Here's the Situation (4 page)

Read Here's the Situation Online

Authors: Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino

BOOK: Here's the Situation
7.82Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
On Tattoos
There was a time when every bro had a tribal armband tattoo over his biceps. But now the field of acceptable tattoos has grown to include the following categories:
Catholic
(suitable iconography includes praying hands, rosary beads, and Jesus on the cross—bonus points if Jesus has ripped-up abs).
 
Brand logos
(most commonly Ed Hardy and Cadillac, but also Red Bull and N.O.-Xplode workout supplement).
 
Familial
(family name rendered in tasteful Italian flag motif, Nanna's chicken piccata recipe, etc.).
Personally, I've never gotten a tattoo because I put so much work into my physique that to cover it up with ink seems like a crime against nature. If someone is going to draw all over me, it's going to be in frosting, and she's going to lick it off afterward. But each bro should take his own counsel in this matter.
four
THE GTL REMIX
N
ow that we've got your GTL squared away, I've got a special treat for you, dawg. Are you ready to step your game up to the next level? Because I'm about to blow your mind.
What if you were to take your gym, your tanning, your laundry, and then top it off with a complete mastery of personal grooming? You'd have nothing less than the GTL Remix.
Hair and Eyebrows
As per my haircut, I always get it cut the day of an event, a photo shoot, a hot date, or wherever I need to be looking my freshest. Now, you might not be dressing up for the red carpet at the Grammys, but that doesn't mean you should be going out to the club with hair that's not tight. So do it right and get it cut day-of. And get your eyebrows threaded, too. When you're creeping on a chick, you want her gazing deeply into your haunting eyes, not checking out your bushy brows.
And don't be going to Supercuts. You want a barber whose
craft
is cutting hair. It's his art. He needs to wake up each morning thinking about cutting hair the same way I'm thinking about hitting the gym—with passion. That's why I get my hair cut once a week and my eyebrows threaded every two weeks at Justin's Barber Shop in Manalapan, New Jersey. Justin does me up right. If you're beyond an hour's commute from Manalapan (and why would you be, as that would mean you're precariously far from the Jersey Shore), I strongly recommend finding someone who can tighten up your fade like Justin.
Caesar Guido Augustus (circa 50 b.c.e.) is credited with history's first blowout. He had sick abs and was Rome's fiercest creeper. His personal maxim, creepito ergo smooshum, was later paraphrased by French philosopher René Descartes.
On Blowouts, Fauxhawks, et al
T
here was a time when every bro on the Jersey Shore wore the distinctive “blowout” cut, with every hair blow-dried skyward, then gelled and sprayed into a perfect flattop. Nowadays this style is something of a throwback, except for in Providence, RI, where it is still de rigueur. I prefer to rock a tight fade on the sides with a bit of style on top. Sometimes I'll even get lines or shooting stars shaved into the sides. You're welcome to try advanced styles like this, but be aware that your situation has to be functioning at a high level for you to pull it off. If not, I recommend sticking to the fauxhawk, which is a nice, safe style to roll with until you bring your situation up to the level of The Situation.
From left to right: a. Blowout. b. Fauxhawk. c. Tight fade. d. Tape-up
 
Scan these styles into your computer and drop in your photo to find the look that's right for you. Or, if you're still kicking it old-school, blow them up at Kinko's, cut a hole, and check yourself out in the mirror.
Shaving
I always wait until the last possible minute to shave so my face can be its smoothest for the longest possible time. If I'm hitting the club at 11:00 p.m. on a Friday, I'm not shaving Thursday. And I'm not shaving all day Friday, either. No blade is touching my face before 10:50 p.m. on Friday night. When that razor comes up, a fresh-faced Sitch is ready to get down.
As far as shaving the rest of your body parts, at a minimum you're going to want to shave your chest and six-pack. If you don't have a six-pack, you might as well stop reading here because I can't help you until you get your ab situation under control. I trim, but don't fully shave, my armpits. I don't make it a rule to shave my legs unless, as in the past, it's required for an underwear shoot and so forth.
While I don't recommend it as a permanent lifestyle choice, chicks do dig guys with shaved legs. Why? Maybe they're into the Michael Phelps look.
Fragrance
The final element of your personal grooming is your scent. Science informs us that men and women are attracted to each other through, among other factors, pheromones—i.e., the way we smell. It's critical that you consider the mood you're trying to convey and tailor your cologne accordingly. Whether that fragrance is Axe Body Spray Twist or Axe Body Spray Rise or Axe Body Spray Dark Temptation is all up to you.
My policy for selecting a scent goes right back to my policy for choosing clothing: I know in an instant whether I want it or not. It's the same with sexual attraction. A guy and a girl know in an instant whether or not they're destined to smoosh.
When it comes to picking a fragrance, things will get a lot easier for you in 2011. That's because the Situation cologne will be on the market. Pheromonally speaking, it's the one scent guaranteed to work in every situation.
On Nicknames
W
hen your situation gets to a certain level, you're going to need a code name that encompasses who you are and what you bring to the table. Mine came to me naturally: I was walking along the boardwalk with some buddies (my abs exposed for the benefit of the masses) when a girl and her guy approached from the opposite direction. The girl literally stopped and stroked her hand across my abs—so mesmerized was she by my ripped torso, she couldn't restrain herself. My boys couldn't believe a chick would do that right in front of her man, so one of them said, “Whoa, that's a situation.” I pointed to my abs and said, “No,
this
is The Situation.” And so out of a real-life situation came The Situation.
Unfortunately for you, most of the best nicknames are already taken, such as The Situation, The Rock, The Unit (a friend of mine), Marky Mark (with or without the Funky Bunch), and The Solution, the moniker I bestowed on Conan O'Brien before he became “Coco”—which, not for nothing, isn't exactly the sort of handle that's going to have chicks throwing themselves at you. Ideally, your situation will be so strong that an awesome moniker will be bestowed upon you. If it doesn't happen spontaneously, here are some suggestions:
The Foundation
The Sensation
The Inflammation
The Conflagration
The Haitian Nation
His Emanation
Zero Gravitation
The Eradication
Redonkulation
Jason Space Station
The Amalgamation
The Abrasion
The Emancipation Proclamation
The Act of Persuasion
The Asian Invasion
My Caucasian Relation
Autoerotic Asphyxiation
Wartime Inflation
Bill (short for William)
Real-Life Situation
I was in the terminal at LAX hustling to my cross-country flight back to JFK when I spotted this towering dude eyeballing me. He was a good distance away, but I could swear I recognized him. The guy was just about to board his flight, but stopped and put up his hand to tell the gate attendant to wait a minute. Then he pointed in my direction and started trotting over.
As he got closer, I realized I was looking at Dwayne Johnson—The Rock!
The Rock stuck out his massive hand to shake mine and said, “Situation, you're brilliant. America loves you. You've branded yourself and nobody even taught you how to do it!”
I'm a confident guy, but when I get feedback like that from a celebrity that I have immense respect for, I take it as the ultimate compliment and as serious validation. I hope to repay the favor by casting The Rock as my slightly less ripped partner in my upcoming big-budget action film
The Ab-breviators
. The tag line is: “They'll shorten anything. Including your life.”
SITCH AB FACT: One of my rectus abdominis muscles, better known as my six-pack, has a holding deal with FOX for its own spin-off. Industry buzz is that it's a buddy-cop dramedy costarring Tom Green.
Some Final Thoughts
Gym. Tanning. Laundry. And now, the GTL Remix. When you put these key principles together and incorporate them into your daily life, I guarantee you're going to feel fantastic. And when you feel fantastic, you act fantastic. You exude confidence, no matter the situation. Adopting the GTL lifestyle says you take pride in your body and all the gifts God gave you. If you want your own situation, you will learn to live by this code.
PART II
As Per the Scene
five
THE JERSEY SHORE
E
ven if you're not familiar with MTV's breakout hit show of the same name, you likely already know that there's only one place on Earth that combines sun, sand, and DTF babes: the Jersey Shore.
Wintering
It's a long, cold winter in the Northeast. As warrior-poet Pauly D once said, “You can't tan in the winter. You can't creep in the winter. You can't do nothing in the winter.” That's why you have to party hard all summer because before you know it, the days start getting shorter and the nights start getting colder. It's sad, bro. But that's why summer at the Jersey Shore is more intense than at any other beach in the world.

Other books

The Square by Rosie Millard
Hard Cash by Mike Dennis
At Your Service by Jen Malone
Thief by Anitra Lynn McLeod
The Man in Possession by Hilda Pressley
Double Dexter by Jeff Lindsay