Heart Echoes (25 page)

“Extenuating excuses. Come on, Teal. You're the adult. You understand that she needs this information. She has a father wound just like you do. If it doesn't get addressed, she's likely to act out again, which is what the Jake thing was all about.” He paused.

She wanted to cover her ears.

He said, “Which is what your behavior was all about, right? Why you slept with him and kept the baby?”

The lies again. Lies about not being good enough. Lies about using others and being used to fill the emptiness, that place that hurt so bad because her dad had bailed. Lies about keeping a baby because then she would have someone who loved her.

No, she was not ready to open the closet. She reached for a compromise. “I'm not telling her tomorrow.”

“Okay. It's your decision.”

She met his steady gaze. “Okay. We agree to disagree.”

He didn't blink or budge.

She loathed and loved how he could do that, nail her with The Look, the one he used with his boys.

It did not mean he was pressing her to change her mind but rather to examine herself. It always sent her thoughts spinning. No one else could do that to her. It was probably what attracted her to him in the first place.

She gave him her own look.
Don't mess with me.

He was supposed to uncross his arms and shrug.

But he didn't.

Fine.
She had done enough self-examination in the past five weeks to last forever. She was in good shape, considering. The family reunion had been difficult, but in the end made a positive impact on her. The Dutch meeting had been less fiasco than wake-up call to let the memory of him go. Maiya had gotten to know her relatives, almost
all
of them, and it was more than enough to fill her emotional tank.

Teal held out her hands in defeat. “Whatever it is you want to say, say it. I can take it.”

Although he kept his arms folded, the air about him relaxed. “I'm not asking you to tell me anything.”

“All right.”

“I want to make sure you fully realize that it's not exactly rocket science to figure out who he is.”

Heat exploded in her chest and burned its way up her neck.

He said, “Anyone who saw and heard what I did in Cedar Pointe could figure it out. Lacey and Will for sure. Maybe his parents. Maybe even Maiya.”

Her cheeks felt on fire. How could she tell River? It wasn't the identity exactly. It was the circumstances. It was the betrayal of so many people. It was herself, sin incarnate.

Could others really and truly guess who he was?

With difficulty she swallowed. “Please don't . . .”

“Teal, I won't tell anyone. No one said anything. It's just fairly obvious.”

“I'm sorry.”

“I'm not the one you need to apologize to. And it's not just Maiya that you're hurting. It's her uncle and grandparents.” His voice was barely a whisper. “It's her dad who must not even know she exists.”

She studied the floor tiles. The flecked beige had been a good choice. A shiny ceramic brightened the narrow kitchen and did not show every speck of dirt. River's bare feet came into her line of sight.

“You needed to hear that.”

“Yeah.” She looked up at him. “Um . . . I don't know how to get out of this. Can we not go to bed angry?”

“Hey, you.” He wrapped her in his arms again. “I am not mad. I hurt for you. You're behaving like a silly, delusional woman, and that is not who you are. I had hopes that you would take off the mask.”

She winced, glad that her shameful face was hidden against his neck. She was totally silly and delusional.

But it worked.

Chapter 43

“Brake lights, two cars up.” River thrust his foot against the floorboard and braced his hand on the dash.

Maiya laughed. “Got it under control, Riv. Hey, did you know there's no brake pedal on that side of the car?”

“Ha-ha.” He relaxed as she slowed the car in the nick of time. “Hey, did you know there will be no driving privileges if you insist on kissing the bumper ahead of you at every single stoplight?”

“Hey, did you know there are no traffic lights in Camp Poppycock and absolutely no traffic?”

“You're saying you're out of practice.”

“Yes, sir. I'll get back my LA skills in no time.” She glanced at him with her best smile of cooperation, an innocent expression she'd developed long before he had met her.

It still caught him off guard, though. He really was much better with boys. “Did you get a DMV appointment?”

“Two weeks from Thursday.”

“Nothing before that?”

“I could get one next Friday, but I don't want to miss the auction setup.”

“Maiya, getting your license is a huge deal. You don't need to postpone it any longer. There will be plenty of help, and you'll be there on Saturday.”

Although the academy boys worked for weeks on collecting and organizing items for the annual fund-raiser, the day before always became crunch time. It had grown into a staff family event with spouses and children pitching in on last-minute touches. Teal would take off half a day from work and pull Maiya out of school early so they could help.

He said, “Besides that, you've missed enough school for one semester, don't you think?”

“Guess what? We get out early that day because of a teachers' meeting.”

River wondered, not for the first time, what it would be like teaching in a public school with all the extra days spent without the students. He'd probably be bored silly.

She said, “You know how much I like the auction weekend. Speaking of kissing . . .”

“We were talking about kissing?”

“Bumpers.” Traffic moved and they were off again. She focused on driving, but like her mother, the queen of jabberwocky could talk and do three other things simultaneously. “Jake and the new girlfriend are history.”

River did some mental gymnastics and caught up with her train of thought. “Jake's available again and he'll be at the setup with other grads.”

Maiya glanced at him. “But I'm not interested.”

“But you want to be at Saint Sibs Friday because he will be, and if your mother's not looking, your paths may cross.”

“Okay, so I'd like to talk to him. I need some closure, you know? That's all.”

“Will this involve kissing?”

“No. That was just my clever segue.”

“Cute. Have you been in touch with him?”

“No way! Amber caught me up. She got it from Claire, who got it from Ben, who got it from Heather, who got it from Pablo, who knows him.”

It was like an endless begat list from the Old Testament.

She went on. “But what's up with his trial? Nobody knows.”

That was good to hear. The details were as crazy as a soap opera and did not need to get twisted into wilder stories. Some girl unrelated to the whole business had been arrested for something. As part of her plea bargain she outed Jake's now ex-girlfriend as the one who let him inside the high school building that fateful day.

River measured his words. “This isn't for public consumption yet.”

“Got it.”

“It looks like he'll be put on probation. He hasn't been in trouble since he was a juvenile. He has a good job and work ethic.” He stopped himself from further extolling Jake's good characteristics. Talking Maiya into liking him wasn't the point. “Other than that stupid stunt at the school, his record is clear. But about talking to him, you'll have to bring your mom in on that discussion.” He wasn't getting anywhere near giving Maiya permission to see Jake. “Or I will. I won't keep secrets from her.”

“Nope. Got enough of those going around.”

He held in a snap reply.
You got that right.

She signaled and turned into a lot. “The outlet store is here. They've got the best gift bags and they're cheap.”

It was a strip mall, Sunday-afternoon crazy busy. River let her find a spot by herself.

He had offered to run errands with Maiya; Teal had offered to stay home and do laundry. Although they had gone to church together that morning, he felt they were both more comfortable with some distance between them. Last night's discussion lay heavy on him. The dark circles under her eyes said it did likewise with her.

Fine. If she wanted to wallow in her delusional idiocy, that was her own fault.

Maybe there was some anger in him.

“River.”

Her use of his full name got his attention. “What?”

She turned off the engine and looked at him. “Will it hurt your feelings if I say I want to know who my dad is?”

“Maiya, no, not at all. I've told you that.”

“Yeah, but I wanted to make double sure.”

He nodded and unhooked his seat belt. “It's for double sure. You and I have a good relationship, right?”

“Definitely.”

“I'm not threatened, hon. Your heart has room for both of us.”

She smiled wistfully. “Kind of like yours with Mom and Krissy?”

Oh, man.

“And with me and Sammy.”

“Uh, yeah, I guess.”

“You won't leave Mom, will you?”

“Why—? No, never. I love you two. I hated it when you were gone.” He figured her real question had to do with abandonment. Would her surrogate dad leave her like she thought her biological father had? “Minnie McMouse, I promise I won't ever leave her or you.”

“But all you two have been doing lately is arguing, and Mom and I were away for so long, and . . .” She shrugged.

This line of thinking was most likely a remnant of conversation with her friend. Amber came from a solid family. Her parents had been married years before the birth of their two daughters. The Prices did not separate for long periods of time. Or even short periods, now that he thought about it.

He gently tugged Maiya's ponytail. “You know your mom and I don't shy away from disagreeing. The lawyer in her won't allow it, and I'm not about to back down from some opinionated Xena just because she's the most beautiful, intriguing woman in the world.”

Maiya giggled.

“Listen, this is just life. Granted, being away from each other was a tough one, but we're learning from it. It'll pass.”

“If I knew who my dad was, maybe it'd pass sooner.”

“This is not your fault.”

She shrugged, unconvinced. “But if I knew . . .”

“Didn't you tell your mom you don't want to know?”

She looked away and frowned. “I felt so bad about making her go and meet Dutch.
That
was my fault. She so totally lost it. Seeing her like that really scared me. I can't make her do something else she doesn't want to do. I won't.”

River groaned to himself.
I can't. I won't.
Was she Teal's daughter or what?

Maiya said, “And if Bio Dad is like Dutch, I don't ever want to meet him. But—” she turned to him, her eyes wide and her youthful face a picture of hope—“Nora got me thinking. She said maybe he's not like Dutch at all. Maybe he would care about me. Maybe I even have grandparents and half siblings! Imagine that! They'd probably be younger. I'd be a big sister. That would be cool. As long as the stepmother wasn't one of those ugly ones from a fairy tale.”

He thought his heart might break in two. He could dispel Maiya's angst in a flash. With one phone call to Will, he could have the man's phone number. In less than ten minutes, Maiya could conceivably be talking to her biological father. She would learn that yes, indeed, he was a decent guy and that she did have half siblings. From the sounds of it, the stepmother might even be wholesome and welcoming.

After that, she could talk to her grandparents. She could say “grandma” and “grandpa” to them instead of “Nora” and “William.”

But his hands were tied. This was Teal's bailiwick.

“Riv, do you think he'd like me?”

Now his heart cracked open. He held his breath, willing his chest not to let go of the sob sitting in it.

“I mean,” she whispered, “as a fortysomething dad, you might have an idea?” Her forest-green eyes reflected the Oregon pines.

He imagined Staff Sergeant Cody Janski's eyes were that same shade.

“Maiya, I know he would like you very much. What is there not to like?”

“Oh, lots.”

“Bunch of hooey.” He paused. “Hon, if you want to know who he is, then you have to tell your mom.”

“Nooo.” She paused. “Will you tell her?”

He shut his eyes and struggled with how much he could reveal and yet not malign his wife.

“Please, please, River?”

He looked at her. “Hon, I already have told her. So let's give it a rest. Give her time to think about it. Okay?”

Maiya's lips trembled, but ever her mother's daughter, she rallied. “'Kay. Thanks.” She held up her hand for a high five. “WFM.”

He slapped her palm. “Works for me, too.”

For now.

Three times a year, River visited the cemetery. In March, on Krissy's birthday. In June, on their wedding anniversary. And today, October 11, the day he lost her and their unborn son.

He sat on a concrete bench in front of a marble block about the size of a large playhouse. The mausoleum still seemed newfangled to him with its rows of marble frontispieces. Eight up and eight across on all four sides. Open to the elements, not exactly a building per se. Only ashes were allowed to enter.

He let the memories come. Those first hours and days after the accident—and no, he would not call it a divine appointment—were hazy. The single moment of clarity was when he said, “Cremation. Entombment.”

Krissy had been steeped in practicality. As a liaison for the Environmental Protection Agency, she told people how to dispose of trash. She would laugh, saying no one could get more practical than dealing with garbage. They met when she gave a seminar at San Sebastian Academy.

With her pregnancy, Krissy had gotten more practical than ever. They needed a will. He needed to know that she wanted her body to be cremated. A green urn in a corner of his closet would suffice, or working the ashes into their garden was even better.

But he couldn't. He wanted a place to visit like he had with his parents and so he had said, “Entombment.”

He glanced around now, inhaled the dry scent of a sycamore that shaded the area. Krissy would approve, in part, anyway. The drought-tolerant desertscape majored on rock, cacti, succulents, wildflowers. Not a blade of grass was visible around her and Sammy's place.

He looked at their names chiseled on the gray marble square, grateful for his sister's input. Jenny had brought him to this spot before the funeral and pushed him onto a bench. The mausoleum was a fairly new structure; spaces were available in every row on every side. “Eye level,” she had said. “Choose where you can see without getting a crick in your neck.”

And so he always sat in that same seat and gazed straight ahead, first square on the left, third row up.
Kristina Ann Samuel Adams.
Her dates.
Samuel River Adams, Son.

She hadn't been sure of the first name. He insisted it was perfect to use her maiden name. She said Samuel Adams was the name of a beer. He said that first and foremost he was a signer of the Declaration of Independence. She said okay, but only if they used River's name in the middle. He hadn't fully agreed to that until it came time for the engraving.

Eleven years had passed. The intensity of the image of Krissy had lessened as time went on. He looked less often at her photo. His imaginary conversations with her grew infrequent. But three times a year he could sit and distinctly recall her face and her voice.