Heartbeat (21 page)

I woke up just how I’d fallen asleep. Buried in Harris’ arms. Ever since he’d found me in that condemned house, he been my shadow. For the last three months, everywhere I went, Harris followed. He even came along to my counseling sessions. He would wait outside the room reading magazines as I talked to the psychologist, trying to deal with the post-traumatic stress I’d been diagnosed with.

With each passing day, I was getting better, I was healing. Charlie and Lake had been my strong support system, but Harris had been my foundation. All I could do was laugh at how I’d been so close to writing love off completely, and here God had sent this man to me. He was an answer to a prayer I never prayed but I was thankful for him.

When I stirred in his arms, he groaned and turned over. “You up?”

I climbed out of bed, feeling better than I’d felt in weeks. “I want pancakes.”

Harris was a terrible cook so he knew I wasn’t asking him to cook them for me. I hadn’t bothered cooking anything for the last three months so he looked at me with wide eyes, “You’re cooking?”

“Yeah. Pancakes and bacon.” I headed to my bathroom to wash up before walking into my kitchen. There were boxes on top of boxes, all over the place. I’d decided to put my condo on the market two months ago. I couldn’t bare living in the same place that I’d once shared with Darnel. And I knew if I was ever going to get to feeling like myself again, I needed to move out. I needed a fresh start.

Harris was incessant about me moving in with him, but each time he asked, I refused. I wanted to live on my own. I wanted to get used to how it felt living on my own before I moved in with a man again. Oh, but I was going to take him up on his offer, eventually. Something about Harris felt permanent, so I knew it was only a matter of time before we had a place together.

For weeks after I’d been found, I struggled with nightmares. It took a while for me to accept the fact that I’d actually taken a life. Even though there were several people who said he deserved it, I still struggled with the fact that I’d been the one to kill Darnel. But I was getting over it, slowly but surely. I hadn’t had a nightmare in months. I attributed part of that to the fantastic psychologist that was helping me work through these issues, but mainly to Harris who made me feel safe and secure in his arms every night.

He was wracked with guilt, constantly blaming himself for not being able to protect me from Darnel, so he was going above and beyond to make me feel safe.

I’d begun talking to my sister again. In fact, two days after I’d been rescued, she flew to Texas. It was refreshing, seeing her and I vowed to never go days without speaking to her again. Now, every time she called me, she asked about Harris. She was all but convinced that he was the one. And I had to agree with her.

I smiled to myself as I flipped the pancakes on the griddle. I heard the shower start up and by the time Harris had came out of the bathroom, his breakfast was cold.

“Dang, you didn’t wait on me to eat?” He looked at me and then to my empty plate.

“Was I supposed to?”

“Wow, is this what I’m going to have to deal with for the rest of my life?” His voice had a smile in it but I could tell he was serious. And his words made my heart smile.

“Who said I’m spending the rest of my life with yo’ ass,” I said.

He walked over to me and then dropped down to one knee. He pulled a small red velvet box from his sweatpants’ pocket. “Well, that’s what I was hoping.”

I gasped and damn near jumped from the couch. I covered my mouth with both of my hands. Even though I was staring at him, and I could see the ring as clear as day, I couldn’t believe this was happening.

“Kesha Thomas, will you make me the happiest man in the world and say you will spend the rest of your life with me?”

I gawked at him. For these last three months, we’d gotten closer than close but I had no idea he was thinking about marriage. I wasn’t so sure I was ready for that gigantic step but I was sure I didn’t want to lose Harris.

“Marry you?”

Worry lines appeared on his forehead but the smile on his face didn’t falter. “Yes, Kesha. I know it’s sudden but I know I don’t want to be with any other woman but you. When Darnel took you and I thought I’d lost you forever, it was a feeling I never want to feel again.”

I fell to my knees in front of him and wrapped my arms around his neck. “This feels so crazy. But yes, I’ll marry you!”

He pulled away from me and placed the beautiful ring on my finger, then allowed me to smother him in kisses.

“Oh my God, Harris! It’s beautiful.” I stared at the ring. “We can’t rush this engagement, though. I still want to get an apartment and live on my own for at least a year,” I told him. “Let’s not rush to get to the altar. I need to take this engagement slowly.”

He nodded, “Whatever you need, Kesha. We can be engaged for ten years if that’s what you need. But let that ring on your finger be a daily reminder that I’m not going anywhere. I told you a long time ago to just give me a chance to show you that I’m not like any of the men in your past. Did I show you that?”

All I could do was nod and kiss the man that was going to be my husband one day. Things were turning around for me. My future looked nothing like my past.

Greg had finally been arrested for his wife’s murder. It was all over the news. He looked so pathetic pleading his innocence to every camera that was shoved in his face. I couldn’t feel sorry for him, I was too busy feeling relieved that I wouldn’t be getting arrested for the murder. On top of that, the guilt over my parents’ murder was diminishing with each passing day. I was convinced that no one was going to miss either one of them. No one was worried about two, old, retired black people that barely left their home.

I was lonelier than ever these days, though. So, I’d looked forward to Denise’s visits. She kept me company although it was hard to wrap my mind around who she really was. So I didn’t let myself think about it.

My so called friends were so wrapped up in their perfect ass lives to give a damn about me. Kesha had killed Darnel’s ass and went and got engaged to her knight in shining armor. How come shit never happened to me like that? Why didn’t I get a Prince Charming after Greg did me so bad?

When we all met up for lunch, I had pretended to be happy for her when she showed us her ring. It was alright, kind of small for my taste, but at least she had ring! She was going to be someone’s wife. And it didn’t take a rocket scientist to tell that Harris was totally in love with her. I never seen a man look at me the way he looked at Kesha. And she was happy, so damn happy.

And then there was Charlie. She was happy too, even though her nigga was dying. He was fine as hell when we first met him. I remember seething in envy because I’d never met a man so beautiful in my life, but now he just looked like a shell of a man.

I couldn’t understand why Charlie was holding on to the belief that he was going to be a cancer survivor. Even a blind person could tell he wasn’t going to make it. He’d even been admitted to the hospital last week because of some kind of complications with his illness. But her dumb ass stayed up at that hospital day in and day out holding his hand and shit. Even though I thought she was stupid as hell, I was still jealous because at least she had a man.

And I was all alone.

My life wasn’t supposed to be like this. I was supposed to have my baby and then marry her father. I was never supposed to be a single mother. Of course, life had other ideas for me and now here I was. Broke and alone. And there was nothing I could do about it.

Sitting at home alone with crying ass Destiny was driving me up the wall. I had to stop feeling sorry for myself so I got up, got dressed and headed to Charlie’s house. I made sure to call her first to make sure she was at home instead of at the shop, or at the damn hospital with Amir.

I was shocked that she was actually home, so I headed over. When I made it to Charlie’s house, I gave her a hug and asked how she was doing although I really didn’t care. All she was going to do was go on and on about Amir and I was so tired of hearing about that nigga. I mean, Charlie was gorgeous and rich! She could have had her pick of men, but here she was stuck on a man who probably wasn’t going to make it to see next week.

After hugging her, sure enough, she went into detail about Amir and I stared at a painting she had on her wall. It was an ugly piece of shit and I wondered why the hell she’d bought it. After she was done talking, I looked at her and gave her the saddest face I could muster. Like I’d been paying attention to her.

I even said, “It’s gonna be okay, Charlie. Amir’s a fighter.”

She smiled when I said that. She always smiled when someone said something like that, even though it was a bold faced lie.

She held Destiny in her arms and was cooing at her like she always did. It pissed me off that Destiny never acted a fool when Charlie was holding her. She never screamed and cried her eyes out like she did when we were at home. That really pissed me off. It made me feel like she wished Charlie was her mama. I had to literally shake my head in order to shake those thoughts away. It was stupid to think that way. Destiny was too young to have those kinds of thoughts. Even as I told myself that, I still glared at Charlie as she held my daughter.

“So, Rick is still Amir’s doctor?” I tried to wipe the sneer off my face when I asked, but I couldn’t help it. That shit was funny as hell to me.

She rolled her eyes and sighed. “Girl, yes. But you know Rick is so professional. He won’t let anything personal keep him from trying to save someone’s life. I admire him for that.”

She smiled after saying that and for some reason her smile made me angry. I jumped up from the couch and started pacing. Charlie never got under my skin the way she was doing now. But the weird thing about it was, she wasn’t even doing anything. I loved Charlie like a blood sister, so I wasn’t sure why I was glaring at her now like she was an enemy.

Denise.

It was Denise who couldn’t stand Charlie. She always talked bad about Charlie and Kesha. She hated them, not me. Lately, I found myself fighting between my feelings and Denise’s. Now that I knew who she really was, it felt like she was taking control of my mind. Her feelings and thoughts were overpowering my own and I was struggling to regain control.

“What’s wrong with you?” Charlie was looking up at me. She looked worried. Lately, Charlie always looked worried, but it was the first time her worry was reserved for me.

I couldn’t stop pacing though. I was telling my feet to stop, I was telling myself to go sit back down and chill out, but my feet weren’t obeying me. They were obeying Denise.

“Lake, what’s wrong with you?” Charlie asked again.

“Oh, so now you’re worried about me!” I blurted out. But I didn’t really want to say that.

I didn’t like the way Charlie was looking at me. She stopped rocking Destiny and gaped at me.

“It’s not Kesha you’re worried about? Or Amir?” I scoffed. “It’s always Kesha this or Kesha that. Or worse, it’s Amir! Who really gives a fuck about Amir!” I laughed and the laugh was as nasty as what I’d just said.

But I didn’t want to say that, I could never say something so hurtful to Charlie. Her face curled as the realization of what I’d just said hit her. I regretted saying it instantly and fought with my lips to apologize. But my lips weren’t obeying me, they were following all of Denise’s commands. And she was stronger than me.

“All you do is whine and cry about a nigga you ain’t even known that long. So what the nigga is dying! Just find another one. Do you know how tired I am of hearing about Amir?”

Charlie laid Destiny on her changing mat. She stood to her feet and gave me a look I’d never seen before. She pointed to her door and yelled, “Bitch, get the fuck out my house!”

I wanted to scream out to her and tell her it wasn’t me saying these things, but of course I couldn’t. Instead, I laughed and shook my head. “Bitch, put me out.”

Charlie lunged at me and we both went tumbling to the floor.

“You don’t give a fuck about me! You never have. You don’t call and ask how I’m doing. No, you call and go on and on about Kesha or Amir. What kind of friend are you?” I screamed out as she took a handful of my hair.

“You crazy fuckin’ bitch!” Charlie was saying as she slammed my head into the floor.

“No, you’re a selfish bitch! You don’t call and see how Destiny is doing. You haven’t even asked how I’m doing and my fuckin parents are dead but you don’t care how I’m dealing with that, now do you?”

As soon as I said it, she froze. She released my hair and jumped away from me as if I’d told her I had an extremely contagious disease.

“Lake, what the fuck?”

No, no, no, I couldn’t tell her this! I fought with everything in me to keep from saying it. But my lips and voice no longer belonged to me.

“My parents are dead, Charlie! Both of them!” And then I laughed.

I couldn’t describe the look Charlie was giving me. “What do you mean, both of your parents are dead? How did they die, Lake?”

“You remember the 11
^th
grade, Charlie?” I said. My voice was sounding funny now. I knew I was talking but the voice coming out of me sounded nothing like my own. “You remember when my parents sent me away and everybody was saying all this dumb shit about where I had been?”

Charlie didn’t answer me but I noticed she was inching herself further away from me.

“They sent me to a fuckin’ mental institution,” I shook my head. “Those mutha’fuckas sent me to the crazy house. Said I was certifiable…and I guess I was.”

“But why, Lake?” Charlie said.

“Because I tried to kill that bitch. You know, the bitch that was fuckin’ with Zodrick. I tried to kill her ass.” I heard Charlie gasp but it didn’t stop me from talking. “I promised the next bitch that tried to fuck with my man was gonna be a dead bitch. And I made good on that promise, Charlie. That’s why I killed Greg’s wife.”

“Oh my God, Lake! You didn’t!” Charlie was on her feet now. She was already across the room.

But I didn’t follow her. I didn’t move, I just kept talking. “Yeah, I killed her. Well, Denise killed her. And my parents…I was so sick of them, Charlie. Always talking down on me, always looking down on me. There is only so much I could take.” I was crying now. Crying so hard my body was shaking. And the tears weren’t Denise’s, they were mine.

I heard Charlie on her phone telling someone her address but I didn’t care. I was tired. More like, exhausted. I was tired of fighting with Denise for control of my mind. So I sat there exhausted, crying out for dear life.

Charlie walked over to me but she didn’t look scared of me. She looked worried again. And this worry was reserved all for me. For some reason, that comforted me. That made me smile on the inside. She sat next to me and wrapped her arms around me. She rocked me back and forth, just how she’d been rocking Destiny earlier. She kept saying it was going to be okay, and I believed her. So I closed my eyes and let Charlie rock me until the tears stopped coming.