Here's the Situation (13 page)
Read Here's the Situation Online
Authors: Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino
Real-Life Situation
There are two sides to the relationship coin. A girl once creeped on me. What complicated our potential relationship was that it wasn't necessarily love at first sight from my perspective. Don't get me wrong, she was smokin' hot. I just wasn't immediately certain she belonged in my Girlfriend Material classification. First off, she wasn't really my type. She was blond and at the time I was more attracted to dark-haired Italian girls. But I was open to new possibilities and eager to see where our time together might lead.
We were in the same college class together, playing flirtatious games with stolen glances and half-hidden smiles. One day she approached me after class, handed me her number, and told me to call. I was definitely impressed by her assertiveness. Being confident isn't a one-way street and I appreciate a woman who goes after what she wants. I soon realized that this girl was a real beautyâin looks and personality. Before long, she was true Girlfriend Material, headed home with me to meet my parents. We dated for about three years, but eventually, I had to move on to fresh bangs.
eleven
GIVING BACK
A
fter long days and nights of working the GTL lifestyle, crushing it at the club, and smooshing hotties, most creepers would either collapse from exhaustion and severe dehydration, fizzle out like some half-assed firecracker, or simply hole up in their crib for weeks at a stretch to claw back up to their game-day level. But as The Situation, I know I have a responsibility to the greater good. My mission on this planet is to go hard 24/7 until everyone is looking mint, feeling fresh to death, and walking the streets of a Grenade-Free America. That's why I've created the Grenade-Free Foundation. As its founder and president, I'm committed to helping those less fortunate than myselfâwhether it be feeding the homeless (see Real-Life Situation, next page), or encouraging the visually deficient to hit the gym hard, get some color, and purchase clothing that's properly tailored to their physique. Not unlike Batman (one badass creeper, BTW), while my fellow citizens of the world are engaged in horizontal slumber, I'm out there making this a better planet for us to live on, one situation at a time.
fter long days and nights of working the GTL lifestyle, crushing it at the club, and smooshing hotties, most creepers would either collapse from exhaustion and severe dehydration, fizzle out like some half-assed firecracker, or simply hole up in their crib for weeks at a stretch to claw back up to their game-day level. But as The Situation, I know I have a responsibility to the greater good. My mission on this planet is to go hard 24/7 until everyone is looking mint, feeling fresh to death, and walking the streets of a Grenade-Free America. That's why I've created the Grenade-Free Foundation. As its founder and president, I'm committed to helping those less fortunate than myselfâwhether it be feeding the homeless (see Real-Life Situation, next page), or encouraging the visually deficient to hit the gym hard, get some color, and purchase clothing that's properly tailored to their physique. Not unlike Batman (one badass creeper, BTW), while my fellow citizens of the world are engaged in horizontal slumber, I'm out there making this a better planet for us to live on, one situation at a time.
Real-Life Situation
Not long after I landed in Florida for an event, in order to maintain my rigorous nutrition schedule, I made a stop at a gas station convenience mart to purchase a quick protein shake. I'm to a point where my routine is so ingrained that I start to get hungry every two hours, just like an alarm clock going off inside my rock-hard stomach (it makes a sound like a hammer striking an anvil).
I was wearing a rather stylish, flashy jacket, so I was easily recognizable at the gas station and was approached by a few people filming me with their digital cameras. As I posed for some photographs and signed autographs for the group, I noticed an unfortunate gentleman hovering off to the side who looked like he was down on his luck. He came up to me and asked me if I could spare a quarter. A quarter! I was so taken aback by his modest request that I said, “What're you gonna do with a quarter, bro? Y'know what, I think I can spare a little more than that. Are you hungry?”
He said, “Yeah. I am.”
“I'd like to buy you a meal. Whaddya feel like eating?”
He looked across the street and said, “Wendy's.”
Being as health conscious as I am, I didn't think that was the most nutritious choice he could make, but I wasn't going to argue with him, so I said I would accompany him across the street to Wendy's. But then he noticed that the restaurant section was closed and only the drive-thru was open. He said, “No, that's okay. But can you buy me a dozen eggs here in the mini mart?”
We went inside together and he grabbed a carton of eggs from the cooler.
I said, “You need anything else, dawg?”
“I could use some butter.”
He grabbed a pound of butter and I said, “How about chips? You like chips?”
“Yes.”
“Grab a selection of chips. In a variety of flavors. Knock yourself out.”
He gathered up some bags of chips and I said, “C'mon, that's all you want? Stock up, man. Grab whatever you want.”
I'm not saying I'm Mother Teresa or anything. But whatever. This happened.
In my mind I was thinking about how much money I'm offered to show up at a club for a couple hours and this guy doesn't have food to eat. I couldn't imagine a dollar figure that he could ring up at the register of this gas station mini mart that would concern me. He filled his basket with some juice, some macaroni and cheese, canned soups, and some other staples for a very modest grand total of about $60 for three bags of groceries. I was happy to tug the bills out from the bottom of my fat roll. I gave him the change, shook his hand, and wished him well. I told him I hoped things started to turn around for him soon. As I left, I saw him walking through the Wendy's drive-thru.
The best way to contribute to society is by educating yourself. Everywhere I go and talk to young people, I try to drop knowledge. I tell them that they can't drop their own knowledge one day if they choose now to drop their books in the trash can. After high school I attended Brookdale Community College in Lincroft, New Jersey, where I earned my Associate Degree in Business Administration. From there I transferred to Kean University in Union, New Jersey. And I ended my foray into higher education at Monmouth University in West Long Branch, New Jersey, where, admittedly, I'm still a few credits short of my bachelor's degree. But who knows, if things keep going the way they are, I might collect a few honorary doctorates before I finish my bachelor's. Seriously though, I believe that everyone should pursue a high-quality education. And I recommend the college experience as a whole because it's such a huge developmental period for a young person out in the world for probably the first time in his or her life. Plus, there ain't no creeping like college-chick creeping.
Situation Commencement Address
Fellow crushers and crushettes. Congratulations! You have rocked your GTL. You have beat up the beat. You motorboated dozens of worthy Jell-O shot girls, dodged grenades, and smooshed with the creepers who won your hearts at the club. Somewhere along the way, presumably, you have also attended classes. In short, you shredded your college experience. But now, it's time to move on. The working world will present you with
many challenges. For instance, I was employed as a personal fitness trainer and sports underwear model before becoming the star of the number-one-rated cable television program for viewers age eighteen to thirty-four. But of course, I don't need to tell you that, dear graduates, because you fall squarely into that key advertising demographic. And while weights, underpants, and reality television were revealed as my true calling, there are those of you who may choose a different path. To you I say: Shoot for the stars, and if you hit the moon, that's still okay. Even if the moon just happens to be sitting like a drone in front of a computer in a cubicle inside some soulless office park complex. In the club, as in life, each creeps his own creep, in his own way. So, if I can leave you with a word of advice, it's this: Keep doing those sit-ups. I know it's difficult. It's uncomfortable and you want to quit. But don't. This life is about going hard or going home, and with ripped abs, pretty much like Rambo, your future is assured. Thank you.
many challenges. For instance, I was employed as a personal fitness trainer and sports underwear model before becoming the star of the number-one-rated cable television program for viewers age eighteen to thirty-four. But of course, I don't need to tell you that, dear graduates, because you fall squarely into that key advertising demographic. And while weights, underpants, and reality television were revealed as my true calling, there are those of you who may choose a different path. To you I say: Shoot for the stars, and if you hit the moon, that's still okay. Even if the moon just happens to be sitting like a drone in front of a computer in a cubicle inside some soulless office park complex. In the club, as in life, each creeps his own creep, in his own way. So, if I can leave you with a word of advice, it's this: Keep doing those sit-ups. I know it's difficult. It's uncomfortable and you want to quit. But don't. This life is about going hard or going home, and with ripped abs, pretty much like Rambo, your future is assured. Thank you.
While I may not technically have my four-year degree, I do have my Ph. Pauly-D in Crushonomics from M.I.Creep.
SITCH AB FACT: Last winter my abs foiled a plot to blow up the Golden Gate Bridge. And I wasn't even on the West Coast at the time. In recognition of a grateful nation, President Obama presented me with the Presidential Medal of Kickin' Ass and Takin' Names, the highest award a private citizen can receive for awesomeness.
The gym is my church. When you work out as hard as I do, it requires a tremendous amount of mental preparation and endurance. Working out, if you're doing it right, is pain. The prospect of experiencing that pain can discourage a person from returning to the gym with the frequency necessary to have ripped-up abs. But putting your time in at the gym is guaranteed to make you a physically, mentally, and spiritually stronger person. Finding a spiritual footing in this life is about having a strong body, a confident personality, and a generous spirit. You don't get many shots in this life to make it big, and sometimes you only get one. You're lucky just to get in the league, let alone sit on the bench, let alone play in the game. I don't believe in taking any of my good fortune for granted. In my life, I've been a regular guy and I've been an international superstar. But the moral of my story is that I like the second thing a lot better.
The Creeper's Prayer
God grant me the stamina to satisfy hot chicks,
the courage to deny grenades,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
the courage to deny grenades,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
twelve
ON FAME AND SUCH
L
ook, everybody loves me: babies, dogs, hot girls, cougars. I just have unbelievable mass appeal. My demographic stretches from grade-school kids to grandparents. I've had pregnant moms approach me (no one yet to say they're carrying a little situation of their own, knock on wood) who hand me a onesie they want me to sign for their newborn. At one of my appearances in St. Louis, Missouri, a guy fainted. That's not a misprintâa
dude
fainted at the sight of The Situation. In Connecticut, a girl was hysterical crying. She was inconsolable to the point I thought she was at a funeral. So I did the only thing I thought would help: I lifted my shirt. But that just made things worse and she was whisked away by ambulance.
ook, everybody loves me: babies, dogs, hot girls, cougars. I just have unbelievable mass appeal. My demographic stretches from grade-school kids to grandparents. I've had pregnant moms approach me (no one yet to say they're carrying a little situation of their own, knock on wood) who hand me a onesie they want me to sign for their newborn. At one of my appearances in St. Louis, Missouri, a guy fainted. That's not a misprintâa
dude
fainted at the sight of The Situation. In Connecticut, a girl was hysterical crying. She was inconsolable to the point I thought she was at a funeral. So I did the only thing I thought would help: I lifted my shirt. But that just made things worse and she was whisked away by ambulance.
So when I'm out there on the road, smooshing chicks and spreading peace and joy, the public has an expectation that they're going to get The Situation. But listen, dawg: What about Mike Sorrentino? What about that kindhearted boy from New Jersey with a tub of protein powder and big dreams? Does he get lost in all this?
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