Getting Old is the Best Revenge

Getting Old Is

the Best Revenge

Rita Lakin

A D E L L B O O K

GETTING OLD IS THE BEST REVENGE A Dell Book / April 2006

Published by Bantam Dell
A Division of Random House, Inc.
New York, New York

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead,

events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

All rights reserved
Copyright (c) 2006 by Rita Lakin

Map and ornament illustrations by Laura Hartman Maestro

Book design by Karin Batten

Dell is a registered trademark of Random House, Inc., and the colophon is a trademark of Random House, Inc.

eISBN-13: 978-0-440-33590-0 eISBN-10: 0-440-33590-6

www.bantamdell.com

v1.0

This book belongs to Gavin and Howard, my sons, who have blessed me with their loyalty and their love

"Senior citizens. People say they don't know how to drive. You think it's so easy to maneuver a car on the sidewalk?"

--Jack Rothman, 78, Los Angeles, a new stand-up comic

"Comedy is tragedy plus time. These funny people have a lifetime of things to say."

--Judy Carter, teacher of stand-up comedy for seniors

"I'm very earthy and I sing earthy songs."

--Estelle Reiner, 91 (wife of Carl, mother of Rob), discussing her late-in-life cabaretcareer in an interview in T
ime
magazine, December 2005

Gladdy's Glossary

Yiddish (meaning Jewish) came into being between the ninth and twelfth centuries in Germany as an adaptation of German dialect to the special uses of Jewish religious life.

In the early twentieth century, Yiddish was spoken by eleven million Jews in Eastern Europe and the United States. Its use declined radically. However, lately there has been a renewed interest in embracing Yiddish once again as a connection to Jewish culture.

bubkes - nothing, worthless

fakackta - dirty

gevalt - cry of distress

kvell - glow with pride

kvetch - whine, complain

maven - know-it-all

mensch - a person of wealth and dignity

meshugas - craziness

meshugeneh - crazy

pupiks - navel, belly button; a term of teasing endearment

putz - penis

rugallah - pastry

schlemiel - a loser

schmaltz - grease or fat

shmuck - penis

shpilkes - on pins and needles

shtups - push, shove; vulgarism for sexual intercourse

tchotchkes - little nothings

vantz - bedbug; (slang) a nobody

yenta - busybody

Getting Old Is

the Best Revenge

1

Death by Double Bogey

M
argaret Dery Sampson, sixty-four, alwaysaid the seventeenth hole would be the death
of her, and she was right.

Let's not mince words. Margaret cheated at
golf. After all, being wealthy (inherited, not earned)
meant being entitled. It meant always getting what
she wanted. And what she wanted was to break
the women's record for the course. She had a feeling today would be the day.

Wrong.

She was with her usual perfectly coiffed and
outfitted foursome--rich women who played every
Friday at the exclusive West Palm Beach Waterside
Country Club. It was a beautiful, perfect Florida
day. The lawns glistened in the sunlight. The
weather was not too muggy. Margaret was playing
brilliantly. All was right in her world.

One of Margaret's techniques for enjoying the
game was to golf only with women who played less
skillfully than she did and were easily intimidated.

She knew her caddy saw through her, but she
didn't care. He was the caddy everyone wanted, so
she paid triple in order to get him at her convenience. He was worth it. The money bought his
loyalty. When things went wrong, she blamed him.

So here was the dreaded seventeenth hole and
all she needed was a bogey. Unfortunately, here too
was a troublesome serpentine water hazard. She
routinely selected her best balls for this hole, but
that never helped. Invariably she'd hook the ball
before it cleared the water, and it would land in the
trees. Today was no different. With angry, imperious strides, she marched into the foliage, leaving
behind her the timid catcalls of the gals. "Meggie's
done it again!"

As her caddy began to follow, she waved
him off.

Yes,
Margaret thought,
I'll get out of it!
No
way would she take a penalty.

To her dismay, she discovered her ball wedged
hopelessly in a clump of decaying turf. Without
hesitation, she kneeled to pick it up.

"Naughty, naughty," a strong baritone voice
chastised.

Startled, Margaret turned her head to find a
pair of snappy argyle socks at her eye level. She
stood slowly, preparing her defense. When she saw
who the other golfer was, her expression turned to
happy surprise.

"Well, look who's here. I didn't know you belonged to our club."

Abruptly, he grabbed her, pulling her against
him with one hand as he expertly shoved a hypodermic needle into a vein with the other. Moments
later, Margaret stopped struggling and sank down
onto the dark and mossy rough.

Her last, dying thought was that she should
have used the three iron instead of a wood.

One parting shot was irresistible to the killer.
"Sorry I ruined your day, Meggie, but you shouldn't
toy with a man's game."

2

I'm Still Here

N
ever Trust Anyone
Under
Seventy-five! We

Take Care of Our Own." That's the motto of our brand-spanking-new Gladdy Gold Detective Agency. Because, if I've learned anything from the traumatic last two months, it's that once you are "old" you become invisible.

It opened my eyes to the fact that senior citizens had no representatives in the crime department. They were sitting ducks. No one cared. Who could they turn to when in trouble? Who was old enough to understand their problems? Me. If not me, who? If not now, when? T
empus
was certainly
fugit
ing. I was their only hope.

It all began when I realized someone was murdering the elderly widows of Lanai Gardens, Phase Two, Oakland Park Boulevard, Fort Lauderdale. Right in my own backyard. I did go to the police, and although Detective Morgan Langford was young and adorable, he treated me like I was faded wallpaper. He didn't believe me. There was no motive. The women were all over seventy-five, so naturally they must have died of old age. Besides, who'd want to kill old ladies? he asked me. The general attitude? We're all on the checkout line anyway.

Well. I showed him with the help of the girls: my sister Evvie and my friends Ida, Sophie, and Bella. I use the term "girls" loosely. They're so old, they think they invented Medicare.

I proved there was a killer. And guess what? I identified the killer. And guess what else? Along with the somewhat decrepit senior residents of all six phases of our condo complex, we actually captured said killer.

It woke us up. No more sitting around waiting for the day we leave this mortal coil and go wherever it is we go from here. We're not dead yet and there's lots more living to do. That's why I started our detective agency. Boy, did it get the juices running again. We can't wait to get up in the morning and see what new adventure awaits us. Hey, we're the new "Old."

My experience for calling myself a P.I.? I read mysteries. I've read hundreds of them. With Carl Hiaasen and Edna Buchanan as my Florida gurus, how can I fail? Though, hopefully, I won't run into any of Carl's creepy alligators.

We made the headlines in the
Broward Jewish
Journal
and got on local TV, and now the phones won't stop ringing. If you missed us the first time around--well, I haven't got the strength right now to tell you the whole story. But if you happen to be in Fort Lauderdale, ask anybody to direct you to Lanai Gardens, and drop by for a Danish and a cup of coffee. I'll be glad to fill you in. That is, if I'm not napping.

By the by, I picked up a boyfriend along the way. The very sexy, very tall Jack Langford. Not bad for a gal who sees her eighties looming ahead. But oh, when the girls found out--what aggravation. . .

Well, enough gossip. So, say hello again to Gladdy Gold, now the oldest living private eye in Florida-- or anywhere else, for that matter.

3

Nothing Has Changed.

Everything Has Changed.

I
t's eight a.m. and my girls will be stirring. I walk outside my apartment and do my warm-ups. Evvie, perky and raring to go as usual, pops out of her apartment door across the courtyard, one floor down. I see her glance very quickly at my door and just as quickly avert her eyes, and I know what she's thinking. Is my new boyfriend, Jack Langford, in there? Falling in love has complicated my life. But not to worry, I will tell all. I won't leave out a single juicy detail.

I call out to her, "Morning, Ev. How goes?"

"Same old, same old," she calls back to me.

Thanks, Evvie, for not asking the question I know you're dying to ask.

Some sisters can look at one another and it's like staring in a mirror. Not the two of us. I've got Dad's looks, with straight brown (now gray), boring hair. I inherited his ways of thinking, too-- logical and conservative and bookish--and his temperament--easygoing.

Evvie takes after our dramatic, excitable, emotional mother, as do her fiery red curls. She was always addressed as "my pretty one." Thanks a lot, Mom. I was pretty, too. So just because you were always mad at Dad, you ignored me?

I traveled down here from New York because Evvie's husband, Joe, was leaving her and she needed my support. I never intended to stay, being a dyed-in-the-wool New Yorker. But I needed a change of pace. I'd allowed myself to wallow in the tragedy of my life much too long. I could not shake the horrific circumstances of my husband's death and I was sick of my own self-pity. Even my daughter, Emily, told me to go, though it was very hard leaving her and my grandchildren.

I was sure I'd miss New York, but I never looked back. Instead, I became a stuck-in-theswamp retiree, taking care of a bunch of gals in their second childhood who insist they need me. They drive me crazy sometimes, but I do love them.

Speaking of the gals, here comes Ida, sprinting down the walkway behind me. She has this way of shooting out of her apartment like a rocket, her tight, skinny body ramrod-straight, her stiff gray bun bobbing.

"Is
he
here?" she snaps in that snippy tone of hers. No subtlety with Ida. She has no problem staring at my door as if she has X-ray eyes.

I always ignore the question. But that doesn't stop the asking.

Next, Bella, our dear, oldest member, with her wispy silvery hair always elegantly coiffed, barely squeezes open her door to make sure Evvie is already on the landing, then tiptoes out. Taking little mincing steps, she walks behind Evvie. Bella's my only ally. But she joins the Jewish Greek chorus anyway. Smiling at me sweetly, she calls in her little, wavering voice, "Where
is
he, that darling
mensch
of yours?"

Sophie is always last. In the old days, preprivate-eye business, she had to be bandbox perfect before she'd let one exquisitely shod tootsie step out her door. Now she's so afraid of being left out of any new development, she's less careful. There might be only one eyebrow penciled in, or one cheek rouged. Her hair, this month's color, Wild Strawberry Blonde, is flying every which way. But she will make it to exercise on time.

With hands on hips, Sophie takes her turn to confront me. "So where's Jack? Did he sleep over last night?"

Sleep over? I feel like I'm fifteen again and all my teenage friends are jealous because I have a boyfriend and they don't. I met Jack at the grand opening of a new mystery bookstore while waiting to have my car fixed. I took one look at him and tried not to drool. Wow! Tall and elegant, waves of salt and pepper in his gray hair. Eyes that you could sink into and never come back. And he admitted he'd lusted after me years ago when he saw me at a New Year's Eve party in Lanai Gardens. Instant fireworks!

When I got home I was too chicken to tell the girls that some good-looking guy had picked me up. A man who lived in Phase Six! I knew how they'd
kvetch
and I didn't want to hear it. Now that they know, boy, have they been laying on the guilt trip. Not that I don't have enough guilt of my own.

Yet, how can I be mad at them? Their men are gone. Just about all the men around here are gone. We lost three more last year, and three more lonely widows joined the rest of us.

On the other hand, what am I supposed to do? For the first time in many years, I find myself feeling something for a man. And yet, I'm still torn. How can I love again, even now?

"Nice day," I say pointedly.

"Let's get the show on the road," says Evvie, trying to move us along.