Getting the Love You Want, 20th An. Ed. (35 page)
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Authors: Ph.D Harville Hendrix
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Living a Life of Dialogue
All real living is meeting.
—MARTIN BUBER
“Meeting” takes place in all of our relationships, the moment when we can turn toward the other and engage in genuine Dialogue. We invite you to “live a life of Dialogue” by visiting the Web site
www.HarvilleHendrix.com
.
www.HarvilleHendrix.com
.
• Discover writings, podcasts, and invitations to special events including live teleseminars with Harville Hendrix.
• Find updates on Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt’s workshop and lecture schedule.
• Participate in a community committed to bringing genuine dialogue to all walks of life.
• Explore Imago resources including workshops and educational programs for couples and singles, Certified Imago Therapists, professional training programs for qualified therapists and educators, and related products.
• Teach
Couplehood as a Spiritual Path,
a faith-based educational program for couples, based on the principles of
Getting the Love You Want.
Couplehood as a Spiritual Path,
a faith-based educational program for couples, based on the principles of
Getting the Love You Want.
The index that appeared in the print version of this title does not match the pages of your eBook. Please use the search function on your eReading device to search for terms of interest. For your reference, the terms that appear in the print index are listed below.
abandonment
absolutism
accusations
aesthetic sense
affairs
affection, asking for
agape
alcohol or drug problems
allies
anger
See also
criticism; negativity
anorexia
anxiety
appreciation statements
attachment, drive for
Attachment Stage
attacking
attraction
See also
romantic love; mate selection
“attuned” parent
autistic period
automatic alarm system
autonomy
availability
avoidance, eliminating
absolutism
accusations
aesthetic sense
affairs
affection, asking for
agape
alcohol or drug problems
allies
anger
See also
criticism; negativity
avoiding intimacy and
Behavior Change Request exercise for
childhood
Container Transaction exercise for
core scenes and eliminating fear of own harm of venting Imago Dialogue and introjection of parents managing, for safety mirroring and power struggle and
projected onto partner
repressed
Anne and Greg Martin, example ofBehavior Change Request exercise for
childhood
Container Transaction exercise for
core scenes and eliminating fear of own harm of venting Imago Dialogue and introjection of parents managing, for safety mirroring and power struggle and
projected onto partner
repressed
anorexia
anxiety
Behavior Change Request exercise and unconscious and
Reromanticizing exercise and
AphroditeReromanticizing exercise and
appreciation statements
attachment, drive for
Attachment Stage
attacking
attraction
See also
romantic love; mate selection
“attuned” parent
autistic period
automatic alarm system
autonomy
availability
avoidance, eliminating
Baba, Shirdi Sai
backsliding
bargaining stage
behavior, criticizing only, not character
behavioral change fear of pleasure and Fun List insight and Reromanticizing and Surprise List and
Behavioral Change Request Dialogue exercise (Exercise 14)
behavioral sciences
Behavior Change Therapy (BCT)
Bible
biological model
blame
body taboos
bonding
bored tone of voice
boundaries
brain. See also new brain; old brain
breakup of relationship
Buber, Martin
Buck, Pearl
backsliding
bargaining stage
behavior, criticizing only, not character
behavioral change fear of pleasure and Fun List insight and Reromanticizing and Surprise List and
Behavioral Change Request Dialogue exercise (Exercise 14)
defined directions for resistance to
behavioral contractsbehavioral sciences
Behavior Change Therapy (BCT)
Bible
biological model
blame
body taboos
bonding
bored tone of voice
boundaries
brain. See also new brain; old brain
breakup of relationship
Buber, Martin
Buck, Pearl
cardinal rules for
caring behaviors
Caring Days exercise
Carroll, Lewis
catastrophic thinking
cerebral cortex
change, need for.
See also
Behavioral Change Request Dialogue exercise
childhood and childhood wounds.
See also
healing; unmet needs
Childhood Wounds exercise (Exercise 2)
clingy or needy partner. See
also
fuser-isolator dynamic
cognitive therapy
cohabitation
commitment inability to make narrowing exits and
Commitment Decision exercise (Exercise 9)
communication
complaints.
See
criticism
complementary traits repression of
completion, search for
condemnation
condescension
confirmation
conflict
See also
power struggle
connection
core scene
Core Scene Revision exercise
cortisol
countercriticism
couples, as term
couples therapy
caring behaviors
Caring Days exercise
Carroll, Lewis
catastrophic thinking
cerebral cortex
change, need for.
See also
Behavioral Change Request Dialogue exercise
childhood and childhood wounds.
See also
healing; unmet needs
attraction and automatic behaviors and
Behavior Change Request and
body taboos and
denied emotions in
disowned self and
drive for attachment and
drive to repair damage of
emptiness left by
envisioning partner‘s
false self and
forbidden feelings and
fusers and isolators and
gifting and
Holding exercise and
imago match and
Imago Workup and
insight into, vs. behavior change
integration and healing and
lost self and
memories of, awakened by partner
old brain and
Parent-Child Dialogue and
repression and
ruptured connection in
talking about, with partner
wholeness in
unmet needs and
Childhood Frustrations exercise (Exercise 4)Behavior Change Request and
body taboos and
denied emotions in
disowned self and
drive for attachment and
drive to repair damage of
emptiness left by
envisioning partner‘s
false self and
forbidden feelings and
fusers and isolators and
gifting and
Holding exercise and
imago match and
Imago Workup and
insight into, vs. behavior change
integration and healing and
lost self and
memories of, awakened by partner
old brain and
Parent-Child Dialogue and
repression and
ruptured connection in
talking about, with partner
wholeness in
unmet needs and
Childhood Wounds exercise (Exercise 2)
clingy or needy partner. See
also
fuser-isolator dynamic
cognitive therapy
cohabitation
commitment inability to make narrowing exits and
permanent power struggle and required, for exercises required, for therapy wholeness and
Commitment AgreementCommitment Decision exercise (Exercise 9)
communication
eliminating roadblocks to
communioncomplaints.
See
criticism
complementary traits repression of
completion, search for
condemnation
condescension
confirmation
conflict
See also
power struggle
fear and Holding exercise and Imago Dialogue and imago matching and Reromanticizing and shifting attention away from as source of knowledge three major sources of
conjoint couples therapyconnection
creating
healing ruptured
hidden self and
managing anger and
conscious partnershiphealing ruptured
hidden self and
managing anger and
agape and
Behavior Change exercise and
difficulty of creating
examples of
exercises for
fear of change and
Imago Dialogue and
integration and
new brain-old brain and
power struggle and
sacred space and
ten characteristics of
ten-session timeline for
Container Transaction exerciseBehavior Change exercise and
difficulty of creating
examples of
exercises for
fear of change and
Imago Dialogue and
integration and
new brain-old brain and
power struggle and
sacred space and
ten characteristics of
ten-session timeline for
core scene
Core Scene Revision exercise
cortisol
countercriticism
couples, as term
couples therapy
finding professional help for
medical model not useful for
spirituality and
surface issues and traditional
criticismmedical model not useful for
spirituality and
surface issues and traditional
Behavior Change Request and
of behavior vs. character
chronic
disowned or hidden self and
eliminating negativity and
“I” language to express
mirroring and
new brain-old brain merger and
self-hatred and
as way of asking for love
“cry-or-criticize” response
of behavior vs. character
chronic
disowned or hidden self and
eliminating negativity and
“I” language to express
mirroring and
new brain-old brain merger and
self-hatred and
as way of asking for love
“cry-or-criticize” response
dark side, embracing
See also
disowned self; lost self
defensive response.
See also
resistance
denial
depression
depth psychology
derision
de Rougemont, Denis
despair stage
differentiation
discomfort
disconnection
disowned self
divorce
See also
invisible divorce
dopamine
Dostoyevsky, Fyodor
drugs and alcohol
dyadic structure
See also
disowned self; lost self
defensive response.
See also
resistance
denial
Behavior Change Request and
negativity and
projection and
as roadblock to communication
stage of power struggle
depressed parentnegativity and
projection and
as roadblock to communication
stage of power struggle
depression
depth psychology
derision
de Rougemont, Denis
despair stage
differentiation
discomfort
disconnection
disowned self
Behavior Change Request and
getting information about
projection and
distressgetting information about
projection and
divorce
See also
invisible divorce
dopamine
Dostoyevsky, Fyodor
drugs and alcohol
dyadic structure
Eden, Garden of
ego
ego-dystonic part of nature
emotional blocks
emotional distance or unavailability
See also
fuser-isolater dynamics; withdrawal
emotional expressiveness gender and
emotions forbidden sharing childhood talking about, vs. acting out
empathy
empathy step
endorphins
enemy, partner perceived as
enkephalins
epistemology
eros
Eros myth
evolutionary biology
exchange theory
exercises
externalization, defined
ego
ego-dystonic part of nature
emotional blocks
emotional distance or unavailability
See also
fuser-isolater dynamics; withdrawal
emotional expressiveness gender and
emotions forbidden sharing childhood talking about, vs. acting out
empathy
empathy step
endorphins
enemy, partner perceived as
enkephalins
epistemology
eros
Eros myth
evolutionary biology
exchange theory
exercises
Behavioral Change Request Dialogue (Exercise 14)
cardinal rules for
Caring Days
Childhood Frustrations (Exercise 4)
Childhood Wounds (Exercise 2)
Commitment Decision (Exercise 9)
Container Transaction
Core Scene Revision
discomfort during
doing
Full Container
Fun List (Exercise 12)
Holding (Exercise 15)
Imago Dialogue (Exercise 8)
Imago Workup (Exercise 3)
Mirroring
need for
Owning and Eliminating Your Negativity (Exercise 16)
Parent-Child Dialogue (Exercise 5)
Partner Profile (Exercise 6)
Positive Flooding (Exercise 13)
regression
Relationship Vision (Exercise 1)
Reromanticizing (Exercise 10)
Self-Integration (Exercise 17)
Stretching
Surprise List (Exercise 11)
ten-session timeline
time and commitment required by
Unfinished Business (Exercise 7), timeline for
Visualization of Love (Exercise 18)
exitscardinal rules for
Caring Days
Childhood Frustrations (Exercise 4)
Childhood Wounds (Exercise 2)
Commitment Decision (Exercise 9)
Container Transaction
Core Scene Revision
discomfort during
doing
Full Container
Fun List (Exercise 12)
Holding (Exercise 15)
Imago Dialogue (Exercise 8)
Imago Workup (Exercise 3)
Mirroring
need for
Owning and Eliminating Your Negativity (Exercise 16)
Parent-Child Dialogue (Exercise 5)
Partner Profile (Exercise 6)
Positive Flooding (Exercise 13)
regression
Relationship Vision (Exercise 1)
Reromanticizing (Exercise 10)
Self-Integration (Exercise 17)
Stretching
Surprise List (Exercise 11)
ten-session timeline
time and commitment required by
Unfinished Business (Exercise 7), timeline for
Visualization of Love (Exercise 18)
closing
Core Scene and
identifying
narrowing
noncatastrophic
expectationsCore Scene and
identifying
narrowing
noncatastrophic
externalization, defined
false self
father
fear
fight-or-flight response
fights
See also
core scenes
Franck, Cesar
Freud
friendship
frustration, chronic
See also
criticism
Full Container exercise
Fun List exercise (Exercise 12)
fuser-isolator dynamics
father
fear
of abandonment
avoiding intimacy and
of change
core scenes and
of death
of engulfment
identifying
of loss of self
of pleasure
of wish coming true
fetusavoiding intimacy and
of change
core scenes and
of death
of engulfment
identifying
of loss of self
of pleasure
of wish coming true
fight-or-flight response
fights
See also
core scenes
Franck, Cesar
Freud
friendship
frustration, chronic
See also
criticism
Full Container exercise
Fun List exercise (Exercise 12)
fuser-isolator dynamics
gender differences
gender role expectations
Gestalt psychology
gifting
global words
goal, shared
goodwill
graduated change principle
gratification, substitute
Great Sermons
guided imagery
gender role expectations
Gestalt psychology
gifting
global words
goal, shared
goodwill
graduated change principle
gratification, substitute
Great Sermons
guided imagery
Hawthorne, Nathaniel
healing
(Stuart)
hidden traits and needs
See also
disowned self; lost self; repression
Holding exercise (Exercise 15)
hormones
healing
Behavior Change Request and
chronic frustrations as avenues for
commitment and
empathy and
exercises and
friendship and
imago match and
integration and
mirroring and
Parent-Child Dialogue and
potential of relationship for
Reromanticizing exercise and
self-love and
transference and
two-way
Helping Couples Changechronic frustrations as avenues for
commitment and
empathy and
exercises and
friendship and
imago match and
integration and
mirroring and
Parent-Child Dialogue and
potential of relationship for
Reromanticizing exercise and
self-love and
transference and
two-way
(Stuart)
hidden traits and needs
See also
disowned self; lost self; repression
Holding exercise (Exercise 15)
hormones
idealization of mate
identification
“I” language
imago
Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT). See also conscious partnership; and specific exercises
imprints
inattention
individuation
information gathering
See also
knowledge
insanity
insight
integration
intentional interactions
Interpersonal Theory of Psychiatry, The
(Sullivan)
intimacy
invalidation
invasiveness
invisible divorce
irritability
isolation
See also
emotional distance; fuser-isolater dynamics; withdrawal
Israelites
I-Thou
(Buber)
“I-Thou” relationship
identification
“I” language
imago
constructing
defined
disowned self and
exercises and
Parent-Child Dialogue
romantic love and
Imago Dialogue exercise (Exercise 8)defined
disowned self and
exercises and
Parent-Child Dialogue
romantic love and
directions for
empathy step of
Imago Workup and
mirroring step of
sender responsibility and
tedious nature of
timeline for
validation step of
imago matchempathy step of
Imago Workup and
mirroring step of
sender responsibility and
tedious nature of
timeline for
validation step of
Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT). See also conscious partnership; and specific exercises
becoming conscious and
commitment and
contact information for
changed to eliminate venting of anger
creating sacred space and
creating zone of safety and
defining curriculum for
development of
examples of two relationships and
exercises and
increasing knowledge about self and partner and
ten-step process
Imago Workup exercise (Exercise 3)commitment and
contact information for
changed to eliminate venting of anger
creating sacred space and
creating zone of safety and
defining curriculum for
development of
examples of two relationships and
exercises and
increasing knowledge about self and partner and
ten-step process
imprints
inattention
individuation
information gathering
See also
knowledge
insanity
insight
integration
intentional interactions
Interpersonal Theory of Psychiatry, The
(Sullivan)
intimacy
avoiding
positive behavior and
zone of safety and
introjectionpositive behavior and
zone of safety and
invalidation
invasiveness
invisible divorce
irritability
isolation
See also
emotional distance; fuser-isolater dynamics; withdrawal
Israelites
I-Thou
(Buber)
“I-Thou” relationship
Jung, C. G.
Kierkegaard, Soren
knowledge of self and partner
knowledge of self and partner
hidden sources of
Imago Dialogue and
partner’s point of view and
Kollman, MayaImago Dialogue and
partner’s point of view and
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