Get Zombie: 8-Book Set (49 page)

“Don't go!” said the aardvark. “You can't go.
You're naked. It is folly!”

I showed it a shaking fist.

“Out of my way, pig-like creature, or else!”

I ran into the animal-wall, but they jumped on me, holding me down
for hours. I kicked and screamed the whole time, but it was no good.
Fatigued, I went to sleep.

When I woke up, it was not only nighttime, but I was standing in a
stream. Someone was watching me. I turned around and saw a woman –
standing there at the other end of the stream...a silhouette against
the giant moon.

Something important was about to happen.

PHIL

Carmen's house had burned down.
Nothing was left but a black skeletal frame. It looked fragile...like
I could walk over and touch it and the whole thing would fall over.
The only other peaceful place I could go to, and it was gone. Where
was Carmen? What happened here?
Where
was she?

I walked into the dead house. There was a picture of Carmen and I on
the wall, all clean and glittering in the moonlight. I walked up to
it and touched the window frame.

Carmen....I'm sorry,
I
thought.
I made a terrible mistake. What was I thinking? I
wasn't myself. I want you back. I'm sorry. I love you.

A sound behind me. I spun around. The man had stitches on his neck,
and he smelt like cigarettes. I stepped back as he came close. He had
his hands behind his back. One came out to shake my hand.

“You Phil?”

I kept my distance.

“Yeah.”

He smiled...groaned.

“I'm the butcher. Carl.”

“Carl,” I said. “Why does that name sound familiar?
I feel like we've met before. Long ago.”

“Sorry,” he said. “Never met you before in my
life.”

His stitches opened up and a white snake fell out from his throat. I
pointed.

“A white snake just fell out from your throat.”

“Sorry,” he said. “I have a cold.”

“What do you want with me? Are you here to take me to Hell?
Took you long enough. I was getting worried.”

“I'm here to tell you about Carmen.”

I ran up and took hold of his shoulders and shook him.

“DO YOU KNOW WHERE SHE WENT? DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO
HER???”

He didn't even try to push me away. This Carl guy just shook his head
and sighed.

“She just said she wanted to get away from it all. You broke
her heart,” he said. “She ran off because of you.”

I let him go and walked outside. I was in a daze.

This isn't my fault,
I kept
thinking.
I didn't know what I was doing. My emotions had
the best of me. I wasn't myself. At the time, it all felt so natural.
How was I to know? How???

I stared into the woods.

“
This is all Fran's fault,”
I said. “That woman...she turned me into some kind of monster.
I don't know how she did it. Maybe it was sorcery. It had to have
been
something
.
No one falls out of love like that. It's all too evil.”

Carl stood behind me.

“You're absolutely right,” he said. “Fran did have
you in a spell...if you wanna call it that.”

I turned around.

“
What are you talking about?
What
spell
?”

“She made you fall out of love with Carmen and IN love with
her.”

“How?”

“It was Lolligal,” Carl said. “He made it all
happen. Fran paid him to do it. His little operation – his
little business – worked perfectly for her.”

I saw a picture in my mind, of that damn priest with a butcher's
knife in his face. He had a dumb look on his face – kinda like
he was sayin', “Wow! Can you believe it!?” The picture
was very clear...and fulfilling. Carl seemed to have read my mind. He
was smiling.

“Feels good, doesn't it?” His other hand, that was behind
his back this whole time, came out, holding a butcher's knife.
“Here,” he said. “Take this. It'll help.”

I took it.

“I'm gonna kill her! I'm gonna kill them both and eat them
out!”

I ran around, waving the knife through the air as Carl laughed and
laughed.

“YES!” he said. “THAT'S IT! THAT'S THE SPIRIT! LET
YOUR ANGER CONSUME YOU!

His neck opened up wide and more of those snakes literally flew out
and attacked me – bit me. I chopped them all up – chased
after them. Carl clapped.

“
DON'T FORGET TO SLAUGHTER
LOLLIGAL! THAT FOOL DESERVES WHAT'S COMING TO HIM! HE CAN'T GET AWAY!
NO ONE GETS AWAY!
HA HA HA!
”

After all that lunacy, I stood there, breathless, looking around at
all those dead snakes – their bits wiggling and bouncing on the
grass. Reminded me of grasshoppers.

Mr. Carl was gone.

Nothing in his place but, oddly enough, a little fire. It was like he
just burned up...vanished into smoke.

I heard whispering all around me, buzzing all around me:

“
....The church....The church....”

FRAN

We made love eight times in his office. I was getting sore.

“I want to travel the world,” I told him as he kissed the
small of my back. “I want to see great things – eat great
foods – hear great songs – smell great scents.”

“I'll give you anything you want,” he said. “Just
promise you'll be mine forever.”

“Can you buy me a car?”

He walked to a giant picture of Jesus and moved it aside and revealed
a huge door. He opened it, and I saw all this money inside, all just
on the ground in a big pile. He reached in and got some bills.

“Buy whatever car you want,” he said, shoving the money
into my hands. He put a hundred dollar bill in my mouth and French
kissed me. I couldn't stop crying.

“I'm all yours!” I said.

My dreams were coming true. First stop.

Paris.

How long would
this
last? How long before I got bored of Lolligal? I had no idea. I was
just going along with all of it. Yes, of course I'd lose interest in
him after a year...or six months...or two months...or two weeks. So
what? Who cares??? I was only human. And as such, we need new things
all the time. It's all about experience. We hunger for it. It's not
healthy to eat the same foods all the time, wear the same clothes all
the time, have sex with the same person all the time. Like food, they
end up tasting stale.

I'd ride Lolligal for as long as he tasted good....

Then I'd dump him....

Find another flavor....

CARMEN

I made a chair out of twigs and leaves and sat on it. Just as I
thought, she rolled out from behind a tree. My Heart Self. She was
dressed in a red wedding dress. A nurse pushed her around on a
wheelchair. I was shocked.

“What happened to you?”

My Heart Self shook her head.

“I'm dying,” she said. “You're killing me.”

“
What??? How am I
killing
you???” I stood up and reached out to her, but she screamed and
flew her hands up to protect her face. The nurse stood between us and
crossed her arms. She was a big woman, this nurse. Russian. Manly.
She grunted a lot. I'd be a fool to challenge her, so I sat back
down. My Heart Self cried, blowing bloody snot into a red
handkerchief.

“The more you think about Phil, the more you kill me,”
she said. “STOP IT.”

“
I can't,” I said. “I'm
possessed. I'm cursed! Fran did something weird to me. I
can
not
stop thinking about
Phil. I'm even thinking about him now. I miss kissing him.”

My Heart Self went, “Aaaaaaarrrrrggghhh!” and waved her
hands around as if bees were attacking her head. “Aaaaagggghhhrrr!
Stop! Stop thinking about him!”

“Yes, right!” I said. “I'm sorry!” I shut my
eyes and made my mind silent.

My Heart Self exhaled. Blood now covered her face. Some ran down her
arms, trickled down her forehead. “I get these terrible
headaches,” she said, almost jokingly. The nurse gave her a few
pills and a glass of water. My Heart Self patted her hand.

“Thank you, Nurse Loofa,” she said, swallowing the pills.
My Heart Self gave me a stern look. “There's no curse on you,”
she said. “You're just weak. You have to control yourself. Beer
won't help. Baby Brains won't help. You have to master your thoughts.
Kick him out of your mind.”

“
I don't know if I can do
that,” I said. “I miss him too much.” And then I
looked out into those woods and
saw them
.
I saw Phil and Fran naked...kissing against a tree. I stood up and
pointed at them. “You fiends!”

My Heart Self screamed again.

Lightning ripped the clouds apart and a sword fell from the sky. The
nurse stood in front of the wheelchair, and the sword struck her
chest. My Heart Self screamed, and the nurse fell back into her arms.
The nurse tried to talk, but blood kept flying out.

“My job is...done.” The nurse rolled her eyes back white,
and she died. My Heart Self hugged her and cried all over the dead
body, rocking it back and forth. I looked around. Fran and Phil
vanished!

“I saw them,” I said. “I swear it....”

My Heart Self wasn't listening to me. She was saying something sweet
into her dying nurse's ear. I wanted to help – wanted to do
something and not just sit there. My Heart Self looked up.

“You evil bitch,” she whispered. “You weak, evil,
pathetic bitch....There's no one there. You're seeing things. You are
so gone. There's no going back for you; I see that now. I knew I
should've went into another body. I always had this gut feeling that
you were trouble.”

I wanted to say again that I really
did
see Fran and Phil, that I wasn't crazy, that I believed my own eyes.
They looked so
real
.
And then I heard Fran and Phil moaning....I turned around, and saw
them making love in a bed of flowers. They laughed at me. I picked up
a spear and threw it at them.

“I'll kill you!” I yelled. “I'll kill youuu!!!”

But they were gone again. Ran off somewhere. I started spinning
around and around. “You cowards! Show yourself!” When I
stopped, I fell on my knees and punched the dirt. I looked up. My
Heart Self and that nurse where gone. Only that wheelchair remained.
A heart sat on it in a pool of blood...centipedes crawling in and out
of that beating muscle. I walked around and turned as many sticks as
I could into spears. I said bye to my forest friends – the
deer, the mongooses, owls, wallabies, goats, cats, dogs, rats,
geckos, spiders, etc. It never occurred to me to make a grass dress,
or even grass undergarments. No need for clothing. I was an animal. I
was one of nature's pure beings. 100% animal. No more reasoning. I
was running on pure emotion. Pure revenge. Besides, I liked how it
felt when wet leaves brushed against my breasts and other sensitive
areas. Ah! The simple pleasures....

I started running.

Deep in the forest, I could smell
their
sex. I looked
through a bush. Phil and Fran were bumping into each other in a
stream. Agitated fish jumped in and out of the water. I ran up to
Phil and Fran and threw spears at them. They just laughed and ran
away. Even after I flew a spear straight through Fran's shoulder, she
giggled, “Tee-hee! Can't catch me! Can't catch me! Hahaha!”

I ran after them.

Lost.

It felt like I was on the move for hours. My feet hurt. I was
stepping on thorns, but I didn't let that slow me down. Nope; that
would've made sense. I was stupid with anger. I started mumbling,
“Why, God, why??? Please help me. What do I do now? How do I
find them?”

I got my miracle.

I heard a strange buzzing sound and turned around. One of the stars
in the sky got real bright. It moved around a bit, and then it flew
over the trees. I followed it all through the woods.

The UFO hovered over a clearing...and landed next to a car. Aliens,
carrying an old man, walked out and put him into a car.

“Carmen!”

I turned around and looked up.

Fran and Phil were making love in a tree. I climbed up real quick and
beat them with my spear – whipped them as they laughed, leaving
red bruises all over them. Fran jumped onto Phil's back. He cut a
vine and they swung away into the dark...trailing giggles.

FRAN

I believed that God was looking out for me. Look at the proof. He
gave me a rich man. Would I gain free access to Heaven, too? The
things I had done, I never thought God would approve. And yet, I saw
no evidence that he was angry with me anymore. Forgiveness! I was
doing something right. I wasn't sure what, but a part of me feared
messing up. How long would all this good fortune last?

I could hear the other nuns outside the office, their ears glued to
the door.

“I sometimes hear them making love,” one whispered. “So
sinful; so bad.”

They were all jealous.

I signed the rest of the papers I was working on, filed them, and
made a cup of coffee. Lolligal would be back in a little bit. I had a
plan: I'd make love to him and moan as loud as I could – really
embarrass those nuns, make them wish they were me...make them envy
me, fill my ego. Sad thing was, Lolligal's sex was already getting
dim. I had to spice things up a bit. I figured it would be a fine
idea to invite a nun to come play with us. Didn't matter if Lolligal
agreed or not. He did what I wanted. I was in charge, and I wanted a
new player. So that's what I did. I went outside and walked around
the church, looking for a nun that seemed “easy”. And I
found her sitting on a bench, under a mango tree, eating the messy
fruit like a slob.