Harper's Rules (6 page)

I decided to accept the fact that I might always be alone, that no one is coming to rescue me, that it was time to act. I plugged in the shredder, and started working my way through the pile. It was a joke.

I am unemployed; why do I need a housekeeper every two weeks? She's gone. I can clean my own house. (I can feel myself regretting this already . . . the deep clean in the toilets? Eww! How far the mighty fall.)

The $200 haircut from fabulous Simon that I drive all the way into the East Village for is on hold until I get a job.

Why do I still have a landline? I can live with just my cell phone. Of course sometimes the signal is weak . . . NO! Cancel the landline; we are taking order back in this damn house!

Starbucks can go without the high-priced organic food and just eat Fancy Feast like every other damn cat! On cue, she jumped on the table and rubbed her head against my face. Oh fine, you get your damn IAMS, but no landline!

For the first time in my adult life, I added up my monthly expenses. I have not only not cut down on my spending, but with my added time off, I have been doing
more
shopping. I have been in such denial.

I took a respite from my pile of gloom and went to Google. I put in the phrase: how much an unemployed person should have in savings. I had 14,000 results to choose from, and they all said the same thing: at least six months of living expenses.

Okay, if I am employed in the next two months, I will not have to break into CDs or (gulp) my 401(k). And I will cheerfully kill myself before asking my father for money, but I am squandering my severance, and the scary truth is, at first, I turned down the severance package. I told them I didn't need it.

Because I would be the primary money earner in our marriage, Donald offered to sign a prenuptial agreement. Gracious, right?

However, I am a romantic. To me, if you have a pre nup, you are saying the marriage will fail. I couldn't sign a pre nup and then stand before God and make vows about forever. I called Donald and said I wanted no part of a pre nup.

I took the same attitude with my career. To talk about severance was to admit failure before we attempted to succeed. Severance was as unromantic as alimony!

When I first worked with Harper, I told him I didn't approve of severance.

“Nonsense, baby girl. I will get you a severance, and you will take it cheerfully.”

“I have certain principles, Harper, and you represent me.”

“It's an idiotic principle, and I won't allow it.”

“Do you have a pre nup, Harper?”

“Yes.”

“Of course you do. Do you have a severance at work as well? Even though you keep telling me you are the top headhunter in creation, and everyone tries to hire you day and night?”

“That is an exaggeration, though slight, and you bet I have a severance, one much better than I can get for you.”

“Why?”

He lowered his voice, and I could hear him almost grit his teeth.

“Because, Casey, I am not the person I was ten years ago, and I will not be the person I am now in ten years. And neither will my boss or my wife. I cannot predict circumstances or changes of heart, and for you to think you can makes you incredibly and unbearably arrogant. It is an insult to God.”

“To God?! So the one time I ever hear you make a spiritual reference is when we are talking about separation agreements in a comp plan?”

“You want spiritual references? Meet me at St. Mary's on Farmington Ave at 7:30 this Sunday. Haven't missed a mass in years. You?”

That was a low blow. I was on airplanes all week. Of course, since I left my job I still continue to sleep in on Sundays. I had no idea how much fatigue not working can create. There is no rest for the unweary.

“Okay, here's spiritual: I think accepting a severance is bad karma, Harper. It makes me feel like I'm creating a bad end for myself. I know that sounds crazy to you.”

“No. It sounds young.” And then, for the first time, he called me by the nickname he would use in the years that have followed.

“Look, kiddo, things end.” He sounded far away when he said it.

“Businesses go bankrupt, the fastest guy blows out a knee, the sweetest little boy becomes the meanest teenager, jobs get eliminated, you fall out of love, and parents and friends die. Things end, kiddo.”

“Don't they preach cheery thoughts over at St. Mary's?”

“Severance is sacred. Non-negotiable.”

“I can tell. Okay. I will defer to your judgment.”

Now that I am living off my severance, thank God I listened. Not that I will ever admit that to Harper.

I opened the bottom right drawer of the big oak desk, and in my “Harper” file was his severance email from my first job. He was writing “Harper's Rules” even then.

HARPER'S RULES
Severance Made Simple

1. Duration. A standard severance is one week's pay for every year you served the company. If you leave in the first two years, for any reason, you automatically get two weeks' pay.
   
2. Vacation/Personal Time. You also receive monies equivalent to all the vacation time, personal days, and sick days you had accrued.
   
3. Health Benefits. Your health benefits stay intact and are paid by the company throughout the duration of the severance. After the severance has lapsed, you have the option of carrying your benefits yourself via a COBRA plan for eighteen additional months.
   
4. Still on Payroll. For purposes of outside inquiry, references, customers, or vendors, you are on the payroll. You will retain a voice mail and email account, and you will not be removed from the company website nor will any announcement be made of you leaving the company until the severance period is up.
   
5. References. The company will provide written references for future employers, to be reviewed and approved by the separated employee. (We may need to negotiate this if you leave in someone's bad graces or if you just plain do a bad job. My advice? Do neither. )
   
6. Outplacement services. The company will provide, at its expense, access to résumé writing services, printing services, phone and Internet, and admin support. This includes an office or workspace. Third-party outplacement service fees will be available at the employee's discretion, to a maximum of 10K.
   
7. Bonuses/incentives. All profit bonuses and/or performance bonuses that would have been paid in the calendar year of the severance period will be paid by the end of the severance period.
   
8. No Retro Payback. The employee will not be asked to return or reimburse any sign-on bonuses, merit bonus, or contest or incentive prizes, such as trips or meals. This includes relocation expenses at the time of hire.
   
9. Company car. The employee will have the option of buying the provided vehicle or returning it.
   
10. Equity. If equity earned is fully vested, the employee may cash out or may choose to stay an investor in the company.
    
11. Tuition. If the employee has begun classes under a tuition reimbursement program, the company will pay for the classes in full.
    

I had to smile at Harper's postscript. “PS: I know the company car is a Camry, and you wouldn't be caught dead driving one. Work with me here!”

I put the “Harper” file away and remembered how scared I used to be that Donald might find it. Harper flirted in email, and I wondered if any of the clippings I had printed out and attached had any of my replies included.

I felt guilty and a little dirty, though I had never even so much as touched Harper. Whenever he was on the phone, Donald would refer to him as “your buddy.” There was never any other discussion of the matter until the very end, when my humiliation had become public, and I was asking Donald how he could sleep with another woman in our bed.

“Go ahead,” Donald snarled, “make me out to be a monster. You can't make me feel any worse than I do, but take away the sex, and the only difference between Sasha and Harper is a matter of degree. It's the same intention.”

Had we signed a divorce agreement during that period, I would have demanded things I really didn't care about just to hurt Donald. In fact, Connecticut has a ninety-day grace period after you file for divorce precisely to let everyone cool down. We were the better for it, but there is no such grace period at work. Companies should take a page from the dissolution of marriages and institute a “no fault” rule, where no one can quit or fire anyone for ninety days, until everyone has cooled down.

But Harper would say that is idealistic and not going to happen. In the meantime, we need severance agreements.

CHAPTER FIVE

When you're unemployed you find out that the day, which was impossibly short for everything you were trying to cram into it before, actually creeps by. You start wondering why more housewives haven't written screenplays and what is taking so long to cure cancer. However, despite the increased amount of time, you still get almost nothing done.

So as I summoned the energy to sit down to write my résumé, with Harper's help, (after the diner visit, he anointed me as ready) the phone rang, and I remembered: telemarketing calls come in all day long. If you don't pick up, they don't leave messages, so I had no idea this was happening when I was working or when Donald and I were both gone all day. Lately a tenacious salesperson, one Peter Bonetti, had called every day at various times and had even left a couple of messages, but while I respected his salesmanship, I would just delete the message without listening to it. After all, I had a résumé to write.

HARPER'S RULES
Résumés

There are two kinds of candidates. The first kind has a great background that I can bring to market but has a terrible résumé. These candidates think it's impossible to fairly encapsulate their vast life's work in such a short form. They hate their résumés. The second kind has the opposite problem. They believe that had Moses an eleventh tablet, it would have been their résumé. When they first sit down, they take the sacred text from their briefcases, handling it like an ancient scroll or a treasure map. Often the first thing this type of candidate will say to me is, “So, what did you think of my résumé?” as if it were a grandchild or a protégé. This kind of candidate will turn down a tremendous job offer if they feel “it won't look good on my résumé.” Such reasoning is the equivalent of a man saying he would be
happy to marry his beloved, except it would look bad later to be referred to as someone's “ex-husband.”

All of my fellow headhunters will be thrilled when the résumé, which is on the endangered species list, breathes its last. Technically, it is already extinct. Video résumés will be the standard. Some companies already offer the service.

But for now, and for the near term, you need a résumé. No résumé, no interview; you are removed from serious consideration because you're either a prima donna or not serious about making a move. It is one of the first red flags to a headhunter that you are a “shopper.”

Understand: To date,
I have never placed a résumé!
But I have also never secured a first meeting for a real job at a major corporation without submitting a résumé, dossier, curriculum vitae, call it what you will. It's a must have. And it must be good! If it's not of a certain quality, make no mistake, they will discard you. Here's the truth about the “system” of reviewing résumés:
Companies want to screen OUT, not screen IN.
So if something small is wrong, you don't get the benefit of the doubt, you get screened. You lose. Got it?

So let's not let that happen.

Your résumé is an advertisement; it is not an affidavit.

We're not selling your memoir here. We're not going to include anything that's not true, but we're sure going to leave out some stuff that is.

Your résumé is a highlight film; it's SportsCenter, not the unedited game footage.

We have between five and fifteen seconds to catch your reader's attention before they either engage or pass. We're going to compress, assuming everyone you send your résumé to has Adult Attention Deficit Disorder.

If God had a résumé, it would be one page.

I know, I know: you've done so much, you have awards, you have honors, you have so many years of excellence. Wake up! Nobody reads the second page. Nobody cares about anything in your background older than ten years back (unless you're 25–35 years old). No one cares how you were
formed
; they care about what you bring to bear in the job they're trying to fill and whether you are qualified. Remember, the purpose of the résumé is to
get an interview
. Period.

Harper's cynical side, always present at the cellular level, seemed to metastasize when it came to résumés. But then I remembered cruising Monster yesterday just to get a look at some sample résumés and going brain dead within a few moments.

Besides, when Harper gets cynical, I sort of love him, the way you love to see gorillas stretch at the zoo. You want to hug them, even though you know they could crush you.

The phone rang. The name on the screen was Peter Bonetti. God bless you, buddy. Whoever you work for ought to promote you for sheer tenacity. I hit the
END
button on the second ring.

Don't overthink it.

Do it all in one sitting. It's one page, for crying out loud. It's your life; you are your own research. Don't waste days looking up dates and calling your old companies and friends to document details. While you're investigating, others are getting hired.

Don't start with your “career objective.”

This says, “Hi, I'm an amateur.” Unless you are a recent college grad, I don't care what you want; I care about what my company needs done. We'll talk about what
you
want at your second interview, when I'm trying to make you happy. Remember, what I really want is to screen you out. Don't make it easier for me.