God Hates You, Hate Him Back: Making Sense of The Bible (54 page)

The dragon pursued the woman who fled into the desert, but she escaped once again.

John now witnesses a beast emerging from the depths of the sea, a monster with seven heads and ten horns. On each of its heads were tattooed blasphemous words against God. John describes the beast as resembling a leopard, with feet like a bear and a mouth like a lion. The big nasty red dragon handed his power and authority to the beast and the non-believing men that remained on earth began to worship this beast as their new God. Remember this entire story is what Christians believe is going to occur in the end days, just in case you forgot the relevance of this story. John’s acid trip didn’t stop with the creation of one beast. He now describes the emergence of a second ghoul, that climbs out of the earth. This monster had two horns like a lamb, notwithstanding the fact that lambs don’t have horns and it spoke like a dragon. I’ve never heard a dragon speak, so I am hardly in a position to doubt John on this testimony. The sea beast passed on his authority to this earth beast and then this second beast began to perform terrifying miracles in full view of all men. The beast then ordered them to set up monuments honoring him and then demanded that all men and women receive a mark on his or her right hand. Without this mark no one was permitted to buy or sell any goods or produce, but I’m guessing this stamp could get you into some really cool nightclubs. The mark tattooed onto their right hand was the number 666.

John’s celestial journey into the future then revealed the 144,000 men who had been saved and were now in heaven being led around by the Lamb. The ‘saved’ followed the Lamb everywhere, whilst harpists played their harps. I am not making any of this up by the way! The Lamb taught these blessed men songs that only the 144,000 would have the ability to learn because they did not defile themselves with women whilst they lived on earth. A further implication of women as dirty temptresses, and evidence there is no place in heaven for the fairer sex, according to the Bible. How did this passage go unread by those Nuns dressed like flying penguins that lead a life of miserable celibacy? Possibly, the reason why Mother Theresa expressed her crisis of faith via a letter to the Pope in her dying days?

May I ask what is the point of converting to Christianity now when all the seats are sold? Believers, evidently, are as equally doomed as us atheists, but at least we are having earthly hedonistic fun!

At this point, three angels began buzzing around in mid-air whilst clutching the holy gospel. The angels, in turn, spoke to the remaining men on earth. The first angel said in a loud voice,

John then heard a loud voice from heaven that yelled, “Go, pour out the seven bowls of God’s wrath on the earth”

The first angel poured out his first bowl and all men that carried the mark of the devil broke out in painful sores. The second angel poured out his cup of wrath into the sea, killing every living creature in the ocean. Not sure what the dolphins did to deserve this! The third angel poured his bowl into all the rivers of the earth, turning the waters into blood. The fourth’s was poured onto the sun, which made the sun more powerful and a million times hotter so that it scorched people with fire. The fifth angel poured his over the throne of the beast, plunging his kingdom into darkness. Those that worshipped the beast gnawed their tongues in agony, but still refused to repent. The sixth angel poured his bowl into the Euphrates River, causing it to dry up. Then finally, the seventh angel emptied the contents of his bowl into the air, which caused an earthquake like no other earthquake that had ever occurred before. The quake was of such strength that it is powerful enough to make entire islands disappear. When the earthquake finished, hailstones that weighed more than 100 pounds each fell onto earth causing surviving men to curse the name of God. Well, why wouldn’t you utter a little “you suck dick, God!” if you were being pelted by keg sized hailstones?

John was led away by one of the seven angels to see a woman in the desert who was on the back of a scarlet beast. The woman had tattooed to her forehead the wording:

John writes that the woman is visibly drunk on the blood of those who bore testimony to Jesus. The angel said to John:

The angel further explained that the ten horns on the beast’s head represent ten kings who intend to make war against the Lamb, but the angel warns:

Oh, that’s who the Lamb is, it is baby Jesus! Had me fooled for a moment, but I wondered why the 144,000 men were following the Lamb wherever it went. Which is the basis for the children’s nursery rhyme, “Mary had a little lamb and everywhere that Mary went the sheep were sure to go. The Lamb’s fleece was white as snow.” Ok, so a quick revision of Jesus: born to a virgin; walks on water; performs a few miracles; crucified; rises from the dead; and then morphs into a Lamb. That’s fairly straightforward then.

This is just a matter of hopeful payback against the Babylonians that conquered Israel 500 years earlier. But since Babylon no longer exists, and the end of days has yet been cast upon us, the Bible falls short once again in its relevancy with reality.

An angel appeared by John’s side and he showed him the destruction of Babylon, a city that had become home to evil doers and those that indulged in sexual immorality. The angel gave the Babylonians an ultimatum that they repent and accept Jesus or pretty soon another angel will hurl down a large boulder into the sea to wash Babylonia away. As promised Babylonia was no longer and a cry of “Hallelujah!” was heard throughout heaven.

As the rejoicing of the fall of Babylon reached a crescendo, heaven opened up and out jumped a white horse whose rider was named ‘Faithful and True’. The rider had a steely determination in his eyes with intent to perform justice by making war with the last of the remaining non-believers. The armies of heaven followed him, riding on white horses and dressed in fine linen. On the robe of the rider named Faithful and True, was the inscription:

Shit! I can’t keep up, now Jesus has morphed back from Lamb to general of heaven’s cavalry. Anyway, the army headed by Jesus, rode down to earth to slaughter all and in the process they captured the beast before throwing him into a lake of burning sulphur.

The angel says to John that Satan has been captured and bound into the Abyss for one thousand years, this course of action taken so that Satan could no longer deceive the world for the next millennia. But why not just kill Satan now that you have him as your POW? This is like a bad movie script where the bad guy is not given clemency or shown mercy but returns later to threaten the hero.

For those who stayed true to the cause, however and had not been stained with the tattoo of the Devil, they were risen into Heaven. John writes that, at the conclusion of Satan’s one thousand year incarceration, he will be released from his prison and will set forth to deceive all nations of all four corners of the earth, a reference to the fact that these first century wackos still believed the earth to be flat, to continue his recruitment of devil worshippers.

At the conclusion of one thousand years imprisonment Satan will be thrown into a lake of burning sulphur, which seems a difficult method for killing a guy that thrives in the boiling heat.

As John saw the death of Satan one thousand years into the future, Jesus appeared on a great white throne and, according to John, ‘earth and sky fled from his presence’, I am not sure what that means, but nevertheless Jesus opened what is called the ‘Book of Life’ - the equivalent of Santa Claus’ ‘Naughty & Nice’ list. This book listed all those dead and, alongside their names, a record of all the good and bad things they had done whilst alive. If your good deeds outweighed your bad deeds you were given entry into heaven, if the opposite be recorded then you were tossed into a lake of fire. Ouch!

Then Jesus turned to John and instructed him to write the following words:

Oh, the Christian myth of the caricature of a sweet loving forgiving Jesus. His command to throw all Hindus, Buddhists, Pagans, Muslims, Jews, Spiritualists, agnostics and atheists into a fiery lake of burning sulphur surely has to be at odds with the Mr. Nice persona that Christians are sold on?

The final words of Jesus and the final verse of the Bible reads:

Jesus says the Bible is true, I will leave it up to you to decide for yourself.

THE END

The intention of this book was never to attempt to disprove the existence of God, or gods, because that is a fool’s argument. It is no more possible for me to disprove the existence of Santa Claus, Apollo, Thor and Zeus than it is in nuking the claims for the God of Abraham. All gods maintain equal evidence to one another, that being none. Rather, the objective was to use the Bible as an indictment against itself by demonstrating that if the God of the Bible were true then, as Richard Dawkins asserts, he is a racist, misogynistic, capricious, malevolent, infanticidal, homophobic, envious, genocidal ethnic cleanser.

The annihilation of thirty-one different Middle Eastern civilizations at God’s demand in the Book of Joshua alone demonstrated his tribal blood lust. The holocaust of the Passover, with the murder of Egypt’s first born, proved his capacity and willingness to murder innocent children as a means to an end. His disdain for homosexuality, a natural occurring phenomenon in all walks of nature, articulated in Leviticus and via Paul’s divisiveness in Romans. The fact that women, in God’s eyes, are worth little more than an Ox or an Ass on a man’s balance sheet is a theme perpetuated throughout almost all sixty-six Biblical books. His petty, insecure and jealous ways are not only presented in black and white via the first four of the Ten Commandments, but also throughout Israel’s journey from slavery to statehood.

This is the God, according to Bible lore, who created mankind, then wiped out all of its inhabitants because they didn’t abide by his rules – rules that he had not yet provided; we estimated the death toll of his flood to be thirty-million men, women and children. This is the God who calls for the death and destruction of any society that practices religious freedom and tolerance, including your own children if required. A God who says that not only may you sell your daughter into slavery, but you may also bludgeon her brains out should she call you a ‘dithering old twat’, being a sign of parental disrespect. A God that thinks so lowly of women that he deems it better to give your daughters up to be gang-raped rather than male strangers that you met only five minutes earlier.