Heaven in Hedonism (The Sinful Series Book 3) (18 page)

“Time to go,” a masked nurse told us.

“Just one moment,” Mac requested, running his free hand through his messy brown locks. Then he turned his attention to me.

My hair was hidden with a blue hospital issued cap. I wasn’t wearing any jewelry or makeup. Fear had turned me pale, despite our recent beach trip. The scared part of me wanted to cling to him, while the strong standoffish part wanted to push him far away where he could never hurt or disappoint me again. “Remember what I said earlier?” I asked. “You know, in the room.”

Smiling down at me, he nodded. “I remember. How could I ever forget?” His eyes simply shined their glorious blue that I would now associate with the color of the ocean on our trip.

“I didn’t mean it,” I tried to explain. If things went badly, I didn’t want him to think I really did hate him.

“Yes you did. Don’t worry. I love you too. And I’ll be waiting here when you wake up.” Mac gave my hand an extra squeeze and leaned down to kiss me.

“That’s not what I said!” I exclaimed, raising my arm in protest, struggling to sit up on the gurney.

Laughing, he smirked. “No, but it is what you meant.”

It was impossible to argue with him. As they wheeled me away, I let my hand drop. He was right. I loved him. Dammit.

Hours later, I woke in recovery. The lights were low and the moment my eyes began to focus, I realized there was a nurse hovering nearby, recording my vitals. When she saw me glancing about, she came to my side.

“Can I get you anything?” she asked gently.

Shaking my head, I sighed. All I wanted was Mac and our baby. Given the circumstances, without the baby, I doubted I could have him either. I didn’t want to face him, didn’t want to suffer one more crippling loss today. “Sin?” I murmured. “Is she here?” I was almost afraid to get my hopes up.

“She’s here and your husband has been about losing his mind waiting for you to wake up.” She smiled at me warmly.

My heart was in my throat. I wanted to see him. More than anything, I wanted to curl up in his arms, bury my face in his neck, and finally release all these pent-up tears. Maybe if I could just let go of all the pain, I could finally have the life I wanted. If that life still wanted me. Too much of a coward to discover the truth, I went with the safe bet. “Can you get Sin for me?”

“Of course.” The nurse nodded. She didn’t even question why I wasn’t asking for Mac. It could be she was used to this happening, women who just wanted their best friends, their moms, their sisters, instead of sharing their sorrow with their spouse.

Lying there, I kept swallowing back my tears. This had seemed simple. Get over my fear of penis to make a baby. Maybe I’d enjoy doing it. I never expected to fall in love. I never planned on marrying. Hell, I hadn’t even considered much about getting pregnant after I started getting to know him. This was such a royal cluster fuck.

Before I could wallow in self-pity for too long, Sin was striding through the doors, headed for me, arms outstretched. Seeing her was all it took for the dam to break. Soon I was hiccupping and crying all at once.

“Oh, girl.” She sighed into my hair as she sat down on the bed with me. “I’m so sorry. I know how much you wanted this.” I nodded my head. “And I see you took note of my experiences.”

Leaning back in confusion, I studied her face to see her smirking back at me. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“Oh, just that Mac is out there, claiming to be your husband so he can come in here.” She chuckled. “He’s really cute, actually.”

“We’re really married, actually.” I bit my lower lip as I watched her reaction.

“What?” she shrieked. “How could you get married without telling me? Without inviting me?” She stood and paced around the bed, her mouth covered with the back of her hand.

“It was an accident!” I struggled to explain. “You are the last person I would ever hurt. Sin, say something!”

Turning to look at me with her hands on her hips, she asked, “How does someone accidentally get married?” The disbelief was obvious.

“We thought it was a ceremony for completing the tantric sex seminar. We didn’t know what we were signing. They never said anything about a wedding or man and wife, or any of that. We just found out when the certificate arrived in the mail…today.” My tears, which had started to dry up, began to flow freely once again. “He hates me. I stole his bachelorhood.” I hiccupped. “And his sperm.” Rubbing at my nose, I scowled. “I can’t see him right now. I need to be stronger before we speak, before he asks me for a divorce, before I face everything I’ve lost. Please, Sin. Please help me.”

Her shoulder rose in a frozen shrug. “What can I do? How can I help you? I can’t make the pain go away. Only time can do that. Only healing will make that possible.”

“Take me away,” I whispered. “Get me out of here. Help me run away like I always did with you.” Staring at her, pleading with my eyes, I waited for her response.

Sighing, she frowned. “For the record, I think this a terrible idea.” She growled under her breath. “You would have talked me into staying. You did with Ben. I’m afraid you’ll regret this.”

Shaking my head, I promised, “Never.”

“Then let’s get you dressed. Once you’re ready, I’ll send him to go get you flowers or something. While he’s doing that, we’ll make our escape.” Sin watched my face. I was busy drying my tears. “We’re only going as far as the vineyard. You know that, right? I’m a wife and mother. I can’t run away anymore. You’re the one who taught me to stay.” She hugged me close. “I know you’ve never asked before. It’s always been about me. When you clipped my wings, you were right. It’s your turn.”

Fifteen minutes later, we were heading out of the hospital. Sin, true to her word, had suggested that Mac kill time before seeing me by picking up something in the gift shop. Even though I was the least superficial person I knew, for some reason, he bought it. The moment he disappeared down the elevator, Sin rushed back in to get me and we made our daring escape. Or maybe it just seemed daring to me.

Once I was sitting in her car, Sin asked, “Want to stop by your apartment and get some clothes?”

Really, I didn’t. What if he caught on? What if he showed up? Shaking my head, I announced, “Nah. It’s time for me to get some new clothes. We should take the twins shopping tomorrow. Aunt Jolie has some spoiling to do.” Then I realized the drugs were starting to wear off. “We do, however, need to get these scripts filled.”

We dropped the prescriptions off at the nearest drive thru pharmacy. Then we headed to a Starbucks nearby for a hot chocolate in my search for comfort. After just a few sips, I knew it wasn’t going to have its usual therapeutic effects. Once we had picked up the pain meds and antibiotic and I had consumed my first dose, Sin broke the silence.

“Jolie, he won’t leave you alone for long. You should have seen him while you were in surgery.” She glanced over at me while she drove, probably trying to see if I was listening. “You may be accidentally married, but he really loves you. He was positively inconsolable. He was worried about you, he was broken hearted over losing the baby.”

Whipping around in my seat, I regretted it immediately, wincing in pain. “He didn’t want the baby,” I growled. “He doesn’t want me either.”

Shaking her head, she frowned. “I don’t think it’s that. Mac wanted to choose. He wanted to plan. He’s like you.” She was quiet a moment before she murmured, “He’s perfect for you.”

Tears welled up in my eyes. “I thought he was. I just don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to be with anyone.”

“Aw, girl. Don’t cry. I used the last of my tissues on you the day you puked. I never need it, so I haven’t replaced it. I’m not much of a crier myself.” Sin looked at me sideways.

I giggled. I couldn’t help myself. “Right.”

“Get some rest. It’s a long drive. I’ll wake you when we arrive.”

“So I can go to bed?” I teased. It was closing in on eight at night. The sun had set while I was in recovery.

“Exactly.” Then she reached over and squeezed my hand affectionately.

I held on like my life depended on it. Then I fell asleep.

When the car stopped, I woke up. Again, I forgot I’d just had surgery and moved too quickly to sit up in my seat. “Ow. Dammit.” After glancing around, I commented, “We’re here.”

“Yeah. And your phone has been going nuts. I may have peeked.”

“Mac?” I asked. For someone who was running away, I sure was hoping he had called.

“Of course. I’m with you. Who else?” She looked at me like I was completely daft.

Frowning, I scowled. “I could have other friends. Like from work or something.” Now I was really grasping.

“Seriously? You mostly hate people.” She looked up at the front of the house. When I followed her gaze, I realized that everyone had assembled at the door. Ben was there, looking concerned, wringing his hands. George and Lucy were watching for us.

“What? The twins couldn’t make it?” I grumbled.

“Way past their bedtime.” She explained. “But this is kind of my point. Everyone up there cares about you. Stop being grumpy. Stop pushing away those who just want to love you. When you were younger, it was your affect. It was kinda cool your whole ‘I don’t give a fuck’ attitude. The problem is you should be past that. You’re almost thirty and now you just look bitter.” Sin pulled the hair away from my face and tucked it behind my ear. “You’re too beautiful to be so angry.” Then she turned to me with those incredible eyes and started to belt out the chorus of “Let it Go” from
Frozen
, complete with sweeping gestures.

I couldn’t help myself. I laughed and then doubled over in pain. “Stop it, you crazy bitch,” I muttered.

“Love you too!” Then she bolted from the car before I could punch her in the shoulder like I normally would.

Just as I reached for the door, it opened. From the dark, a hand reached down to help me out of the vehicle. As soon as I was clear of the roof, I realized I was being hauled into Mac’s arms. I wanted to protest, wanted to push him away, but instead, I started crying into his shirt. He let me. So I sobbed for our loss, for the distance between us, for all the love I wanted to give him, but was afraid to show. While I did, he held me close and murmured sweet words meant to comfort me.

“I know, my sweet love. I hurt too. We’ll get through this. Together.”

Those were some of the scariest words of all. How could we be together? Oh, but first I had to understand something else. “How did you get here?” I turned and glared at Sin, who was standing on the top step, wrapped in Ben’s embrace. “I thought you had been sent off to get me flowers.” Sin tried to look innocent, but she was doing a really poor job of it.

“I figured it had to be code. You told me to never bring you flowers.” He lifted my chin, forcing me to look into the only set of eyes I could ever get lost in, be completely mesmerized by. “So, I ran a few errands and came straight here. I guessed you needed some time away and I needed us to be together. Ta da!” He smiled, demonstrating he was obviously proud of himself.

“Ta da,” I said flatly. “What if I needed time away from you?”

“Now why would you possibly want that?” Mac laughed. “You need me, Henrietta Jolie MacIntyre.”

Instantly, I stiffened. “I hate that name.”

“MacIntyre? Nah. It’s perfect for you.” Clearly he was feeling playful. Just as quickly, his tone turned serious. “It’s time you stopped running for once. You need roots.” He was slowly walking me over to his car. The window was down and I could see something in the passenger seat. He pulled out a potted calla lily.

“No flowers,” I reminded him.

“It’s not a flower unless you cut it and stick it in a vase. This is clearly a plant. Roots, soil, all that.”

“So what are you saying? And who said I’m changing my name? If I was about to do that, don’t you think I’d have lost Henrietta long ago?” I crossed my arms over my chest.

“Fine. Don’t change your name. But you do need to change your address.” He completely relinquished his hold on me to lean into his car. When he pulled back out, he was holding a sleepy looking puppy.

“What’s that?” I asked, pointing.

“It’s our dog. Well, it will be. Right now it’s just our puppy.” He smiled at me and made the puppy wave. He buried his face behind the dog and made it talk. “Will you be my mommy?”

Mac was being so cute, I chuckled. Still, I was exhausted. We had to speed this conversation up so I could get some sleep. “Is this a marriage proposal?”

He made a face. “No. We’re already married. This is more of a proposition.”

My eyes rolled. “And just what are you propositioning?” I was growing more impatient. Mac noticed and gestured to George, still waiting on the stairs.

Immediately, the man rushed toward us and took the puppy. “We have a kennel in the garage,” he explained as he started to walk away.

“Thank you, George,” Mac responded as he scooped me into his arms. “What were we talking about? Ah, the proposition. Well, it’s about life.”

Exhaustion was setting in. I couldn’t help but drop my head on his shoulder. “What about it?” I asked as I stifled a yawn.

Mac looked down at me seriously. “I want you to build one with me. Let’s have a dog and a plant and a house.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “No babies?”

There was a sadness around his eyes. Maybe he was as upset as Sin had suggested. “Of course, babies. When your body is healthy again. When your heart is healed. When we’re ready.”

My chin dropped. Fear set in. “What if I can’t have a baby? It’ll be harder with one tube.”

Mac kissed my temple fiercely, his lips lingering before he spoke again. “Then we adopt. Or we do IVF. Or we hire a surrogate. You tell me.”

I was quiet for a moment, thinking as we headed into the house. As soon as we hit the first step, everyone scattered. Once inside the door, I discovered the kennel had been brought into the foyer and the puppy was inside. In the light I could tell it was a Bernese Mountain Dog. It was positively beautiful. I wanted to snuggle it and bury my face in the fur, but I played it off. “Where’d you find this guy?”

“Girl. And she was up for adoption at the shelter. I volunteer there once a month. This is the first time I’ve ever adopted one, though. Just picked her up on the way here. There are so many beautiful dogs needing a home.” He stuck his finger through the cage door and was rewarded with a lick.

“She is kinda cute. Bet she’s high maintenance. Look at all that hair.” I had to find the dark side. Being excited was scary.