find the one that pays off every time with a jackpot.”

“I don’t know, Max. It seems to me—”

“Then when we find it,” Max went on, “we’ll put a stake-out on it. Sooner or later, we’ll spot the guy who’s collecting on it for Means and Ways. We’ll follow him, and where he goes, that’s where we’ll find Number One.”

“It sounds so simple . . .” 99 said worriedly.

“Basically, 99, all of my ideas are simple.”

“I know, Max. But this one sounds easy, too.”

“Nobody likes an acid-tongued secret agent, 99. Just hand over your change, and let’s get started.”

They approached the first machine, and Max put a silver dollar into the slot, then pulled the handle. The cylinder spun, then stopped, showing an apple, a lemon and a cherry.

“Shall we try the next one, Max?”

“Just a minute, 99. This may not be the machine we’re looking for, but I have a feeling that it’s about to pay off, nevertheless. If we can pick up a little profit on the side, what’s the harm?”

“Max, we’re here on business.”

“But, 99, this machine is ripe. I can sense it. Why let somebody else walk away with the winnings?” He put another silver dollar into the slot. “Just this once,” he said. “I promise—from now on, it’ll be strictly business.” He pulled down on the handle.

The cylinder spun, and two lemons and a cherry came up.

“Can we move on now, Max?”

“99, I’ve invested two dollars in this machine. I can’t quit now. Especially when it’s right on the verge of coughing up that jackpot.” He put another dollar into the slot. “Heads up, 99—here it comes.” He pulled the handle. “We should have thought to bring a large bag to carry the winnings in.”

He got a cherry, a lemon and a peach.

“Max—”

“Don’t say it, 99. You’re right—I misjudged. It’s going to take a few more plays before this machine pays off.” He handed her a fifty-dollar bill. “Here, get me some change for this. I’ll stay here. I don’t want anybody else to get this machine—not while it’s hot.”

99 got more silver dollars for Max and he continued to play—and to lose the silver dollars. After he had been at it for about an hour, 99 drifted away and went to the coffee shop and had lunch. When she returned, Max sent her after more change. When she returned, she watched him a while longer, then, bored, she went to her room and had a nap. That evening, returning to the casino, she was surprised to find that he was no longer at the slot machine. There was an Out-of-Order sign on it. The sign was hand-printed in a shaky scrawl. Since Max was not playing any of the other machines, either, 99 went looking for him. She found him in the lobby, standing near the check-in desk. He was nervously drumming his fingers on the counter.

“Max—”

Max jumped, startled. “Don’t do that, 99,” he complained. “I’m a little on edge.”

“What are you doing here, Max?”

“Waiting for a reply to my wire to the Chief,” Max replied. “I asked him to send more money.”

“Oh. You mean—”

“99, it’s fantastic. That machine is going to pay off on the very next play. But I’m completely out of cash.”

“But, Max, that machine is out-of-order.”

“I put that sign on it, 99. Do you think I want some stranger to walk off with my winnings?”

“Max, isn’t this getting a little out of hand?” 99 said. “Remember what we’re here for? We’re looking for Number One.”

“Number who, 99?”

“Max! For heaven’s sake! I think you’ve got gambling fever. That’s terrible! Don’t you know you can’t win?”

“Can’t win?” Max said indignantly. “One more play, 99, and I’ll be rich! 99, I’ve learned to communicate with that machine. And believe me, it’s my friend. It wants me to win. Is it the machine’s fault that I ran out of money?”

At that moment, the clerk spoke to Max. “Your wire came in, sir,” he said. “And here’s the money—a thousand dollars.”