Get Zombie: 8-Book Set (50 page)

As I walked toward her – my mind filling with crude images of
very bad things – a strong wind blew through my nun outfit.

I stopped.

I couldn't move.

Something in me resisted.

A terrible fear filled me up. I
backed away from that girl. She didn't even notice me, and that was
the idea. Whatever took hold of me didn't want me messing with the
girl – didn't want my aura near her, corrupting her
chastity
,
sullying her innocence, tainting her purity. I felt guilt then.
Terrible guilt. I cried in my hands and ran off into the church.
Three nuns hugged me, asking if I was alright, telling me to relax,
to stop weeping because I was disturbing people, trying to get me to
drink red wine and eat tiny circles of bread they claimed was made
from the flesh of Jesus. Someone screamed. I turned around and saw
Phil standing in the doorway, holding the head of a dead man in one
hand, a butcher's knife in the other. He threw the head at me; I
caught it for some reason and yelped and gave it to the nuns. The
screamed and ran off with it, throwing the head back and forth like a
football.

Phil kicked the man's body away. Everyone in the church scattered
like cockroaches. I stepped back.

“Stay away from me!” I wanted to run, but I kept thinking
if I turned around, he'd throw that knife at my back. Better I have
him in my sights. Keep him where I can see him. Keep my eyes open for
some kind of opening.

Phil's eyes look wild. Blood was all up in them.

“You damn snake,” he said. “Damn snakes!” He
started slapping at his body. “Get them off me! Damn snakes!
Uuuuuuh!”

He ran at me, waving his knife around. I bolted. The knife sliced
through my shoulder. I fell to the ground with Phil all over me, his
spit dripping all over my mouth.

A door exploded, and a nun walked out with a bazooka.

“Be gone from this holy place!” she demanded, and fired
another shot.

Phil and I rolled out of the way. The seats behind us blew up. It was
raining splinters. The nun walked through the smoke, searching. Phil
jumped up behind her and hacked her head off in five tries. I was
already out the door. He kept screaming, “DAMN SNAKES!!!
UUUUUH!”

The parking lot was a crazy mess. Everyone was screaming and trying
to drive away, crashing into each other. Little fires were
everywhere. Babies were yelling. I jumped into my car. A truck hit
me, honking over and over.

“Get out of my way!” the driver begged. “Please! I
don't want to die!”

Phil jumped on the hood of my car and cut through the windshield,
shattering it. I reversed, throwing him off. I hit another car, and
that Japanese woman at the wheel started shrieking at me. She ran out
of her car and opened my door and dragged me out by my hair and
started kicking me. I couldn't do anything but turn into a ball to
protect my face. Phil cut her head off, and she spun around as gore
shot out from her neck, panicky people bumping into her, shoving her
around like one of those balls on a Foosball table.

I got up and ran the hell out of there.

Phil was at my feet.

“You better run, you blasted snake!” he screamed. “I'll
kill you!”

I had finally done it. See? I was right. I knew it wouldn't last
forever.

Phil was shrieking.

“
Snakes! Snakes! Damn snakes!
You
giant
snake!”

I made for the woods.

Maybe I could lose him there.

Chased after by a madman, my life was messed up real good. No one to
blame but myself. I felt it all at once: It was almost over. It was
almost the end.

LOLLIGAL

That was going to be my last job.

The UFO landed. We walked out and took off our alien masks. Before
I'd run away with Fran, I wanted to give my fellow coworkers some
money. Brighten their day. Help them out. My way of saying bye. I got
us all in a circle and showed them a big bag of money – all
that we made that week. I gave Tony some bills, and he rejected them.

“
I can't!” he said.
“What if
they
find out? They'll crucify me!”

“They'll never know,” I said. “It's impossible.
See, I'm the one keeping the books. Trust me.” I shoved the
money into his hands. “You need this, Tony. For your
daughter...for her medical bills. Please, take this money as my
thanks for all the hard work you've done for me.”

He smiled, and took the money.

I gave Jess money to help with her gambling problems. I gave Sara
money to help with her breast surgery. I gave Zowi money to help her
build that surfing school for Japanese tourists she was always going
on about. Everyone cried in happiness, hugging their money, smelling
their money. We made a bonfire and danced around it, laughing and
telling jokes. It was a grand time. In the end, I shook their hands.

“Time for me to go,” I said. “Wish me well, folks.
Time to run away with my lady and live life to the fullest!”

They all cheered.

“Hip hip, hurray!” And they picked me up and tossed me
around while I giggled.

Headlights blinded us. The van arrived. A sense of fear –
uncertainty – hit all of us. The Gangster Pope was here to
collect.

The door slid open, and those beefy goons dressed as priests stepped
out. They wore shades even though it was nighttime, and stood around,
looking here and there. One of them reached into the van, took the
Gangster Pope by the hand, and helped him out. A breeze kicked up,
and the Gangster Pope shot his hand up and held down his tall, white
hat.

“Have you got His Majesty’s money?” he smiled.

“I do,” I said.

“Good! The Master shall be pleased. Have you ever met your
boss?”

“You never introduced.”

He mumbled something sly to his
buffoon
s; they all laughed. I
frowned. I wanted out of there.
Come on, old man. Hurry on
with it. Take your money and get!

The Pope looked at me – tilted his head, gave a weird, creepy
expression, like he was looking at a cute kitten.

“He's told me many things about you,” he said. “Been
talking a lot about you.”

“Me??? Why?”

“He takes interest in his employees every now and then. He
wanted me to tell you that he thinks you're special. Great things are
in your future.”

“Like what? A promotion?”

The Pope smiled.

“You could say that.”

“Tell him I say thanks, but I'm not interested. I'm done. I
quit.”

The Pope shook his head.

“You make me sad.”

I handed him the money bag. He opened it and stuck his head inside,
sniffing. He jumped back, as if something stink attacked him. His
goons ran up. “Boss! Boss!” they said. “What's
wrong?”

The Gangster Pope looked in the bag.

“Hmmm....” he went, raising an eyebrow.

I started to worry.

“I trust you'll find it's all there,” I said. “Now,
if you'll excuse us, we should be heading off to our families and
lovers.”

“Of course!” The Pope nodded and stepped to the side. “By
all means.”

My coworkers and I huddled together and walked past the Pope and his
bodyguard priests.

“Oh! And one last thing,” the Gangster Pope said.
“Quitters never win.”

I don't know what got into me, but I blurted out, “RUN!”
and everyone screamed and took off. The priests pulled out their guns
and started shooting at us, sending people twisting to the grass. It
all happened in slow motion. Tony got shot in the skull and his head
blew up. I didn't even know that was possible. A bullet tore through
my leg like a tiny sun and sent me flying through the air and hitting
the ground in a wrong way, cracking my spine. I tried crawling away,
but bodies kept falling in front of me.

Some of my coworkers made it back into the UFO and started it up,
hovering above me, making everything all windy. The Pope laughed out
loud and said, “Rocket launcher!” Except he said it like,
“Rowket lawn-cha!”

A nun in white walked out of the van, carrying a rocket launcher. She
had a cigar in her mouth. She grunted, put the launcher on her
shoulder, and fired a rocket. I think I screeched, “Noooooo!”
but I don't remember. The UFO exploded into a fireball and crashed
into the woods. Deer and owls and rabbits rushed out, screaming,
bewildered. It was raining money. The Pope and his goons walked
around, picking it all up, even searching my dead friends, taking
whatever was in their wallets and purses.

His goons got out axes and chopped up the bodies and threw the parts
in coolers. The Gangster Pope ordered them to hurry up before the
cops arrived. I was close enough to see the thugs write on the
coolers, “To: Hell....From: Devil Pope”. They fired
flaming arrows and burned down the church as that Gangster Pope
laughed and clapped his hands and cheered. He stood over me and
pulled out a gun that looked like a prop from some old western movie.

“No one steals from Satan and gets away with it.”

I didn't understand it.

“How did you find out???”

“We have our ways.”

A gust of wind blew his white hat away...revealing a set of horns.
They were curled. I shut my eyes.

“I didn't see that!”

The Pope grinned and cocked his gun.

“
Oh, I
know
.”

BAM!

….and then I died....

And it was painful at first, what
with being shot in the head and all...but then it got real quiet. I
was falling. Peaceful. Then darkness. I heard screaming. I smelt
various meats. Fires. Cooking. I saw bodies in giant pots –
arms waved around – more screaming sounds, shrieking. After a
little while, I thought,
This must be Hell. Why am I not
surprised?

I landed, gently, on blood, in front of a demon sitting at a desk. It
was covered with piles of papers...and blood. Coolers were all over
the place. The secretary looked up at me, angered.

“You're late!”

I shrugged.

“I'm sorry.”

The secretary threw me a rag.

“You have a hole in your head. Clean yourself up. You can't see
the boss looking like that. You must show respect!”

I said, “Sorry,” again and cleaned myself up. I stuck my
finger into that bullet hole in my forehead and pulled out a bit of
brain. I found it all very fascinating. The secretary took my hand
and walked me toward a giant, stone gate. A sign on it read, “BOSS”.
Blood dripped from the letters.

“
I can't believe it,” I
said. “It's real. It's all
real
.”

The secretary frowned at me.

“Are you stupid or sumtin'? 'Course it's all real. Don't you
read??? Idjiot. Next you'll be telling me Heaven isn't real.”

“It is???”

The secretary sighed.

“Not that it matters to you now – but yes,” the
demon said. She knocked on the giant gate, put her hands to her
mouth, and yelled out, “Boss! Lolligal is here to see you!”

Demons stood over the gate and played trumpets as the doors opened.
The secretary leaned close to me and said, “Here's a tip: Just
be honest with him. He hates liars.”

A bright light swallowed me up. I put my hands above my eyes.

It's all real,
I thought.
Heaven. God. Satan. All real.

I thought of my life...and sighed.

Now here it all comes.

The big swallow.

PHIL

What was happening? Did I realize I was yelling about snakes? That I
was killing people? I chased after Fran – all through those
woods – screaming at her, threatening her, pleading with her.
“Just stop running! Why drag this out any longer? I'm gonna
catch you soon enough! Save us both time and just give up!”

I stopped to catch my breath, hands on my knees. That was it. I lost.
She was gone. Now what? Go back? No...I had to find her. I had to
keep looking. I needed peace. She had to die.

“Where are you!” I yelled. “God, help me! Help me
kill this demonnnnn!”

Something exploded above me, lighting up the sky. I saw Fran –
standing there – right next to me, against a tree. She was
covered in mud, the whites of her eyes staring out at me.

The UFO crashed through the treetops, right toward us.

We ran here and there, ducking the
falling pieces of metal and fireballs. The UFO hit the ground,
shaking the planet, sending me flying off my feet. I kept thinking,
Fran, Fran, Fran, Fran. Getting away!

I almost stumbled into a burning bush. Screams for help. Two people
on fire ran out of the UFO, crashed right into the trees, setting
them ablaze. A rock hit me in the face. Fran jumped down from a tree
and bit me, ripping off a chunk of my neck. I tripped over some
animal and landed on my face, right in mud. Fran stood in front of
me, holding my butcher's knife above her head. Trees fell all around
her. She yelled through the raging fire.

“You
filthy bastard! Why didn't you just let me be??? Look what you've
done. Look what you've turned me into! Is this your idea of love???”

I
spat in her face. She kicked me in the chest.

“Useless!
”
she said, crying. “Look at you....Pathetic! You have no money,
no future – no
car
.
You're useless to me!”

She walked toward me as she spoke, still holding that blade in the
air with both hands. It was getting so noisy with flames, she was
literally screaming her words.

“YOU'RE USELESS TO ME!”

I crawled back.

A
sharp
whizzzzzz
sound
shot through the air.

Something blasted through Fran's chest. She dropped the knife and
looked down at the situation.

It was a spear.

She gripped it...and turned around.

Someone naked ran out of the woods.