Get Smart 8 - Max Smart Loses Control (7 page)

Max snatched the bag of silver dollars and rushed back to the casino, with 99 tagging after him. Quickly, he dropped another silver dollar into the slot, then pulled the handle. The cylinder spun—and came up with a peach, a lemon and a cherry.

“Your machine was lying to you, Max,” 99 said.

“No,” Max said, putting another dollar into the machine, “the trouble is, the conditions weren’t exactly right. I wasn’t holding my left foot off the floor an inch and a half.”

“Is that necessary?”

“Conditions have to be perfect,” Max said, pulling the handle.

He got two cherries and an apricot.

“Did you see that!” Max said excitedly. “Did you see that, 99?”

“No money came out, Max.”

“Not that. What I mean is, did you see that apricot. I’ve never got an apricot before. That’s a very good sign. Now, I think, if I just put my thumb in my right ear this time, I think that will do it!”

Max dropped another silver dollar into the machine.

99 sighed and moved on and went to the dining room and had dinner. When she finished, she stopped by the casino again. Max was still playing the machine.

“Any more apricots, Max?”

“No. But I got a kumquat. You don’t see many of those on a slot machine.”

“Have you hit the jackpot yet, Max?”

“Not yet, 99. But I’ll hit it on the very next try, I’m sure. Getting a kumquat is practically like getting a written guarantee.”

“Goodnight, Max,” 99 yawned. “I’m going to turn in.”

When 99 awakened the next morning, she telephoned to Max’s room. There was no answer. She had breakfast sent up, then dressed and went down to the casino. Max was not there. She moved on to the desk, intending to ask the clerk if he had seen him, guessing that Max may have wired for more money. But on her way through the lobby, she spotted him shining a man’s shoes. 99 waited until he had finished, then joined him.

“Max, is this a disguise?” she asked.

“Not exactly, 99,” he replied. “I’m just picking up a little change. That machine I’m playing is all set up to pay off. But, as luck would have it, I ran out of silver dollars again.”

“Max!” 99 said, appalled. “You’re shining shoes for money?”

“You certainly don’t think I’m doing it because I like it, do you?”

“Where did you get the shoe shine kit?”

“I rented it from the rent-a-shoe-shine-kit company.”

“But you said you ran out of money.”

“Fortunately, they accepted my Diner’s Club card.”

“Max . . . Max . . . look at you!” 99 said. “I’ll bet you haven’t had any sleep. Your eyes are bleary . . . your tie is loose . . . you look . . . well, terrible! Do you realize what’s happening, Max?”

“Of course I realize what’s happening, 99. I’m standing here talking to you when I could be hustling customers. Or, are you interested in a shoe shine?”

“I can’t afford it, Max. You put all my money in that machine.”

“Why don’t you rent yourself a kit, 99? I’ll let you use my Diner’s Club card.”

“Max, if the Chief—”

“Don’t mention that man’s name in my presence, 99. He’s a fair-weather Chief. I wired him for money, and he refused to send it.”

“No, he didn’t, Max. I was with you when it arrived.”

“That was the first time. Later, I sent him another wire, saying, SEND ANOTHER THOUSAND. And he wired back, WHAT FOR? Then I wired him again, saying, FOR OLD TIMES’ SAKE. After that, he telephoned me. And, 99, I would not repeat what he said to me. But, the gist of it was that my expense account has been cut off.”

“Did you tell him about your plan to locate Number One, Max?”

“The conversation didn’t get that far,” Max replied. “I hung up on him.”

“Max!”

“It served him right,” Max said. “He hung up on me first.”

“Max, you’ve got to stop this,” 99 pleaded. “Gambling is a sickness. Go to your room. Rest. I’ll telephone the Chief and explain everything. I’m sure he’ll forgive you.”

“Excuse me, 99,” Max said, moving away. “I have a customer.”

99 sat around the lobby all day watching Max shine shoes. Each time he got a dollar together, he rushed into the casino and put it into the slot machine. By night, not having hit the jackpot, he looked totally defeated.

“Are you ready to give up, Max?” 99 asked, joining him as he stood staring glassy-eyed at the machine.

“Yes, 99,” he replied, “I’ve had it. There’s just not enough big money in shoe shining. I need a new gimmick.”

“That’s not what I meant, Max. I meant, aren’t you ready to give up on this machine?”

“99, that’s ridiculous. I can’t quit now. Even if I just get back what I’ve put into this machine, I’ll be rich.”

“Max . . . please. Come with me. We’ll have dinner and talk this over.”

“99, I’m not going to waste good money on food.”

“We’ll have to charge it, Max. We’re all out of cash.”

“Oh . . . yes. All right.”

They went to the dining room, found a table, and ordered. While they were waiting for the food to be served, 99 reminded Max that he had a duty to the civilized world to resume the search for Number One.

“You’re absolutely right, 99.” Max replied. “And I’ll get to it just as soon as I hit that jackpot. First things first, you know. What good would it do to save the entire civilized world from the domination of KAOS and, meanwhile, miss out on a jackpot?” He leaned forward, lowering his voice. “I think I’ve got it, 99. My problem is, I need money—right? And when you need money, what do you do? You go where the money is—right? And where is the money these days?”

“Fort Knox, Max?”

“No, 99. Las Vegas.”

“Max . . . you’re in Las Vegas.”

“There you are—see what a brilliant plan it is? I haven’t even started yet, and already the plan is clicking like clockwork.”

“You haven’t told me the plan, Max.”

“Oh. Well, the plan is, 99, I’m going to hold up Las Vegas.”

“Maaax!”

“Sh!-sh!-sh! Do you want everybody in town to know, 99? This is supposed to be a surprise holdup!”

“Max, in the first place, for heaven’s sake, that’s against the law. And, in the second place—everybody? How could you possibly hold up everybody at once?”

“Yell ‘stick-’em-up’ very loudly.”

99 shook her head. “It wouldn’t work, Max.”

“99, you haven’t heard the whole plan. Before I yell ‘stick-’em-up’ very loudly, I’m going to inundate the town with a special hypnotizing vapor. Every person in town will be immobilized and under my spell. When I yell ‘stick-’em-up,’ believe me, they’ll stick-’em-up.”

“And then what, Max?”

“Then, 99, I’ll go from person to person, robbing each one as I move along. It’s a cinch. Anything is possible with careful planning.”

99 thought for a moment, then said, “Well, Max, much as I hate to admit it, it does sound like a perfect plan. But, Max, it’s wrong to rob people.”

“99, some things are bigger than the law. There is a higher duty, you know. Just because a law is on the books, that doesn’t guarantee that it’s right or just. I ask you, 99, in all fairness, is it right to stop a man from robbing people when he has a golden opportunity to hit a jackpot?”

“Well . . .”

“Don’t try to talk me out of it, 99. My mind is made up. Nothing can stop me.”

“All right, Max,” 99 said sadly. “It’s wrong, but . . . Well, I guess you don’t really realize what you’re doing. You have the fever so bad, you don’t know right from wrong anymore. I won’t try to stop you, Max.”

“Good, 99. Now . . . do you happen to know where I can get hold of some special hypnotizing vapor?”

99 stared at him, astounded, for a second, then shook her head.

“Darn!” Max scowled. “That’s the one weak link in the chain. I don’t know where—” He began looking around. “Do you see a telephone booth anywhere, 99?”

“No, Max. Who do you want to call?”

“I don’t want to call anybody. I want to look in the yellow pages. There must be a rent-a-special-hypnotizing-vapor agency in town.”

“Max, forget about robbing Las Vegas,” 99 begged. “Let me take you to a doctor. Maybe he can cure you.”

“Cure me! 99, that would be insane! I’m on a winning streak.”

“You’ve lost everything you have, Max.”

“Ridiculous. I still have what I need most—my lucky rabbit’s foot.”

“Well, I’m surprised you still have it.”

“It wouldn’t fit in the slot.”

“Max, let me—”

There was a ringing sound.

“What kind of a restaurant is this?” Max complained. “We haven’t had dinner yet, and already they’re sending around the Good Humor man with the dessert.”

“That’s your phone, Max.”

“Oh!” He looked down at his shoe. “You answer it, 99. It’s probably the Chief, and I’m not speaking to him.” He took off the shoe and handed it to 99. “If you can work it into the conversation,” he said, “you might tell him you’ve come into a large inheritance, but you can’t collect it until you get back East, and would he please send you the airfare—as a little loan, of course. Tell him you’ll pay him back the minute I hit that jackpot.”

99:
Yes, Chief . . . is that you?

Operator:
See what happens when you gamble, Max? It strains your voice. You sound like a woman.

Chief:
Operator, will you please stay off the line? This is an official call. When you listen in on the line, you are, in effect, bugging the Government.

Operator:
Tit for Tat, Chief. You think the Government don’t bug me?

Chief:
What I meant— Oh, nevermind. 99—are you still there? Where is Max?

99:
He’s here, Chief. But he refuses to speak to you. He’s upset because you refused to advance him more money. But you were right to do it, Chief. He has gambling fever. Every dollar he gets, he puts in a slot machine. I can’t stop him.

Chief:
I guessed that, 99, when I talked to him earlier. He kept telling me that lemons were coming out of his telephone.

Operator:
He may have been right, Chief. It’s the season for it you know.

Chief:
Lemons? On a telephone line?

Operator:
Chief, how do you think they get all those lemons which were grown on the West Coast, into all those stores on the East Coast?

Chief:
By train?

Operator:
Boy, are you living in the Middle Ages. They phone them.

Chief:
Operator, that’s preposterous. How can—(Deep sigh). Operator, please . . . just stay off the line.

99:
Chief, what am I going to do about Max?

Chief:
You’ll just have to leave him there, 99. I got a call just a few minutes ago from Hymie. As you know, he went to Fort Knox. When he—

99:
I know, Chief—he found Number One.

Chief:
As a matter of fact, 99, no, he didn’t. He—

99:
You mean—

Chief:
Yes. As it turned out, Max was right. Hymie—

Operator:
Hold it, Chief. You’ve got a bad connection. I thought I just heard you say that Max was right about something.

Chief:
I did! And stay off the line!

99:
Chief, hold it. We must have a bad connection. I just thought I heard the operator say she thought she heard you say that Max was right about something and you told her that you did say that—

Chief:
99, stop it! You’re getting more like Max every day. Now, just listen. Hymie looked all over Fort Knox and he found no trace of Number One. But when he put his ear to the ground, he did hear the clicking again. So, he followed the sound, and it led him to Las Vegas. He’s there now.

99
(looking around): I don’t see him, Chief.

Operator:
Look down. He probably still has his ear to the ground.

99:
No, I still—

Chief:
He isn’t at the hotel, 99. He’s at the Leg Up Dude Ranch just outside town. He thinks that’s where Number One is being kept prisoner. I want you to get out there as fast as you can. He’ll need help

99:
And Max, Chief?

Chief:
As I said—just leave him, 99. Once a man gets the gambling fever, he’s no good to anybody

Operator:
Wanta bet on that?

99:
All right, Chief . . . if that’s your decision. I’ll certainly miss him, though.

Chief:
Be brave, 99.

99 handed Max back his shoe. “It was the Chief,” she said.

“I gathered that, 99. What I don’t understand is why you suddenly turned against me.”

“Oh . . . you heard?”

“Of course I heard. I heard every word you said. And not once did I hear you mention your inheritance and ask the Chief for the borrow of airfare.”

“Oh . . . that. Well, Max . . .” She started to rise. “You know I wouldn’t do this if—”

“Where are you going, 99? We haven’t had dinner yet.”

“The Chief ordered me to rendezvous with Hymie, Max. He’s outside town at the Leg Up Dude Ranch.”

“Mmmmmm . . .” Max mused. “I wonder how much money he has with him.”

“No, Max—you can’t go,” 99 said. “The Chief doesn’t trust you. You’re sick, Max. And this is an important case. Hymie has traced Number One to that dude ranch.”

Max suddenly stiffened. His eyes began rolling in circles. His hair stood on end . . . then slowly drooped back into place.

“Max! What happened!”

“I just had a wonderful shock, 99,” Max replied. He jumped up. “Come on! Let’s get out there to that dude ranch!”

“But, Max . . . your gambling . . .”

“Gambling? I have no interest in gambling, 99. You can’t beat the system.”

99 grinned happily. “That was certainly some shock you had, Max. I wonder what caused it.”

“I haven’t the faintest idea, 99,” Max said, leading the way out. “It happened right after you told me that Hymie had traced Number One to Las Vegas.”

“And you know what that means, Max. It means that Hymie was wrong, and you were right.” She suddenly stopped. “Max . . . I wonder . . . could that shock have been caused by the fact that for once in your life you—”

“99, that’s ridiculous,” Max said, hustling her on. “I’m sure that, sometime in my life, I must have been right at least once before.”

“Like when?” 99 asked curiously.