Hamish X and the Cheese Pirates (27 page)

“Mimi! Help!” Parveen's familiar voice sounded from within. Mimi dashed through the doors and looked frantically around.

“Mimi!” The voice came from above. She looked up and saw the hole in the roof and the ladder. By now the others were almost at the warehouse, so she ran to the ladder and scrambled up.

At the top of the ladder she stepped out onto a platform to see Pianoface and Tubaface with their swords out, trying to climb into the airship's cargo hold. Parveen was desperately attempting to hold them at bay with a long boathook. He sighed with relief when he saw Mimi. Unfortunately, he alerted the guards to her presence. They turned and saw her.

“Look it's that crazy girl from the orphanage. Where are all these kids coming from?” Tubaface asked in exasperation.

Pianoface shoved him towards Mimi. “Never mind! You get her, and I'll take care of this one.”

Mimi didn't wait. She ran straight at him and drove one of her feet into his chest. He staggered back from the impact, teetering on the edge of the platform and pinwheeling his arms, trying to maintain his balance. Parveen took the opportunity to jab him with the
boathook, sending him plunging backwards. Tubaface fell ten metres and crashed through the roof into the warehouse below. His fall was broken by a large wheel of brie.

Pianoface took advantage of Parveen overextending himself with the pole and grabbed hold of it. He pulled with all his strength, tugging Parveen off his feet. The little boy fell down the steps and rolled to a stop at Pianoface's feet.

“Now I've got you!” Pianoface raised his sword above Parveen, preparing to chop the helpless child in two.

Fortunately, Mimi remembered she'd picked up a sharp stone in the last chapter.
⁷⁷
She cocked her arm and fired the missile as hard as she could. THOK! Pianoface's forehead made a hollow sound like a hammer hitting a coconut. He stood quite still for a moment, then his eyes rolled up into his skull and he thumped onto his back unconscious.

Mimi stepped over to Parveen and extended her hand to him.

“Get up! We've gotta get outta here.” She pulled him to his feet.

“What took you so long?” He brushed the dust off his parka.

“Parveen?”

Mrs. Francis had reached the top of the ladder. She practically leapt across the intervening distance and swept Parveen into a crushing hug.

“Oh my little genius! Are you all right?”

“I was,” came the muffled reply. “However, I may be asphyxiated.” Parveen was saved from further mauling by
the arrival of the first child. Mrs. Francis reluctantly let go of Parveen. “Everyone aboard as carefully as possible. No pushing. No shoving. There's plenty of time.”

“I don't know about that,” Mimi said, looking out towards where Mr. Kipling stood facing the pirates. The tall man was shouting something. The Captain shouted back. The distance was too great for Mimi to hear what was said, but the Captain seemed annoyed. He stabbed the man next to him and then the pirates charged. Mr. Kipling wouldn't last long.

“Let's git everybody aboard,” Mimi said urgently. “Mr. Kipling's bought us a minute or two at most.”

MR. KIPLING CALMLY AWAITED
the wave of attackers boiling towards him. He held his weapons ready and tried to pick out whom he would take down first. Captain Cheesebeard hadn't joined the attack, leaving the death of his first mate to his underlings as a final insult. The loathsome Viggo stood beside the Captain, grinning and whispering into his ear.

Suddenly, the pirate charge faltered. The wave shambled to a stop, with each filthy, greasy face turning to look at something behind Mr. Kipling. He stole a glance over his shoulder and saw a boy walking towards him. The boy wore a torn and tattered woollen coat, a broad smile, and a pair of huge, shining black boots. The boy stopped beside him and held out his hand.

“Hello there,” the boy said, “I'm Hamish X.”

“Mr. Kipling.” He shook the proffered hand and sketched a bow. “I've heard a lot about you from Mrs. Francis. Magnificent boots.”

“Thanks,” Hamish X grinned. He cocked a thumb at the pirates. “Looks like you could use a hand.”

“Always! However, your friends are already on the airship. You should join them and leave this to me.”

“Very thoughtful of you, but I'll stay just the same,” Hamish X answered. He turned to the pirates. “Surrender!”

At the sight of the boy, a fury swept over Cheesebeard. He raised his sword and pointed at Hamish X. “You!” he howled, “Hamish X!”

Hamish X merely looked at him in mild curiosity. “Yes. I'm Hamish X.”

“You killed Soybeard, my dear brother,” Cheesebeard bellowed.

“He tried to kill me first,” Hamish X answered, “and he tried to sink the boat I was in along with forty-two orphans I was helping to escape from a running shoe factory.”

“You call that an excuse?”

“Yes, I do,” Hamish X said sadly.

“It was self-defence. He was an evil, vicious murderer, and so are you.”

At this, Cheesebeard howled with fury. “I am going to kill you right now and I promise you …” Cheesebeard licked his lips, “it will be slow and painful.”

“It's nice to have a goal in life, even if it can never be realized,” Hamish smiled. “Surrender.” The pirates looked at each other incredulously, then started to laugh.

Cheesebeard's beard shook with his own scornful laughter, raining crumbs down upon the ground. “There's only two of you.”

“I'm impressed that you can count so high. I'm giving you one chance to give up, and it's more than you deserve. You're a vicious pirate, a thief, and a kidnapper, but more importantly, you stole something that belongs to me.”

“What's that?”

“A book.”

Cheesebeard picked at his beard, thinking. “You mean that horribly boring book about plumbers? It's terrible!”

“Nonetheless, it's mine and I want it back. Give it to me and we'll leave you in peace. Otherwise, I'll take it from you by force.”

The Captain barked out a laugh. “By force! You'll take it by force? You and what army?”

“This one,” Hamish X said. “Winkie!”

At the sound of his name, the huge snow monkey burst out of the stairway from the caverns below. At his back swarmed hundreds of his fellow monkeys, shrieking, hooting, and bent on destruction.

“Sweet mother of all primates!” Cheesebeard gasped, astonished at the tide of angry monkey flesh rolling over the front rank of disbelieving pirates. The men barely had a chance to raise their weapons before the deluge overwhelmed them.

Hamish X and Mr. Kipling lent their support to the monkey onslaught. Mr. Kipling lay about with his sword and dagger, spinning and striking with devastating grace. Hamish X lashed out with his powerful boots, somersaulting, pirouetting, cartwheeling his way towards the foe, attempting to clear a path to the pirate Captain.

The bewildered pirates didn't know what to do. Sheer weight of numbers and the ferocity of the attack forced them to retreat towards the great hall. They tried to rally, to organize some kind of defence, but the monkey attack was too intense. One by one, gangs of angry simians began to drag them down. Perhaps with better leadership they might have had a chance, but Cheesebeard only shouted insults at his men, all the while edging towards the hall behind him. “Hold them, men! Hold them! Have you no pride? Are you no match for a gang of dirty monkeys?”

Clearly, the pirates were not. Between the monkeys, Mr. Kipling, and Hamish X, Cheesebeard's men were losing their stomach for the fight. First one turned and fled. Then another. In seconds, the entire pirate force was in full retreat, catching the monkeys by surprise with the suddenness of their flight.

“To the hall!” Cheesebeard shouted. He stood by the open doors waving his sword. “This way!”

Viggo had seen which way the battle was going and was hiding behind the door watching the battle unfold. When Hamish X had emerged from the caverns he could hardly believe his eyes. And now he felt such a surge of hatred that he almost ran out of his hiding place to confront the boy with the big boots.

First he has the nerve to escape from my orphanage,
Viggo fumed.
Then he has the temerity to survive a pirate attack!
And now he comes here and ruins my wonderful new partnership with Cheesebeard!

Unfortunately, coming out into the open would expose Viggo to personal danger and monkey vengeance. His natural cowardice won out and he stayed huddled in the shelter of the doorway.

The pirates ran as fast as their legs could carry them towards the open doors of the hall, the monkeys hooting in hot pursuit. Fear fuelled the pirates' steps, but fury drove the monkeys faster. Cheesebeard assessed the situation and, realizing that his men would never reach the doors in time, he decided to do what all true leaders of pirates have done throughout the ages: he saved himself. He leapt into the hall and pushed the doors closed in the faces of his henchmen. Viggo quickly slammed down the bar, effectively locking the monkeys and pirates out while locking himself and the Captain in.

The pirates howled in frustration, pounding in vain at the wood with the butts of their weapons. Defeated, they turned to face the onrushing monkey horde and did the only sensible thing: they threw down their weapons and surrendered.

“Stop!” Hamish X cried. Winkie hooted and the monkeys reluctantly reined themselves in. Hooting and shrieking, they pounded their chests and slapped the ground with the palms of their hands, making such a ferocious din that some of the pirates began to cry like little children.

“Don't kill us,” they begged. “We give up! We was just followin' orders.”

“I don't even like being a pirate!” one man cried.

“I don't even like cheese,” added another.

“I'm easily led,” said another. “My guidance counsellor in high school said so.”

Hamish X and Mr. Kipling made their way through the ring of monkeys to stand in front of the captives. Hamish X looked at the pathetic men on their knees wringing their hands.

“Should we kill them?” Mr. Kipling asked.

Hamish X thought for a moment. “No,” he said at last.

“Then we'd be no better than they are. I have no quarrel with them any more. It's Cheesebeard I want, and the book.”

“Good boy,” said Mr. Kipling, sheathing his weapons.

“You go to the airship and make sure everyone's aboard,” Hamish X said to Mr. Kipling. “I'll deal with Cheesebeard.”

“Be careful, lad,” Mr. Kipling said, laying a hand on Hamish X's shoulder before trotting away.

Hamish X watched him go, then turned and glared at the pirates. “Out of the way.”

They parted like a flock of sheep for a wolf as he walked up to the doors. He kicked them once. A resounding boom echoed from the crater walls.

“Cheesebeard!”

“We don't want any,” came the muffled response. “Come back later!”

“Very funny,” Hamish X called back. “Open the door right now or else I'll kick it down!”

“I'd like to see you try! It's made of solid oak reinforced with steel.”

“You asked for it!”

Hamish backed up a few steps. He concentrated on the boots. It was becoming easier now to connect with the strange energy they held. The familiar tickle of power coursed up his legs.

He stamped one foot. “One.” The power swelled.

He stamped the other. “Two!” The boots began to glow.

He leapt, striking the doors where they met in the centre with both boots together.

“Three!” The power surged as he made contact. With a crack like a cannon blast, the doors burst inward. The bar broke in two pieces and fell to the floor. Hamish X tucked and rolled in a somersault, coming to his feet ready for action.

Standing on the raised step in front of a huge recliner was Cheesebeard, grinning like a maniac. One of his arms was wrapped around Viggo's neck and the other held a knife to the cheese master's throat.