Get Zombie: 8-Book Set (48 page)

“You've listened to me describe my wretchedness, Fran,”
he said. “Now tell me yours.”

“How about over dinner? Are priests allowed to go out on
dates?”

“Yes!” he said, voice cracking. “Just two Catholics
talking about normal things. We can go in a few minutes. Just let me
run to the back and put on my civilian clothes.”

He zoomed out from the booth and vanished into a room. Cats followed
him inside. I walked outside and lit a cigarette.

“I'm in love!” I said to the clouds.

Again?

“It's different this time.”

You always say that.

“I was confused before. Now, it's the real thing. I promise.”

I got the sense that someone was rolling their eyes at me.

We got into his golden car and drove into Waikiki. That car had
everything. When I wanted a drink, robot hands came out and poured me
a glass of expensive wine. When I said my neck was sore, robot hands
gave me a massage. My phone rang. It was Phil.

“Damn,” I said. “It's my ex. He won't leave me
alone.”

Lolligal smiled. “Not to worry,” he said, and pressed a
button. A robot hand took away my phone and aimed it at a robot mouth
sticking out from the dashboard. I could hear Phil begging.

“Please, baby. Please come home. I'm here waiting for you. I
had to break in to use the bathroom. I'm sorry. Please don't be mad.
When are you coming home? I made dinner. Bacon. Your favorite!”

The robot mouth spoke into the phone in a manly voice.

“Hello? This is the police. Do not call this phone every again.
If you betray these words, you will go to jail. Goodbye.”

The robot hung up the phone and handed it back to me. I was
impressed.

“Brilliant!” I said. “That'll teach him to be
heartbroken. Now I can have a relaxing night out with my new friend.”
I held his hand, and Lolligal smiled.

“Where do you wanna eat,” he asked.

“Raw Fish Heaven.”

“Excellent choice.”

When we walked into the restaurant, everyone looked in awe. I felt
like royalty. We had a great dinner. He kept buying expensive foods
and drinks for the whole place, and I laughed at all his lame jokes.
That was key, understand? Laughing at their jokes. They love that.
And of course, he looked dead in my eyes whenever I had an important
issue to discuss.

“
I suddenly got the urge to
kill
again,”
I said. “
And it
was like my brain gave out a great sigh of relief. I felt empowered –
in control. Great! Amazing! Wonderful! I was alive 100%. Time to get
serious. Time to get busy. Time to make a difference in the
world....Playing around with the idea, I wondered who I'd kill first.
Phil!”

Lolligal looked up from his meal.

“Ahhh, I remember him.”

“Phil. That idiot. What a waste of my time. What a mistake.
What an accident. Can you reverse the process?”

“No.”

“Well, how long until my love ghost in his heart dies?”

“Depends. Usually after three months, love ghosts tend to get
bored. They loosen their stranglehold.”

“I tried to force him to hate me.”

“Did it work?”

“I'm not sure,” I said. “I hope so.”

“So do I,” he said.

Lolligal look concerned.

Whatever. I'm sure he didn't give a damn. You know guys. I'm sure he
wanted to look at my breasts. I had to give him points for being so
in control. This guy was smart. We were two players – two
masters of the game. But one of us had to lose. Had to give in....

I didn't go home that night.

I slept over his place.

PHIL

I knew what I had to do. I had to
marry Fran. This was all just a test. She was testing me! Testing to
see if I really, really loved her.
Bravo. Well
played....You almost had me!
I
went to the bank and took out all my money and bought the biggest
diamond ring I could get my trembling hands on. She'd see the ring
and make love to me. I'd ask for her hand in marriage, and she'd be
mine forever. I'd own her. Wasn't that the point of marriage??? She
wouldn't be able to make love to anyone else. She'd be all mine!
Hahahah!

When I got home, I found all my stuff thrown out on the lawn.

Fran was there, but she was dressed like a nun for some reason. She
was tossing my psychology books into a fire. It was all very
confusing. Was this her way of saying she loved me? By burning my
stuff? Maybe this was another test??? I walked to her, got on my
knees, and showed her the ring.

I opened my mouth – and she snatched the ring out from my hands
and threw it into the fire.

“You stupid, devil!” she spat. “You think you can
just waltz back into my life with a fancy ring?! How rude! How
disrespectful!”

I wanted to say something important, but all I could manage was,
“I...I...I....”

She began pushing me – jabbing me in the chest with her finger,
inching me close to the fire.

“
Get out of here,” she
said. “I love someone new now. Don't you get it? My heart
belongs
to someone
else.”

A police officer walked out from the shadows and put his hand on her
shoulder. He meant business. Fran smiled.

“
Oh,
now
you get it,” she said. “That's
right
.
You better leave and not come back. I'm serious.”

She turned her nose up and spun around, crossing her arms. The cop
smiled at me.

“All right, buddy,” he said. “Time for you to go.”
He put his hands on my neck, and I lost my cool.

“Fran!” I begged. “What's happening?!” I made
a run toward her. The cop kicked me in the back and dragged me across
the ground, across the mud. Grass was in my mouth. “Fran! This
game has gone too far! Help me!”

She threw handfuls of mud at my face.

“Leave me alone! Leave me alone, devil! I'm a nun now! I'm a
daughter of God! I sing in a choir!”

The cop threw me in the middle of the street. A car almost hit me.
The cop reached into my pocket, took out the car keys, and kicked me
in the ribs. I wiped the mud from my eyes and saw Fran walk into the
house. The cop stood outside, scanning the grounds like a robot.

I started to think that this wasn't a test at all.

It was really over.

She was gone.

Now what?

I slept in a ditch that night.
Correction:
Tried
to sleep. Dammit. It was hard closing my eyes with all those cars
going by and throwing ice cream cones and banana peels on my body.
Not to mention I had a centipede crawling up my back.

My heart hurt. I was vomiting more
than usual, and with each retch, I could feel my
heart
tearing apart. I was seeing things! My puke moved....Like
snakes....They slithered around. I was filled with rage. I picked up
those snakes and tore them all up. What was happening? Terrible
dreams. Terrible dreams.

Wake up.
Wake up!

I stood and walked around some more and ended up in a cemetery. I
tripped and fell into an open grave. I tried climbing out, but mud is
hard to hold onto. I kept falling back in. After a long time of
struggling, I shrugged and just gave up and sat there in the
mud...thinking...wallowing in deep, disturbing thoughts. I needed to
go someplace safe. I had an idea.

In the morning, I went to church and saw Fran. The place was alive
with music. The place was filled with so many people. They all had
their hands in the air, merry folk all singing, all swaying left and
right. Fran was in the choir. She saw me and went, “NOOOO!”
and the band stopped dead – crashed to a halt. Someone dropped
their trumpet. A sudden vibe of hate and pity shot through the air.
Fran pointed at me and started crying. Everyone looked at me,
scowling at me, gritting their teeth at me. Lolligal hugged Fran,
kissed her on the cheek. He was crying.

“Be gone, devil!” he yelled at me.

That band started playing a scary
song: The Little Drummer Boy. A hand fell around the back of my neck.
It was the cop. He smiled and picked me up like a wrestler and threw
me outside. I rolled down that hill and broke a finger. They didn't
understand. I wasn't there for
her
.

I just wanted to go to church. I was just looking for love.

Real love. Like my hero Mary J. Blige.

LOLLIGAL

Fran walked into my office, dressed in her nun uniform, and she
looked beautiful. I offered her a job as my secretary. She frowned.

“
I don't think so. I have to
put in more hours at my job. I have bills to pay. This is my life
now.
Kill
me now.”

I held her hand.

“Work for me, and I'll double what you're making as a
vegetarian.”

“Veterinarian.”

“
Veterinarian
,” I
said. “Work for me. Be my secretary. We can be together all
day! Make sweet, tender love all night....” I said that last
part with a devilish grin.

She smiled, and it filled my heart with joy.

“
Let's make love right now,”
she demanded, pulling my hair back. “Let's do it right
now
,
lover.”

She pulled my hair back again and kissed me and rubbed me, called me
“lover” over and over, and I had no choice but to give in
to her lustful ways. We tongued in a mad way, and we held each other
and banged into the walls and into the cabinets and even fell on my
desk. Much glass shattered. Papers flew all around us. We were making
so much noise, but I just kept kissing Fran – kept my hands
traveling all under her nun costume. I loved hearing those sexy moans
in her throat.

“Be mine forever!” she demanded every ten seconds.

We rolled around on the floor.

I started thinking about my great escape.

No more Cutthroat Heroes. No more
aliens. No more church. No more
work
.
I wanted to run away with Fran. Somewhere peaceful. Maybe to Canada.
I wanted to spend every second with her...making love to her. The
Pope would never know. I'd just vanish. Poof! Gone....

As we made love, I couldn't help but notice a queer sight.

The walls were bleeding.

I blinked, and the vision vanished. I didn't tell Fran – not in
that hot moment of passion. I never wanted it to end. I held back as
long as I could, if you catch my meaning. Wasn't easy. Takes years of
practice, of meditating with monks in isolation on a temple high up
in the middle of nowhere. Sometimes, to master my mind, I had to
stand naked in a freezing lake. The monks begged me not to do it, but
I insisted. Other times, I made a monk, named Turtlebird, climb a
tree and drop burning bricks on my cloth-less groin while I was fully
erect. Ahh, to be young again.

I told my daughter all about Fran, how I was so in love with her, how
I wanted to run off with her to Canada, or possibly Uganda.

She approved.

“Just send more tuition money,” she said.

I wanted to believe she was smiling.

CHAPTER
THREE

NO MORE DEVIL BUSINESS

LOLLIGAL

At the end of the night, I took Fran over to my place and kissed her
from head to toe, licked her clean. Take me literally. After our
lovemaking, I told her I had to go back to the church, that I had
something important to do. Once there, I went to my office, to the
bathroom, and filled the tub with holy water. I jumped in, and the
water bubbled violently. I started screaming – I was on fire,
but I stayed in there.

I threw bibles into the tub with me, and it enraged the water
further.

After an hour of that wildness, I got out and stood in front of a
mirror. My body from the neck down was a solid black. I had slime all
over me – coming OUT of me.

Good,
I thought.
Let
it allll out. I am pure now. Praise be to Jesus! Finally PURE.

I went into my office and pressed a button on my desk. A bookcase
slid to the side, revealing a statue of Satan. I picked up an ax and
chopped off its extremities.

This was it.

No going back now.

Fran,
I thought.
I'm
doing this for you.

And then I cut Satan's head off...and chopped it in half at the face.
It exploded into locusts.

They flew all around me. I started to scream and bat them away.

“Leave me alone!” I begged. “Not real! I'm just
imagining things! NOT REAL!”

I opened my eyes.

Except for a slight pain in my chest and arm, everything was
relatively normal again. I chopped the statue's limbs to even smaller
pieces – almost to dust.

I got a broom and swept up the mess...and took a shower.

CARMEN

The woods were laughing at me. I ran
around and started hitting trees with rocks and sticks. “Shut
up!” I pleaded. “Stop
laughing
at meee!!!” I saw frustrating things: Apple trees turning into
baby brain trees – and I wanted to eat them, but whenever I put
them in my mouth, they turned back into apples. I felt like I was on
fire all the time. I ran around the forest and cursed the treetops. I
swung on vines and swam in rivers and punched beehives and caught
fish in my mouth. I was kicking trees until my legs bled, pulling out
weeds until my hands bled, and chasing stray cats until my lungs
imploded. I rode on the backs of stray dogs that complained all the
time, and I got into a fistfight with Sasquatch. He vanished into a
portal. Was he even real???

Excessive shaking; extreme sweating. My body was betraying me! Only
one thing could set me right – Babiroin.

“I can't take it anymore!”

I made to run back into the city in hopes of finding a drug dealer,
but my animal friends stopped me – stood right in front of me
and created a wall of forest creatures.