Heart of Light (13 page)

Jolene rolled her eyes. “I’ll be fine, Elsie. Don’t worry about me.”

She got up from the couch and headed to the front door, glancing at Jolene, her expression genuine. “But you’re my friend. It’s my job to worry about you. Call me if you need me.”

Jolene remained silent as Elsie left and sank into the chair, amazed at how different her life had become in just a few short days. When she fled Chicago on that bus, she had every expectation of being alone for a while, keeping to herself. Never in a million years did she anticipate having one friend. Now here she was, forming an entire circle of close friends…and maybe even something more.

A gentle rapping on the window woke her from her thoughts. She turned her attention to the front door to see her “something more” standing on the deck. Her eyes lit up and she made her way over to the screen door, opening it for Cam to enter.

“I’m wet,” he said breathlessly.

Jolene giggled. “Sounds like a personal problem, if you ask me.”

“Love that smart mouth, Tomorrow.” He gave her a heated look, unable to tear his eyes away from her beautiful lips.

She crossed her arms in front of her chest and leaned against the door jam, trying to keep her eyes trained on Cam’s boyish face. The more time she spent with him, the more difficult it was becoming to not gawk at his body. He was the first man she could recall being attracted to, and she felt like a horny teenager whenever he was near.

“So, is there a reason you’re standing on my deck dripping water everywhere?” She attempted to control her breathing.

“Well, first off, technically, it’s my deck. But what’s mine is yours, so that point is kind of moot. Second, the reason I’m here is because I was wondering if you wanted to go for a walk.”

“With you?” Jolene asked, her voice rising in pitch from obvious surprise at his invitation.

“Don’t sound so shocked.” He winked at her and the sparkle in his eyes made her feel completely weak.

“Don’t you work?”

“Yes, I do, but I don’t have to be there until this afternoon. So what do you say? Spend some time with me. Get to know me. Let me show you that I’m really not the prick you thought I was when you first met me.”

Cam stared as she nervously pulled her bottom lip between her teeth. It was taking all his resolve to not kiss her. He wanted to taste her lips more than he could remember wanting anything in his recent memory.

“Come on,” he pleaded, his voice soft and gentle. “It’s just a walk. We don’t even have to talk. I just want your company. That’s all.” He leaned in, his mouth hovering just above her forehead. “Jolene.”

Hearing him say her name in such a delicate manner made her want to melt. That was all he ever had to do and she was done for. Staring into his heartfelt eyes, she had a feeling that he wasn’t going to leave until she agreed.

“Okay, surfer boy. Let’s go for a walk.” She stepped out onto the deck, making sure to lock up behind her. Nervous energy coursed through her body as she followed Cam to the sand, walking by his side.

“Have you been in the water yet?” he asked, trying to strike up some sort of conversation. The silence was making him somewhat flustered. He couldn’t recall ever being so on edge in the presence of a woman.

“Nope,” Jolene responded, looking over at the horizon, children squealing with delight every time a wave unexpectedly covered their feet with salt water. The innocence of the excitement in their eyes made her long for her own childhood and her own innocence. Both of those things had been ripped maliciously from her.

“What’s going through that brain of yours right now?”

She returned her attention to the tall man she was walking with. “Oh, no. I don’t think so, Dr. Surfer Man.”

He chuckled. “Surfer
man
? So I’ve been upgraded from boy to man? What prompted that change?”

“Well, you finally started acting your age. I figured it was time to promote you.” She raised her eyebrows at him.

Cam’s lips turned up slightly at the corner before he faced forward again, shoving his hands in the pockets of his board shorts. “So, I take it Elsie told you… I mean, from you calling me
Doctor
Surfer
Man
.” He glanced at her, gauging her reaction.

“Yup. She did. Why?” She tilted her head at him. He looked nervous. It was one of the most adorable faces Jolene had seen in quite some time and she knew that it was her presence and questions that caused it. “Were you trying to keep that from me?”

“No. Not at all,” he answered quickly, running his hands through his hair. “Well, I guess part of me didn’t want you to know. People act differently around me once they know that I’m a psychiatrist. They think that I’m constantly analyzing everything they do and say, but I’m not and I won’t. I want you to feel comfortable around me. I want you to be yourself.”

Jolene shook her head faintly. “I don’t even know
how
to be myself. I don’t even know who that is anymore.” Her voice was quiet and thoughtful as the words left her mouth.

“I know who you are.”

Jolene stopped abruptly. Her eyes grew wide and her heart dropped to the pit of her stomach, hoping that he was just talking metaphorically and that
he
hadn’t plastered her photo all over the web.

“You’re a bewitching woman,” he started, facing her. “You have the most crystal blue eyes that I’ve ever seen and it almost seems like they don’t belong on your face, but I’m glad they are.”

She breathed a sigh of relief as she lost herself in his eyes. The fire behind his gaze had an intensity unlike any she had seen or experienced. It was the look every little girl dreams someone will give them. For the first time in her life, she was completely breathless in the presence of a caring and compassionate man, and she didn’t want the moment to end.

“You have a smart mouth and a quick wit that makes me smile just thinking about the things you say, even when I’m not with you.”

She lowered her head, blushing.

“You’re mysterious.” He took a step closer, wanting to feel the heat coming off her body but, at the same time, remaining cognizant of her boundaries. “You have secrets and a past you’re running from. I have a feeling that anyone who has been through what I think you went through would do the same thing, but I’m not so sure they would handle it as well as you are. It’s the easiest thing in the world to give up when you’ve been dealt a shit hand, but to actually hold your head up high and move on with your life regardless of your past? That’s showing immeasurable strength. Jolene, the one thing I am absolutely certain of is that you’re one of the strongest women I’ve met in a long time.”

Her chin quivered and she bit her lip, trying to hide her emotions. She had spent maybe a total of an hour with Cam but, yet, he was able to see her for who she was. He still wanted to spend time with her, regardless of her baggage, and the thought thrilled her and made her hopeful that she could move on from her past.

“I didn’t mean to make you upset. I just wanted you to see that I am a nice guy, that I do care for you. Would a complete prick have noticed all that about you?” He winked, hoping to get a laugh out of her.

“Probably not,” she replied.

Cam had to restrain himself as she wiped the tears from her eyes. He desperately wanted to be the one to comfort her when she was sad or upset, but he knew it would have to wait. She needed time to learn how to trust him.

They continued along the shoreline, heading south. Jolene picked up rocks, throwing them into the ocean. After a few silent minutes, she turned to Cam.

“What’s the deal with the beach house? Benny mentioned that you hadn’t stepped foot in it. Is there a reason for that?”

“You know what?” he responded, lifting his head back and staring at a flock of seagulls flying overhead in the humid summer air. “At first, I hated the thought of being in that house. I bought it in a rash move, worried that someone would buy it and demolish it to rebuild. It happens a lot on this island, especially on the northern end. A beachfront house goes up for sale and it gets snatched up by someone wanting to turn the property into condos. I hated the idea of someone ruining this end of the island with high-rise condos. And…I guess I wanted to hold on to the memories I had of the woman that lived there for a few months.”

“What happened?”

“Not much to tell.” He gazed thoughtfully across the shore toward the pier down in the distance. “She appeared out of nowhere one day and caught my eye. I finally worked up the nerve to talk to her and noticed that she was sad about something. After getting her to open up about her past, I realized that she was in love with someone else back home, but was too scared to admit it. I knew that she would never carry the same feelings for me that I did for her and encouraged her to leave and confront her fears. There’s a lot more to the story, but that’s the abridged version.”

“You loved her, didn’t you?” She cocked her head and looked at Cam.

“I thought I did, or maybe I just loved the
idea
of her. I’m starting to think that it was the latter.” His eyes met hers and he gave her a boyish smile.

“So why didn’t you want to go in the house?” A confused look spread across her face.

“It was always a rather difficult reminder of everything I had been through with this girl. Of everything that I had thought I lost.”

Jolene bowed her head. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring up any painful memories.”

“You see, that’s the thing,” he said urgently, facing her once more. “I thought they
were
painful. But here I am, talking to you about it all, and it doesn’t bother me. It’s actually rather liberating. You should try it. Talking about it, I mean.”

She turned her head to the shore, forcefully throwing a rock into the ocean, surprising Cam.

“What? What is it, Jolene?”

“Nothing. But you can be certain that I can’t talk about any of it.”

Her reaction caught him off-guard. With each conversation, he learned another piece of the puzzle that made up the enigma that was Jolene. He was anxious to fill in all the missing pieces, but knew that she was frightened to share her past. Still, he wanted to know more.

“Why don’t you like being touched?” he asked quietly in a bold move.

Jolene stopped dead in her tracks, glaring at him. “I just don’t, alright?” she hissed, her voice raised. “And it’s none of your fucking business why I act the way I do. I see what you’re trying to do,
Doctor
.” She spun around and stormed back toward the house, wanting to get far away from his prying, yet consoling, eyes.

“What, Jolene? What am I doing? I just want to get to know you. I want to spend time with you, and I need to know why certain things set you off so that I don’t do them!” He ran along the shore, catching up to her, stopping short when he almost reached out and grabbed her arm to force her to talk to him.

Feeling him approach behind her, she reeled around. The expression on her face was fierce. “You’ve been a therapist for far too long. You need to get it out of your head that you can help me.” The ocean wind whipped her hair in front of her face and her voice rose in anger. “You can’t! No one can! So just stop! Stop taking an interest in me! Stop with the whole nice guy act because, based on my experience, that’s all it is!” she cried through her tears, her voice becoming barely audible. “A fucking act.”

She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply before opening them, the pain of what she had experienced the past decade of her life visible in the look of unease on her face. She took a step closer, her eyes remaining glued to Cam’s.

“You show up on my doorstep acting like my savior when the world has gone to shit. You tell me how you’ll look after me and protect me. And you know what those are?” She could see the hurt that her words were causing him, but she didn’t care.

“Lies, Cam,” she said quietly. “Just lies. You say you’ll help me and watch over me, but you’ll turn. I can’t… I can’t go through that again. Please. I beg you. Just stay away from me.” She spun around and began walking briskly away from him.

“You don’t have to do this, Jolene!” he shouted, running to catch up with her. “You don’t have to choose fear.”

“Yes, I do,” she insisted, turning to face him once more. “It’s the only way that
he
won’t…”

“You can choose me instead,” he interrupted.

Her breath caught at his unexpected reply. “Cam, I…” She trailed off, hiding her tear-filled eyes.

“Don’t let your fear control you, Jolene,” he implored, his voice soft. He brought his body close to hers. “Please, choose me, not fear. I don’t know exactly what happened to you, but it’s apparent that someone you trusted betrayed you more than you can bear to think about. I don’t want you to think about your past right now, not while you’re with me. I just want you to think about your future. And I’d like it if you could see yourself at least talking to me in the future.” A smile crept across his face. “I couldn’t bear the thought of not listening to your quick wit on a daily basis.”

She couldn’t help but smile when she looked into his puppy-dog eyes, making him appear years younger. “Have I really been that big of a bitch to you?”
 

“Nah. Well, maybe a little bit. But only when I deserved it.” He winked, turning off the beach, leading Jolene back up to the cottage in silence.

“Are you sure you’ll be okay?” he asked as he walked her up to the door.

“That’s a loaded question,” she remarked under her breath.

Cam shrugged. “I know, but for now, at this minute, right now…are you okay?”

She raised her head to meet his eyes, realizing that, at that moment in time, she
was
okay. And she had a feeling that whenever she was with Cam and could look into his gentle, kind eyes, she would be okay.

“Yes,” she said breathlessly. “I’m okay right now.”

“Good.” He beamed at her before checking his dive watch. “I need to get going. I’ll see you in the morning?” he asked, his eyebrows raised.

She nodded.

“Okay. See you later, beautiful.” He winked at her and hopped into his Wrangler.

Jolene waved before heading through her front door, Cam’s words about her future ringing in her ears. She paced the house, the entire time thinking about Cam and her attraction to him, still concerned that her relationship with him could put his life at risk. Could she really choose Cam? For the past decade of her life, fear was all she had known.