His Wife for a While (12 page)

There must have been a question in her eyes because, with the tiniest of smiles on his lips, he went on to explain, "At least you trust me enough to let me know there's something you don't want to talk about."

No
,
Chelsea
thought,
that's not true. I don't trust you. I can't
.

But then she hit a solid wall of confusion when she tried to figure out if she should believe his statement or her own thought.

"Everything will be okay."

His gentle tone did crazy things to her insides. So many times in her life she'd wanted someone to say those very words to her. But the wariness was too ingrained for her to embrace the assurance he was attempting to convey.

"If you don't want to talk yet, it's okay."

Again, her heart constricted at his words. It had been so long since anyone had treated her with such genuine concern and understanding.

The grin he shot her was boyish and charming. "Just you wait," he said. "Before long, you'll be telling me all about yourself and we'll be fast friends."

Chelsea
could only stare at him and wonder if what he'd said would ever come true.

Chapter Five

When the column of numbers blurred together for the third time,
Chelsea
dropped her pencil in disgust and rubbed her eyes. It was no use. She couldn't concentrate on tabulating this week's debits. Not when her life was in such a topsy-turvy state.

She'd thought that by marrying Ben she'd solve all her problems and achieve her highest goal. But all she'd succeeded in doing was eroding the once impenetrable wall that had taken years for her to build around herself.

That the wall was crumbling she had no doubt, and Ben was the one at fault. He was forcing her to tear down, brick by brick, the safe fortress in which she'd once secured her emotions. She'd tried hard to wear down his resolve over the past couple of weeks, but Ben was adamant in his refusal to father her child until she completely demolished her reserved nature… her mighty castle… and confided in him all the secrets concerning her dark past.

Granted, he didn't realize just how painful her childhood memories were for her. He didn't know that she'd spent her whole life trying to suppress the hurt inflicted on her, trying to forget the loneliness she'd experienced as a little girl.

Chelsea
gazed off into the far corner of her office. She supposed she could lie about her past. A happy, carefree childhood would be quite easy to fabricate. Lord knows how often she'd indulged in such fantasies back then, conjuring joy and fun and bright memories where there were none. But lying wouldn't be right. Not only wouldn't it be right, but it wouldn't be fair to Ben.

She'd come to realize what he meant when he'd said it wasn't fair for her to experience him at his most intimate, when she wasn't willing to reveal her innermost emotions to him.

She shook her head dismally. It all sounded so complicated. Because it was. For her, anyway. And that's exactly why she had worked so hard all her adult life to maintain an emotional distance from people. Emotions were complex things… hurtful, painful, distressing.

When she'd first offered Ben this deal, she'd thought everything would be easy and clear-cut. But now she understood that she had been stupid ever to think that any kind of relationship with Ben would be simple.

It was impossible to deny that what they shared was anything other than a relationship. She had tried to remain distanced from him… to tell herself that what they shared was a business deal only. But they were living in the same house, eating the same meals, sharing in dozens of mundane tasks. It was inevitable that the two of them would develop some kind of relationship. It had been silly of her to think otherwise.

After spending so much time with Ben, she had begun to wonder how he actually felt about what she was asking him to do. Her request must mean more to him than simply a few passion-filled nights. In giving her a baby, Ben would be giving her a part of himself.

Chelsea
heaved a terrific sigh. How could she not have understood the magnitude of what she was asking of Ben? How could she have been so callous about the idea of his fathering her child?

Well, she might not have realized before, but she did now. She wanted a child badly, and it was only right that she make Ben comfortable with the idea of giving her that child. If that meant she would have to expose her vulnerable emotions to him, then she would do it.

Damn, but that was a scary thought.

She knew very well that in revealing herself she would be leaving herself open to any pain he chose to inflict. But that couldn't be helped. In order to get what she wanted from Ben, she'd have to offer up the intimacy he required. She'd simply have to trust him not to hurt her.

Swallowing around the lump of fear that suddenly constricted her throat,
Chelsea
hoped she wasn't making the worst mistake of her life.

~  ~  ~

A dusky pink glow covered the evening sky when Ben finally arrived home from his work in the orchard.
Chelsea
had already eaten dinner and now sat on the top most step of the front porch waiting for him.

"Hi," he said, closing the door to the truck.

"Hi." She tried to smile, but it wasn't easy.

"What are you doing out here?" he asked.

"Enjoying the evening. And waiting for you." And before he could inquire as to why, she said, "Are you hungry? Can I get you some dinner?"

He nodded, his eyes gleaming with unspoken appreciation. "I'm starved."

Ben offered her his hand, palm up. After a moment's hesitation she slid hers into it, and he pulled her to her feet.

They went inside and
Chelsea
busied herself fixing Ben a plate.

"What's wrong?"

She jumped when she realized he'd come up behind her.

"Nothing," she answered too quickly.

"Come on, Chels." He took the plate from her hands, set it on the counter and turned her around to face him.

"It's not like you to be waiting for me at the front door," he said.

She lowered her gaze to the shiny floor tiles.

"What is it?" he asked.

It took all the strength she had to lift her gaze to his. Curiosity was clearly written on his handsome face. She took a deep breath.

"I want to talk," she said. "I think it's time..." Her voice faltered, then she began again. "I think it's time that I told you why I want a baby."

Ben studied her for a long, silent moment. It wouldn't have surprised her if he had hooted in triumph that she'd finally given in. At the very least, she'd expected a smile celebrating his conquest. But his reaction was not at all what she anticipated.

"Okay," he finally said, his eyes never losing their serious reflection as he nodded. "Let me shower and change, and we'll talk."

After he'd left the room,
Chelsea
couldn't help feeling a little bewildered by how he'd responded. There had been no gloating; there hadn't even been a hint of strut in his step as he went toward his bedroom. His simple, calm demeanor soothed the nerves that jumped in her stomach. Ben wasn't like anyone else she had ever met. She was discovering just how special he was with every new aspect of him that was revealed to her.

When Ben returned, he ate a quick dinner and then he and Chelsea went out onto the screened-in patio off the back of the house. They sat on the padded chaise lounge and Ben turned his body so he was facing her.

Surprised by the calmness that had settled over her,
Chelsea
began her story, "I guess the best place to start is at the beginning."

She watched as Ben eased back and relaxed. His serene repose conjured an atmosphere of warmth and trust the likes of which she'd never before experienced. She didn't dare stop to question it. She simply continued with what she knew she must tell him.

"I don't have too many memories of growing up." Lifting one shoulder a fraction, she added with a murmur, "I guess the human brain has a terrific ability to repress... or forget. One or the other. Or both."

She looked over his shoulder through the patio screen at the sky; the mauve shades of evening had given way to full-fledged darkness.

"My very first memories are of being in my bed," she said. "I was really young. Three or so. It was dark and I was scared... no, I was terrified. I couldn't sleep because I was watching for the snakes."

"Snakes?"

Ben's question compelled her to look at him.

She paused a moment before explaining. "My mother wanted to go out at night, you see. She told me not to get out of bed or the snakes would bite me."

"Damn,
Chelsea
."

"And I wasn't to cry because I might wake them up."

The light from the kitchen dimly illuminated the patio, and Ben closely watched
Chelsea
's face. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. How could a mother do something so evil to her child?

"You were alone? She left you by yourself? Didn't she have someone to watch you? Why didn't she have a sitter? Your grandparents? A neighbor?" His questions tumbled out one on top of the other.

Chelsea
gave a ragged sigh and shrugged.

"Where was your father?" Her painful expression made him regret asking.

"I never knew my father," she admitted.

Her timidity gave him the impression that she felt as though this fact was somehow her fault. Guilt reared up in Ben. He shouldn't have asked all those questions. Especially the one concerning her father. He hadn't meant to sound accusatory. How could she possibly have known that she shouldn't be home alone? What could
Chelsea
have done to help herself when she didn't know any different? When she wouldn't have had a clue that her mother's actions were utterly irresponsible? Her mother's actions were criminal.

"Then one night I just couldn't control myself any more. And I cried."

He watched her eyes haze over, as if she were telling her story to an empty room. Ben wouldn't force her to look at him, he felt bad enough because he was making her relive this horrible memory.

"I must have become awfully loud. The lady in the apartment next to us called the police. They came to the door." Her eyes grew large. "I was scared to death. I didn't dare get out of bed to answer the bell. The manager of the building unlocked the door to our apartment. Men came bursting in. I started screaming, trying to warn them about the snakes, but they wouldn't listen."

As he watched the tears well and spill over onto his wife's cheeks, Ben tried to imagine the terror she must have felt at that moment. He became overwhelmed with tender emotion for the terrified little girl
Chelsea
described.

"My mother was so angry with me because she had to come and pick me up at some big brick building in
Center
City
," she said. "I guess it was some kind of children's shelter. After that, she took me with her at night. But I was just as scared. I'd sit in the back seat of the car with all the doors locked. I'd cover my head with my blanket. I was so afraid someone would notice me. Try to break in and get me."