Growing Up Brady: I Was a Teenage Greg, Special Collector's Edition (47 page)

Even with the foam "caps," that thing made me shudder.

EPISODE 74: "THE TIKI CAVES"

Here, the Bradys borrow the plot of their Grand Canyon adventure and transplant it to the tropical climes of Hawaii.

First, the boys make a trek through the Hawaiian rain forests in
search of the sacred ancient burial cave where they can put the evil
tiki to rest once and for all. Miraculously, they find it, but once they're
inside, it's Grand Canyon all over again. Let us count the parallels.

Zaccariah, the psychotic prospector, is gone, but he's been
replaced by Professor Whitehead, the psychotic archaeologistplayed with a kitschy zeal by legendary big-screen scary guy Vincent
Price.

Zaccariah irrationally believed that the Bradys were out to jump
his gold claim; Professor Whitehead irrationally believes that the
Brady boys are out to steal the credit for his important archaeological discovery, the burial cave.

Zaccariah imprisoned the Bradys by locking them in the ghost
town jail; Professor Whitehead imprisons the Brady boys by tying
them to giant-economy-sized tikis.

Mike caught up with Zaccariah, gave him one of his surefire lectures, and convinced him that the Bradys were his friends; Mike
catches up with Professor Whitehead, lectures him, and convinces
him that the Bradys are his friends.

Zaccariah apologized for his evil doings and let the Bradys go.
So does the professor.

In fact, Mike's thorough talking-to shames Professor Whitehead
so badly that he decides to simply donate his find to the Honolulu
Museum.

In the end, the evil tiki's put to bed, the Bradys bad-luck streak
is over, and the grateful Honolulu Museum tosses them a swinging
Brady beach bash, wherein everybody blows the ceremonial conch
shell and (in a thinly disguised reprise of their Grand Canyon
"Indian dance" scene) shakes their grass to the strains of a hula.

WRITER: Tam Spiva

DIRECTOR: Jack Arnold

EPISODE 75: "TODAY (AM A FRESHMAN"

People seem to remember the subplot of this particular
episode more vividly than they do the main story. Nobody, it
seems, paid much attention to Marcia's anxiety over finally taking
that giant step out of childhood and into high school. They forget how she begs Greg (Big Brady on Campus) to introduce her
around, and how she tries to make friends by joining every single
club in school. There's scuba (watch for Maureen in that wet-
suit-ooof!), ceramics, yoga, even karate. But most important to
Marcia is her pending acceptance into the snootiest of all highschool cliques/clubs, the Boosters. They fancy themselves as the
grand high exalted creme de la creme of upper-educational
babes.

What people do remember is the episode's goofy little subplot,
wherein Peter builds a volcano. It's an insignificant little story line,
which was written at the last minute and sprang from that television writer's treasure trove ... complete and total desperation.

This episode of "The Brady Bunch" was getting dangerously
close to its first day of shooting with no one having written a
decent subplot. The clock was ticking, and tensions were rising.
With his state of mind somewhere in between manic and panic,
Lloyd Schwartz pounded his fist on the writers' table and said, "If
we don't nail this thing soon, I swear I'm going to explode!"

And that was it. When Lloyd yelled the word "explode," he
remembered building a model volcano in high school, and our
subplot was born. As an added bonus, he came up with a way to
have his volcano subplot affect the episode's main story line (that's
the elusive ultimate goal for most sitcom writers).

Anyway, those Booster snobs come over to Marcia's house in
order to make sure they approve of her life-style. Marcia's doing
her best to kiss up, but when Pete's volcano goes kablooey, spray ing gray mucky "lava" all over the gals, they go nuts. Marcia laughs
and realizes what a bunch of geeks the Boosters really are.

WRITERS: William Raynor and Myles Wilder

DIRECTOR: Hal Cooper

• By the way, if you want to know how to make that highly
volatile Peter Brady volcano, its easy. Just get yourself three prop
guys, some explosives, a special-effects man, and a pyrotechnician.
Pay them obscene sums of money, and from there it's a piece of
cake.

EPISODE 76: "CYRANO DE BRADY"

I like this episode a lot, because it marked one of the few times
that Peter and Greg were allowed to appear really close on-camera.

The story was simple, but fun. Peter gets a major crush on Jan's
pal Kerry but has no idea how to break the ice with her. Greg, being
the quintessential early-seventies suburban babe-magnet comes to
the rescue, and it isn't long before Peter's outside Kerry's window
with Greg hiding in a shrub, feeding him sure-fire pick-up lines.

Things go awry when Kerry gets the message-but falls for
Greg!

WRITER: Skip Webster

DIRECTOR: Hal Cooper

EPISODE 7?: "FRIGHT NIGHT"

The episode where the Bradys are scary ... on purpose!

The boys pull spooky pranks on the girls (like having a slideprojected "ghost" terrorize them in the night), the girls seek
revenge (their cellophane-wrap monster scares the P J.'s off Peter),
and things keep escalating until Alice smashes Mr. Brady's head to
bits with a Louisville Slugger.

The head in question here is not la cabeza del senor Brady
but the hideous ceramic bust Carol's sculpted of her man. It has
just come home after winning third place at an exhibition when
Alice, spooked by an extra-scary Brady-kid prank, takes bat in
hand and cracks the skull of that lurking ceramic figure in the living room.

WRITER: Brad Radnitz

DIRECTOR: Jerry London

• Watch for the bedroom scene, wherein you'll find Carol in a
poofy pink nightie and Mike in his ultimate mod sleepwear, Nehru
pajamas. Who said the Bradys weren't hip?

-Also look closely at the bust of Mike: it looks exactly like
show-biz enigma John Davidson.

EPISODE 78: "CAREER FEVER"

Greg's gotta write an English paper about what he wants to be
when he grows up. Problem is, he has no idea what that might be.
So Greg does what all young American students do in situations
like this: he lies, and comes up with a fabrication about wanting to
be an architect, just like good of Dad.

Mike gets wind of Greg's career decision, believes it, and it isn't
long before he's guiding Greg toward a lifetime in architecture.
Miserable, but not wanting to hurt Mike's feelings, Greg hatches a
plan. He tells Mike that he wants to design a house all by himself,
and then proceeds to sketch out the most hideous home imaginable, complete with moat and drawbridge.

Mike takes one look at the drawing and realizes that Greg's no
architect, right? Wrong. Like most dads, Mike's blind to the failings
of his son, decides that Greg's disaster was based solely on the fact
that he needs better drafting utensils, and remedies that situation
by supplying Greg with an expensive set of professional tools.

Greg realizes that he's trapped and tells the truth? Sure. He simply takes his tools, sits down, and creates a house even more horrendous than the first. Mike finally gets the message, Greg finally
tells the truth, and all is once again joyous in Bradyland.

WRITERS: Burt and Adele Styler

DIRECTOR: Jerry London

• This is the episode wherein the Bradys' normally bizarre
wardrobe went absolutely berserk! From Jan's shocking-pink velour
bell-bottom hip-huggers to Peter's daShiki, we're out of control.

EPISODE 79: "LAW AND DISORDER"

Bobby becomes a safety monitor at school and is quickly transformed into a power-mad, swollen-headed rules freak whose activities are so by-the book that no one can stand him anymore. At
school he's reporting his friends for chewing gum, and he even
rats on Cindy when she commits the major indiscretion of running
in the halls.

That's not all. The overzealous youth brings his new attitude home
and starts finking on his brothers and sisters over things like missed
chores and curfews. In short, he's turned into a real little dork.

But then the troubled Brady learns a lesson. In this case, Bobby
is forced to ignore a "condemned" sign in order to save a class mate's kitten from an abandoned house, ruining his good suit in
the process. Bobby sneaks home and tries to secretly launder his
suit, but succeeds only in burying the laundry room under five feet
of suds. Finally, after a thorough mopping and a thorough speech
from Mike, Bobby learns that "rules are made to be broken."

And then it's time to launch the S.S. Brady, a rowboat salvaged
and restored by those ever resourceful (and "ever in search of a
subplot) Bradys.

WRITER: Elroy Schwartz

DIRECTOR: Hal Cooper

EPISODE 80: "JAN, THE ONLY CHILD"

The Bradys are going to yet another corny/goofy/unbelievable
party (this time the whole brood is busily prepping for a square
dance), and Jan is going mental again. This time, she's not only
sick of being the middle Brady kid, she wants to be the only Brady
kid. Jan wants her siblings dead!

At the same time, Alice and Carol are competing to see who
makes the best preserves. (Why? I don't know.)

Anyway, the rest of the Brady kids make Jan's wish come true
by ignoring her completely, and it isn't long before Jan learns
about the downside of being an only child and gets her overalls
ready for some foot-stomping and promenading.

WRITERS: Al Schwartz and Ralph Goodman

DIRECTOR: Roger Duchowney

EPISODE 81: "THE SHOW MUST GO ON??"

Mike and Carol both get conned into performing with a kid at
the annual Westdale High Family Frolics. Carol and Marcia perform
... you know, from Gypsy), and Mike is asked
a duet ("Together"
to read a sensitive poem ... Oh, no!!!

Anyway, rather than appear square, Greg and Mike sabotage the
poem, adding visual gags, bad puns, and a rubber chicken ... it's
real hip.

WRITER: Harry Winkler

DIRECTOR: Jack Donahue

-In what may be the grossest event ever to occur in the Brady
house, Alice spends a good minute-and-a-half sublimating her sexual tensions by ... squashing flies on the orange Brady counter.
Her swatter takes out a good half-dozen before the carnage is over.
Yuck. Maybe she needed more days off.

• Watch this episode and look for the nerdy bald-headed, little man with the accordion. He's Frank DeVol, and he wrote the
"Brady Bunch" theme music. You may also recognize him from
his more familiar-and much funnier-role as "Fernwood 2-
Night"'s one-nostriled bandleader, Happy Kyne.

• This is Maureen McCormick's favorite episode. She says, "I had
a really great time rehearsing, singing, dancing, and doing the song
with Florence. I wish we could have done one every episode."

EPISODE 82: "YOU CAN'T WIN 'EM ALL"

As another beautiful day dawns on the Brady house, we get the
good news that both of the littlest Bradys have become semifinalists who might just appear on a real-live TV game show. All they
have to do is pass a simple eligibility test. Cindy's thrilled and starts
boning up for the big quiz. Bobby, on the other hand, is relaxed,
and cockily assured that he'll become a contestant without any
trouble whatsoever.

The test comes and goes, with Cindy acing the quiz and Bobby
learning a lesson about overconfidence. He's depressed, but worse
is that Cindy believes she's about to become a TV superstar!

The snotty little Brady spends hours fixing her curls and trying
on outfits ... only to fail miserably when the cameras start to roll.
She chokes, with stage fright leaving her speechless, answerless,
and ultimately prizeless.

She returns home expecting the other kids to make fun of her,
but unlike kids in the real world, we Bradys are extremely compassionate. Even Bobby goes out of his way to help pick up Cindy's
spirits, telling her that she was really a winner and that be, having
failed his eligibility test, was the real loser.

What a weird moral.

WRITER: Lois Hire

DIRECTOR: Jack Donahue

'Nepotism Alen! Game-show host Monty Marshall is played by
an actor named Edward Knight, who just happens to be Chris
Knight's father.

EPISODE 83: "GOODBYE, ALICE, HELLO"

A series of miscommunications have us Brady kids convinced
that our pal Alice is really a squealing, tattletale-ing fink. We start
ignoring her, and before long she's whimpering and packing her
bags. Her replacement arrives, and while she's a very nice woman,
she has absolutely no personality. Soon the kids realize what a
mistake they made in squeezing Alice out the back door.

So it's off to Alice's new job (she made up a story about taking
care of a sick aunt, but her replacement spilled the truth about
where she really was). She's waitressing in a diner, and in no time
(after refusing to let the kids order chocolate-pimples, ya know)
she's convinced to come back home. "I've got my old job back!"
she gleefully cries. "And I'm never gonna leave it again!" (She
wants to be a maid forever?)

WRITER: Milt Rosen

DIRECTOR: George "Buddy" Tyne

EPISODE 84: "LOVE AND THE OLDER MAN"

Marcia at the height of her babe-itude gets the hots for a dentist! He's Dr. Stanley Vogel, and he's flattered, but unlike most
red/hot-blooded American males of the 1970s, he's only interested
in her teeth.

The whole thing gets under way when that goofy Jan reads an
article in a teen magazine that says much older men make perfect
boyfriends for teenage girls (must have been Playboy). That makes
sense to Marcia, who gets her hormones all in a knot, and goes
wild for Dr. Vogel. He, on the other hand, somehow manages to
stay completely oblivious to Marcia's shameless man-chasing.

So oblivious, in fact, that he calls Marcia and asks if she's free
Friday night (because his kid needs a baby-sitter). This being a television sitcom, Marcia completely misunderstands and begins to
imagine herself as "Mrs. Marcia Dentist," an ultrasatisfied, ultrahap-
py doctor's wife.