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    “Holy
shit.”  He scoops me up and crawls back onto the bed and then he collapses
onto his back, pulling me down onto his chest.  We’re both hot and sticky.
 My cheek suctions to his chest.  I don’t care.  I scoot as close
as I can and I use my finger to write words on his chest.  Words I want to
write in my journal right now.  Words that I’m afraid to say out loud.

    “You
okay?” Dillon asks as he pulls the sweaty strands of hair off of my face.

    “This
is the best college party ever,” I joke.

    “I
mean, was it too much?  Are you sore?” he asks, still feathering his
finger across my face.

    “A
little but I’m okay.  Really.  We should get back to your friends.”
 I start to sit up but he pulls me back down.

    “Wait.”
 He holds my face so he can see my eyes.  “Amy, are we okay?”

    “What
do you mean?”

    “I
just don’t want you to feel weird.  I mean, you’re joking about the
college hook-up thing?  This isn’t just sex for me, you know that right?”

    “Yeah,
I do,” I try to say convincingly.  I honestly do feel a little weird
because I’m not sure what this is between us, but I’m relieved to hear that it
is more for him too, because it is everything to me.

CHAPTER 19

Amy

    “Ah!
 There they are,” Danny slurs, holding his cup in the air to cheer us.

    I’m
a little embarrassed.  They obviously know why we disappeared, but at the
same time, I know this is what happens at parties.  I’m all of a sudden
feeling a little panicky.  Maybe overwhelmed with everything that’s
happening and now being around all of these people.  The drinks are going
down too smoothly now.  I’m halfway through a third cup when everything
starts to spin.  I feel hot and shaky.  My heart is beating too fast.
 I can’t control my body from swaying.  My eyes are so tired and they
keep trying to close.  I look around at everyone else and can’t tell if
I’m the only one spinning.  Then I see Candice walking towards me.

    “Hi
Amy.”

    “Hi
Candice.”

    Not
awkward.  Nope.  Not at all.

    Dillon
pulls me onto his lap and wraps his arms around my waist.  “You okay?” he
whispers in my ear.

    “Think
so.”  No, I am so not okay.

    The
group is smaller now.  It’s just Dillon’s closer friends.  We all
take seats on the tree stumps surrounding the small bonfire.  Candice
takes the only spot left, which happens to be next to me.  They all
suggest playing a game that they’ve played before.  It’s called
Never
Have I Ever
.

    “So,
basically each person makes a statement starting with, never have I ever.
 You’re supposed to pick something you’ve never done but something most
people have, because the people that have, will lose a chip.  It’s how we
keep score.  You want to keep your chips.  So for example, you can
say never have I ever gone to the zoo.  Everyone who has gone to the zoo
loses a chip.  If they haven’t, they get to keep the chip, but….we changed
it up and if you haven’t, you have to drink.  I have a feeling you might
win this game but be very drunk by the end.”  Dillon chuckles and looks
over at me.  “They like to talk about sex, just so you know.”  Then
he whispers in my ear, “If you’re uncomfortable we don’t have to play.”

    At
first, I don’t want to play because I’m afraid I’ll look like an idiot, but I
want to feel normal for once and play a stupid game with people my age, and it
doesn’t sound that bad.

    “I’m
fine,” I tell him. “Let’s play.”  I can hear my voice starting to sound
funny, but I can’t control it.  My lips feel numb.  Dillon’s strong
arms try to hold me still because my body is swaying side to side on his lap.

    Ben
stands up and passes each person ten chips.  Apparently they play games
like this often.  “I’ll start,” he volunteers, already bent over laughing.
 “Never have I ever, kissed a guy.”

    I’m the
first to throw in a chip with a big smile on my face, everyone else follows
suit.  Everyone but Ben.  Everyone is laughing hysterically and then
I finally understand why.  Danny and Dillon threw in a chip.  I try
to turn my head to look at Dillon but he’s hiding behind my back.

    “It
was a fucking dare,” he says, his voice muffled by my back.

    “Oh
my God, I remember that.  He kissed Danny.  Like right on the mouth.
 You were so drunk, Dillon.”  Tess giggles.

    “That
was the best kiss I ever had,” Danny says dreamily.  Tess reaches over and
slugs his arm.

    “Okay,
okay.  Amy, your turn.”

    There
are so many things that I’ve never done, but I decide to go with something
safe.          “Never have I ever
been on a date.”

    I
hear a bunch of sad ‘awwwws’, as everyone throws in a chip.  Dillon
presses his lips against my ear and mumbles. “We’ll have to fix that.”  I
turn and smile at him.

    “Your
turn Tess.”

    “Okay,
um, never have I ever swallowed,” Tess confesses.  Everyone boos at her
and Ben pats a pouting Danny on the back.  

    “I
have a bad gag reflex,” she says sadly.

    I
watch as Katelyn and Candice both toss in a chip. Candice looks right at me as
I take my drink.  “Poor Dillon,” she says, licking her lips.

    “Knock
it off Candice,” Dillon says, annoyed with her dig.

    “You
go Katelyn,” Dillon urges.

    “Okay.
 Never have I ever, had a threesome.”

    Candice
is the only one that throws her chip into the pile.  Everyone’s eyes fall
on her and she just shrugs.  At first, I wonder if Dillon was involved,
but he doesn’t throw in a chip and everyone seems a little put off.  I
know Dillon’s only been with her, so that must hurt. To know she’s done stuff
like that while he’s been faithful to their friendship all that time.  I
guess it could have happened before him, but from everyone’s expressions,
probably not.  

    We
all take our drink and Ben breaks the silence. “Never have I ever had sex with
a virgin.”

    Of
course, Candice throws in her chip and then smirks at me.  I know she’s
referring to Dillon.   “It was still good Dillon, even though it was
your first time.”

    I
feel him inhale and then his chest tightens up like he’s about to say
something.  I grab a chip out of his hand and whip it into the pile and
then smile at Candice.  Her eyes go wide and everyone starts to hoot and
holler.

    I
feel Dillon shake with laughter behind me, his forehead resting on my back as
he tries to muffle the sound.  His arms give me a tight squeeze.

    I
know I’m sinking to her level, making it known that Dillon and I had sex, but
she’s playing dirty and I can’t help it.

    “It’s
my turn!” Candice yells, breaking through the laughter. “Never have I ever
watched two people having sex like a freak!” she screams at me.

    The
smile falls from my face.  I glance around the circle at everyone’s
expressions.  It’s completely silent and everyone’s eyes are on me.
 All of a sudden, my stomach is queasy and my throat starts to burn.
 I can’t hold back.  I lean forward as Dillon’s arms tighten around
my waist so I don’t fall off of his lap and I vomit.  It just keeps coming
and coming.  I hear laughter, but it sounds like it’s in a tunnel.
 They’re all laughing at me.

    Dillon
quickly lifts me and carries me toward the house.  My stomach stops
convulsing for a few moments and he manages to get me to the bathroom in time
for the next round.  I’m sweaty and my stomach hurts so badly.  I
lean over the toilet bowl gagging, but there’s nothing left in my stomach.
 He leans over me, rubbing my back until I feel like I got everything out.
 I feel like my insides are on fire.

    “Let’s
get you cleaned up.”  He helps me to stand and strips my clothes off while
I clutch onto his shoulders for balance.  Then he turns the shower on.
 I see the steam start to fill the bathroom.

    As
my limp body is being dragged to the shower, I start having flashbacks and I’m
transported back to that house.

    “You’re
a whore Amy.  You let that boy fuck you.  You need to wash his filth
from your body.”

    Forceful
hands try to hold me still and carry me into the water.  A guttural cry
breaks loose from my throat as I scream over and over.  “NO!”  I dig
my heels into the tile floor and claw at the arms holding me. NO!”  I
thrash my body trying to break free from the grip but it’s strong.  It
can’t be my mother.  It’s
him
.  I scream until my throat is
numb, I dig my nails into his skin.

    “Amy
stop. Stop it!”  I hear him yell.  His grip gets stronger, holding me
down.  I won’t let him touch me like he touched my mother.  I’d
rather die.  I buck my body and kick my legs but I feel weak and he’s too
strong.

    I
let my body go slack and sob.  “Please don’t,” I cry. “Please.”

    “Amy,
its Dillon.”

    I hear
several footsteps pounding up the stairway and loud voices behind the door, but
it’s like I’m dreaming.  I’m not sure what’s real.  I hear pounding
on the door and I hear yelling, but it sounds so far away.

    “Dillon.
 Open the door, man.”

    “We just
want to help Dillon, open the door.”

    “She’s
okay!” I hear his voice yell at the door.  “Amy, you’re okay,” he whispers
softly in my ear as his arms wrap around my shaking body.  “Amy, it’s me.
 You’re okay.”  He slowly rocks our bodies back and forth.

    “Dillon,”
I whimper. I glance around the bathroom, slowly coming to the realization that
I just had a major panic attack.

    “It’s
me.  No one’s gonna hurt you.  I just want to get you cleaned up.
 I’m gonna take you in the shower. It’s not hot, Amy.”  He picks me
up like a child.  I wrap myself around him as he carries me into the water
and slumps down to the shower floor holding me in his lap.   I cry
while the water pours over us.

    “Something’s
wrong with me.  They all think I’m a freak.  They laughed at me.”

    “They
didn’t laugh at you.  They’re worried about you and you’re not a freak.
 You just had too much to drink and you’ve been so tired.  You need
to rest.”

    “I
just wanted to be normal.”

CHAPTER 20

Dillon

    I hold
her as she cries on the shower floor.  It breaks my heart to see her like
this.  I know she hasn’t been sleeping, she just got a sleep aid last
night, but didn’t take it.  Adding the alcohol was a bad combination.
 

    She
eventually passes out in my arms, so I dry us both off the best I can and carry
her to Laney’s bed.  I pull a t-shirt over her head and tuck her in and
sit for a little while to make sure she’s okay.  She’s pale as hell and
looks so fragile.  I wish I wouldn’t have let her drink so much, but she
was having so much fun.  To see her laugh and smile made my heart melt.

    Everyone
is downstairs wondering what the hell just happened, so I kiss Amy on the
forehead and change out of my wet clothes before I head downstairs.  They
are all whispering and I can only imagine what they’re all thinking.

    “She’s
okay,” I announce as I take my last step down the stairs.

    “What
the hell happened up there?” Danny asks.

    “She
just had too much to drink and I think she just remembered something from her
past that scared her.  She passed out.  I don’t want to leave her
alone so I’m going back up.  You guys are welcome to stay.  I don’t
want anyone driving.  Sorry to cut the party short.”

    “Hey
man, it’s fine.  Hope she feels better,” says Ben.

    “Yeah
Dillon.  Tell her we were worried about her,” Tess says with tears in her
eyes.  

    I
know she’s concerned.  They all know a little bit about why Amy came here.

“Thanks.  Night guys.”
 I give a small wave and head back up to Amy.

    She hasn’t
moved.  I crawl into bed with her and wrap my arms around her, but she
doesn’t even stir.  She is going to feel like shit in the morning, that’s
for sure. I just hope she can get past what happened.  I need to make sure
she knows that I don’t think she’s sick like her mother or that she needs
medication.  I know that bothers her.  She just needs someone to
listen to her and be there for her and I want to be that person.

    I
lay awake just watching her sleep.  The amount of emotions pouring out of
me from seeing her hurting like that is something I’ve never experienced
before. I just want to take her pain away.  I curl up to her and try to
get some sleep, but it’s almost impossible.  I toss and turn.
 Eventually, I doze off thinking about the things I want to say to Amy.
 Things she needs to hear.

    The
morning light starts to spill through the window, waking me.  The clock
reads 6:15.  I turn my head to see Amy’s peaceful face.  She’s still
in a deep sleep, so I let her be and slip out of the room quietly to head for
the shower.

    I
open my bedroom door and stop abruptly when I see a body in my bed.
 Candice.  She’s sound asleep.  I told them all they could stay
here, but that wasn’t an invitation for her to sleep in my fucking bed.
 I’m pissed.  I need to get her out before Amy wakes up.  She’s
the last thing Amy needs to deal with.

    “Candice.”
 I shake her.  “Candice.”  She’s all curled up in my bed,
twisted in my covers.  My entire room smells like her.  I shake my
head, running my fingers through my hair.  “Candice!”

    “Yeah.
 Yeah.  God, Dillon.  I’m awake.”

    “You
need to leave.”

    “What
the hell?”

    “You
need to leave.  I have to get in the shower.  I have a client coming
this morning.”

    “Okay.
 Relax.  Give me a minute.”

    “I
need to get in the shower right now or I’m going to be late.  He’s going
to be here in like thirty minutes.”

    “Okay
Dillon.  Go.  Get in the shower.  I’ll grab my things.”

    Shit.
 I’m an ass.  “I’m sorry Candice.  You know I wouldn’t normally
act like this but it’s just….it’s not a good time, okay.”

    “I
get it,” she says, glaring at me.

    I
nod my head at her and gather my clean clothes and walk past her to the master
bath.  She can be a good friend, but she can be spiteful too.  After
last night, I shouldn’t feel guilty kicking her out like that.  When I
broke things off with her, she agreed that it was just sex between us and that
she didn’t see our relationship going any further.  I told her about my
feelings for Amy.  I tried to be honest.  I made sure not to take
things any further with Amy until I talked to Candice.  She was angry at
first, but we talked several times since, and she’s been fine.  But, last
night was just not cool.  She can’t be here when Amy wakes up.

    I
finish in the shower and get dressed.  When I open the bathroom door, I
see Candice.  She’s still here, in my bedroom and she’s wearing my fucking
t-shirt and nothing else.