God Is Disappointed In You (29 page)

It’s a lot to ask of you, and it breaks my heart to ask it. But don’t be afraid of the trials which await you. Everyone suffers. The only difference is that evil men suffer from their punishment, while good men suffer from their persecution.
 

The final judgment is very near. I can hear the fire roaring. You must keep each other strong as you face the end together. Satan lurks behind you like a lion (sorry, poorly chosen analogy, I know), probing, pawing, trying to single out the weak before going in for the kill. You must stand together like a mighty herd, or he will pick you off, one by one.
 

I wish I had happier news. I love you all.
 

Until we meet again in this life or the next,

Peter

To my friends in the seven churches of Asia:

In my last letter, I got a little carried away and implied that the world was about to come to an end. I’m sorry if I misled you. Hopefully none of you made any major purchases.

Some of you may now feel a little silly for telling your friends and coworkers about the imminent end of the world. But you know what? Don’t worry about what non-believers think about you. People will always mock your faith. They’ll say things like, “Hey, Elijah, who’s going to win the chariot race today?” or, “Hey, is the world going to end today, or is it okay for me for me to plant artichokes?”
 

Don’t let them get to you. Nobody knows the exact day or hour, Jesus will come back and he does, he will come like a thief in the night. Or maybe a ninja. At any rate, nobody will see it coming. Not knowing when Jesus is coming back does not mean you get to relax and get sloppy.
In fact, it means the opposite: you need to live as if he could show up at any moment.
 

So remain vigilant. Especially now that the church seems to have become rotten with false prophets, eager to prey upon your disappointment. The sad thing is that a lot of these false prophets used to be good, upstanding Christians. But I guess they just couldn’t help but go back to their old sinful ways. They are like dogs returning to their vomit. A pig returning to her shit. Sorry, I’m getting carried away again.

Don’t get too chummy with these people. If God turned Sodom & Gomorrah into charcoal because of a few smooth boys, then imagine what he has in store for false prophets. You’ve all come so far, I’d hate to see someone trip you up this close to the finish line.

I love you, Asians! You are all my pitted cherries.

Peter

Hi all,

Okay, there seems to be a lot of confusion about just who Jesus was, or what he came to Earth to do, so let me set the record straight:

Jesus was an actual man. Flesh and blood. He wasn’t an angel, or some spirit dude, as has been suggested in some circles. Frankly, some of you have been getting a little too new-agey for my liking. If somebody tells you that Jesus was a ghost, a mermaid, or that he lives inside a pinecone, or anything weird like that, there are some easy ways to tell if this person is on the level.
 

First and foremost, a real disciple of Christ will embody the teachings of Christ. If someone preaches the Resurrected Christ during the day and hits the whorehouse at night, they have no credibility. A lot of fun, but no credibility. Also, don’t believe anybody who says that you don’t have to follow Christ in order to get into Heaven. That’s just pure donkey balls. And, whatever you do, don’t believe anyone who says Jesus wasn’t a real flesh and blood man! I don’t know why, but this really boils me up. 

In the end, the best way to tell if someone was truly sent by Christ is if they love people. Loving people was like Christ’s number one thing. So if someone acts hatefully towards people, then he clearly has no idea what Christ was all about.
 

John

To God’s Special Lady (You Know Who
 
You
 
Are!):

Okay, I know you’re a church and not a woman, but I’ve already made the metaphor so now I’m going to run with it. Woman, I’m so glad to see that your children are growing up true and strong. They’re really great kids, obeying God’s commandments and all that. Nice! Quite a loving brood, too. And the most important of Christ’s teachings, of course, is that we love one another. 

As I mentioned in my last letter, there are a lot of false prophets out there. Gnostics, hippies, and God-knows-what-else. You’re such a great lady, I’d hate to see your faith derailed by one of these heretics. If somebody tells you that you don’t need Christ to get into Heaven, don’t believe them. They are a false prophet. And if someone claims that Christ wasn’t a real human being, but some sort of spirit/ghost, then he’s probably a false prophet, too. Who knows? Maybe even the Antichrist. In any case, don’t let him in the house.
 

I have so much more to say to you, but I’m running low on paper and ink, so the rest will have to wait until I see you face to face, which I hope will be soon.

Love,

John

Dear Gaius,

I hope this letter finds you well. I just wanted to say that I’m really impressed by how you’ve been welcoming traveling Christians into your home, some of whom don’t even speak your language. They may not understand your words, but nothing says “Welcome!” quite like a hot meal and a good foot scrub.
 

It’s always good when Christians can put aside their differences to help each other. The less we have to rely on pagans for help, the better. When a non-believer takes you in, they may start out feeding you dinner or making your bed, but it’s just a matter of time before they want you to join in their blood dances, or chicken worship, or whatever. Besides, what does it say about us when heathens are nicer to Christians than we are?

Speaking of which, what’s the deal with Diotrephes? Why is he being such a dick? He won’t even let me come speak at his church. Is he afraid I’ll upstage him? I’ll bet that’s it, isn’t it? He’s a total hater. He’s all holier-than-thou in church but then he doesn’t let traveling Christians stay in his house. What’s more, he doesn’t even let his parishioners take them in. I mean, not lending a hand is one thing, but how much of a prick do you have to be to keep others from helping out?
 

Anyway, I’ve got a lot more to say, but as usual, I don’t have much paper and ink to spare, so I’d better keep it short. Hopefully, I’ll see you soon.

Friends in Faith Forever,

John

To:
 
All Bishops and Regional Managers, Church of Jesus Christ, Eastern Mediterranean Division
From:
 
Jude, Brother of James
Re:
 
Quality Control
 

Gentlemen: 

First of all, let me congratulate you all on another successful year. The Church continues to grow, due in no small part to your dedication. However, I would like to take this opportunity to caution you against cutting corners simply for the sake of posting higher membership numbers.

It has come to my attention that some of your churches are practically filled to the rafters with perverts and troublemakers. These people will only give you a bad reputation, lead your parishioners astray, and ruin your love feasts.

I’ve heard about some people joining the church so they can stop in for a quick absolution after a long day of idolatry and ass-play. Others seem to think that the church is some sort of creative writing workshop where they can come up with whatever crazy doctrine they want to and have it treated like holy scripture. These false prophets are just more proof that the end of the world is at hand.

Do not tolerate such people. Just because they’re Christians doesn’t mean God likes them. Remember, God rescued the Jews from Egypt only to knock a few of them off later, and if God doesn’t want someone around, you shouldn’t either.
 

This is not to say that you shouldn’t try to bring new members into the fold. Growth is good. Getting asses in the seats is what the church is all about. But let the message be what draws the people in. Don’t lose the coop trying to catch a chicken.
 

In closing, I’d like to thank you all for your continued hard work. Here’s to another great year.

P.S. While I’ve got you, I’ve been working on a new song. I’ve only written a few verses, but I think it’s really good! It starts out like this:

Majesty and power,

Through Jesus Christ!

Staying pure forever…

That’s all I’ve got so far. When I’m finished, I’ll send it off so you can sing it in church.

To
the seven churches
of Asia:

The good news is that your persecution won’t last much longer. The bad news is that’s because you’ll all be dead soon. That’s right, the end of the world we’ve all been waiting for is finally here! I was sitting here in my cave, minding my own business, serving time under cave-arrest, when an angel of the Lord appeared and gave me the following revelation:

There’s this giant book in Heaven with seven chapters and each chapter is sealed shut. When the seals are broken and the book is opened, all hell will break loose, much the same as if it were a sixteen-year-old’s diary. The first four seals will release the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Conquest, War, Famine, and Death. That last horseman, Death, is a real son of a bitch, so steer clear of him if you can. By the time he’s done, one-quarter of the human race will be dead. Cities will be destroyed. Practically everyone will be living outside and digging through trash. Dogs will be largely unaffected by the Apocalypse.

Then Christ will open the rest of the seals, none of which are very nice. When the fifth seal is cracked, all the Christians who were killed for their faith will come back to life. They’ll barely have their faces back before they start begging God to avenge their deaths. God will cave in to the peer pressure, and when the sixth seal is opened, he will unleash horrible earthquakes, blacken the sun, and turn the moon blood red. Millions of people will die. Things will get so rough that people will hide in caves and beg the mountains to fall on them.