Hindsight (12 page)

“I’ve always had it. It reminds me of how we used to be. I swear that once this trial is over, I’m going to be him again. The man in the picture that was in love with you after just one glance in a grocery store, but couldn’t admit it to himself. I never believed in love at first sight until I saw you,” he confessed and it made my heart ache in my chest.

“I didn’t know you felt that way.”

He didn’t answer me. Instead, he gave me that sad smile again and swept the shoulder-length hair tenderly away from my face, tucking it behind my ear. I leaned forward with my hand still caressing his cheek and laid the softest kiss on his dry lips.

He never did say the words. With everything he confessed to me, not once did he tell me that he still loved me. I couldn’t argue, though. It was a step. At least in some way, it was a confession of love. And maybe with Tony, that was all I would get.

“Now it’s my turn,” he said excitedly with a glint in his eyes. He was such a child and didn’t even wait until I grabbed the gift for him. He found it beneath the tree and tore into it immediately.

He stared at it for a long time without saying a single word before looking back to me. There was no smile to his face, no twinkle in his eyes, and it worried me that the Christmas Tony was gone. That was until he lowered himself to his knees on the floor and crawled the few feet to me. He moved my gift out of my lap and positioned himself between my legs, reaching up to my face with both hands before capturing my mouth in a searing kiss that I felt in my toes. “Where it all began,” he whispered on my lips.

My mind was seriously fucked up.

After the gifts, we cleaned up the room and I began to prepare dinner. I was surprised to see him hanging around in the kitchen while I cooked. He normally sat in front of the television and watched the sports channel. But instead of leaving me to the food, he kept me company and assisted with various things.

At around eight o’clock that night, after we ate, after we watched a few Christmas movies together in front of the fire, he got dressed and left the house. He told me he would be right back and kissed me on the lips before leaving. I knew where he was going. He was on his way to see Laurie. I wasn’t an idiot. Even with all of his sweet gestures and loving words, his attention and affection, he couldn’t ignore his mistress.

The thought almost made me cry. But then I remembered Sean, feeling like a horrible person for forgetting about him until that moment. Tony had me so dizzy from his actions that I hadn’t thought about Sean at all. Sean, the only one that truly loved me. He loved me every day, not just on December twenty-fifth.

I made a call and agreed to meet him at our place. We called it our place because it was where we’d meet up for a quick visit, when all we needed to do was see each other for a few minutes.

I pulled into the parking lot of the office building several miles from my home that was abandoned on weekends and evenings. I panned the parking lot for Sean as I turned off my lights. Sean was already there, waiting for me. He climbed in the passenger seat of my car. His lips were immediately on mine and I recognized the difference between kisses instantly.

Sean’s kisses were passionate, heated, fusing our lips together as if neither one could live without the breath of the other. They weren’t full of regret or remorse. They were full of promises of the future and undying love.

We both knew that we couldn’t exchange gifts due to Tony. But that didn’t stop him. He placed a box in my lap and smiled deviously at me. I looked at him, wondering why he had gotten me something after we had agreed not to buy each other anything.

“You won’t have to worry about explaining anything. Just tell him you bought it for yourself. Wait a few days and tell him you went shopping,” he explained.

I opened it with caution, worried about what was inside. I worried more about how I would explain it to Tony than what it actually was. But once I saw it, I knew I had nothing to worry about. Sean had bought me a Kindle Fire. It wouldn’t be hard to explain that to Tony. He knew how much I loved to read and wouldn’t doubt it for a second if I told him I had gotten it for myself.

“Thank you so much, Sean. But I don’t have anything for you.”

“Leave Tony. That’s the only gift I want from you.”

I huffed out a breath, exhausted from the same conversation with him. It was Christmas and I was having a good day. I didn’t want it muddled with the topic of leaving my husband. I only wanted to see him for a few minutes, kiss his lips, and tell him I love him. That’s all I wanted, not this conversation.

“I know,” he said. “I’m not trying to start this again. I’m just letting you know what I want for Christmas. I want to start 2015 off with you. I want us to go into the new year together… just me and you. That’s all I want.”

I touched his face and leaned forward, silencing his pleas with my lips, my tongue, and my love. I needed more time. I needed his patience. And I worried I wouldn’t get that from him. I had no words to comfort him since I couldn’t make that kind of promise. After the day Tony and I had, I felt more confident that I would be able to go into the new year with Sean, but nothing with Tony was guaranteed. Nothing.

A few minutes had quickly turned in to forty. I didn’t want to watch him go but I knew I needed to get back home. When Tony left to meet Laurie, I could expect him to be gone anywhere from two to four hours. But with the way he was acting, I figured it would be closer to two hours. I knew I still had some time to spare but didn’t want to push my luck.

I said goodbye to Sean and headed home. The very last thing I expected to see was Tony’s car parked in the driveway. So when I pulled in and saw his car sitting there, my anxiety reached an all-time high. How would I explain where I was on Christmas night? Nothing was open and I had no reason to go anywhere. Not to mention, all I had with me was my new tablet. He would know there wasn’t a single place I could have gone to buy it.

I walked around the front of his car, touching my hand gently on the hood. Cold. That meant he had been home for a while. If I told him I had just left, there was a big chance he would know it was a lie. If I told him I had left just after he did, which was the truth, he would wonder where I had been for almost an hour. I didn’t have an answer for him.

I tried desperately to calm my erratic heart and headed for the door.

I found Tony sitting on the couch in front of the television set. He never once looked over at me or gave me any indication that he knew I was home. I slipped my coat off and hung it up on the hook by the front door. He waited until I had taken two steps before speaking.

“Where have you been?” he asked without taking his eyes off the screen. His voice was deep and full of an emotion I don’t believe I had ever heard come from him. It resembled pain or grief.

“I was just driving around. You left and I didn’t want to be alone.”

Tony finally stood from the chair and turned to me. He silently walked toward me and wrapped me in his arms. He placed his face in my hair and took in deep breath. I started to calm down from my panic induced state until he pulled away from me.

“I went to the gas station up the road. I know how much you like to eat chocolate ice cream in front of the fire. I came home and you were gone.” His voice was consumed with sorrow and I didn’t know what that meant. “It’s in the freezer. I’m going to bed. I would appreciate it if you’d wash his scent off you before you join me.” And with that, he turned and walked away, leaving me with his pained words.

Fear took hold of me and left me breathless. He knew. He knew about Sean. Maybe not about Sean specifically, but about another man. And instead of beating me with his fist, he broke my heart with his lack of violence. I would have felt better had he slapped me around. After the day we had together, it was like a knife in my back.

Not only that, but it left me fearing the next day.

December 19
th
, 2014

I may not have felt a connection to people, but I did feel a connection to animals. A dog, for instance, could be swatted at every day, yet he would still run to his owner every evening when the front door opened. Loyalty. That’s what animals possessed. They were loyal almost to a fault, and that is what I connected with. They could also be protective, and that’s how I felt in regards to them. I felt the need to protect them, to keep them safe, and to love them the way others hadn’t.

Give it time and animals would forget all about the abuse they had been shown. I felt that way, too. After an extended period of kindness from Tony, I would almost forget of his cruelty. Well… not forget, but I would begin to rationalize it in my head. I’m sure animals felt that same way.

My love for animals had been with me since I was young. I had learned at a young age that people weren’t just evil—they were also undependable. Aside from hurting you, they always had a way of disappointing you. I remembered the dog I had grown up with; she had been my best friend. The one I had cowered in a corner with when trying to make myself invisible while my dad raged on at my mom. I would bury my face in her fur until the hitting stopped, signaling it was safe to come out from the corner.

So I volunteered at a local animal shelter three mornings a week. I loved my time there and always felt at peace amongst the animals. I felt as if they knew me better than anyone else did. Was that even possible for animals to really know you? I believed it was. Tony disagreed with me so, instead of fighting with him about my volunteer work, I simply didn’t tell him.

On my days at the animal shelter, I made sure that my chores were done early on the night before. Tony never seemed to catch on. At least if he did, he never said anything to me. But I was sure that if he did have some idea of what I was doing, he wouldn’t have been able to keep his mouth shut. As long as the house was clean and dinner was ready, he had no reason to question the things I did while he was gone.

I pulled up and parked a smile already in place across my face. I couldn’t help it. This place made me happy. I tried not to dwell on my past and the fact that it had helped determine my life with Tony. The difference now was that I had finally come to the realization that I deserved more. I deserved better. Sean had taught me that. It was one of the many reasons I loved him. He was the only exception to the belief I had that people were cruel creatures. He was as gentle and loving as the animals I helped to protect.

In the lobby, there was a woman bringing in her kitten for adoption due to the fact that the kitten was scratching up her furniture. I shook my head at the woman’s ignorance. Of course, the kitten was scratching the furniture, that’s what they did if you didn’t give them a scratching post. Nothing irritated me more than watching someone disown their animal for such reasons. They wouldn’t give up their child for coloring on the walls would they?

I quickly signed in and waved hello to the front office workers before making my way down the path that led to all the animals. I immediately heard the welcoming sounds of barking and meowing; the animals had heard my footsteps as I approached the cages that lined the side of one of the many buildings.

“Hi, Norma!” I called out to another volunteer, who was inside one of the cages, busy with her routine of cleaning up. She spent even more time at the shelter than I did. Everyone joked that she practically lived there. She was lonely at home since her husband had passed away almost a year ago and found herself occupying her time with volunteering at different places around the city. She was another one looking for an escape. She was a sweet elderly woman who had never been able to have kids so now found herself all alone in the world. After meeting her and hearing of her story, a sinking feeling filled my gut that I was looking at the future version of myself.

“Charlotte, dear!” She waved excitedly. “Fluffy had her kittens!”

“She did?” I asked in excitement. Fluffy had been my pet project. I had been working with her since she was brought in six weeks earlier. She had been a pill and wouldn’t let anyone touch her except for me. The resident vet had wanted to put her to sleep, stating that she wasn’t fit to re-home. I had scoffed and sworn that I could turn her around. Just one look into her eyes and I knew they were wrong about her.

Not long after that we found out she was pregnant when her belly kept growing. It filled some void in me knowing she would have babies. I knew I never would so this would be the closest I would get to caring for something so small.

I was ecstatic at the thought of finally seeing how many kittens she had birthed, but saddened that I hadn’t been there to bear witness to the magic of it. I ran into the room, inside the feline building where Fluffy was housed.

“Hey, girl,” I said gently as I approached her cage. She meowed in response as if telling me how horrible it was, which made me giggle. I opened her cage and started to pet her head, which induced her purring.

I gasped at the site of the kittens lined up in a neat, adorable row along her stomach. She didn’t move as I ran my hands through her long black coat and inspected her babies. She just looked at me with what I swear was a sense of pride in her eyes. As if to say,
look what I did
.

I felt proud of myself for the first time in a long time. I had helped with this and had saved her life. As well as these six kittens. The vet had pretty much sentenced her to death before I convinced her to give me a chance at winning her over. She was skittish because of the abuse she had suffered. I felt an immediate kinship to her.

In the entire scope of life, I knew this was a small accomplishment, but it felt ginormous to me. I had made a difference in someone’s life, even though it was only the life of a cat. This cat and her kittens would eventually find homes succeeding in making quite a few families very happy. And possible make a child feel safe and loved.

That’s why I loved this place. I felt like I could make a difference here. At home, I felt like a failure at everything I attempted. Nothing was ever good enough for Tony. Even when he seemed pleased at something, I could never shake the feeling of failure.

I walked back outside to find Norma. I enjoyed talking to her and felt like I wanted to talk, even if our talks were mostly one-sided. I never told her, or anyone for that matter, details of my life. I was vague in the details and didn’t give specifics, just general comments. What I really enjoyed was hearing about her life. Even though she was alone, she was free to do whatever she pleased and that fascinated me. It was a life that I couldn’t even begin to imagine. I had gone from my parents’ home to Tony’s so I had never even had the chance to think of how I would live as an adult. Everything had always been just decided for me.

Norma was cleaning out a couple of the stalls that weren’t being used at the moment, so I went to help her. I was craving her kindness now more than the love I received from the animals. Something drew me to Norma. She had a good heart. She reminded me a lot of my mother, and when I found myself needing my mom, I tended to gravitate toward Norma. She didn’t have a child and I didn’t have a mother; we made a perfect, fucked-up match.

“How are you, kid?” she asked with a twinkle in her eye. She always had that twinkle, no matter how grey the skies were. She was always happy. Maybe that’s why I enjoyed being around her so much… she always had a way of brightening my day.

I could hear the smile in her voice and it was contagious. “I’m fine,” I replied as I returned her smile.

“Are you sure?” she asked, but not in a way that made me freeze up. I knew she would take the answers I gave her but not press for more. That’s why our relationship worked. She seemed content telling me stories of her past without digging too far into mine. I guess she could sense how much I needed to hear about her life and forget about my own.

I nodded. “How are you?” I picked up a broom and started to sweep as she stacked all the dishes.

“Same old. I was just thinking how I might enjoy a day off,” she quipped and I looked at her in surprise. She never talked of anything but this place, and part of me kind of wondered if she had her own secrets she was keeping.

“What would you do?”

“Maybe see a movie,” she said with a sigh. “Do you think you would go with me, if I decided to go?”

I looked at her in surprise. For some reason this seemed like a pivotal moment in her life, even though I didn’t have a clue as to why. “I guess I could go with you,” I finally mumbled.

We were both such misfits and that’s why we fit together and understood each other. Even though she didn’t know much about my life, she somehow seemed to know me. It was in the way she looked at me and in the tone of her voice when she spoke to me. I often wondered if her late husband was abusive, but never asked.

After I answered her question, she dropped it and didn’t bring it up again. I let her. It was as if the silent understanding between us slipped back into place. We all had our walls that surrounded us. Sometimes I felt that my wall was made of reinforced steel, but when I was around Norma, my walls felt like they were mere sheets hanging on a clothesline around me—they blocked me but they were penetrable.

By the time I was ready to leave, I hugged Norma goodbye, just as I always did. I stopped by Fluffy’s cage to pet her and her adorable babies once more before leaving. They bounced their blind little heads up and down at my touch. I wanted to take one of them home, but I knew it wouldn’t be safe. They were much safer at the shelter than at home with Tony.

I had actually wanted to take Fluffy home a few weeks ago, but Tony had almost popped a blood vessel at the mere mention of bringing an animal into our home. I didn’t understand why. He was never there anyway. But that didn’t matter. What Tony wanted, Tony got. And he didn’t want “another useless pussy” in his house. His words.

Before heading home, I stopped off at a personalized gift shop. I still hadn’t gotten a Christmas gift for Tony. He knew this because he checked under the tree every evening. He never said anything about it, but I could tell he was growing disappointed every day. Sometimes it made me feel sad for him when he’d check and nothing was there. It was the drop in his shoulders that almost broke my heart, like he was a child checking for a present from Santa. But the other side of me felt scared at how he would handle his disappointment. You never knew with Tony how his emotions would affect his attitude. I was safer just getting him something and putting it under the tree instead of prolonging it even more.

After looking at a few different things, I finally settled on a brown leather briefcase. A polished gold plate was affixed nicely on the front of the bag where I could have his name engraved. Tony loved to have his name on everything. It was his pride, I guess. I had the woman at the counter add Anthony Paulette to the plate with a smaller inscription below it—from the beginning.

That was his phrase so to speak. He used it in court all the time. Whenever he had someone on the stand, he was known to say, “let’s go back to where it all began.” I wanted to include it not only because it was what he was known for, but also as a hidden meaning for myself. If I went back to when it all began, I would change everything. I wouldn’t have agreed to have lunch with him. I would have politely smiled at his request and left him standing there, alone in the bread aisle. He would never know that’s what I had meant, but I would know. And that’s all that mattered.

Once I had gotten the gift taken care of and arrived at home, I quickly started to prep our evening meal before I remembered that Tony had told me he wouldn’t be home until late. I was suddenly giddy and decided to go on a walk. I hadn’t heard from Sean all day, despite texting him twice, so I needed something to take my mind off my obsessive phone checking. No matter how many times I looked at the screen it refused to produce a call or text from Sean.

I put my running shoes on and headed out the door only a few minutes after arriving. I loved to take walks. I enjoyed the escape they provided. I tried to walk three miles or so four times a week, usually just around my neighborhood. It provided me the ability to pretend I lived in one of the other expansive homes I passed. It was amazing how easily I could slip into the role of someone else’s life. It was fun for me to pretend that I came from some place different than I did. I didn’t want to think of my husband, who was sometimes a dick and then would mind-fuck me by being kind.

I would often imagine walking up one of the paver brick driveways to the large front door and walking inside to Sean. He would have just come home from work and we’d kiss. We would have dinner in the state-of-the-art kitchens and then make love in our bedroom that faced the golf course. Every house I walked past had a new vision of what it would be like to live there, not my home… with Sean, not Tony.

I was jerked from my thoughts as a woman yelled at her dog to stay in the yard. Instead, it disobeyed and came out to greet me. I put my hand out for the dog to sniff. I instantly noticed its friendly demeanor by the tail that was frantically wagging back and forth.