Hamish X and the Cheese Pirates (28 page)

“Don't come any closer,” Viggo whimpered piteously. “He'll kill me.”

Chapter 32

The cheese master cringed in terror as Captain Cheesebeard pressed the knife harder into the wattle of loose skin covering his Adam's apple.

“Why should I care if he kills you?” said Hamish X. “You never did a good thing for anyone in your life.”

“Please,” Viggo whined, “I know you have no reason to care about what happens to me, but I know you're a kindhearted boy. You were so nice to little what's-his-name with the glasses and whosit …”

“Parveen and Mimi.”

“Exactly! What would they think of you if you let someone die in cold blood?”

Hamish X clenched his jaw. According to Cheesebeard, he'd killed the pirate Soybeard. But he felt sure he'd been justified in ridding the world of an evil pirate who'd killed so many people and was probably bent on killing him, too. Viggo was helpless, however, and at Cheesebeard's mercy. Hamish X searched his heart and found that he couldn't let the cheese master die like this. Despite Viggo's horrible behaviour towards himself and his friends, Hamish X discovered he felt sorry for the miserable man. Perhaps this would be the act of kindness Viggo needed to see the light.

“All right, Cheesebeard. Let him go and I promise you won't be harmed. All I want is the book. Give it to me and I'll go.”

“You promise?” Cheesebeard laughed. “What good is a promise from you? How do I know the moment I let
him go you won't give me a boot massage with those massive clodhoppers?”

“What do you want me to promise by?”

“The International Pirate Code!” A gasp went up from the pirates who had surrendered outside. They had gathered in the doorway to watch the confrontation between the Captain and the strange little boy.

“International Pirate Code?” Hamish X asked.

“Is there an echo in here? Yes the International Pirate Code!” Cheesebeard pressed the knife deeper into the flesh of Viggo's neck.

Hamish X sighed. “I promise by the International Pirate Code that I shall not harm you if you let him go.”

Cheesebeard's eyes narrowed. “The IPC, eh?”

“You heard me.”

“You promise by the International Pirate Code not to harm me or Viggo here?”

“You're the one with a knife at his throat.”

“Just promise!” He pressed the knife harder.

“Fine. I promise!”

Cheesebeard hesitated a moment longer, then smiled. “You were right, Viggo. He's an altogether gullible boy.” He removed the knife from Viggo's neck.

“I told you, Captain,” Viggo grinned, “I can read him like a book.” He looked at Hamish X's shocked expression. “Of course it was just a ruse, Hamish X. You are such a little fool.”

“Why you rotten …” Hamish X snarled and lunged at Viggo. The thin man yelped and darted behind Cheesebeard.

“We had a deal,” Cheesebeard said smugly. “IPC!”

With supreme effort, Hamish X curbed his anger. “All right. You fooled me. Once! You've taken advantage of my
kindness. Once! You won't be given a second chance. Now, where's the book?”

“That wasn't part of the deal. I said I wouldn't harm Viggo. I didn't say I'd tell you where the book is.”

“Give it to me! Now!” Hamish stamped his foot. Bottles jumped on the table and fell crashing to the floor.

“Temper! Temper!” Cheesebeard tutted. “You really have to control yourself. You won't get anywhere being so rude.” He walked easily up the steps and sat in his recliner, crossing his legs. “What's so important about this book anyway?”

“It's none of your business.”

“I'm making it my business.”

Hamish clenched his fists. “It was my mother's. She meant for me to have it.”

“She couldn't have cared that much if she left you with strangers and with the most boring book ever written as a final slap in the face. I don't mind saying, it's obvious to me she didn't care too much about you at all.”

Hamish X's sudden leap caught Cheesebeard by surprise. The boy launched himself through the air, landing with one big black boot on the arm of the recliner and the other big black boot pressed against the pirate Captain's throat.

“Say one more word about my mother … one more word and IPC or no, I'll crush you like a grape.” Cheesebeard's face went red and then purple as Hamish X leaned on his windpipe. Finally, Hamish X hopped down from the chair and stood waiting for Cheesebeard to regain his breath.

“The book,” Hamish X said simply.

“I have it somewhere safe. You'll never find it if you kill me. But I'll tell you what we'll do …” Cheesebeard's eyes
glittered with malice. “We'll have a challenge according to the code. If you win, I'll give you the book. If I win …” he smiled like a crocodile, yellow teeth gleaming in the lamplight. “If I win, then you have to come and work for me. Is it a deal?”

Hamish X was silent. Working for Cheesebeard was an impossible scenario, but so was leaving without the book.
Great Plumbers and Their Exploits
was the only connection he had with his mother. Each time he held it he felt closer to the truth. He had to have it back.

“All right,” he sighed at last. “But I choose the challenge.”

“It can't be anything to do with boots or kicking,” Cheesebeard said quickly.

“Good one, Captain,” Viggo simpered.

Hamish X glared at the cheese maker, who ducked behind the recliner. Hamish X thought for a moment. Then he smiled.

“I know,” he said. “We'll have an eating contest. Whoever can eat the most Caribou Blue wins.”

A triumphant light filled Cheesebeard's eyes. He crowed to the ceiling. “Ho! Ho! Ho! You're on, my little friend. No one can eat more cheese than I. No one! Especially not a sawed-off little runt like you. Ho! Ho! Ho!”

Hamish X smiled grimly and crossed his arms. “Any time you're ready.”

“Bring in the Caribou Blue,” Cheesebeard snarled. “Right away.” Viggo bowed and scraped, backing away.

HAMISH X AND THE PIRATE CAPTAIN
sat on the platform. Cheesebeard occupied his recliner while Hamish X sat on a low stool facing him. A small table separated them.

Viggo painstakingly measured each cube so that each weighed a uniform ounce. The fumes were so powerful
around the block he cut them from that he was forced to wear a gas mask. Hamish X watched the process like a hawk, keen to catch Viggo in case he cheated with the measurements.

At last, the two combatants announced they were satisfied. Two plates piled with one-ounce cubes of Caribou Blue rested on the table. Everyone stood back a good distance, but many complained of watery eyes and dizziness.

Hamish X and Cheesebeard didn't flinch. They stared at each other over the mounds of cheese, the tension so palpable one could have cut it with a knife. The stench of the cheese was so palpable one could have used the same knife to cut it, too.
⁷⁸
But neither of the combatants showed any sign of weakness.

Cheesebeard raised his buttock, expelled some trapped gas, smiled and spread his hands. “As challenger, you should go first.”

“If you insist,” Hamish X said.

Hamish X reached out and plucked a cube of cheese from the top of his pile. He popped it into his mouth and chewed it with gusto. The crowd of pirates standing all
around gasped. The monkeys clinging to the walls hooted. Hamish X swallowed, opened his mouth, and displayed the empty cavity.

“Your turn,” he said.

Cheesebeard reached out, plucked the top piece of cheese off his plate, and with a nonchalant flick of the wrist tossed it into his mouth. This time the pirates hooted and the monkeys gasped. He chewed, swallowed, and smiled.

“You know you haven't got a chance, don't you?” Cheesebeard said as Hamish picked up his next morsel. “I'm going to win and you'll be my slave.”

“Don't be so sure,” Hamish X said, placing the cheese in his mouth.

“It's a matter of fact that I am easily three times the size of you. I've been eating cheese my whole life. There's no cheese that can get the better of me,” Cheesebeard laughed.

Hamish X shrugged, opening his mouth to display that he had swallowed. His golden eyes watered slightly, but otherwise he showed no ill effects. “That may be true. But Caribou Blue is a powerful cheese. The fumes alone can induce madness. No one has ever eaten more than three ounces and survived. Those consuming two ounces have been known to experience hallucinations, blindness, and paralysis.”

Cheesebeard popped another ounce into his mouth, chewing as he answered. “Umph, yes, indeed. So how can you hope to defeat me? I'll eat you under the table. Yumph.” Beads of sweat stood out on Cheesebeard's brow. He blinked again and again. “Feeling it yet, Hamish X?”

“No. I think you are though. Look at your hands.” Cheesebeard held up his hands. They were trembling violently. “It's nothing … just the cold … and I haven't
been sleeping well lately … Mommy?” He turned his head sharply to look at an empty space. “Is that you, Mommy?” Suddenly his right arm went rigid. He banged it on the tabletop. “Mommy my arm's all stiff!”

Viggo darted in to Cheesebeard's side, whispering into the pirate's ear. “Captain? You're hallucinating. The cheese is too powerful for you.”

Cheesebeard swung his stiff arm, smashing Viggo to the ground. The plate of cheese cubes spilled across the table. “You're not my mommy!” The pirate's face was red with rage. “Stop pretending you're my mommy!” The moment of violence seemed to clear his head. He looked at Hamish X sitting quietly on his stool. The boy didn't seem to be suffering in the least. “All right! All right! Your turn again.”

Hamish X smiled. “Viggo says that no one has ever eaten four ounces and survived.” He picked up a piece of cheese in each hand, holding the greasy blue-white squares between his thumb and forefinger. “Hallucination. Paralysis. Death. Are you up to the challenge, Captain Cheesebeard?”

Hamish X stuck out his tongue and placed the two chunks of cheese onto it. He drew his tongue in and chewed grimly, staring into the awestruck eyes of the pirate Captain. The collected audience of men and monkeys looked on in wonder as he opened his mouth to evidence its emptiness. Cheesebeard's chin quivered. Tears formed in his terrified eyes.

“Well?” said Hamish X, crossing his arms. “Your turn, Cheesebeard. Or do you admit defeat? Give me my book and let us go in peace.”

“NEVER!” Cheesebeard thundered, his foul breath blasting over Hamish X, who fanned a hand in disgust.

Viggo laid a bony hand on Cheesebeard's wrist as the Captain reached for his plate. “Captain, I must beg you not to do it. No one knows better than I how potent this cheese is. I don't know how he's able to survive, but I must advise caution.”

Cheesebeard tore his arm out of Viggo's grasp. “Stop touching me, Queen Elizabeth! I'm trying to win this game!” (For indeed, the cheese was working on his mind in such a way as to make him think Viggo was actually Queen Elizabeth the First, complete with starched ruffle collar and Renaissance ball gown.) “I'll eat this fellow under the table and then invade Spain, your majesty!” He snatched up two cubes of cheese and rammed them in his mouth, chewing furiously. “I'm like a little teapot. Here's my handle and here's my spout!” He got up and posed with one arm extended and the other bent to touch his hip. “Look at me! I'm all full of tea!” Suddenly, he started hopping and pointing at the floor, terror in his eyes. “Look out for the fire toads! They're leaping. LEAPING!” He climbed up onto his recliner, perching on the headrest and flapping his arms. “Caw! Caw! Birds like worms! Get me worms!”

The pirates exchanged looks of confusion. The Captain was completely mad. Even the monkeys looked perplexed, and monkeys are difficult to perplex considering they understand very little in the first place.

“Cheesebeard,” Hamish X said soothingly, holding out his hand to the pirate who was now pecking at his own arm with his nose. “It's over. We don't need to continue. Just tell me where the book is and I'll go.”

Cheesebeard suddenly went very still. His eyes, wild and watery, fixed on Hamish X and for a moment he seemed completely lucid and sane. He stared hard at the boy for a long moment.

“I want my mommy,” the pirate Captain said. “Right now!” And with that final request, he fell backwards with a loud crash, taking the chair with him. His heavy, cheese-encrusted beard lay on his scarred face. Hamish X held two fingers against the man's neck.

“He's dead,” Hamish X pronounced to the gathered spectators. He stood up and looked at the floor where the chair had been. There, on the floor, was his book.

Chapter 33

Hamish X bent and picked up the book. He let out a sigh of relief. As soon as his hands came in contact with the book he felt calmer, more complete.