Heaven in Hedonism (The Sinful Series Book 3) (15 page)

“You just don’t understand how incredible you are, do you?” he asked while holding my face in both hands. “It’s all I can do to control myself around you. Why do you think I had to put distance between us at the office?”

The intensity in his voice, the look in his eyes had softened me greatly. Now, I was putty in the man’s hands. Somehow, despite the butterflies in my stomach and my racy heart, I was able to shake my head. Then I whispered, afraid to break the spell, “Tell me.”

Leaning low over my face, with only a breath between our lips, he murmured, “What if I show you instead?” Before I could respond, his lips were on mine.

His arms were around me, one hand on my pelvis, drawing me impossibly close, the other on the back of my neck, pressing me to him. Our tongues were dancing wildly, completely driven by need. By the time he released me, we were both panting.

“This world is crazy. Our occupation can be so tense. My life hasn’t made sense for so very long. Then I meet you, and you have become for me my solace, my little piece of heaven. I am drawn to you like no other before. I can’t be away from you this long ever again,” he spoke passionately, with such certainty.

My eyes misted over. Never had I ever imagined someone would ever say anything like that to me. The words were on the tip of my tongue. For the first time in my life, I wanted to say them. Three little words. How hard could it be? Oh, but speaking them would be like cracking open my chest and handing him my heart. It was still too scary. Instead, I’d just showed him, willed him to understand the language of my actions, the sentiment behind every single thing I did.

Once again our lips connected in a steamy kiss. This time, however, I was starting to tug at his shirt, work on unbuttoning. Then I heard a noise that made me pause. It was the sound of Sin and Ben coming up the stairs. I shouldn’t be able to hear them. “Mac, the door!” I urged.

Glancing behind him, he realized his error and bolted from the bed. He dove at the door, slamming it shut just before they passed by. I burst out in a fit of giggles. Mac joined me, laughing as he neared the bed.

“Come here, handsome,” I cooed as I held my arms open for him.

Shaking his head, he instead began to remove his clothing piece by piece. He unbuttoned the shirt and let it fall to the floor, then peeled his white T-shirt off, exposing those amazing abs. I took a page from his playbook and started to work on my dress. Of course, I needed some help, since it was a zippered dress.

Hopping to the floor, I stood in front of him and murmured, “Please.” He knew what I needed when I pulled my hair away from the neckline. In seconds that demure beige sheath dress was in a linen pile on the floor. Smiling, I turned around and removed my bra while his pants fell to the floor, a pool of black around his ankles. We stepped away from the clothing and reached for each other.

“I can’t believe you wore panties,” he murmured in my ear just before he began kissing his way down my shoulder and my side.

“What about those pesky boxers?” I commented.

“Together then?” Mac joked with his hands already at his waist, and his thumbs below his elastic band.

Nodding, I smiled as we yanked down the last piece of clothing that separated us from being skin to skin. He stood, hands on his hips until I pointed at his feet. Glancing down, he realized what he had forgotten.

“Looks ridiculous, huh?”

“A little, but I’d still do you,” I teased.

“Would you now?” he asked, closing the distance between us.

Playfully, I backed away until I ran out of room and my shoulders and buttocks hit the cool dark wall. My eyebrow rose as I wondered what he would do now. Gah, I loved playing with this man.

“Well, love, looks like you’re out of running room.” He pinned me with an arm on either side of my head.

Glancing first at one hand, then the other, I smiled. “Looks that way. So whatcha gonna do about it?” If he didn’t accept this challenge, I’d go up in flames.

“Just this,” he said in a low sexy voice that had my pulse racing and my heart beating erratically. Pressing his body to mine, he began kissing me all over, wherever he could connect.

My hands were roaming up and down his back, scratching lightly. As I scratched he grew more and more wild, growling some under his breath. Testing my theory, I really dug in, leaving a mark from his shoulders to just above his bum. He pulled back and smiled up at me, but his eyes were blazing with desire. I had seen that look before. It made me whimper, especially when his hand found its way between my legs. Parting them slightly to allow him access, I wasn’t disappointed. Soon his fingers had found their way inside me and his thumb was rubbing just right above my clitoris.

Damp, aching and panting, I made my first demand. “In me. I want your cock in me,” I moaned.

Never one to deny me, his fingers and thumb disappeared. Seconds later his hands were on my hips, hefting me higher against the wall. My eyes widened in anticipation. Sure enough, he angled his hips and I could feel his erection pressing against my eager moist opening. My hands were on either side of his face, watching him intently as he slowly impaled me on his raging erection. Together, we were on fire.

Moving my hands to his shoulders, Mac buried his face in my neck a moment, nibbling, scraping his teeth against my skin. My legs tightened around his waist while he bucked against my pelvis, forcing his cock deeper and deeper inside me. Clearly we weren’t the tantric masters we believed ourselves to be. I didn’t want to wait. I didn’t want this to go on and on. If what was between us grew any more intense, I’d spontaneously combust. I just knew it. Apparently Mac knew it too.

He growled my name, just as my body began to contract around him. “Jolie!” It had never sounded so beautiful to my ears. I could feel him erupting inside me in hot spurts. Something happened to my heart in that moment. I knew then we had to find a way to make this work. No one else would ever do.

Collapsing in his arms, Mac slowly withdrew from inside me and carried me over to the bed. After pulling back the covers, he laid me on the bed where I just curled up, spent and out of breath. When he moved away from me instead of joining me, I let out a small cry.

“I’ll be right back. Just getting something to clean you up, my love.” He explained.

When I opened my eyes just a crack, I saw his naked butt going into the bathroom. He returned quickly enough with a washcloth in hand, ready to make good on his promise. Gently, he spread my legs and wiped at the liquid running out of me. Then with a hand towel he had on his shoulder, he patted me dry. My eyes closed, but I could feel a burning behind the lids. This man really knew how to get to my heart.

The mattress behind me gave as he climbed in beside me. At first he merely wrapped his arms around me, but then he changed his mind and hauled me onto his chest. “I have to tell you something,” he whispered.

My eyes shot open. This was never good. “What is it?” I asked, trying to hide my fear.

Swallowing, he began to explain. “I have to leave early. You may still be asleep when I go. I volunteer.” He watched my face for a reaction.

“Is that all?” It seemed like such a small thing.

Mac swallowed. “Mostly.”

Laying my chin on his chest, I stared up into his eyes. “And what’s the rest?”

He sighed. “Well, I think I mentioned that it’s hard being around you and not being able to be with you.”

I tried not to blink, to not show any emotion at all, but it was proving incredibly difficult. “Yes, I remember,” I said evenly. In my mind I heard,
here it comes. He’s breaking it off. Just breathe.

Offering me a tentative smile, Mac continued. “I really need to avoid you at the office. When I’m near, I want you in my arms. So, don’t take it personally. It means nothing other than I am incredibly weak and you are my greatest weakness.”

I smiled. I couldn’t help it. I was his weakness.
His greatest weakness
. “That’s it?”

“Yeah. That’s everything. Are we good?” He looked almost afraid of my reaction.

Sadly, I will admit that made me feel incredibly powerful. At least I didn’t take advantage of it. “Okay,” I mumbled. “Can you just hold me and we can sleep now? I’m really tired.”

Hugging me closer to his chest, he murmured, “Sleep, sweet Jolie.” Then he rolled us until we were both on our sides and he was the big spoon. It was my favorite position and he knew it. No wonder I had a smile on my face as I drifted off.

The sun woke me around eight in the morning. Reaching behind me, I searched for Mac. He wasn’t there. It took a moment, but I remembered he had to leave, volunteering. Sitting up, I stretched, arms high in the air, and when they came back down to the mattress, one hit on a piece of paper. My heart started thudding when I realized he had left me a note, a real live note, when he could have dropped me a text. It had the date in the corner and everything. Lying back against the pillows, I read it.

My dearest Jolie,

Thank you for another incredible weekend. I’ll look forward to avoiding you at the office all week. Can we make plans for next weekend?

Mac

It was the best note I had ever read. It was mine. And I was beginning to think he might be too.

A knock on the door interrupted my reverie. I knew it had to be Sin. “Come in,” I called.

Sure enough, she peeked through a crack. “I heard Mac leave this morning. He saw Ben, but I was still sleeping. The twins had me up a lot last night.” All this she said with a smile.

Shaking my head, I marveled at her. This was not the Sin I was used to. Loving Ben had resulted in remarkable changes. “What’s up?” I asked.

“Just wanted to be sure you were comfortable. You can be a bear when you are on the rag. I have Midol if you need it,” she commented.

“Well, I’m not on the rag, as you so delicately put it. So you’ll have to just deal with normal Jolie.” I beamed at her. Nothing was going to ruin my bliss this morning. “Mac left me a note,” I explained, holding out the paper that had been lovingly clasped to my chest moments before.

Walking over, she propped herself on the edge of the bed and reached for my note. After reading it, she said absently, “Nice.” Apparently she then decided it was time to get down to business. “You’re late.”

“How could I be late?” I stared down at the paper once again in my hands.

“You were here four weeks ago and were bleeding then. This makes you late. Come with me,” she grumbled, standing and tugging me out of bed. Reaching into my bag, she pulled out my bathrobe. “Put this on.”

“Where we going?” I asked as I tightened the belt on the robe.

“To my bathroom. Pretty sure I have at least one pregnancy test in there. I bought a bunch when I was going through the fertility treatments to have the twins,” she announced.

Instantly, I started thinking. It was possible. It was even what I had wanted a few weeks ago. Then I never imagined a relationship, only a future with a baby. Mac had seemed like such a viable candidate. Only now, now that there were feelings this wasn’t how I pictured it anymore. Sin had to be wrong. I couldn’t be pregnant. Mac would be so disappointed. What if he stopped liking me? What if he hated me?

Numbly, I followed her into the hall, then into her bedroom, and finally into the bathroom where I sat down on the toilet seat lid. Sin went to the linen closet and fumbled around a moment before emerging with a package I’d only seen in commercials. Lesbians don’t have a lot of need for pregnancy tests. Or birth control. Fuck my life.  What had I been thinking on the island?  Why hadn’t I been more careful?  Honestly, I knew the answer.  It was a classic case of be careful what you wish for.  I wanted a baby when it felt like there was no man in my future.  Only now, I wanted Mac more and a baby could come later. 

She passed it to me and I just stared at it for a minute. “Okay, it works best if you unwrap it,” she began, starting to sound like the easily frustrated Sin I was more familiar with. Snatching it back, she ripped the foil and opened it, revealing the pee stick. She started to pass it to me when she realized I was still in my trance. “For the love of God,” she groaned. “Just work with me. Pee on this already.”

Standing, I gathered up the robe, lifted the toilet seat lid, and took the stick as she handed it to me. I was almost too scared to pee, but need overruled and soon enough I held it in the stream and watched as it began to process. Silently, I passed it back to Sin.

“Gee, thanks,” she muttered. “You know, I like it better when I’m the mess and you’re talking me down. Pull yourself together, okay?”

Nodding, I wiped and flushed, straightened the bathrobe and walked over to the sink where the fucking pregnancy test was doing its thing. I watched as the pee spread across the windows. The first oval had a minus sign. The second smaller oval had one line. “Look!” I exclaimed happily.

“Don’t get too excited yet,” Sin warned. “There needs to be two lines in the little window before you get to celebrate. It says give it three minutes. So far, you’ve made it a whopping thirty seconds.” She shook her head at me.

Turning the test back toward me, I watched. Something was happening in the big window. A line was appearing right through the center of the minus sign. I swallowed. The second line was appearing in the control window. By the time it was complete, so was the plus sign. I dropped it on the edge of the sink and stormed back to my bedroom. Though I thought I wanted to be alone, Sin had soon followed me.

“You’re going to want to keep this,” she said quietly, passing me the test stick.

“Gee, thanks,” I said, mimicking her. Silently, I stared at it.

Sitting beside me, Sin threw an arm around my shoulder. “So, what are you going to do?”

I didn’t have an answer for her. Suddenly that was the million dollar question. I was still mulling it over as I drove back to San Francisco later in the day. I was still considering it as I drove to work the next morning. The last thing I wanted to do was see Mac. Luckily, I knew he would be avoiding me too. We’d play that game for a week and then he’d want to talk about making plans for the weekend.

Well, I could rule out horseback riding, or rollercoasters, or sushi. There would be no eating raw cookie dough. And as tense as I was, there would be no couple massages. Pregnant chicks couldn’t have massages during the first trimester. I learned that from watching Sin bake her babies.

So, I spent the week at work being super professional, aloof even. I worked my normal shifts, the only difference being more frequent trips to the restroom. Even as private as I was, I knew I wouldn’t be able to hide my condition for long, especially from Mac. It wasn’t right. When we finally spoke again, I’d have to tell him.

It came as no surprise the discussion was initiated on Friday afternoon. The office was empty. Most of the other programmers had checked out at lunchtime and never returned. Good for them. At the moment, I was struggling to concentrate. I knew it was only a matter of time before Mac sought me out. He started to sit on the corner of my desk as he had before, but I stopped him. I knew I couldn’t have this conversation sitting down.

“Can we take a walk?” I asked, trying to hide how unnerved I was.

“Of course, where to?”

“Out of the office, for starters. Then, we’ll see.” I tried to project a bright, happy, confident self, but knew I was failing miserably.

Clearly, Mac sensed it. “What’s going on, Jolie? You seem different. What’s bothering you?”

There was only one way I knew how to do this. I would have to tell him like I was ripping off a Bandaid. In three…two…one. “I’m pregnant,” I blurted out.

Mac was a silent a moment. Though he had been at my side our entire walk, he suddenly dropped back. I whipped around to face him.

“You’re pregnant?” He stared at me, probably watching for my reaction. “Why do you not seem surprised?”

“Well, I’ve had a week to get used to it,” I explained casually.

I could practically see the thousands of thoughts running through his head. Luckily he was terrible at holding anything in. I’d know what was on his mind soon enough.

“You had to know you were ovulating and you didn’t use protection?” he asked. “Why didn’t you ask me to use a condom? I’m a responsible guy. I have condoms.” He started pacing while he spoke.

My words were barely a whisper. “I suppose it’s because I wanted a baby.” My eyes could no longer meet his face, but I could hear that the footsteps ceased. He had stopped in his tracks.

“You did this on purpose? What? To trap me?” His words stung. My head shot up and I glared at him.

“What? Why the hell would I trap you? I don’t need you. I don’t need your money. Hell, I don’t need this job.” I stormed back down the hall, but from the sounds of the hurried footsteps on the floor behind me, he was hot on my tail.

Grabbing my arm, he whipped me around. “So what? Now you’re just a…a…”

He seemed at a loss for words, so I thought I’d help him fill in the blank. “A whore? A tramp? Spit it out!”

His hand raked through his tousled locks. “A sperm stealer!” he spluttered. “This was like breaking and entering. Grand larceny!”

“Right, because your sperm is worth so much. And as I recall, there was no breaking involved and you did the entering.” My hands were on my hips in defiance.

“There’s breaking all right. You broke my trust.”

His words crushed me twice. I think some part of me had hoped he had become emotionally involved, and maybe the breaking he referred to was his heart. At least then I would have known he had feelings for me. To discover he didn’t reciprocate was bad enough, but knowing I had lost his trust dealt a harsher blow than I cared to admit.

Coherent thoughts were impossible. Instead, I was all girl, a blubbering mess. “I’m not going to apologize for wanting a baby. I’m not asking you to take care of it or even take part in his or her life. I never meant to break your trust, but how could I expect anything more than this from you? It’s not like I thought you’d ever fall in love with me.”

“You never let me love you! You constantly kept me at arm’s length. Oh, except for my cock. And now I know why! Still, I wanted to love you. Really, I did!”

We were in a full-blown fight now. Yelling at each other in public, which was just what I had hoped to avoid. Still, I couldn’t back down. Hurt fueled me and I reacted. “How could you love me? How could anyone?” In pain, I wanted him to hurt too. “Wanna know how many men I’ve been with?” I asked, sneering at him.

“You’re a lesbian. I thought that number, aside from me, would be a big fat zero.” He threw his hands up in the air.

Shaking my head, the tears began to slowly leak from my eyes. “One. The one who made me fear all men. The one who taught me never to trust. The one who showed me I couldn’t be loved.”

Standing before me, his look of confusion slowly turned to something else, a look I didn’t recognize from him. His eyes narrowed as he closed the distance. “Your father?” he asked quietly. It was obvious he feared my answer, worried how broken I really was.

I let out a hollow laugh. “Oh, no. Pops was a traveling salesman with a family in every town. Don’t worry, I learned plenty from him too.”

He swallowed hard. I could see his Adam’s apple struggling in his throat. “So who then? What happened to you?”

In all these years, I’d never really told anyone, but for some reason I was going to tell him. Did I want to frighten him off for good? Was this another one of my efforts to shock him? Even I didn’t know why or what I was about to say.

“I was raped.” He stiffened. This was precisely the reaction I never wanted from a guy I might care for. Men want to be able to fix things. There was no repairing this. I watched as he reached out to me. I could picture it, being enfolded in his arms, how it would feel being pressed against his strong chest. The sound of his heartbeat in my ears would completely soothe me, but I wasn’t ready for that. It had to be out, all of it, once and for all. I would try this one time with this one man and then never again. If I couldn’t make Mac understand, then there was no way anyone else ever would. Taking a step back just out of reach, I knew I had to tell him on my own, without using him as a crutch.

“Jolie?” he asked tentatively, curious as to why I wouldn’t let him close.

“Wait. Just let me get this out.” I watched him nod, but the hurt look on his face lingered. Taking a few deep breaths, I started to share the secret I carried with me always, hidden in the deepest darkest part of my soul. “It wasn’t some stranger attacking me, but this guy I knew and had a crush on. We went on a date one Saturday and he took more than I offered.” Mac opened his mouth to speak, but I shook my head and his jaw snapped shut. “I fought him,” I whispered. “I tried to get away, to stop him. He was too big and I wasn’t nearly as strong and tough as I am now.” The tears flowed freely, dripping off my jaw. I swiped at them, sniffled to keep the snot at bay.

“Of course you did, my Heaven,” he murmured. While I cried, he had snuck in and wrapped his arms around me. “You aren’t to blame. You must know that.”

“I was young. I didn’t know that. By Monday it was all over the school and I was a painted as a slut who cried rape. I never wanted anything to do with guys again.”

“Who can blame you?” he asked as he smoothed my hair and buried my face in his chest.

“Then you came along and I wanted to get over the fear.”

“You did a fine job of it,” he said, pulling me away just enough so he could see my face. “And I know you said you wanted a baby, but you have to know this wasn’t the way to do, right?” He stared at me intently, willing me to admit my wrongs. “You can’t possibly want a baby like this. You know what should be done.”