Here's the Situation (3 page)

Now, if you somehow find yourself in an area with neither sun nor tanning beds (or if you're a pussy who's afraid of skin cancer), your only options are spray tanning and bronzers. These can do in a pinch, but don't rely too heavily on them. If you hit the spray tanning too hard, you're going to wind up looking orange and fake. And if fake is how you look, fake is how you'll feel. And that's no way to creep.

When you've reached a certain level of tanning acumen, you can combine natural sun, tanning beds, and bronzers into a triple-headed spear (aka a trident) of color. So I might hit up the tanning bed after the gym in the late afternoon, then top that off with an hour or two at the beach, and then before I creep the clubs later that night I might throw on a little bronzer.

Now that you've hit the gym hard and got just the right amount of color, your six-pack is in top form and it's time to show it off. There's no reason to keep those abs all to yourself. That's just selfish, bro. Share them with the world. On the next page is a chart that will give you a sense of the appropriate height to tug up your shirt for a variety of common occasions:

T
he L in GTL is what's known as the Laundry Factor. But don't be confused. I'm not talking about simply washing and ironing your clothes or making routine trips to the dry cleaner's. (Although that's pretty freakin' important.) The Laundry Factor pertains primarily to how you assemble your outfits so that you look fresh for all occasions.

Once you've buffed out your body to maximum fitness in the gym, then brought out the shine in the tanning salon, you can't be draping baggy, faded clothes all over it. Wearing stylish, clean, and pressed attire is critical. When you look good, you feel good. And when you feel good, you creep good.

Ninety percent of the time I roll into a club, I'm wearing a T-shirt. But we're not talking about a Hanes Beefy-T. We're talking about a silky-thin, fitted, designer number, ideally with metallic embellishments and embedded jewelry. It's like a knight putting on his armor, or a Delta Force commando pulling on his battle rattle.

For years the fine people at Ed Hardy, Affliction, and Christian Audigier have been outfitting me and my fellow hard-core creepers with sick T-shirts. But now you can take your shirt situation up to The Situation's situation with my own clothing line by Dilligaf. It's sick, bro.

Note that some cutting-edge shirts today include a necklace integrated into the garment itself. If you think this means you don't have to wear a separate, standalone necklace, you couldn't be more wrong.

Purchasing the two halves of a track suit together, and in identical shades of the same color, is always recommended. But, for those rare occasions when the situation calls for a mix-and-match, here is a quick color-matching guide for pairing your up with your down:

Fashion Fact.
Most people make the assumption that I wear trendy shades the majority of the time (often indoors) to protect my eyes from the elements. But in fact it's the reverse. I'm protecting the elements from the brilliance of my eyes.

People are always asking, “Sitch, how do you look so damn good in a deep-V T-shirt?” It's simple. I always apply the ancient geometric principle known as the Golden Ratio. Look, if you want to crush it like The Sitch, you can't phone it in, bro. You gotta do the work. When I'm rocking a deep-V, I'm always certain it will be unimpeachably pleasing to the eye of the beholder by first crunching the math on this time-tested formula:

Basically if you have two numbers, A and B, it has to be such that:

So if your V-neck is 5 inches deep, make that A. The sleeve of your T-shirt must be 3.09 inches long, because 5 plus 3.09 is 8.09. Divided by 5 is 1.618. That's the left side of the equation.

And 5 divided by 3.09 is also 1.618. That's the right side of the equation. So they match. If your T-shirt meets these criteria when you roll into the club you will literally be a walking work of art.

Study closely this rare self-portrait from the hand of Il Guido Originale, Leonardo Da Vinci.

Supplemental
(RE: Belt Buckle Detail): Creepers will also benefit from this quick formula for determining the maximum allowable width of your belt buckle:

No matter what T-shirt you select, whether it's fitted, graphic, sequined, bedazzled, crew-neck, deep-V, wifebeater, or what-have-you, it's about being proud of who you are. If you want to bust out a deep-V that's safety-cone orange because you think that's your color, then wear the hell out of that fruity shirt so everybody in the club knows that nobody owns it like you do. Set the trends, don't follow them. I wear what makes me feel good because I'm at the tip of the spear—the cutting edge of fashion that's fresh to death. When I see something I like, I grab it. My only system when I shop for fresh apparel is my own primal reaction to what I see, the moment I see it. When I enter a store, I trust my eye to zero in on what's mint. That's the single most effective system I have for knowing when to pull the trigger on a purchase. If I find myself hemming and hawing, that's a clear indication that the garment in question is not destined to make my rotation. I walk away from the rack because I've failed to make a connection to those threads. On the other hand, if I know from the moment I see it that that particular piece is going to make me look awesome, I trust my instinct completely and it comes home with The Sitch.