Growing and Kissing (21 page)

The worst part was that, however much I raged about it, however much I hated him for it, I knew he was right. He’d given voice to exactly what I’d been worrying about. I’d been thinking all this time that we shouldn’t get involved, that giving into it would be the worst thing possible, connecting Kayley and me to a world we should stay the hell away from. I’d known this...but it was Sean who’d called a stop to things. He’d reduced me to such an aching hot mess that I would have gone ahead and had sex with him...and loved it. He was the criminal and I was the mom and yet
he
was the responsible one.

Well done, Louise. Well freaking done.

And what now? My stomach lurched.
What if he doesn’t come back?
I had no idea how to go about selling the crop, or how to protect it as harvest time grew near and it became more and more valuable. By letting things get out of control, I might have just jeopardized the whole plan. I might have just thrown away Kayley’s only hope.

I braced my hands on the edge of a table and leaned over it, shoulders silently heaving as I wept. I could hear my tears falling onto the leaves of the plants like rain.

Idiot! You freaking idiot!

And then there was the least important thing of all: my own shattered pride. I knew he’d done the right thing, but that didn’t stop the rejection hurting. It wasn’t just the physical side...when we’d been planting the rose I’d thought I was actually getting close to him. And that just made me feel even more stupid, for letting those sorts of feelings creep up on me when we were so obviously, completely wrong for each other.

I knew things would change, now. The next morning, I found out how much.

Louise

The next day when I arrived at the grow house, Sean was waiting for me, leaning against a table with his arms crossed. I knew immediately that we weren’t going to talk about what had happened the day before.

“I’ve fitted the filters,” he told me. “You can’t smell the weed from the outside, anymore.” Then he nodded towards the corner and I saw the mattress. “I’m going to start sleeping here,” he told me. “Every day, the crop’s worth more. Someone could just roll a truck up and take the whole thing. And at night, this place is completely unprotected.”

I looked around. When he put it like that, it
did
feel very vulnerable. But this was about more than just that. “So you’ll be here at night...but not during the day?”

He nodded. “You’re here in the day. And if someone tries to break in, they’ll do it under cover of dark.”

I stared at him. I nearly said,
But I’ll never see you.
But that was the whole point. He was separating us.

I kicked at the mattress. “Doesn’t look very comfortable.” I could hear the bitterness in my voice.

I could feel his eyes on me. “I’ll be okay.” Then his voice softened. “It’s simpler, this way.”

My guts twisted. I wanted to scream at him that I didn’t want it to be
simple.
I wanted the way he made me feel, when he touched me, when he whispered in my ear in that granite-and-silver accent. Even with all the complications they caused, those moments we’d had were better than...
this!

Then I looked up and saw his eyes. The pain I saw there made my chest ache...and underneath that, the burning throw-me-down-on-the-table-and-fuck-me lust, stronger than ever. Every muscle in his body was coiled, a panther ready to spring. He was only just holding himself back.

Being around me was tearing him apart. He was just trying to do the right thing, what he thought he needed to do, to protect the crop
and
me.

I closed my eyes. “Fine,” I said. And stalked out to my car, not looking back. I told myself that he was right, that it was better this way. That getting the money and saving Kayley was the only important thing and to hell with my feelings.

I didn’t know that the new arrangement would put me in more danger than ever before.

July/August

Louise

Two months flashed past. Between mornings at my job, afternoons at the grow house and checking in on Kayley at the apartment, things became a blur. I was a machine, existing only to feed and water the plants, my sister, and, when I remembered, myself. I stopped caring about dates and measured time in
things
: three more bags of fertilizer until I had to go to the store, two of coffee, one of Kayley’s favorite instant oatmeal. I was trying to treat her in any little way I could because the inexorable slide Dr. Huxler had warned me about had started. Each day, she looked a littler paler, a little weaker.

I was so focused on the changes in Kayley, I didn’t realize how big the plants had gotten until I saw Sean one day, right at the end of August. I’d only run into him a few times since the new arrangement began: normally, he’d be gone when I arrived at the grow house each day and he’d show up to sleep there after I left. One afternoon, I stopped by in the late afternoon to drop off some supplies and found him standing there in the middle of the room, gazing around in awe.

Immediately, it was like someone had thrown a switch in my body. My chest went light, my head clouded and that slow, dark twisting began in my groin. The feelings hadn’t shrunk for being ignored; they’d grown stronger than ever. He was facing away from me and I marveled at the movement of that sculpted back as he breathed.

A floorboard squeaked and he spun around. I saw the shock in his eyes...and then the way it changed to raw, almost uncontrollable heat. There were two tables between us and, for a moment, I thought he was about to smash them out of the way to get to me.

Then his eyes flicked to the side. I could see the tension in his forearms and shoulders, every vein standing out. “You’ve done good,” he muttered.

I could barely speak. “Thanks.”

His eyes returned to me, searing into me. “They look great.”

I felt myself flush, feeling his gaze stroke down my neck and then down, down, down. “So do you,” I blurted. Then, as I realized what I’d said, “You’re early.”

“You’re late.”

“I got stuck in traffic.” I dumped the bag of fertilizer I was carrying on the floor. “What’s your excuse?”

That seemed to snap him out of his reverie. “I’m not staying,” he said. “I just stopped by to check on the place. I can’t be here tonight.” He headed for the door.

“What? Wait!” I reached out and grabbed his arm as he passed.

He slowed to a stop as my arm drew tight. It was such a ridiculous sight, like a battleship being pulled up by a rowboat. He looked down at my pale hand on his bronzed forearm as if I had all the power in the world.

We were standing so close, his trapped forearm was a hair’s breadth from touching my breasts. I could feel the heat from his body throbbing into mine. But something was wrong—his face was drawn and tight with worry. “Why can’t you be here tonight?” I asked. “You’re here every night.”

He wouldn’t meet my eyes.
Another secret,
I thought.
“I just can’t. Something I have to do.”

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah,” he muttered, in a way that meant
no.
“But I’ve got to go.” He looked down at my hand on his arm. I slid it off him and he started forward.

“Well...okay, I’ll sleep here,” I said. “I can get Stacey to crash at my place with Kayley.”

Immediately, he whipped around. “What? No! I’m not having you here by yourself!”

“What about the house?”

He sighed. “It’ll be fine. It’s just one night.”

I frowned. This wasn’t like him. What the hell was so important that he’d put the grow house second? And that could stress him out so much? “Then why do
you
have to be here every night?”

He shook his head and I could hear the frustration in his voice. “Louise…”

“What if tonight’s the one night we get robbed?”

He suddenly grabbed my forearms and shoved me up against the wall, so hard the air was knocked from me. “Fuckin’ hell, Louise:
no,
okay?
No.
Just be told. What if someone
did
break in? What would you do?”

I just gaped at him. My feet were off the floor. His anger would have been terrifying...if I hadn’t been able to see how worried he was about me.

He gently let me down and released me. “It’s too dangerous,” he said in a softer tone. “Okay?”

I swallowed and nodded. “Okay.”

“Go home. Promise me.”

I nodded.

“Louise!”

“I promise!”

He turned to go. Then stopped in the doorway as if about to say something.
Tell me! Tell me what’s going on,
I screamed in my mind.

“I’ll see you around,” he muttered. And left.

Fuck.
My mind was spinning. Something was obviously up with him, but what? He’d closed me out again.

I turned in a slow circle, looking at the plants. The longer I stood there, the less I wanted to leave them there undefended. What if someone
did
break in? If we lost them all now, there was no time to start a new crop—we needed the money for Kayley’s treatment in a month.

But I’d promised Sean.

I stood there debating for a full half hour before I finally called Stacey and asked if she could come over to my place and be there for Kayley.

“Sure,” she said. “Is it a date?”

“No!” As if I’d leave my sister to run off and sleep over at some guy’s place! “No, nothing like that. Just a...work emergency.”

“At
night?
You work in a garden store!
”

I closed my eyes and gripped the phone so hard in my fist the casing creaked. “Stacey...I’m sorry. I can’t get into it right now. Will you just watch Kayley for me?”

“Yeah,” she said in a hurt tone. “Of course.”

I thanked her and ended the call.
Dammit!
I was keeping things from her just like Sean was keeping stuff from me. She deserved better.

I went out to grab takeout.
It won’t be so bad,
I thought. There was a mattress and some blankets and a bathroom. I spent half my life in the grow house anyway: what was one night? And the chances of anyone breaking in on that particular night were tiny. Right?

I sat at a red light, tapping my fingers on the wheel. Sean’s words came back to me. What would I do, if someone did break in?

When the light went green, I turned away from the takeout place and towards a Wal Mart. First, I bought some kitchen knives and then, after trawling through the sporting goods section, I found an aluminum baseball bat. Then I finally grabbed the takeout and headed back.

Stupid,
I thought, as I sat cross-legged on the mattress with the knives spread out in front of me.  
I’m being stupid. Nothing’s going to happen.
I made a mental note to hide everything the next morning, so that Sean didn’t see it. He’d go berserk if he knew what I’d done.