Hindsight (9 page)

That meant we hadn’t had any money coming in for months now. That’s when all of our money problems had started. It just took this long for things to catch up. The case that he had taken pro bono to make his career was now sucking him dry. And he had kept it all hidden from me.

It wasn’t just a possibility; it was our reality.

We were completely and utterly flat broke.

December 31
st
, 2014

It would be a huge test for my and Sean’s relationship. I didn’t know if he could handle it. He had been growing more frustrated about our situation lately and seemed almost at the breaking point. I just hoped we were strong enough to survive it. I had faith in us, but did he?

Sean’s pleas for me to leave Tony had begun to turn frantic, and I kept trying to reassure him that we would be together soon. I just had to be sure that my plan was solid and then tie up a few loose ends. I had a plan, one I had given a lot of thought to, and now it was just a matter of implementing it. Sean knew about my plan and had said it was a good one; he was overall supportive of me leaving Tony. He just wasn’t happy with how long it was taking. It was hard for him to see Tony treat me the way he did. I understood that, but it worried me that he didn’t understand where I was coming from. Yes, Tony beat me, but I wasn’t as worried about him killing me as Sean had been. He was convinced that Tony would snuff out my life, whereas I only worried about that happening if I left Tony. And that’s why I had to be meticulous and smart about it. I couldn’t just pack my bags like Sean wanted me to. I had to plan, and be smart. I had to follow Tony’s rules, too. And that’s something Sean didn’t know anything about. He didn’t know about the agreement that Tony and I had come up with.

I was hoping with all of my heart that Tony was on his best behavior during the party. He usually was in front of an audience, but it seemed to take less and less lately to push his buttons. I knew Laurie would also attend so I was anticipating that they would end up spending most of the night together, which was fine with me. Just about everyone already knew of their affair. It was far from a secret. I just found it humorous that they all were under the impression that I was blind to it. They were the blind ones, thinking Tony was a good guy. My eyes were finally wide open; they were the ones with their eyes tightly shut. But that was fine by me if they wanted to feel sympathetic toward me about it. I was the one fucking Tony’s best friend behind his back.

I was meeting Norma at the movies before lunch and then would come home in time to get ready for the party. Tony was working a half-day, so he wouldn’t be home until later, which allowed me time to escape for a bit with my friend. I felt incredibly lucky to have met her when I did. She provided me friendship, but never pushed.

I could not remember the last time Tony had worked on a holiday. The trial he was working on was seriously getting to him.

I arrived at the theater and immediately spotted Norma in front of the theater and waved to her as I approached.

“I got our tickets!” she exclaimed excitedly as I hugged her hello.

“Perfect! I’ll get lunch then,” I responded. I had some cash in my purse from my secret fund that Tony didn’t know about. I thought it was okay to splurge on myself this once. I had never taken and spent the cash on anything else before. It was my runaway money and nothing would come in the way of my goal of leaving Tony.

The movie was about an orphaned boy who was desperate to find a home of his own, a home where he belonged. I found myself immersed in the movie and wishing with all my heart that he would find a home. I tried not to anticipate what would happen during the movie, but I found the parallels between the boy and what I knew of Tony’s growing up years uncanny.

Norma and I slurped our drinks and shared a tub of buttery popcorn. I was so excited to experience something as simple as attending a move with a girlfriend. I felt like pinching myself to see if it was real. It was something I had never done before.

The movie ended, with the obligatory happily ever after ending. Norma dabbed at tears in the corners of her eyes at the end, but I kind of felt like it was bullshit. Endings didn’t happen like that in real life.

I was evidence of that.

“That was so good. I’m glad we did this,” she said as we exited the crowded theater. I couldn’t believe all the people that were at the movies on New Year’s Eve. I had mistakenly thought we would be the only ones here.

“Me too. It was a really touching movie.”

What came next had thrown me off guard. I had no way of knowing she would have said something so I wasn’t prepared for a response.

“You don’t have to stay with him, you know. There are plenty of ways to get away from him. Plenty of people you could see for help. I know it seems impossible, but it’s not. I just wanted to tell you that,” she said with sympathy in her eyes.

“I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about, Norma.”

“Whenever you’re ready to understand what I mean, you know where to find me.” She hugged me good-bye and we made plans to meet up in the next couple of days at the shelter.

I went to find my car and drive home, filling my mind with Norma’s words.

***

I was busy getting ready in the bathroom when I heard Tony come in. Whenever I was expecting him, it seemed like my senses were on high alert, and I swear I almost had superhuman hearing. It had been ingrained in me for so long, to always be ready because Tony usually came at me swinging and would ask questions later—or not at all.

I patted myself dry with the towel as Tony burst through the closed shower door.

“You’re not ready yet?” he asked sternly and looked worried.

“I will be by the time you said we would be leaving,” I answered timidly since I still wasn’t able to gauge what kind of mood he was in. It wasn’t as if he was a dick all of the time. Just most of it.

“Well, I really don’t want to be late, so let’s hurry.” He rushed out of the bathroom and I raised my eyebrows in question after him. What was the hurry? He was in a weird mood.

I went into our bedroom and he had his black tuxedo laid out on the bed next to what I guessed was my attire for the evening. Guess I wasn’t picking my red dress in the closet. I had my heart set on wearing it because I knew Sean loved to see me in red. He also loved it when I wore my hair up so I could at least wear my hair as he liked it.

“I’m going to shower,” Tony announced before passing me through the doorway as we switched rooms.

I quickly slipped into my lingerie while he was busy with his shower. I didn’t want him to see me naked. I knew it would mean he’d get turned on and then feel the need to fuck me before we left. I avoided any opportunity of him becoming turned on. And I steered clear of any situation that would lead to him fucking me.

I was just zipping up my dress when Tony came back into the room. We switched rooms again and I started on my hair and makeup.

My hair had turned out perfectly and I was just putting on the final touches when Tony came into the bathroom. I smiled at him in the mirror, despite myself. I was happy because my hair was behaving and the body of it was working with me instead of running amuck. It wasn’t only that, though. Tony looked sexy as hell. It reminded me of how I used to think of him way back when we first met. That time when my eyes first met his, like they were in the mirror right now. I was transported back for a moment until his voice pulled me to the present.

“I want you to wear your hair down,” he demanded and I sucked in a breath. He wasn’t going to let me get away with this, I could tell by his tone.

“Tony, I—” I started to explain and he struck me across the side of my face and succeeded in hitting me in my upper lip.

“Goddamn it, Char! Why do you have to push me? Why? Why can’t you just do as I ask? Something as simple as putting your hair down and you still can’t give in. Most women would die for the attention I give you, the details I pay attention to.”

I held my mouth as I tried not to cry. I took my hand away and noticed it was covered in blood, which made me gasp. I immediately looked in the mirror to assess the damage and noticed I had a sizable cut on the corner of my upper lip. My tooth ached from the force of the blow and I knew that it had torn right through it. I wanted to cry, not from the pain, but because that meant I wouldn’t be able to wear the pink lipstick Sean loved so much on me. I took a Kleenex and dabbed it lightly, wincing in pain and thinking again of what Norma had said to me earlier.

“Now you’re going to sulk all night even though this was your fault.” He started to pace; the stress he had induced made the room tense.

“No, I won’t, Tony. Please just go finish getting ready.”

“Now I’ve ruined everything and you’ll tell everyone what I’m like,” he said and continued to pace. He abruptly stopped his movements and looked at me. His dark eyes penetrated me as his eyebrows met in the middle. He walked closer and held my chin between his thumb and forefinger. “I just love it when your hair is down. It looks so beautiful. I just wanted everyone to see how beautiful my wife is. That’s all. Now I’ve gone and done this…” He let his words trail off as he assessed the damage to my lip. In that moment, I was able to see a hint of Christmas Tony. But then he blinked and I saw it vanish.

“Tony, if you don’t allow me to fix this then we will be late. Go and finish getting ready and then we can go. I’m fine. Please!” I pleaded quietly to him. This was the Tony that made me doubt that he was a madman. I knew deep down that it was just another one of his mind games, but it was still hard to discern. I had lived with it for so long that sometimes I felt myself getting caught up when he acted like a scared little boy. It made me wonder what his growing up years were like, but he never talked about that. Ever.

He finally relented and walked back into our bedroom, leaving me alone to finish. I covered the cut with a small Band-Aid that blended in with my skin. I then covered the Band-Aid with my foundation so that it matched my skin tone. This wasn’t my first time having to do this so I was excellent at adapting to these kinds of things.

Once I finished hiding my new wound as best as I could, I unclipped my hair and let it fall to my shoulders. I preferred my hair up; wearing it down only reminded me of the day I had to cut all of the length off. My long hair had always felt like a shield to me, and without it, I felt bare, naked. I felt unprotected and noticeable. Everything I never wanted to feel. Tony probably knew that about me, and that’s why he wanted me to wear it down. But that didn’t stop me from wondering if he really saw me as beautiful. God, I was such a girl at times.

I spritzed myself with some perfume that Sean had gifted me with. Tony had thought I bought it for myself, assuming I wanted it in order to smell good for him. Once I was done with everything, I joined him in our bedroom. I walked over to him and put my hand gently on his arm to let him know I was ready.

“I am so sorry, Char,” he said and the remorse was evident in his tone.

I didn’t doubt that he was sorry, but I had heard those words a hundred times before. More than a hundred times. How many times were you allowed to say it before I didn’t have to believe it any longer? It was like not closing your eye every time you were poked. How many times did it take before you started to shut your eye when you saw the finger coming toward it? Once. That’s what I wanted to say to him, but I didn’t. Instead, I nodded and said, “I know, Tony. Let’s have a nice evening. Shall we?”

He nodded, his eyes still remorseful, and took my hand in his.

I tried not to look shocked, but I honestly couldn’t remember the last time he had held hands with me. It felt good. I missed the closeness we had once shared. My closeness with Sean was limited since our time together was sparse. And there was still that little girl inside of me that craved the affection from my husband. That yearned to feel the kinds of things I once did with him, long ago. I didn’t want my marriage to fail, but that choice had been taken away from me when Tony had started the abuse. He was forcing me to leave.

We got into the car and spent a quiet car ride to the event. Tony’s law firm put this annual event on so we were essentially financing the entire thing. I had no idea how since our finances sucked at the moment. But I was actually excited to go, but mainly because I would see Sean. I looked forward to any time I was able to see him.

Tony had been doing well in his law practice until a few months ago when he had made the decision to take a highly publicized pro bono case. Ever since then, he had seemed to be under more stress and couldn’t hold his temper to save his life. He took it out on me more and more, and it led me to lean on Sean more and more. It was fucked up all the way around, but there wasn’t much I could do about it other than wait for the case to end so I could leave him. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I also knew it would be worse if I left him while the trial was still going on.

We walked into the ritzy hotel and he led me to the ballroom we had always reserved. The place was still adorned with Christmas decorations and I loved the festiveness. This was hands-down my favorite time of year. I couldn’t help but feel excited as we walked into the big ballroom. I couldn’t wait to see Sean. My heart began to beat faster at the anticipation of seeing him again.

I indiscreetly checked my cell phone again, but there was nothing from him. He had said that he would text me when he arrived so I was anxiously waiting to hear from him.