God Hates You, Hate Him Back: Making Sense of The Bible (50 page)

Another of his main thrusts in this letter is that the founding followers of Christ need to modify their behaviors so as to be walking billboards or advertisements for the new religion so that others will be drawn to it like shining stars:

Paul finishes this letter with the promise that Jesus’ return to earth from heaven is near, which is always a great method for securing your fellowship:

Steven Weinberg

Written at around the same time as his letter to the church in Philippi whilst imprisoned in Rome, Paul writes this letter to the congregation of the church in Colossae, to express his concern that the followers there have incorporated pagan rituals into their worship of Jesus.

Paul expresses his concern that the congregation have been fooled by wise sounding men to observe and worship sun and moon gods and that this is all part of the Devil’s plan to lead them away from the ‘truth’ of God. Paul says of these pagan worship practices:

I believe Paul could have saved himself a dozen or more words by just writing what he intended to say, “Their gods are bullshit and ours is the one true religion. They are bad, we are good!”

Paul continues to express his frustration for not getting any tail, with his continued damnation of sexual immorality. He includes warnings against taking part in orgies, and other acts he deems depraved, even doggy-style. Ok, I just made that last part up, but one can see from this letter, amongst his others, whereby Christians attain their unhealthy guilt as a result of natural sexual urges. I find this passage interesting:

Paul admits here that sexual immorality, as determined by the Bible, is in our human nature. It’s natural! And if God made us, who are we to suppress the natural impulses that He instilled in us. This passage further diminishes the role of the Devil in creating evil. How can the Devil be held responsible for God’s design?

Paul advises that Christians should treat their slaves fairly because they too have their own ‘Master’ in heaven. How sweet! But he also has a word of advice for slaves, writing that they should obey their masters for everything and not just to win favor but because it is the right thing for a slave to do. Who said the Bible was anti-egalitarian?

Helen Keller

This book is a letter Paul writes to the church in Thessalonia. Like others, this letter encourages the fellowship there to maintain their faith and continue to practice the correct worship of Jesus.

The primary objective of this letter is to set the record straight as to what happens to Christians in the afterlife, as there appears to be a great level of confusion amongst the believers as to what happens to a Christian after death. It is evident that many believe that an afterlife would only be available to those who live long enough to see the second coming of Jesus.

Using a simple bullet point format to summarize Paul’s explanation for transportation to heaven, it is simply this:

Christ will descend from the heaven riding a cloud.

The dead, Christians only, will be arisen from their graves to meet Jesus in the sky.

Then those living will be judged prior to being given entry passes.

Sometimes, comedy just writes itself and with that in mind here is the passage to make any rational mind giggle like a pervert at a Benny Hill show:

With this 3-point plan, Paul reassures his fellowship that they need not concern themselves with grieving for their dead beloveds, as all believers in Christ, dead or alive, will be granted access to the heavenly show.

What I find alarming about the whole entry into heaven thing is the fact that this is not the story many believers are led to believe. Naturally, I can only speak anecdotally but it is my experience that a majority of Christians believe that the deceased are taken from their bodies to heaven at the point of death. In fact, at every funeral I have ever attended, the Priest has said words to the effect of, “We can all take comfort that Daisy is now in heaven with her husband Frank.” But this is an outright fallacy. There is no one in heaven today. Heaven is an empty house. No one goes to heaven until Jesus returns for a second time and since we are more than 1900 years beyond his promised return, then it seems the dead will remain in the dirt for a long time to come.

How terribly depressing for those who spend their lives in certitude and hope that there is something better beyond the ether. I am certainly not a believer but I just made myself depressed learning this.

Repeatedly, throughout the Gospels and Paul’s letters, we are told that Jesus’ return will come like a thief in the night. We will not know the exact date, but believers will recognize the ‘signs’. In Matthew 24:3 we read the story of Jesus sitting amongst his disciples on the Mount of Olives, who asked him, “What will be the sign of your coming and the end of the age?”

Jesus answered:

Cynically, this is the reason why the Christian Right in the United States are so willing to support a President to go to war, or are so unconcerned about environmental issues and global warming. If you strongly believe these texts then you welcome terrible events and is that not a wicked thing to wish for?

Thomas Hobbes

In Paul’s second letter to the congregation in Thessalonia, he warns of Satan’s trickery and that the devil will attempt to dupe Christians into believing that the second coming of Christ has already occurred by presenting a prophet that can perform all kinds of miracles, signs and wonders. And that those who are led by this forger will perish, but if you remain strong in defiance of Satan then you will be rewarded with even greater treasures in heaven.

The second coming of Jesus was so vitally important to the early founding fathers of the Church because it gave Christianity its own unique marketing brand over other religions at the time, namely an afterlife. As a matter of fact, the second coming is mentioned 318 times in the 260 chapters of the New Testament, thus you can see how important this promise was for Paul in his efforts to not only maintain membership numbers but also bring newbies into the fold.

Although, the wicked promise of violence and destruction is still sprayed venomously towards all non-Christians:

It seems part of Paul’s objective in this second letter to Thessalonia is to ensure his congregation don’t get too carried away in their excitement of anticipating Jesus’ promised second coming. He writes that they should continue to carry on their normal daily lives and therefore not to stand around staring at the sky all day in search of a descending cloud carrying the ghost of Jesus:

Thankfully, the church members got back to work because they would’ve eventually died of starvation waiting for the second coming, a long time ago.

Adolf Hitler, Mein Kampf, p. 65

The Book of Timothy is a letter written by Paul to his sidekick Timothy and reads like an Assistant Manager’s handbook, as it outlines for Timothy the rules for worship and the qualification standards for church leaders.

In regards to the instructions for worship, the stand out ordinance is:

There’s the saddle of the original sin again, as a sanction for treating women as second-class citizens. But women will be saved if they continue to lie on their backs and submit for whenever their husband’s urges require and only if they continue in faith. Further, the fairer of our species also have a
but
and an
if
in their contract of salvation, but not so for righteous man.

The qualifications for holding office within a church include:

Must be a male.

Must not be a drunk.

Must not be violent.

Must not be argumentative.

Must be married with at least one child.

Must be sincere.

Must have a clear conscience.

Unfortunately for hundreds of thousands, possibly millions, of children sexually abused by the church at one time or another, Paul unfortunately omitted:

Must not put your perverted grubby hands down a little boy’s shorts.

It is in the final few verses of Paul’s letter to Timothy, that he writes the famous:

Before leaving his final charge to his young protégé:

The above being the same warning that all cults use to keep their flock from going astray, that the thirst for knowledge outside of the sect or cult is dangerous, as the procurement of knowledge leads men to reason and away from irrational beliefs.

Butch Hancock

In his second letter to Timothy, Paul urges his young disciple to take the good fight to the non-believers, ‘onwards Christian soldiers,’ and not to shy away from those that ridicule their fellow brethren. Paul forewarns Timothy that there will be testing times ahead, all manipulated by Satan and that he must lead the church as an example of righteous lifestyle. One such example is to avoid falling for ‘weak-willed women’ who will tempt him with their unholy, lustful desires. He is to stay strong in the face of such human desires and preach the word of Jesus.