Hannah's Remission (Amish Romance) (Amish Circle Series Book 1) (3 page)

Emma was silent as she let them into the
haus
. Luke followed the two women in and silently took off his hat and his boots. Emma ushered Luke into the kitchen and invited him to sit down, then excused herself and Hannah. Luke could tell that Emma was not comfortable with him being there especially once she saw the effect that it had on Hannah. Emma had always been polite towards Luke all the while he and Hannah had been growing up and he had never gotten the impression that she disliked him. She just seemed surprised to see him there and worried about what it might mean for the future.

Hannah offered Luke a seat at the table and then sat down across from him. Luke looked around noting a few differences between the kitchen in the Sutter home and the one in his parents’ home. Emma and Hannah’s kitchen had the same spare, simple lines that his parents’ did but unlike the woodstove in his home, the Sutters used a propane stove. Luke remembered that Emma’s
mann
had died when Hannah was quite young and it was no surprise that there were a few amenities that would make life a little easier for two women living alone with no
mann
to help them out.

“Hannah, are you sure you feel up to talking? You’re normally so tired after we visit the doctor. Maybe young Luke could come back another day instead. Tomorrow, perhaps, would be better than today. You really should be resting, you see.” Emma continued on in that vein for awhile, urging Hannah to ask Luke to leave so that she didn’t have to say it directly.

“
Ach, Maemm
,
nee,
” Hannah exclaimed. “
Danke
for your concern,
Maemm,
but I haven’t seen Luke in years and I want to speak with him. Please? If you really want me to lie down after I will but I feel fine now, and I want to stay up and visit with Luke. Please, just give me this time. Even an hour at least would be enough.”

Emma looked over at Hannah and was surprised to see an unfamiliar gleam in her eyes. It had been so long since she had seen Hannah getting excited about anything. She felt happy that there was something that her
dochtah
felt strongly about but it terrified her that it was a boy, a
mann
, who had brought about such a change in her
kinder
. She knew she would need to spend some time sitting quietly, thinking, and praying to see if
Gott
would reveal his plan to her regarding the future of her only
dochtah
.

The two youngsters waited patiently until Emma had left the kitchen. They looked at each other, feeling a little lost for words. Where should they begin? So much had happened to each of them since they had last been together. Underneath the table, where Luke could not see her, Hannah was twisting her hands together nervously. Never before had she cared so much about the fact that her hair was missing. She was terrified that her head was all he could see. It was such an obvious reminder of how ill she was.

“How have things been?” asked Luke. He was saddened to see a shadow fall across Hannah’s face. It was clear to him that this was not something she was used to talking to anyone about. Her unwillingness to talk to him about something was also a huge change from the way things had been before he left. Before, when the circle of friends had been unbroken it seemed like they could talk about anything without feeling shy or uncomfortable.

“Some days are better than others, Luke,” said Hannah. “Some days it’s very, very bad. But it sounds like you have had an exciting journey to Ohio. What was it like there? Is it very different? Did you have a hard time fitting in? Did you...” her voice trailed off. “Did you meet anyone there?” Hannah looked down at her lap. She was aware that Luke was looking at her with heat in his eyes and it made her feel both wonderful and uncomfortable at the same time.

“Well, it’s different there, that’s for sure. They’re much stricter about their interpretation of the
Ordnung
. They wouldn’t allow a stove like your
maemm
has here. There are no modern devices at all. I know that a few houses around here have indoor plumbing but there is none of that there at all. And they are really, really picky about transportation too.” He was pleased to see how closely Hannah was paying attention to his words. He remembered when she had said how much she wanted to travel and realized she likely had not had the chance to do much if any at all since she became ill.

“Oh Luke, that sounds so interesting! I really wish that someday I would get the chance to see these things myself.” She absentmindedly stretched out one of her arms and her hand rested on the tabletop. It was close to Luke’s. She looked at Luke. “I’m so tired of being sick. I have to have all of these needles and the medicine they give me makes me sick to my stomach all of the time.” She rubbed her head with one hand. “I lost my hair, Luke. I feel like I look sick and ugly. I try not to be proud but I just wish I had my hair.”

“I think you look beautiful, Hannah. I always have.” He felt his finger brush against her hand and marvelled at how soft her skin was. She looked up and met Luke’s gaze. She flushed a bit.

“Why, Mister Smith, I do think it has gotten very warm in this kitchen,” said Hannah. She poked his palm playfully and giggled. “What our friends would say if they could see us sitting here together, chattering on about such silly things.”

“Hannah, I know that getting out is hard but please, come to the buggy races with me? They’re going to be happening in a few days so you have time to get feeling better than you are now. It will be so much fun. You’ll be able to see so many of our friends and it’s not too taxing. You don’t have to be overly active so it won’t be too stressful. Please? It will be so much fun.”

“Ach, Luke, I’d love to go. I’ll ask Emma but I can’t promise you that she will let me go. She usually doesn’t let me out of the
haus
much unless it’s for an appointment or a treatment. But I’ll ask her Luke, I promise I will.” Luke knew she would ask but was saddened by the hopeless look on her face.

The sun had already begun to set when Grace Kauffman, Elizabeth Springer and Jane Sommer knocked politely at the door of the Sutter residence. Emma was expecting them. They always turned up after one of Hannah’s medical appointments. Emma was grateful to the girls for stopping in to see her
dochtah
. It definitely helped to keep Hannah’s spirits up and it made her feel like at least one part of her life hadn’t changed just because she had gotten sick.

They all filed into the kitchen and started helping Emma get supper ready. Each of them had brought a dish from home as none of them had wanted to make Emma work any harder to prepare a meal for so many people. They each tended to bring food that Hannah found particularly appealing especially on days when she had been through one of her treatments. They knew that she was usually nauseated and that it took something tempting to get her to eat.

It wasn’t long before Hannah came downstairs. She saw her friends and smiled brightly at them. Emma was heartened to see how much more cheerful Hannah seemed with her friends around. One of the things her doctor had always told Emma was that Hannah had to keep her spirits up since it would be Hannah’s determination that would help pull her through this illness.

The visits always followed the same routine. They would eat and chatter, exchanging news with both Hannah and Emma. They knew that Emma tended to stay closer to home than she used to before her
dochtah
got sick. The gossip was always upbeat and positive but it helped Emma stay connected to the community around her. Then, after supper was done, Emma would always claim to be tired and the girls would offer to clean up. Emma would accept their offer of help and would head upstairs for the evening. She could relax knowing that Hannah was in good hands and that the girls would let her know if anything bad happened or if Hannah’s health seemed to be taking a turn for the worse.

This evening, as soon as Emma had excused herself, the topic of conversation immediately changed. They had been chatting about a girl that they had all gone to school with and whether or not she was going to come back after
Rumspringa
but that topic of conversation couldn’t compare to the subject that was on each of the girls’ minds. They had heard that Luke Smith, their long time friend, had called on Hannah. As none of the girls were courting, this was as close as any of them had come to having a young
mann
interested in them. They were all understandably excited.

“What did you talk about? Did you sit in the kitchen or out in the main room? Did you hold hands?” The first three questions were from Jane Sommer. Hannah, Grace and Elizabeth had all thought Jane was the most boy-crazy of the bunch. She also tended to be the most forward of all of the girls and occasionally didn’t realize that some of her questions could be considered rude.

Once Jane had started her round of questions the rest of the girls joined in. They all wanted to know what Hannah and Luke had talked about, what she thought about him and whether or not he had asked to see Hannah again. At first Hannah was reluctant to talk about what had gone on. She didn’t like the other girls focussing on her social life and she certainly didn’t want to discuss the feelings she had for Luke. She didn’t fully know what she felt for her childhood friend and so she didn’t know what to say to her friends about him.

“I bet it’s no time at all before you go steady. I bet he’s liked you for a very long time,” said Grace Kauffman. Hannah shook her head violently and shushed her. Hannah felt herself blush and touched her cheek to see if it was as hot to the touch as it felt inside. She knew she had turned a deep red and that her friends could see that she had feelings developing for Luke.

“It doesn’t matter to me one bit if he does like me as more than a friend, Grace Kauffman,” said Hannah firmly. “I’m sick and so someone liking me or going steady with someone just isn’t possible. He can like me all he wants but it’s just not going to go anywhere. Not now, not ever.” Hannah knew she sounded very firm and definite when she talked. She just wished that she could convince herself as easily as she thought she had convinced her friends.

There was a bit of an uncomfortable silence in the kitchen. Hannah stared down at the counter she had been cleaning. Each of the other girls turned back to the task of putting the Sutter kitchen back to rights after their dinner. Hannah felt bad because she hadn’t meant to make her friends uncomfortable about what they were saying to her. These were the most important friends in her life and she always wanted them to feel comfortable talking to her about anything. She felt like most people had no idea what to say to her about being sick and the last thing she had wanted was to upset her friends. But the way she felt about Luke was strange for her and she didn’t understand it either. It was too new and potentially too important to her to let people make jokes about it at this time.

After a little while, the girls began to chatter again although this time it was about different topics. They loved the chance to socialize and so it was difficult to keep them quiet for long. They talked about a
familye
they knew who was moving away to one of the other communities and how it would feel to leave their home and everything they had ever known. They talked about some of the differences they had heard about at various Amish communities around the country and how they would feel if they had to live with those same restrictions and changes. Hannah shyly included some of the information that Luke had given her about his time in Ohio. She could tell by the expressions on the other girls’ faces that they knew where the information had come from and that they found it interesting that she knew so much about Luke’s past. This time, though, they kept their opinions and thoughts to themselves.

Before long, Emma could be heard walking down the stairs and towards the kitchen. The girls were surprised to hear her so soon. Usually she was content to let the friends chatter until late into the night and let Hannah send her friends on their way when she got too tired to carry on socializing.

“Girls, I hate to ask you to go home but Hannah has a treatment tomorrow and we have to be on our way early. I’m afraid that it’s time for Hannah to be getting to sleep. She can see you tomorrow if she feels well enough to.” The girls nodded, understanding just how much one of her treatments took out of Hannah. One by one, they bid her goodbye with hugs and well-wishes.

Once her friends had left, Hannah wandered up to her room while her mother prepared the
haus
for the night. She sat on her bed, her mind racing. Was it possible that Luke liked her as more than just a friend? She knew that she had always enjoyed his company and that when she looked at him these days, her heart seemed to beat a little faster. She worried that he was only being nice to her because he felt obligated to. He had been away so long and she was so ill. She feared he was only acting interested in her because he knew that there was little to no chance that their relationship would go anywhere serious.

Her heart heavy, Hannah lay down on her side, turned to face the wall, and tried to get some sleep before her appointment in the morning.

The Amish taxi bumped over the gravel roads and Hannah closed her eyes. She was feeling a little motion sick but that was not unusual for her. She hated travelling by car. She felt less sick whenever she was travelling by buggy but the rush of the outside world past the windows always made her stomach churn and feel uncomfortable. She swallowed a couple of times and then reopened her eyes. It was never good to go into a chemotherapy appointment already feeling sick to her stomach.

She knew it wasn’t just the car ride that was making her stomach churn. She was a bundle of nerves because she wanted to ask her mother an important question. All night, she had thought about Luke and his invitation to go to the buggy races. She wanted to go and not just because it would be with him. All of her friends attended them. She had missed out on doing so much with her friends and she wanted to make up for lost time. She knew that before long each of the girls would be starting courtships, going steady and getting married. Hannah knew that they would always be friends but knew that life would change how often they got to see one another.

“
Maemm
, when Luke was here, he invited me to go somewhere with him.” Hannah was nervous. She knew how protective her mother was about her and knew it was as much because she was an only
kinder
as it was because she was ill. “
Maemm
, I want to go to the buggy races in two days. May I? Luke says he will take
gut
care of me and bring me home if I start getting tired.”

Emma had been looking out the window but she turned to stare at her
dochtah
. This was the last thing she had expected Hannah to ask.  She took the time to look at her
dochtah
. She saw the shine in Hannah’s eyes and the slight flush in her cheeks that seemed to appear whenever the topic of Luke came up. She knew the boy from when he was younger and had known that he was part of a group of
kinder
that tended to hang out together at community events. But this older Luke suddenly reappearing made Emma start to worry about things she hadn’t even considered and she was determined to put an end to his interest in her
dochtah
.

“
Nee,
Hannah, that’s out of the question. You’re having a treatment today. You know how awful you feel after them. There is no way I will allow you to go and be around people. You might catch a cold. You might get too worn out. You know that the doctor has told you to be careful while you are having this medicine given to you. We don’t know how impaired your immune system is still. It’s too risky for you to be out at a large event like that and I simply won’t allow it.”

“But
Maemm
, you don’t understand! I’ve missed out on so much since I’ve been sick. You keep talking about how you want me to have a normal life and I’ve always felt too sick to do much. But I’m feeling better now! I have more energy and I want to get out and see my friends more. I just want to try being a normal girl for once. Luke says he will keep a close eye on me and bring me right home if he sees me starting to get worn out. I just want to do the things my friends do when I’m feeling well enough to.” Emma simply looked at her
dochtah
and shook her head.

The rest of the car ride was quieter than normal. Hannah knew better than to try and talk to her mother about the buggy races. Emma was always easygoing and usually let her
dochtah
do what she wanted but when she put her foot down about something there was no changing her mind. Both women were silent until they reached the hospital.

The treatment seemed to take less time than normal. Some parts were still normal. The nurse still took a blood sample, still injected Hannah with the anti-nausea drugs and they still didn’t work. But for once, Hannah didn’t feel like she was trapped in a chair for most of the day. She also felt less deeply, deeply ill while the treatment was going on. It actually took getting back in the taxi and the motion sickness that followed to cause her to start throwing up.

Hannah was still being sick when they pulled into the farmyard. Emma was surprised to see Luke’s buggy sitting and waiting for them. The young
mann
was leaning up against the side and the horses were tethered to the post. He looked comfortable and confident, but his smile faded a bit when he saw how ill Hannah was. Emma left her
dochtah
in the car and got out to speak with Luke.

“Luke, you must go. This isn’t a
gut
time for you to see Hannah. She has just had a treatment and is feeling very poorly. She never wants anyone to see her when she is like this.” Emma crossed her arms and looked sternly at Luke. He looked from her to the backseat of the car and back at Emma. She could see how badly he wanted to go over to the vehicle and comfort her
dochtah
.

“Emma, all I want to do is talk to Hannah and say hello. May I at least do that? I could help you get her in the
haus
if she’s too much for you to handle on your own. I know she is feeling poorly at the moment and I won’t stay long. Please, may I just say hello to her?” It was killing Luke not to be able to speak to Hannah. He hated seeing how uncomfortable she looked but he knew she was very self conscious and didn’t want to intrude where he wasn’t wanted.

“
Nee
, Luke. You can’t. You have to go. Hannah may not have told you exactly how sick she is. She has leukemia. That’s a form of cancer, Luke. It’s very serious. I can’t let you interfere with her getting better. You can’t see her today and you can’t see her anymore. I would appreciate it if you stopped calling in at the
haus
from now on.”

With that, Emma turned and began the difficult process of getting Hannah into the
haus
. She wasn’t sure how long Luke waited in the yard before he climbed into his buggy and left but she did see the look on Hannah’s face as she watched him leave.