Had To Be You (19 page)

“So, tell me. Why don’t you seem more excited about this?”

“I am excited,” she replied rather unconvincingly. “It’s just…”

“What?” he gently prompted her, concerned this sudden evasiveness might be due to the fact her father once again said or did something to hurt her.

As it turned out, he was wrong—about a lot of things.

“It’s a Manhattan-based firm,” she said finally. “I would probably have to move. To New York.”

That slow rise inside his chest instantly deflated, a bubble burst.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

He chose his next words very carefully. “Is that, um—is that something you think you might want to do?”

She looked away from his searching gaze. “I don’t know.”

He dropped his head with a quiet exhalation of breath, but there was no recrimination or accusation in his tone. “I think you do, Rory.”

This time she didn’t reply. That awful silence stretched between them, like a wall going up.

“Look, you know I want you to be happy,” he said finally, ignoring the painful tightening in his chest. “I want you to go out there and do it all. That’s what I’ve always wanted for you. But I’m not going to lie. After last night, I know what I want is still you. That hasn’t changed for me, Rory. And so, if you have a decision to make, I guess I need you to know where I stand.”

“Matt, last night was incredible,” she rushed to reply, shaky emotions trembling through her voice, “but it was just one night and—”

“No,” he cut her off with a quiet certainty. “It wasn’t. You know it wasn’t.”

Rory only gazed at him in the broken silence, starlight swimming in her eyes.

“We can always excuse it away like that, I know,” he continued. “That it was just that one night, just that weekend, just that summer…but we’ve had an awful lot of those, several years of those, and there comes a time you kind of have to look at the whole of what it is. Of what we are.”

He held her gaze, refused to let her look away.

“I’m not going to stand in your way. I never have and I never will. You know that, Rory. But I need to know. What am I to you?”

“You’re Matt…you’re the person I come home to,” she answered as honestly as she could, and one wet tear slipped past her long lashes. “You are home, in a way.”

He lifted a hand to stroke her cheek, sweeping it away with the pad of his thumb as he smiled sadly. He knew then her decision had already been made.

“Matt, if I learned one thing in college, it’s that no one is guaranteed a job upon graduating. It’s really tough out there, and if I don’t take this opportunity, this chance, if I don’t at least try, then I might not ever—”

“I know,” he said, stopping her there.

All this time, he’d kept imagining she was on her way home, and never considered the possibly she might be moving even farther away.

Later, dropping her off at her mom’s house, he only pressed a kiss to her forehead. He hadn’t really envisioned the evening ending like this.

He never let himself see the end at all.

She walked inside, the screen door swinging shut behind her. And just like that, summer slipped right through his fingers, the future ever further out of reach.

TWELVE

Carefully shifting positions, he glanced over at Amanda, her legs draped over his lap as she napped next to him on the couch.

They were finalizing the honeymoon plans tonight and she’d arrived with an armload of pamphlets for the all-inclusive island resort. She’d also brought a batch of homemade cookies she’d baked for him the night before, while he was at work.

Despite what her uptown appearance might lead some to believe, Amanda was actually content to be a homebody. Matt, therefore, didn’t have to feel so bad that his weekends, and traditional date nights, were usually tied up at the bar. There were a lot of things about them that seemed to work. So much seemed to fall right into place, even though he’d held back at first. Initially resistant to the idea of a relationship, he hadn’t really put himself out there. But gradually she’d won him over. He gave up the fight, as it were.

What they had was good. It was easy. And what could make a guy feel better about being with a beautiful, sweet and intelligent girl than knowing she loved him enough to agree to spend the rest of her life with him? That kind of commitment certainly wasn’t something Matt took lightly.

Working in the bar business, he spent a lot of nights talking with a lot of people. He heard, and overheard, his share of life stories, some more depressing than others, and had plenty of glimpses into what went on in other guys’ lives. Some who would come in after work and sit there until midnight, just so they wouldn’t have to go home to face their waiting wives. Others would conveniently forget there was someone waiting at all.

He’d come to the conclusion that most were unsatisfied because, for whatever reason, they were incapable of being happy with what they had. Matt decided he wasn’t going to be one of them.

Carefully, so as not to disturb her, he dug the crumpled piece of paper from his pocket. It was Luke’s scribbled note, the one he found on his desk yesterday informing him that Rory had stopped by to see him. Matt only gazed at it a long moment, grazing the pad of his thumb over the letters in her name.

Danny had invited them over tonight for a barbeque, but he declined, using the excuse he was tired, the frenzy of all the wedding-related activities and events and social obligations descending upon them. He could admit, however, that wasn’t necessarily the complete truth.

Matt was still shaken a bit, thrown by his feelings of confusion and hesitancy. While he wouldn’t go so far as to call them serious doubts, he supposed he was due for a bout of cold feet at some point. It was fleeting, temporary. He was over it.

He could also admit that it was no small coincidence as to the timing of that moment. He knew the source, and knew the best thing for everyone involved was for him to address the problem and correct it.

So, he had been avoiding Rory, avoiding everything she once represented, everything she once meant to him. That’s the real reason he turned down his brother’s invitation tonight. Matt was drawn to her. He always had been. And, if he didn’t do anything to stop it, and stop it now, he probably always would be.

Going over to the beach house, knowing the chances were pretty good he was going to find her there—going hoping to find her there—had been a grave error in judgment on his part. No good could come of that. Not at this point in his life.

Perhaps due to his lack of sleep this week, he lost focus and got mixed up and turned around in that fog and started looking back instead of looking ahead.

Matt could still worry about her, still care about her, but couldn’t confuse those feelings with something else. Granted, whenever he saw Rory, there were always about a million different feelings to sort out. And lately it was as if someone had placed them all into a blender and hit the puree button, ripping him up to leave him reeling.

He’d realized a while ago, however, that he was never going to find a future for himself if he didn’t let go of his past. He wanted a future, and he wanted to be happy. Any chance for a real relationship with Rory was over.

That ship had sailed. Just like the Titanic.

Amanda stirred, stretching her arms above her head as she let out a soft, sleepy murmur. Matt quickly shoved the note back in his pocket. Blinking her eyes open, she smiled at him.

“I guess I fell asleep.”

“I guess you did.”

She shifted positions, sitting upright to snuggle in close and nuzzle his neck. “Ugh. Is it really that late? I have to go. My mother has a whole day of beauty scheduled for us tomorrow, and she likes to get an early start.”

She moved to climb off his lap and stand from the couch, but Matt paused as he followed after her. It suddenly felt like something was missing, something just out of his reach.

“Hey, wait.” He tugged gently on her hand to halt her at the door.

Amanda turned to give him a quizzical smile.

“What?”

He hesitated, his gaze drifting over her, trying to find it again.

“I love you.”

Her smile warmed her green eyes, even if she still held onto a bit of a puzzled expression.

“I love you, too.”

That was all he ever needed to hear.

***

“Rory? We’re taking off now!” Lindsay suddenly poked her head in the back door. “Talk to you tomorrow!”

“Okay. Goodnight, guys.” Her smile of farewell gradually faded as she watched them descend the deck stairs to disappear into the darkness of the driveway. As she returned to rinsing off the dishes, she glanced out the bay window to watch Kevin on the back deck with Joshua. Both were rather sickeningly adorable together, caught up in the beginning stages of their new relationship. Rory knew Kevin’s assorted doubts and fears, and was aware of how reluctant he always was to put himself out there. Yet out there he was, and it seemed to be going in his favor.

She supposed if one doesn’t take the chance or make that leap, there’s another risk to face—the risk of ending up alone. It was the side effect no one told her about, the fine print she didn’t read.

Why had it always been so difficult for her, with Matt? Rory was aware that nostalgia could be a dangerously seductive thing. Imbued with the feelings and memories that a first true love leaves behind, maybe she was just craving that intensity and poignancy, the melting sensation in her stomach, the fluttering around her heart, the sweet passion unmatched, but was unable to handle the day-to-day reality of an adult commitment. Not that she had ever given her relationship with him the chance to really reach that place.

Almost a week had already come and gone, now one week closer to his wedding day, and Rory was no closer to telling him the truth about her visit and how she really felt. Having already blown her opportunity that morning he stopped by, before the uncanny timing of Amanda’s phone call, she next tried for a casual drop-in at the bar. Of course, it
had
to be his day off. She started in the direction of his apartment, but only circled the block twice before retreating.

Why did she have to hesitate when she had the perfect chance alone with him? Fear had never been her friend. Why was she still wasting time with it?

He was supposed to be here tonight for this barbeque. All day she’d waited for the hour of his arrival with a mixture of breathless anticipation and sickening dread. She didn’t know what to feel when Danny finally told her he wouldn’t be coming by after all—the deep, devastating crush of disappointment or the grateful, knee-weakening rush of relief.

Even if he did come, Rory had to wonder what difference it would have made. If Amanda was with him, it would only prolong and enhance the agony, since she certainly couldn’t have talked to him then. On the off chance he did come without her, Rory probably still wouldn’t have been able to talk to him. Not really talk to him.

Words would be exchanged, sure, but each one marinated in sarcasm, served on a giant platter of nonchalance with a side of denial and a fresh garnish of wit—the perfect recipe for self-defense, her special ingredients for self-preservation.

This trip wasn’t going at all how she’d planned.

Perhaps she should have actually had a plan.

The dishwasher began its cycle, the low murmur from the appliance filling the quiet kitchen. Glancing out the doors once more towards the deck, Rory wandered down the hallway to the guest bedroom rather than join the others back outside.

Jonathan had left countless messages on her cell phone by this point. As expected, he wasn’t very happy that she’d decided not to return after the long weekend.

Slipping into the bedroom, she closed the door carefully behind her. Sitting on the edge of the bed, she retrieved her phone from her bag and lifted it to her ear with a steadying breath.

“
Hello
?”

“Jonathan? It’s me.”

And that began what turned into a thirty minute explanation of exactly why it was her, and not him, and all the other various reasons why their personal relationship had reached an end.

To say he took it well would be a bit of an overstatement. He was bitter. He was angry. It all seemed to come down to the fact he couldn’t believe she was doing this to him now, over the phone, at the worst possible time in his life. Apparently the first reviews of his play weren’t that great.

Timing, however, had never been her strong suit.

He hung up on her after her third or fourth apology, leaving off with a few choice words. Rory blew out a shaky sigh, and dialed another number.

“Hello?”

“Sarah?”

“Rory, is it really you?”

“It’s me,” she replied, pressing her lips tight in an attempt to suppress any teary emotion from leaking into her voice. “How are you?”

“Me? I’m fine. The question is how are you?”

“I’m okay.”

“Really? Because you don’t sound okay. I thought this little impromptu trip home was about taking some time off for yourself. Is something else going on?”

Rory didn’t think she was emotionally ready at the moment to discuss it, even with her good friend.

“Actually, I just got off the phone with Jonathan. I—we ended things.”

“Shame, really. How I’m always right.” Sarah’s tone immediately shifted. “Honestly, is there anything I can do? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I will be.” Rory hesitated. “Can I ask, though, why did you seem so sure it wasn’t going to work out?”

“Well, I suppose it’s because you have a type. And he was exactly it.”

“Excuse me? How does that make sense?”

“You always have the guy, Rory. That you typically date. At least as far as I’ve seen since I’ve known you. This guy who is always great on the surface. Witty, charming, tall and dark and handsome is a must, but every single one you seem to hold at arm’s length. Like they’re missing something. Potentially the most important thing.”