Harper's Rules (7 page)

A reverse chronology is the proper format.

Tell me who you work for now, in what capacity, and what your duties and functions are. Do this for the most recent decade. If you're old enough to have previous decades, you may summarize them, since no one really cares but you, and even you can't remember the “you” of your early résumé.

Bragging rights: your achievements and accomplishments.

This is critical. Tell me, in a
quantitative way
, about your performance in each job. Show me how you will make me money or save me money. I'm looking at the résumé of a guy I recently placed. Here's one of his entries:

WIREFORCE Inc. (Second largest manufacturer of wire-molded products in the U.S.) Director of Quality Assurance (2002–present)
Complete budgetary responsibility of a 15 million dollar Quality unit comprised of 127 people. This includes 45 engineers and 12 research scientists.

• Reduced failure rate 89 percent in first year
  
• Eliminated 2
  nd
  shift of inspection, saving 12 million dollars
  
• Won the auto industry's coveted QAA award
  
• Designed team innovations that reduced lead time by 122 percent
  

This guy is a pro. That's why I placed him and earned a commission of 43K. He doesn't spell out the details or worry about making sure you know exactly when all this happened. He doesn't stress over whether he's taking too much credit for things that obviously involved other people. He understood his résumé as an advertisement. You want more info? You want to know how he did it? Interview him!

Depending on your area of expertise, it may be perfectly acceptable to include the following in your “bragging rights”:

• Patents
  
• Awards
  
• Education (If really impressive and recent. If you were a 4.0 at a state school and you're 40, let it go.)
  
• Rate of promotion
  
• Publications
  
• Design innovations
  
• Major clients sold or serviced (If it's a household name, use it. We all love branding.)
  

Affiliations and/or civic interests.

If you're committed to a career, you can demonstrate that by showing me associations and/or extra training and certification. It shows consistency of purpose. And if in your busy life you have found the time for charitable work or you are active in some civic way that shows you care about the world around you, go ahead and include it—briefly! As a small and petty person, I do not like to hire morally superior people. I admire you; I just don't see what we have in common.

Family and personal situation.

I know your family is the most important thing in the world to you. Mine is to me. It's a given. Givens don't get space on a one-page résumé. Don't tell me you have two “healthy beautiful daughters named Hazel and Greta and that you married your high school sweetheart.” This is a résumé, not your acceptance speech for a lifetime achievement award. You could also be creating a negative. Maybe the job has travel, and they're going to assume you won't be available. Maybe the hiring authority's kids are the bane of his existence or she just got divorced. Wait until you read the situation in an interview, and then by all means, if needed, wax poetic about the wonders of family.

When all else fails, tell the truth.

Just because I said earlier your résumé is an advertisement, that is not a license to steal. It's been estimated that as much as 40 percent of what is on a résumé is exaggerated or is an outright untruth: you leave out short stays that didn't work out and merge your dates of employment to show continuity that inconveniently didn't take place; you figure you went to college for three years and did a lot of course work, so why not say you have a degree? You didn't head up the project, but you know your boss is no longer there, and who's to say now that it's so long ago, and hell, you
could
have headed up the project—you worked so damn hard on it . . .

Don't do it! If you lie in the résumé and are caught, nothing will save you. They will not hire you, or if they do and then find out you lied, they will fire you. And I will tell them to do so, since a) that means you lied to me, and b) my interest is in the next deal with this client, and I'm not sullying my reputation to save you.

Here's the saving grace about truth on résumés. Companies hire people who have been fired, people who flunk drug tests, and people who lost major accounts—but only if you come clean
before the fact
. Companies love to forgive; they do not tolerate being played for fools. Don't take the risk; it's just not worth it.

Now don't procrastinate. Go write your résumé before you read the next section. And don't freak out about how the damn thing looks. Don't use logos—the nipple rings of résumés—use a basic Roman font, use white or ivory colored paper, don't use anything smaller than 10-point type, and remember that less is more. Clutter is bad; white space is good. That's all you need to know. Now sit yourself down and write. It's your life. It should flow. It's the ultimate “me” time. Enjoy it. When you're done, you should be reading it and feeling, “I would
totally
hire me!”

If Harper asks me about his chapter on writing résumés, I am going to tell him it was inspiring and I cranked out a draft in twenty minutes. But by nature I buck the system, so I checked if my gym clothes passed the smell test and headed for my workout. But I was thinking of my résumé the entire fifteen-minute drive down the Merritt Parkway.

I had “bragging rights,” as Harper calls them. I have a degree in marketing from a decent school, and while I'm not a programmer, I can fake the tech talk so well most CIOs try to recruit me. I'm attractive—not crazy, jaw-dropping attractive; I'm a child short of being a MILF—and in the prime of my career. Writing the résumé should be simple, given Harper's notes. So why did I have to do a spin class in order to buck up the courage? Was it because I not only had no husband or children to brag about, but because like a startup company's website, that part of my résumé would read “currently under construction”?

Spin classes are all about the instructor and the music. Today I got Eva, a Nazi born long after her time, who kept telling me to keep my butt down, thereby drawing attention to my butt, and who is fond of country and western tunes for the long climbs. I decided as I walked out that spin was not going to make the cut on my résumé's “personal interests” section.

On my way to the locker I saw Cute Guy walking toward me. This was entirely the wrong angle to look at
his
butt, but these are life's little burdens, and I settled for his face, which was, I now noticed, really amazing. Soft brown eyes; sharp, almost jutting
jaw; and silly high cheekbones. But is he scowling at me? I smiled and said “Hi,” and he dismissively rolled his eyes, said, “Right,” and walked by me.

Whatever, buddy. Nice to know my beacon for psychos stays lit like the Olympic torch.

The workout didn't provide the attitude adjustment needed to revamp my résumé. I thought about Harper predicting that video résumés would soon be the accepted format and that the capabilities already exist. I did a Google search and found ProHire-View. The mechanics were simple. For a nominal yearly fee, you could record a video in lieu of the written résumé and attach it to a written profile. They would pretty it up and format it into a professional looking product that they would then send out for you. All you had to do was send them the URLs and job postings. If you had Windows Media and a webcam, you could record and attach within their site.

I decided that I had to try to differentiate myself through the coolest new technique, and it would help me “rough draft” some thoughts in my head. I got out my credit card, joined up, and read through the short tutorial. Hell, you sit in front of the screen and click
RECORD
—I think I can handle it.

I showered, did my hair and make-up, and dressed for cyber success. Seventy-five minutes and four auditioned outfits later, I sat down in front of my webcam, cleared my throat, and double-clicked on
RECORD
.

“Good morning.”

I hit the
STOP
and
REPLAY
buttons. How the hell did I know what time they would be watching this, whoever they are?

“Hi, I'm Casey Matthews. I've attached my résumé in text format, but I wanted you to know something more about me through the wonders of video. As you can see, I've spent my eleven-year career in software sales, mostly in the financial services and supply chain space. In college I took several psychological tests, purely for vocational reasons, and I tested very high for sales. They turned out to be right: I was SAP's top Northeastern rep by the time I was twenty-seven. I took a New York City territory from zero to eight million dollars in fifteen months, opening accounts like Bank of America and Goldman Sachs. My ambition, after more sales seasoning and more years of record-setting production, would be sales management, and eventually marketing or strategy management. I look forward to speaking with you soon. My contact info is attached.”

I hit
STOP
. What a bunch of crap! It's what they want to hear, and as I replayed it, I decided it wasn't half bad. That made me more upset. I hit
RECORD
again.

“Casey Matthews here, opting for honesty. I need a job. You have posted an opening. And there you have it. I quit my last job. I was doing well. I could have stayed. You don't believe me? I don't blame you. Who does that? At the time, I felt my life lacked
meaning and that I was at a crossroads. Now my life lacks meaning
and
income, and I remain at the crossroads. But let's cut to the chase. Look at my résumé. I can sell. Call me in the next ninety minutes and I'll knock ten percent off my salary.”

I hit
STOP
, played it back, and hit
ERASE
. I sat back on my couch and remembered going to the primary school where my sister teaches for Career Day. My niece Sheila was going to talk about her parents' jobs. Todd is an ophthalmologist. Sheila stood in front of the class and said, “My mommy helps little kids become smarter, and Daddy makes sure people can see the things they need to see.” My heart didn't break, but there was a hairline fracture.

I sat up and hit
RECORD
.

“My name is Casey, and I'm a little lost. I'm a complete control freak, and yet I have never really had control. I truly believe love conquers all, and yet I can never summon the courage to fight for it. I sell because I want people, usually men, to like me, and then I resent them when I pull it off. I want to be smarter, but instead of reading I watch movies. I want to be patient and kinder, but everyone bores me except Harper, and the longer I am unemployed even he is wearing thin. I am so scared and so furious at myself for being weak enough to be scared. Thanks for your time.”

I hit
ERASE
, sat at my desk, and tried to decide if crying would help. And then I heard the chirp of a text message.

I have an interview for you! Say goodbye and thanks to your host at the pity party and meet me at the Darien Country Club at 4
P.M.
Dress like a golfer.

Harper, I never doubted you! Suddenly, almost magically, I was sick of being sick of myself. I sat down and wrote my résumé in twenty-five minutes. Now, how do you dress like a golfer?

CHAPTER SIX

Harper read through my résumé in seven seconds, nodded, folded it in half, and stuffed it in his golf bag. I glared at him.

“What? I don't need your résumé. The rest of the world does.”

“Then why did you make me crazy over it?”

“Because you need it to bring to interviews and attach to postings, and frankly, it kept you from bugging me. I have a job to do and a book to write. The life of an artist is exhausting.”

He took out a micro recorder. He didn't look exhausted. I thought we were having lunch, but instead I had a pile of balls and some women's rental clubs. Harper had his director's chair, a glass of iced tea, and an umbrella to shade himself. For the fifth straight time, I swung back with the driver and hit the green rubber mat five inches behind the ball. I looked at Harper furiously, but he held his finger over his lips. He turned the recorder on and said, “Finding Your Own Job—High Touch and High Tech.”

He looked at me and pressed
PAUSE
.

“What? I'll have my secretary transcribe it. Don't be so judgmental. Turn your left shoulder behind the ball, but don't lift your head.”

I swung at the ball and this time hit it sideways into the wooden wall that bordered my station, and it bounced back at me. I shrieked and jumped out of the way. Harper sensed his imminent danger, took a club out of my bag, and motioned for me to move aside.

He set himself, waggled, and then made a long, languid pass at the ball. It was as if he wasn't trying to hit the ball; he just let the shot happen. The ball rocketed off the
ground and went so high into the sky and so deep down the range that it went past all the markers. Harper put the club back in the bag without even waiting to see where the ball dropped.

“Look, Bagger Vance, what about the interview you said you had for me?”

“We're not here just to talk about your interview. I am going to teach you how you can get even more interviews without me by utilizing your network. People find their own jobs 86 percent of the time. Headhunters, Internet job sites, and career boards kill themselves for a small portion of the pie that would be smaller if people knew what they were doing. So I'm going to tell you and record it, so I get a chapter out of it. That's called a win/win.”

“But there is an interview, right?”