Hard to Resist (29 page)

Raking his fingers through his hair, he sighs while taking another step back. “I think I’m gonna bail out on going to the club.”

What the fuck?!
My eyebrows stitch heavily as I look him over. What in the hell just happened? Just moments ago he was kissing me and telling me that he was going to heal me. What the hell is his problem? “Nolan. What’s wrong with you? I really didn’t mean it that way.”

“Mills told me that I was moving too fast. I just didn’t want to believe him. All day I’ve been thinking about us, Natalie, and it’s fucking hard. All day I’ve been wondering if you’re the right one for me. Sometimes, I don’t even know if I’m right for anyone.”

“What are you getting at, Nolan?”

He sighs as his eyes finally meet mine. “We’re moving back to California.” My heart clutches as my eyes grow broad. “My mom is sick and her boyfriend left her. We’ve just found out that she has lung cancer and she needs us. As much as I couldn’t stand her for letting us go over a guy, I still love her.”

I pull my lips in and bite down. I can’t believe this. I really thought we were going somewhere. I really thought that we could make it. “So you’re saying that you’re not staying? Is that it?” I look up at him.

He nods as his eyes lower shamefully. “But I can still do long distance, Natalie. I can visit you often and you can visit me. Nothing has to change. I already have a job there with Mills. I’ve signed up for a few gigs to kick start my dreams. Maybe you could move to Cali with me.”

“Hell no!” I spit. “I moved away because I knew that being here was going to keep me sane. I knew that
meeting you
was going to keep me somewhat alright but now I just feel like a fucking idiot, Nolan. How long have you known that you were going to be leaving?”

“I found out a few weeks after we’d met, Natalie. We were in too deep and I didn’t know how to tell you without letting you down.”

“Deep or not, you could have told me, Nolan!” I growl. “Instead you continued to carry it on. Where did you think this was going to go?”

“I don’t know!”

“What do you mean you don’t know?” I screech, feeling all of the anger boiling its way out of me. “When you first met me, what did you really want? I’m sure it wasn’t my heart! You wanted something else entirely but instead,
this
happened. This is what you got.”

“I just . . . I wasn’t expecting to fall in love,” he mumbles.

“But you told me that when you first saw me, you knew I was hurt. You said that you wanted me to help you, Nolan. I seriously don’t understand what’s going on right now!”

“Okay, you wanna know the truth?” he roars while taking a large step forward. His chest bumps against mine as he grips my face. I can feel the anger boiling off of his skin. “I just wanted to
fuck
you, Natalie. I just wanted you in my bed. I didn’t care for your feelings or how you felt. I was just running game. I didn’t care for a relationship or if you were hurt. But that night when we first went to the beach, shit changed. I felt like I could be myself with you. I felt like I could really talk and relate with you. No girl has ever spent personal time with me like you did. No girl has ever made me feel guilty for wanting just sex. That’s never happened to me before.

“You were different, yes. You’re beautiful, which is why I wanted you in my room on the first night that we met but, Bunny, I couldn’t go through with it. You were so hurt, so lost. You were drowning yourself so much that I felt bad for thinking that way of you. It backfired on me. Talking to you that first night made me realize that it wasn’t fair. It was time for me to change. I couldn’t fuck you over like how I planned on doing. I told Mills about the mix of feelings that I had for you and he told me that it was a sign to just settle down with someone right. It was a sign to let go of the immature shit to become better.
Mature.
”

A tear trickles down his cheek but he jerks away quickly to wipe it away. His eyes remain hard on me and not once does he bother to look anywhere else. “I’ve never—in my entire life—felt anything like what I feel for you, Natalie. Meeting you has changed my life drastically and as much as I don’t want to fuck up, I can’t stay here. I want this to work, but I have to go, Nat. My mother needs us and if I refuse to go and she ends up dying, I’ll regret the fact that I could have helped her but didn’t. Right now, I need your test of faith. I fucking love you and I refuse to let you go.”

A warm wetness runs down my cheeks but he steps forward and pulls me against him. His arms wrap around me as he places his nose in my hair. I choke on a few sobs as my tears soak his shirt. “I just don’t want you to leave me, Nolan,” I sputter out.

I feel his head shake as he sniffles. “I know, I know. I’m sorry. But I will always be here for you. I mean that.” He pushes me back to take a look at me but I refuse to look at him. I feel like a mess. I haven’t cried this hard since graduation night but if I want to be honest with myself, it’s worse this time around because what Nolan and I have is real. I can’t deny it. I’ve wanted to ignore it for so long and hold off from him but there was going to be a point in time where I had to give in.

“Babe, look at me,” he murmurs, tilting my chin up. I force myself to meet his eyes. “I’m going to come back. I’m not going to leave you stranded and hurt like the last guy did. I mean that. It’s time for me to man up. I want to make this work, not only to get better, but because I love you and I can’t allow
this
to end.” He leans down to place his lips against mine. This time, I savor him. I want to feel this right now. I never want to let go. It’s been so hard for me and I honestly feel like I won’t be able to breathe correctly without him around me. I love Nolan Young and I want nothing more than to be with him every day. I want nothing more than to hold on to him, laugh with him, joke around with him, but most of all,
be happy
with him.

He wasn’t lying when he’d said that he wanted to make this work. No matter what his past consists of, it is just that. The past. It was only a matter of time for him to get rid of it and I’m beyond glad that I’m the one that he wants to start fresh with.

Chapter Thirty

Twisting my fingers in my lap, I repeat my lines consistently. My head twists to the right to take a peek at the time. It is now 4:58 . . . almost two hours away from the Open Mic session tonight. As a contestant, I have to show up early. I have to be back stage and ready. But am I truly? I felt more than ready a few hours ago. This morning, I was somewhat rejuvenated and a bit relieved that Nolan didn’t runaway while screaming his head off.

Instead of hitting the club, Nolan, Harper, Dawson, and I just chilled at our condo and watched Netflix movies. After what Nolan had told me last night, drinks weren’t needed. Drinks would have most likely made the situation worse. But at least he stuck around. I was hoping that he wasn’t going to try and put distance between us so soon.

As bad as I don’t want him to leave, I seriously want to make this work. I want nothing more than to have him close to my heart than anything else. We deserve each other, whether we see it or not.

I hop from the sofa to make my way towards the kitchen. I pull a glass down, fill it with ice, and then drown it with water. I gulp a few sips down before placing my glass on the counter and taking a deep breath. When I was nervous back at home, I would call my mom. That was the one thing that she would make time for me for. If I had a nervous spell going on.

Rushing my way out of the kitchen, I dip around the corners until I am in my bedroom. I scramble for my cell that is on top of my nightstand and immediately call her. She answers after about the fifth ring.

“Natty,” she breathes.

“Hi, Mom.”

“What’s the matter?” she asks quickly. “You sound . . . flustered.”

I pause to gather my thoughts. “I’m going to an Open Mic session tonight at a lounge. From what I’ve heard there are going to be tons of people there. The number of people grows every weekend.”

“Okay,” she urges.

“I’m going to read one of my poems tonight but I’m nervous, Mom. It’s about Bryson.”

“Bryson?” I can hear the anger behind the shrill of her voice. “No disrespect to you, sweetie, but you need to put that asshole in the fucking garbage. Rid him of you memory bank. He is not worth speaking on.”

“But it’s not exactly a good poem. It just expresses how I really felt after what he did to me.”

“Mmm-hmm.” I can tell that she’s nodding with her lips pressed. “Frank told me that you met a guy down there. Why didn’t you tell me?”

My words trap in my throat. Why haven’t I told her? When Bryson had asked me out freshman year she was the third person I told. Gracey and Harper were the first two. “Because I didn’t want you thinking that I’m moving too fast.”

“I wouldn’t think that,” she argues. “You sound happier, Natty. I’m sort of glad that he came in your way. Your father showed me the pictures of you and Harp down there and you look amazing.”

I grin as my head hangs down. “Thanks.”

“As for the poem. You’re going to nail it. I’ve always had faith in my baby. And you never know. Someone may be there to notice your talent and take you far. Never pass up a beautiful opportunity. Never stop chasing your dreams. You see what happened to me when I gave up on mine,” she sighs. “I don’t want you going through the same thing. I want you completely happy.”

“Okay, Mom. I’m just—I feel like they’re gonna look at me like an idiot. My words aren’t completely clean. They’re kind of crazy.”

“Some of the craziest people in the world are the most creative, sweetie. That is never an excuse.”

Pursing my lips, I trot out of my bedroom. “I guess you’re right. I’ll tell you how it went tomorrow. Hopefully I can catch you and Dad on three-way.”

“Sounds good, Natty. Good luck and I love you!”

“I love you, too, Mom.”

I jerk my phone away from my ear while slumping down on the leather sofa. I shut my eyes briefly and try to imagine a peaceful setting. I want to be somewhere where I won’t have to worry. Where I won’t have to feel like I have to live up to everyone’s expectations. Surprisingly, behind my eyelids, I am envisioning myself with Nolan.

We’re on a faraway island with near-white sand and crystal-clear blue water. We’re trotting along the shore, hand-in-hand as the sun is on its horizon. It’s honestly beautiful and right now I want nothing but that vision to be real. All I want is Nolan.

My phone buzzes in my hand, interrupting my peaceful daydream. Checking the screen, my eyes broaden as I stare at Nolan’s name.

Nolan:
Ur gonna rock it tonight, Bunny. I got ur back.

I grin as I reply.

Me:
U got mine, I got urs. Love u.

Nolan:
Pretty nervous as well. Hearing that it’s going 2 be packed 2night.

Nolan:
And u know I love you more, Bunny.

I giggle as I study his words again.

Me:
Can’t wait 2 see you 2night. If we do good I may have a pleasant surprise for ya. ;)

I wait for him to text back for almost ten minutes. At one point, I’m nervous and thinking maybe he didn’t like that line. I begin to chew on my bottom lip—that is until my phone buzzes gain.

Nolan:
I’m all about surprises. I’m gonna rip Open Mic to shreds tonight, babe. Can we talk arrangements?

A smile sticks to my lips.

Me:
I’m down. :)

Nolan:
Can’t wait Bunny. Do good and you’ll be pleased with your reward.

All of my teeth reveal as I stand from the sofa and tuck my phone into the pocket of my grey hoody. That mini conversation has just given me a boost of confidence. I can do this because not only will I be on stage with Nolan, but I will also be facing my dreams. People will finally hear what I’ve been storing within me. It may not be the whole world, but a crowd is good enough for me. We all have to start somewhere.

****