Here to Stay (35 page)

My biggest fear about parenthood was getting the call,
he thought, staring at his phone display.
Instead, I’m making it.

Irony, go fuck yourself.

He woke up Joe first, then Christine, using variations of the same words: “We lost the baby. You need to come.”

The phone grew hot in his hand as the shock rebounded over the line. Hearts shattering into pieces hundreds of miles away. Followed by the saddling up. The circling of the wagons. Torches and drums in the distance. The cavalry on the move.

“We’re on the way,” Joe said. “We love you.”

“I’m coming,” Christine said. “I love you.”

It couldn’t be made easy, but the staff turned themselves inside out to make it as peaceful as possible. Daisy’s room was far away from the other delivery suites, and apparently some cryptic signal or sign was at the door, indicating to the ward a stillbirth was happening. Everyone who came in treated them with the utmost respect and compassion.

They gave Daisy an epidural for the physical pain, and Fentanyl to take the edge off the mental pain. They turned off the drugs that were meant to stop contractions, and started drugs to precipitate them. Then they had nothing to do but wait.

Daisy drifted in and out of sleep, occasionally rambling under her breath. Snippets of conversations with no one. Sound bites from her stream of consciousness.

“And I’m done now,” she said.

“It’s the Fentanyl,” Lee said. “You have no filter when you’re on that stuff. And the fever isn’t helping either.”

“I’m sorry about David,” Daisy mumbled.

Erik drew back a little. Her eyes were closed and her face was expressionless, but she said it. It slipped past the filter.

Did it still haunt her?

He laid his hand on her forehead. “It was long ago,” he whispered. “I forgave you long ago for that, Dais.”

A nurse came in and said Erik had a friend in the waiting room. Lee nodded at him and drew her chair a fraction of an inch closer to the bed, indicating she was on watch.

Sandy-eyed with fatigue, muscles aching, Erik walked the short hall down to the waiting area. Will stood up from the couch and came striding to meet him. His arms reached and Erik fell into them.

“Give it here,” Will said, holding him tight, a hand on Erik’s head. “Give it to me. I’ll hold it.”

Erik let go, let the load slip off his shoulders. He shoved it all at Will and let him take it.

“I’m sorry,” Will said.

“I can’t believe this is happening.”

“I know. Sit down and don’t do anything right now.”

“Where’s Lucky?”

“She’s waiting for the nanny to come and then she’ll be here. You tell Dais she’s coming. Now come on, sit down. Shut your eyes.”

Erik did, and was surprised when the edges of his mind blurred out and he snoozed briefly. A quick catnap with Will standing guard. His phone buzzed in his pocket. Once. Twice. With a low cry he sat up, his body electric with adrenaline.

“It’s all right,” Will said. “You were out fifteen minutes. That’s all.”

Erik shook his head hard.

“A nurse came by,” Will said, a soothing hand on Erik’s shoulder. “Said Dais is still asleep. You didn’t miss anything. I’ll get you a soda.” Will stood up and went to the vending machines, reaching in his back pocket for his wallet.

Erik checked his phone. It was his brother texting.

Mom, me and Fred will be on a 6AM flight. We’re coming. I’m so fucking sorry. Whatever I can give you, it’s yours. Yesterday.

Erik started to text that Pete didn’t need to come. Then he backspaced all the letters out and typed,
Thanks. I got nothing. Bring everything.

I will. You don’t fall apart until I get there. Hear me?

I hear you.

“I let myself into your house and threw some shit together,” Will said, kicking a backpack by the leg of the chair. “Some clothes, your phone chargers. I grabbed both toothbrushes on the sink and then just stuffed your whole shaving kit in there. Lucky can bring whatever else you need.”

“Thanks.”

Will twisted the cap off the soda bottle and handed it over. “Who do you need me to call? Give me numbers. I’ll take care of it later in the morning.”

Primed with caffeine, Erik scrolled through his contacts and calendar. “I had a dentist appointment tomorrow, cancel that. Car was supposed to go in for an oil change. You need to call the garage for me…”

Will wrote down the numbers. “What else?”

“Feed the cat at some point.” Erik exhaled and ran a hand through his hair. “The Biancos are coming. And my mom and Fred. They’ll need to be picked up.”

“I’ll do it. Don’t give it another thought. I’ll take care of everything.”

“And call Mike Pettitte for me.”

“Your cousin? Sure. I’ll call him first.”

Erik almost asked why, then realized of course, because Mike was family.

Erik closed his eyes. More wagons appeared on the southern horizon. Clayton would be woken up. Mike would know soon. He’d call Trudy and Kirsten and then tell the MacIntyres. By tomorrow Vivian would know. Erik looked to the rear of the gathering forces, beyond the village to the cemetery. The stones turned toward him, attentive, supportive, reaching ghostly hands back to him. The clean white grave of Beatrice Klara sharp in his mind. Elsa and Xandro in the shadow of the pine trees. The young soldier Bjorn under bronze. Lost children.

Lost fish.

We’re here.
We feel terrible. These things happen and they are terrible things to bear. We bore them. We know. We’re here.

You’re not alone. You found your tribe. You will survive this.

“I can’t,” he whispered, knowing he could, but wishing with every fiber of his being he didn’t have to.

“You can,” Will said. “You don’t have to do it well. You just have to do it.”

“All right,” Erik said, standing up. He held out his hands to Will. “Give it back.”

Will stood up and made a pouring gesture into Erik’s palms. Then he hugged tight and kissed Erik’s head. “I love you,” he said. “I’ll be here the whole time.”

Erik sank his teeth into that. Fists and jaw clenched, shoulders set, he nodded against the broad hard plain of Will’s chest. Then he pulled free and went back to Daisy.

“WHAT WILL HE LOOK like?” Erik asked, afraid he would recoil.

Lee touched his arm. “Like a baby. He’ll be beautiful to you. He won’t be a monster or an alien, I promise. You can hold him. Bathe him. Dress him. As long as you want. You’ll have complete privacy and complete freedom. We’re here to make you as comfortable as possible.”

He looked away from her and fought the urge to throw off her touch. No comfort could be found here. Nothing was private or free. Who did Lee think she was, telling him he’d hold a dead baby and find it beautiful? That he could dress it up like a doll and pretend everything was fine?

Somebody help me,
he thought. He couldn’t see the wagons coming. Will’s embrace had long slid off his back and he was exposed to the enemy and alone.

Daisy said something under her breath. Her fingernails drew along her skin. Slower. Deeper. Pink, raised welts began to emerge on the inside of her forearm.

“Stop,” Erik whispered, putting his hand on top of hers. “Don’t hurt yourself. It’s not your fault.”

He held her tight, willing to do anything—
anything
to get her out of this. If it meant lying down and letting someone sledgehammer his legs, he’d do it.

Leave her alone. She’s been through enough.

“He shot the glass,” Daisy said, her head moving side to side, her eyelids fluttering.

“I know,” he said against her hair. “I know, honey. It wasn’t your fault.”

It’s never anyone’s fault.

It’s just fucking life coming in to backhand me as soon as I lean into a moment.

It wasn’t supposed to be this way. Mike Pettitte was right. This was against the natural order of the world and it was offensive
.
Mike would be livid when he heard the news. Primed with outrage and justice, he’d tear this place apart and make it all right again.

Except he couldn’t.

Nobody could make this right.

Erik shut his hot wet, eyes and turned his face into the pillows above Daisy’s head. His mind swirling with fatigue, his back and legs aching. Weak, but resolute, he stood in the arched doorways of his beloved cathedral, armed with nothing but his bare hands.

Fuck all of you. I hate your fucking guts. Get out of here and leave me and my wife the fuck alone.

He brought Daisy’s hand with its crooked fingers and ragged nails up to his mouth. He closed his teeth on Astrid’s diamond and bit.

Help me,
he thought.
Somebody help me.

The Fentanyl wore off as the contractions grew more intense. Daisy was down from the high and reeling in reality, fighting against her body, fighting the inevitable.

“I can’t do this,” she said. “Don’t make me do this.”

“You have to,” Lee said. “No one else can do it. You can and you will.”

“All right, Dézi, you’re going to push now,” Dr. N’Dour said.

She was shaking her head, her voice swelling like a balloon. “I can’t. I need my mother. I can’t. I can’t do this.” Her voice stretched thin until it was a hoarse squeal.

“Dais,” Erik took her face in his hands. “Look at me.”

“Don’t make me,” she said.

“Look at me,” he said. “Look only at me.”

Her eyes settled on his. Then they settled into his. She exhaled.

“Only me,” he said. “Remember?”

Her chin rose and fell.

“You can do this,” he said. “You can do it for me.”

She nodded again, biting her lips.

“Will you do this for me?”

Her eyes closed then opened. No green was in their depths as she breathed in through her nose and whispered, “Yes.”

“I want to see him,” Erik said. “Let him come out so I can see him.”

She touched his face. “All right.” She pulled in her breath again and her expression settled into the cold, determined look of a soldier. “All right,” she said, louder, sitting up.

“You are a mother now,” Lee said, helping her. “You’re part of a great chain: you, your mother and grandmother and great-grandmother. They’re all with you now, Daisy. They’ll help you.”

It took three sets of three pushes and the baby crowned. Erik held Daisy the whole time, his face close by hers.

“I love you so much,” he said. “I swear I’ve never loved you more.”

Resting between contractions, she turned her face into his neck, breathing hard.

“You’re so strong,” he said, his heart full of pain and pride. “You’re the bravest person I know.”

“It’s almost over,” Lee said, giving her some ice to chew. “You’re doing beautifully.”

“This is the most beautiful thing I’ve seen you do,” Erik said through his teeth. “Ever. This is the most important thing you have ever done.”

“One more push, Dézi,” N’Dour said.

“You got this,” Erik said, sliding his arm under her shoulder blades. Her head dragged over his forearm and then lifted. Her eyes blazed like steel.