Hindsight (6 page)

She was mine.

I was hers.

And we were happy.

We were playing dress-up and dolls, smiling and laughing the entire time. I wasn’t bent over my kitchen table while Tony taught me a lesson he felt I needed to learn. I was at a park, watching my beautiful girl playing on the swing set. I wasn’t married to Tony. I was married to Sean, and we were living out our happily ever after.

“You fucking bitch!” Tony flipped me over onto my back and swung at me.

The back of his hand hit me on the side of the face and I felt my eye socket pop. I would be sporting a nice shiner for a while.

I wasn’t sure why he had done that. But then again, I hadn’t been paying attention to anything he was doing to me. I didn’t even know how long it had been, or even how long since he had finished. Although, I was pretty sure that was his reason. He didn’t like to be ignored.

The first thought that crossed my mind was to pick up my steak knife from the floor and stab him in the neck, but I refrained. I had a plan. I had to wait to pull the trigger, and it wasn’t the time.

“You always push me too far. I’ve never hit a woman before I met you. Never! But you push all my buttons and you do it on purpose. I think you like it when I hit you. You secretly thrive on it because your daddy beat your ass when you were younger. Maybe it gives you feelings of nostalgia.”

I stayed where I was without flinching, even when he struck me, I had stayed absolutely still except for the pull his hand had caused when he hit me. It was better that way. He was right, my daddy had beat my ass, but he never had the evilness that Tony possessed. He had his own demons, but I was sure Tony’s would overpower anyone’s evil. I just wanted him to leave.

He zipped up his pants as I stayed right where I was. I didn’t dare move just yet. Tony hadn’t told me I could. He waved his hand around the room, motioning toward the mess on the floor. “You can clean that up, you bitch! I want you on your hands and knees, now! Clean up the mess like the dog that you are!”

I knew there was no other way to deal with the situation other than to do what he asked me to do. If I wanted him to leave and go to his mistress’s awaiting arms, then I must do what he asked of me.

I went to the kitchen and filled a bucket with warm water and Pine Sol. I then grabbed the broom and dustpan and made my way back to the dining room. He wasn’t there any longer, so I let out a sigh of relief.

I tiptoed down the hall to see where he had gone. My goal was to find out if he had left the house or was still here, but I ended up right outside of his den and heard his voice. I had learned so many important things by listening in on his phone calls. It was amazing how many things I’d been able to figure out by simply eavesdropping.

“Damn, baby. The things you do to me…”

He chuckled.

“You brought Tamera over to join us? Yeah, you know I’m okay with that.”

He chuckled again and then growled seductively.

I really didn’t want to hear more of that disgusting conversation so I headed back to the dining room to clean up the mess Tony had made. I was always cleaning up his messes.

I thought back to my parents, who were both dead now. I missed my mother dearly, but was glad my father was gone. I had watched him beat my mother more times than I wanted to think about. He had occasionally smacked me around, too. But his demons came from a bottle. Without it, he was a gentle man. His problem was that he wasn’t without it very often. My mother was the kindest woman ever known to grace the earth, and I was sure Heaven had gained an angel the day she was taken from us. Hell had gained a demon with the loss of my father.

They had been driving home from my high school graduation and a semi-truck had hit them head on. The reports said that the driver of the truck had fallen asleep at the wheel. I knew differently, though. But I was sure it was tough for the Sherriff’s office to put the blame on a retired officer, so it was passed to the innocent.

I had always been dependent on my mom, and when she died, my entire world seemed to fall apart. Then I met Tony and things seemed to slip back into place. I was sure I was just lonely, and looking for some stability in life. He had that, and I had everything he wanted. I possessed the ability to be broken. And he set out to break me.

He wined and dined me, introduced me to things I had never even heard of. He knew about all the finer things in life, the things my medium-income family had never had access to. It was all so intoxicating I had slurped it up like eggnog on Christmas morning. We had a swift courtship; he asked me to marry him after only dating for three weeks. I had thought it was romantic and the biggest compliment that he had fallen in love with me so quickly. I don’t know if I loved him or loved the idea of him. I was only twenty years old, and had never been in love before. So I didn’t really know the difference.

We were married in a civil ceremony shortly after his proposal. Then all hell had broken loose. He had made a complete one-eighty, changing into the devil. Our fairy tale had lasted a total of nine weeks from the day I had met him before he showed his true colors.

I had been stuck with him ever since.

I swept up the broken plates we used for every day dishes. I knew the routine. The next day I would order more to replace the broken ones and we would continue as if nothing ever happened.

Every family had traditions. This was ours.

At least in the beginning, when he would hit me, he would apologize and be nice afterward for a while. That wasn’t the case anymore. Now he was always a dick. I never even got a glimpse of the nice Tony I had somewhat fallen in love with.

I finished sweeping up the dishes and felt the hairs on the back of my neck raise in warning. I looked up to meet Tony’s wicked gaze. He picked up a plate from the buffet table stand and held it over the floor. My breath caught, he wouldn’t.

“Please, Tony. Don’t throw that. Those were my grandmother’s dishes.” They were the only thing I had from her and they had been passed down to my mother, and then to me upon her death. They meant the world to me.

With an evil grin, he released his hold on the china, letting it fall to the floor.

Crash!

He grabbed another one, and through tears, I watched that one slip from his fingers as well.

Crash!

I couldn’t watch anymore. I just sat on the floor and buried my head in my hands, catching my falling tears in the palms of my hands. I may not have seen it happen, but I felt my heart shatter when I heard the last one join the other two plates on the floor in front of me.

Crash!

I gave him the blood-curdling scream he was seeking and threw myself over the broken pile of glass in a sobbing mess.

Then he turned around and walked out of the house.

I continued to sob until I heard the front door slam. I stayed crouched down and stopped my sobs until I heard him back down the driveway and drive down the street. I knew he was going to meet his mistress, so the probability of him coming back was slim. I was safe.

For now.

I let out a breath and wiped my tears. I was so thankful I had boxed my grandmother’s dishes up and hid them in the attic after finding a similar pattern and buying an entire set to display.

Stupid man. He didn’t know whom he was dealing with, but it wasn’t my fault. None of it was. He had forced me to be this way. To always look for the third option.

I was ready.

January 24
th
, 2015

I parked downtown in one of the parking structures I had grown accustomed to and started my walk down the street littered with tons of stores. There were huge department stores with small-overpriced boutiques littered in between. It had been one of the places I had frequented most over the years. Everyone knew me by name in those stores. I had to admit that it was embarrassing when my cards were first declined. Thank goodness I had been with Norma and she had understood. I knew Tony would get his money back. I just wished I didn’t have to guess as to how he would get it back. I never trusted his judgment, and knew it would only grow worse when it came to money.

I walked in a slow pace, trying to relax and not think of everything that had happened over the last four months . I hadn’t been able to return items of clothing for cash for a while now and was desperate to come up with another way to raise the money I needed.

I had decided to pawn some of my jewelry. Nestled between the high-end boutiques, there was a street that wasn’t so high-end. It was seedy, but still reasonably safe. Well, that part could be argued, but I felt safe there. I was determined to get what I needed and get out.

Before I had left the house, I had decided to use my backup plan. I would sell some of the jewelry Tony had purchased for me. I didn’t dare touch the really expensive pieces. I knew it was only a matter of time before Tony became desperate enough to start hawking those, and I didn’t even want to imagine what would happen to me if he found those to be missing. So I only took the smaller things. Some of it came from my family and others from Tony during the beginning of our relationship. Those wouldn’t be the first items he would go to so I knew I would be protected from him finding out for the time being.

Over the six years of our relationship, quite a collection had been assembled. Tony still didn’t know I had the codes to his safes, and he would never find that out. He would kill me for less. I had to be sneaky, so my plan to pawn some of the jewelry had been well planned and thoroughly thought out. I didn’t jump on the idea as soon as it had come to me. No. I started taking small pieces the moment I learned about our financial trouble—or as Tony called it, financial hiccup. If he hadn’t said anything yet, I knew I was in the clear. As long as the good stuff was still front in center in the safe, my plan was good to go.

I walked into the first pawnshop and smiled at the slimy guy behind the counter. I had done tons of research at the City Library so Tony wouldn’t find it in my browser history. I knew he checked that. I knew exactly what my little trinkets were worth.

“What can I do for you?” the man said confidently in greeting.

I imagined him rubbing his palms together, scheming how to take my stuff for the lowest price possible. He might even try to tell me my stuff wasn’t real. I had read about it all. All the stories people told from frequenting pawnshops. It really was amazing what you could find out on the internet. I felt ready. If I could handle Tony, then I could handle this sleazy character.

“I have some jewelry I need to sell. My husband and I are getting a divorce and I need to liquidate some of my items.” I didn’t have any fresh markings on my face, but I did have a nice bruise on my arm and an almost healed cut on my lower lip. I knew enough to play that up. If I had to endure it, then I would use it to my advantage.

People automatically felt the need to help an abused woman. I had never been one to use it in my favor, always the one to cover it up and hide it from everyone. But I had reached a desperate point in life. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and that’s exactly where I was. I needed away from Tony, and I couldn’t do that without money. I wasn’t doing anything too illegal, and I was only doing it to keep myself from winding up as a statistic. I wouldn’t go from abused wife to dead wife. I wouldn’t allow that to happen. I had to protect myself. And if using the markings that Tony had relentlessly plagued my body with helped, then so be it.

He nodded and a grin appeared on his face, stretching from ear to ear.

I slowly opened the first velvet bag and slipped out a small diamond and sapphire necklace that had belonged to my mother. I didn’t want to sell it, but again, desperate times and all. It was beautiful and had been one of my favorites, but I would never wear it after knowing how she had come to own it. It had been a sympathy gift from my father. That’s what he did, and I know this because it’s what Tony used to do in the beginning. Slap you around some and you got flowers and a card. Broke a bone or two and you got jewelry. I didn’t want anything that reminded me of the abuse my mother had to endure. The cash would be more useful to me.

After haggling back and forth on a price, we finally settled on something I was comfortable with. Then I pulled out the other pieces. Those were guilty apology pieces from when we were newly married. They were worth more than my mother’s necklace. I didn’t want to bring those out first until I knew he was willing to pay what I needed. His eyes brightened as soon as he saw them. He didn’t even bother to waste the time with negotiating. He gave me what I wanted for them.

I walked back to my car, happy that my purse was now full of money instead of the jewelry, and headed home. I needed to get back to the house so that I could hide my cash. I had a small tin can that I kept buried beneath my rosebushes. I knew Tony would never look there. He abhorred everything about my roses and would never touch anything that had to do with gardening or dirt. He wasn’t the type that would get his hands dirty. Now I had to get back home fast to ensure I had time to dig it up, put the money in it, and bury it again.

As I buried my cash, I began thinking of someway to figure out what Tony was planning. He had this perfect plan, he kept saying, as to how to get his money back. He said it was bulletproof. It started getting me thinking of what that meant. I still didn’t know the reason for him running out of money in the first place, and I didn’t trust his ways of getting more. It was only common sense, look at what I had been reduced to doing out of desperation. When Tony became desperate, there was no telling what he would do.

I quickly washed my hands and headed to his office to see if there was anything I could find. I knew it was more than likely a wasted trip since he was too smart to keep anything lying around for me to find. I didn’t know his password to his computer anymore. Once upon a time, I had known what it was, but I think he suspected something because he had changed it.

I actually hated sneaking around, but I had gotten so used to doing it since it was my only way to find anything out, it hardly bothered me anymore. At least morally. My fucking heart still pounded like a drum the entire time I was in there. I was terrified of being caught by Tony. I could only imagine what he would do to me.

I looked around in his desk drawers, careful not to shuffle anything around too much. I didn’t want him suspecting I had gone in there. He had told me countless times before that I had no business in his office. I must’ve been so into my search of his desk that I never heard the car pull into the driveway. I never heard the car close or the beep of his alarm being set. The only thing that alerted me of his arrival was the sound of the front door opening.

I froze. Tony was home and I was still in the middle of his office like a sitting duck. My heart pounded in my chest and thundered in my ears. My breathing was coming out in fast pants as I shut his desk drawer as quickly and quietly as my shaking fingers would allow. I was desperate to do it quickly, which seemed to make me fumble even more.

I pushed his chair in and ran to the closet, closing the door behind me. He always left the door closed. He wouldn’t suspect a thing. His normal routine would have been to head upstairs, so all I needed to do was wait until I heard his footsteps on the staircase and then I would make me escape.

But he didn’t go upstairs.

He entered his office and my heart sank.

“Okay, I’m in the office now. We’re free to talk. The door is closed and I’ll hear if she walks up. Little bitch thinks she’s sneaky creeping up to the door like a cat. One of these days I’ll give her something worth listening to.” He let out an evil laugh as the chair creaked under his weight.

There was some silence, filled in with a few mmhmms and ah-hahs.

My heart pounded as I waited for him to finish his conversation and leave the office. I literally felt as if I were just sitting there, awaiting my execution. If he was talking to his mistress or any of his other whores, I didn’t care to hear it. I knew what he did, but it didn’t bother me. The more women he had around, the less he came to me for sex. I knew he had Laurie, his girlfriend, but I also knew he had other random women on the side. Like I said, I didn’t give a flying fuck. I just wanted him to finish his call and be on his way.

That’s when he spoke again and my blood ran cold in my veins, chilling me to my very core. I no longer had to question how he was planning to come into money. The only thing I was left to wonder was who he was talking to. But after hearing what he had to say, I really didn’t give a shit about that.

“It needs to look like an accident, like a car wreck or something. She volunteers at some animal shelter a few days a week, you can catch her on the way there. I don’t care what you do, as long as it doesn’t come back to me. You hear me? I need her gone, but I need to be as far from it as possible. And it can’t happen too soon. Maybe plan for a couple of months from now. If it’s too soon they’ll question me. Oh, and don’t let me know when you’re going to do it. I don’t want the details or plans. I need to be just as surprised as she is.” He laughed at something said on the other line. “Yeah, I have to play the mourning husband. That’ll be the best act I’ve ever played.” And the laughing continued.

There was more silence, and I feared he had heard the sound of my pounding heart echo through the room. He was planning to have me killed. Everything was making sense to me, and I knew I didn’t have any more time to plan. I had to act. I had to leave him before he could get rid of me. If I died, it would have to be by his hands, not some anonymous person on the other end of his phone call.

“I’ve got some cash to hold me over until then,” he continued. “It’s not much, but it will have to do for a couple of months. I just can’t wait too long because I’ll have to pay it back, and the interest on those loans are killer.”

Tony made more agreeing sounds and then agreed to end all contact until the specified time. Whenever that was. I didn’t want to wait and find out, either. I needed to act—fast—if I wanted any chance at surviving his plan.

The door to his office opened and then closed, and I waited in a fear-induced coma until I heard the pounding of his feet on the stairs above my head. That was when I moved as quickly as possible. I needed to stay quiet, but not linger. Once he knew I wasn’t upstairs, he would come looking for me.

I ran to the front door, opening it and closing it loudly behind me, and then made my way to the kitchen as calmly as I could. It was difficult to act like I hadn’t just heard my own husband plotting my death. I knew he was evil, but I never allowed myself to believe him capable of going to the lengths of having me killed.

I had so much running through my head, so much to process. He was plotting with someone to kill me. To fucking kill me! I had no idea who this person was so I couldn’t even defend myself from him. Or them. I didn’t even know how many to be worried about. And how had he known about the animal shelter? He had never said anything to me about it. Thinking about all of the things I thought I had kept hidden from him only worried me more. He knew, just never voiced it to me. What else did he know? Did he know about the pawnshop or about how I would return clothes for money? I began to feel paranoid as thoughts filled my mind.

I pulled out the lasagna and slid in the sheet of bread to toast on broil, pretending it was any other day. I was concentrating on my breathing, making myself take slow, even breaths. Slow and even. I pulled the salad out of the refrigerator and placed the bowl on the island counter top.

I screamed.

Tony was standing directly across from me.

“Oh, goodness. You startled me,” I said with a fake chuckle. “I didn’t hear you come in.” I looked at him for a sign that he knew I had just been in his office, but there was none. It was just my guilty conscience playing tricks on me. “Dinner’s ready. Why don’t you fix us a drink?”

He nodded and my plan to get him out of the kitchen worked.

I sagged against the counter as soon as he was gone. My heart couldn’t take much more of this sneaking around. If this continued, he needn’t worry. I’d die of a fucking heart attack.

I finished plating our dinner and then served it like a trained server in a five-star restaurant. I was so proud of myself that my hands didn’t shake; I found myself smiling a triumphant smile at that.

We sat in silence as we both ate. The lasagna was good, so I hoped he wouldn’t complain about it.

“So where were you when I got home?” he asked through bites of food.

I gulped and thought about how to respond to his question. “In the kitchen. You walked in on me, remember?”