Get Smart 8 - Max Smart Loses Control (8 page)

“Well,” Max replied, “if you count that Fourth of July when I had the mumps and didn’t go out and get my fingers blown off with a firecracker . . . and the day . . .”

M
AX AND
99 rented a car from an unbelievable organization called a rent-a-car agency, then, after asking for directions, sped toward the Leg Up Dude Ranch. As they neared it, driving slowly now, a figure suddenly stepped from behind a cactus and waved to them.

“Max! That’s Hymie!” 99 said.

“It could be a KAOS agent disguised as Hymie, 99,” Max replied. “Maybe we better run him down first and ask questions later.”

“Max—stop it. Try to get along with Hymie. It isn’t his fault he’s in charge.”

Max pulled over, and Hymie came trotting up to the car.

“Hi, Hymie,” 99 said cordially. “How did you know it was us?”

“I heard you talking when you were still miles away,” Hymie replied. “My super sensitive hearing, you know.”

“Oh . . . sure. Gee, I hope you didn’t hear anything that offended you.”

“Not until you drove up just a minute ago—when Max wanted to run me down,” Hymie replied.

“Well, of course, Hymie, I didn’t mean that,” Max said. “If your Uncle HIM should ask, you can tell him it was just a little joke.”

“Hymie,” 99 said, “The Chief told us you think you’ve found Number One.”

Hymie nodded. “She’s up ahead—at the dude ranch,” he said. “I heard her ticking. She’s having a fine time. From what I can gather from the ticking, Ways and Means have got her well oiled ”

“You mean-—”

“I mean well oiled,” Hymie said, “I can’t understand half of what she ticks.”

“We better get in there and save her,” Max said. “Lead on, Hymie. We’ll storm the place.”

Hymie shook his head. “That won’t work, Max,” he said. “There are guards all around. They look like ordinary ranch hands, but, in fact, they’re KAOS agents.”

“Mmmmm . . . let’s take a look at the place,” Max said. “With my experience, I’ll probably be able to spot a weakness in the KAOS defense.”

Hymie led the way across the desert toward the Leg Up Dude Ranch. As they approached it, he motioned for Max and 99 to crouch, and then he halted the advance just as they neared the top of a sand dune.

“The ranch is just on the other side of this dune,” Hymie explained. “Don’t let the guards see you.”

Max and 99 peeked over the top of the mound of sand. They saw a large fenced-in area. There was a big guest house, and behind it a pool, and then a smaller house for the ranch hands. In the corral there were two animals—one that looked a great deal like a horse and another that looked like a cow.

“Baffling,” Max said.

“What is, Max?” 99 asked.

“Why they call it the ‘Leg Up,’” Max replied. “I don’t get the connection.”

“Max, that isn’t important. Do you see the weakness in the defense?”

“Of course I do, 99. It was obvious at first sight. That ranch is a sitting duck for a man with a cannister of hypnotizing vapor.”

“Max . . .”

“I know, I know, 99—the same old problem. But, after all, all I promised was to spot the weakness. I didn’t say I could do anything about it.”

Max and 99 ducked down behind the dune again.

“I don’t suppose you thought to bring a cannister of hypnotizing vapor,” Max said to Hymie.

“What’s that, Max?”

Max turned to 99. “What can I do? I’m at the mercy of my leader. If he fails, I fail—it’s as simple as that. However,” he went on, “there’s always the alternative. If the initial plan happens to flop—due to bungling by the higher-ups—there’s always a second plan to fall back on.” To Hymie, he said, “You do have a second plan, I assume.”

“I propose that we infiltrate the ranch,” Hymie said.

“Well, that’s certainly better than your first idea—especially since you forgot to bring the hypnotizing vapor,” Max said. “And, as a matter of fact, it was what I was going to suggest, too. Tell me, Hymie, how do you think I think we ought to do it?”

“Max, you and I could apply for jobs as ranch hands,” Hymie replied. “All the hands they have now seem to be KAOS guards, so they must need somebody to do the work. And 99 could register as a guest.”

“Brilliant,” Max said. “Exactly what I was thinking.”

“There’s one problem,” 99 said. “Ways and Means have seen us, and surely they’ll recognize us if we appear at the ranch.”

“See, Hymie—you’re not so smart after all, are you?” Max said. “When you were thinking what I was thinking, you forgot that little detail.”

“I thought we could disguise ourselves,” Hymie said.

“You’re a mind-reader,” Max said approvingly.

The three returned to the car, drove back to town, then went to a costuming shop and purchased disguises. Max and Hymie cemented handlebar mustaches to their upper lips, and 99 donned a redheaded wig.

“How do I look?” Hymie asked.

“Ah don’t believe ah know you, stranger,” Max replied.

They then drove back to the ranch. After hiding the car, they approached the ranch gate, where a guard—dressed as a ranch hand—was on duty.

“Howdy, podna,” Max drawled. “We’re two cow pokes and a lady guest.” He indicated 99. “She’s the lady guest.”

“Welcome, Miss,” the ranch hand said. He pointed toward the guest house. “Thataway,” he said.

99 passed through the entrance and moved on toward the guest house.

“Whichaway do we go?” Max asked the hand.

“It depends on what you want?” the ranch hand replied.

“Waal, we just come off the big drive to Abilene,” Max said. “And we’re fixin’ to tie-up with a new outfit.”

“The big drive to Abilene, eh?” the hand said suspiciously. “How did you get there?”

“The freeway,” Max replied. “How else?”

“Well, we might be able to use some extra hands,” the guard said. “Come along.”

He led them to the guest house, then into the office. There, Max and Hymie found themselves in the presence of Wayne Ways and Melvin Means.

“Looking for work, eh?” Ways said. “Have you had any experience?”

“Doing what?” Max asked.

“Handling a herd,” Means said.

“Of course,” Max replied. “Cows are practically our middle names.”

“I’m talking about the guests,” Means said. “If they’re not watched, they stray, and get lost on the desert. That costs money.”

“What are you getting for guests by the pound these days?” Max asked.

“I mean if they stray and get lost for good they can’t pay their bills, naturally,” Means said. “Okay, you’re hired,” he decided. “Your duties will be to take care of the pony and the steer and—”

“Are they the same as the horse and the cow?” Max asked.

“Right. We only got one of each. That’s enough for atmosphere, we figure. Your other duty will be to do whatever the guests request. Just kind of hang around and be available.”

“We do that very well,” Max said.

“You’ll bunk in the bunkhouse with all the other hands,” Ways said. “Oh . . . and one other thing. If you happen to be near the pool and hear a lot of loud ticking, pay no attention to it.”

“What causes it?” Max asked.

“Sun spots,” Ways said.

Max peered at him puzzledly. “Sun spots?”

“Why not?” Means said. “Everything else gets blamed on sun spots—why not loud ticking?”

“That makes sense,” Max admitted.

“Okay, let’s shake a leg!” Ways said.

Hymie shook his right leg.

“Uh . . . he has a great sense of humor,” Max explained, hurrying Hymie out.

Max and Hymie went first to the bunkhouse. There were separate rooms for each of the hands. They were surprised to find that on each bedside table there was a bedside computer.

“That’s very nice of Means and Ways,” Max said. “Not every employer is thoughtful enough to supply his hired hands with such conveniences.”

“There must be some reason for it,” Hymie frowned.

“Of course there is—good employer-employee relations,” Max said.

“Some other reason,” Hymie insisted. “We’ll probably find out sooner or later.”

“In the meantime,” Max said, “we better pretend to be working.”

They left the bunkhouse and went to the corral.

“It’s probably either feeding time or milking time,” Max said. “Now . . . we have a horse and a cow, so it ought to be easy to figure out which to do to which. Except that . . . uh, Hymie, do you happen to know which is the horse and which is the cow?”

“A cow has horns, I think,” Hymie replied.

“Good—that settles that,” Max said, approaching the animal with the horns. “Now, then . . .” He looked under the steer. “Are you positive about that horn business?” he asked, raising up. “This cow doesn’t seem to have any faucets.”

“The horse doesn’t either,” Hymie reported.

“Maybe we’ve got a handicapped cow here,” Max said.

“Or—” Hymie began.

Just then, though, 99 appeared. “You!” she called to Max and Hymie. “I want to ride. Saddle the pony for me.”

“I guess she doesn’t recognize us,” Max said to Hymie. “These handlebar mustaches are a better disguise than I thought.”

“I think she’s putting on an act, Max,” Hymie said.

“What for, for heaven’s sake? We’re old friends.”

“She’s acting like a real guest, Max, to keep the other hands from getting suspicious.”

“Oh,” Max nodded.

“Well—are you going to saddle the horse?” 99 asked. “Or do I have to report you to the management?”

“There’s a little difficulty about that, lady,” Max replied. “But maybe you can straighten it out. Do you happen to know which one of these horses is the horse?”

“The high one,” 99 replied.

“Wouldn’t you know?” Max sighed. “When you have to put a saddle on it, it’s always the high one.” He went to the shed where the fodder and gear were kept and returned a moment later with the saddle. “What’re all these straps and buckles for?” he asked.

“For strapping the saddle onto the horse,” 99 said.

“Snaps would certainly be a lot more practical,” Max grumbled.

Moving closer, 99 whispered, “What have you found out, Max?”

“Please, lady,” he replied, “I’m only a hired hand. I don’t think I’m allowed to mix with the guests.”

“Max!”

“We found out that they have bedside computers in all the rooms in the bunkhouse,” Hymie said to 99.

“Hymie, cut that out,” Max scolded. “Didn’t you hear me—we’re not supposed to mix with the guests. Do you want to get us fired?”

“It’s me, Max,” 99 whispered.

“I know that, 99. That wig didn’t fool me for a minute. I just wanted to show you that I’m as good an actor as you are.”

Max tossed the saddle onto the horse—and it slid off the other side. “Good thing you weren’t in it,” he said to 99. “You might have got a nasty fall.”

“Do you have anything to report?” Hymie asked 99, while Max was retrieving the saddle.

“Yes . . . something very peculiar,” 99 replied. “The guests are . . . well, they’re acting very strangely. They’re supposed to be on vacation . . . and yet . . . they’re enjoying themselves . . .”

Max tossed the saddle onto the horse from the other side—and it kept right on going and landed on 99, pinning her to the ground.

Max reappeared. “You should have stayed out of it until I had it strapped to the horse, 99,” he said. “It looks like you had a nasty fall.”

“Max . . . will you get this thing off me?”

He picked up the saddle, and 99 got to her feet. “I was just telling Hymie about the guests,” she said. “They’re enjoying themselves.”

“They probably haven’t been horseback riding yet,” Max guessed.

“No, it’s more than that,” 99 said. “It’s really sort of eerie. I mean, I know about vacations. I’ve been on vacation myself. And I know how it goes. You sit around bored stiff most of the time. You worry about what’s happening back at the office. But these people aren’t doing that. They’re having a fine time. I’ve never seen a happier bunch.”

“They sound like a bunch of phonies to me,” Max said.

“99 . . . do you have a bedside computer in your room?” Hymie asked.

“Of course,” 99 replied. “Also television and a sauna and a barbecue pit and a sandbox. Why?”

“I think what we’ve stumbled onto is not really a dude ranch, but a clinical laboratory,” Hymie said.

“I agree,” Max said. “That sandbox is a dead giveaway.”

“I don’t understand,” 99 frowned.

“I’ll have Hymie explain it to you,” Max said. “I’m still tied-up trying to get this saddle on.” He turned to Hymie. “Explain my thinking to her, Hymie.”

“I suspect that KAOS is conducting a test here,” Hymie said. “The bedside computers have all been brainwashed. And, in turn, the computers are brainwashing the guests—making them believe they’re enjoying themselves.”

“That’s horrible!” 99 shuddered.

“If the test works here, it will prove the theory that KAOS can control the world simply by controlling the world’s bedside computers,” Hymie said.

“What I don’t understand,” Max said, “is how the sandbox fits in.”

“It doesn’t, Max,” Hymie replied.

“It’s just a convenience, Max, in case you happen to have the children with you on vacation,” 99 explained.

“Oh. Listen, 99, would you mind if I came to your room tonight?”

“Max!”

“All right, all right. If you’re going to be that way about it, keep your sandbox to yourself—see if I care.”

“Max,” 99 said, “were you listening when Hymie explained what’s going on here?”

“I didn’t have to, 99. It was my idea, wasn’t it?”

“We’ll have to be careful not to let our bedside computers brainwash us,” Hymie warned.

“You’re right,” Max said. “If we started enjoying our work the way these guests are enjoying their vacation, we’d become totally useless. What we’ll have to do is listen very carefully to what our bedside computers tell us to do, and then do exactly the opposite.”

“That might not help,” Hymie said. “Suppose Ways and Means adjust the computers to order us to do the opposite of what they want us to do. If we do the opposite of the opposite, then, in fact, we’ll be doing exactly what Ways and Means want.”

“Only a machine could come up with a nutty idea like that,” Max said. “And neither Means nor Ways are machines—so forget it.” Max had been busy with the saddle while carrying on the conversation. Now, he pointed proudly to his work, and said to 99, “There you are—have a nice ride, lady.”