Hold Your Breath (12 page)

Leo had a roll of tickets in his hand. He pulled off a few and handed them to Tara with his eyes aimed slightly to the left of her head.

‘Compensation,’ he said. ‘That is . . .’ he paused, ‘. . . if you haven’t been put off for life.’

Tara took the tickets with a smile, but she wasn’t looking at Leo either. It would have felt too intense and she wasn’t sure she could take it right now. Her head might actually
explode and that would be quite embarrassing, not to mention messy.

‘I’ll risk it,’ she said, gathering up her swimming bag and shoving the car door. It opened quite easily from the inside. ‘Thanks. Expect I’ll see you
then.’

‘Yeah, see you.’

Tara heard the car sputtering away back up the road as she turned her key in the door. Her mouth was curled into a smile that felt wholly out of her control.

No one was home and she glided through the house depositing her wet things in the wash basket and hanging up her towel. She felt floaty inside, like a helium balloon that could rise up over the
rooftops and on towards the mountains.

Leo was nice. Really nice. Not at all how she’d expected him to be. Selfish Melodie was just moving on from her old life, wasn’t she? Tara had the proof now.

But then she thought about the fight she’d witnessed by the river. And Will lying in a coma in hospital. She stopped in the middle of the landing and chewed on her thumbnail.

Really, she didn’t know Leo at all.

T
hat evening, she found herself endlessly replaying the conversation with Leo over in her head and forensically analysing it for meaning.

He really didn’t seem like someone who would cold-bloodedly knock someone over. And what reason would he have to do it anyway? Just because he didn’t like Will? If Tara knocked down
everyone she didn’t like, it would be a full-time job.

Anyway, what did it matter? Leo wasn’t interested in her. He felt bad about her foot, that was all. He’d prefer girls with poise and oozing confidence, not tomato-headed freaks like
her. And hadn’t she promised herself to stay away from boys for a while? Or even, for ever?

The way Jay had made her feel still felt like an open wound.

Was it ever going to scab over?

She’d taken a while to go out with him, knowing his reputation as a player – someone who used girls up and threw them away when he was finished with them. When he’d first
started to notice her, she’d enjoyed the heat of his gaze as she walked by, but didn’t think anything of it. So she had ignored him for a while and worked on her withering put-downs,
which he seemed to find incredibly funny. She’d felt it was like when she rubbed Sammie’s head really hard with her knuckles: it was surely just this side of painful, but seemed to
provoke a glassy-eyed sort of gratification too. Rough love, you might say.

After a while Jay began to fall into step with her. He made her laugh. He was genius at voices and could mimic everyone from his own mates to people off the telly. Her defences quickly started
to crumble after those stolen kisses at the pool party, when he’d whispered that he could feel himself falling for her. She’d realised she felt the same and a couple of perfect weeks
followed, which even now in her memory seemed bathed in a sort of Hollywood golden light. Then he’d started to push her, wanting more than she was prepared to give. One night, at a Sixth
Former’s Christmas party, she’d ended up locked in a cupboard with him. He’d been drinking vodka and kissed her too roughly, too insistently. It had shocked her, his unwillingness
to listen. They fought. She went home, and that night she debated whether she wanted to stay with someone like that. She wasn’t the sort of girl who behaved like a boy’s possession. If
Mum had taught her anything, it was self-respect.

But when she went into school, she discovered Jay had been spreading ugly rumours about her, which seemed to float like smoke around the school for weeks. She never spoke to him again. When the
whole Tyler thing exploded and people at school found out she was the ‘schoolgirl psychic’, she’d caught him whirling a finger to the side of his head and rolling his eyes to
signify madness, prompting hysterical laughter from half the school.

She’d loved Jay and he’d humiliated and hurt her. She couldn’t let that happen again.

At dinner, Tara was distracted and not very hungry. She pushed her spaghetti around her plate in circles with her fork. Could Leo have run Will over? But why would he? And he
seemed so kind, the way he’d tended her foot, the obvious care he took in looking after his dad . . .

A realisation came to her so suddenly she let out a barely audible gasp.

Hadn’t Leo told her his dad had taken ill on Wednesday night? That they had been at A and E all night?

It wasn’t exactly proof of his innocence. But it was good enough for Tara.

‘What are you grinning about?’

Dad’s voice brought Tara back to the present. Her head shot up. All three of her family members were staring at her.

‘Hey, are you with us, sweetie?’ said Dad.

‘Yeah, course,’ said Tara, dipping her head again. She piled spaghetti on a fork, and half-heartedly swirled it into her mouth.

‘Did you hear what Mum was saying then?’

‘No, what was it?’

Mum rolled her eyes but was smiling. ‘Me and Dad are going away for my birthday. Is that okay with you? Dad’s treating me to a mini-break at a hotel in the Yorkshire Dales.’
She peered anxiously at Tara, who hadn’t responded yet. In truth, her mind was still on Leo.

‘Will you be all right here, just you and Beck?’

‘Yeah, fine,’ said Tara, distractedly. ‘You have fun.’

They still stared.

‘
What?
’ she said in frustration. ‘I said okay!’

She knew she should stay away for a couple of days. The willpower this required was so immense, it almost hurt.

But as it turned out, she didn’t need to go to the pool to see Leo again.

She’d been walking Sammie after school and was almost home when she saw his car parked across the road. Her heart skipped as Leo climbed out. His expression was hard to read because he was
wearing his sunglasses, but as he got closer she saw his mouth was curled into a hesitant smile. He had on a light blue T-shirt today, which made his skin seem more toasty in colour, along with
narrow jeans and black Vans. Tara didn’t really notice what boys wore as a rule, but every time she saw Leo her eyes were greedy for details – from the way his watch-face was slightly
twisted on his slim wrist, to the tiny scar that bisected his right eyebrow.

Her palms were sweaty and she scrunched her hands into fists. The usual heat was spreading, uncontrolled, and flooding her face. Every part of her was prickling and uncomfortable. She wondered
for a second if it was possible to actually die from embarrassment. Maybe she would be the first.

But why was he here? What did he want?

‘All right?’ said Leo. He took off his sunglasses and she saw his eyes flick nervously towards Sammie, who bounded up and began bombarding him with his brand of doggie love, tail
swishing and nose nudging at Leo.

‘Sammie, come here,’ said Tara sharply. The dog ignored her and began to lick Leo’s trouser leg. ‘Sammie! ’ She grabbed the dog’s collar and clipped on his
lead again. ‘Sorry,’ she said, blushing even more. ‘He’s just saying hello, that’s all.’

‘Right,’ said Leo, swallowing visibly. ‘I’m more of a cat person, I guess.’

Tara smiled. Her heart was thumping in her ribcage. Her cheeks seemed to get even hotter. Why was he here? As though guessing her question, Leo held out his hand, which contained a girl’s
purse.

Tara’s purse.

‘This yours?’ he said. ‘I found it in the changing rooms.’

Tara let out a gasp of surprise. She hadn’t even noticed its absence. The feeling of embarrassment grew more acute then. What did she think he was here for? He was only doing an errand.
Nothing else. And the irony wasn’t lost on her that she knew where other people had lost things, but hadn’t even noticed her own belongings were missing. It was all completely
skewed.

‘Oh,’ she said. She couldn’t bring herself to smile again. Her cheeks felt stiff. It felt like she’d flung her arms around his neck or something and been rejected, even
though that was silly. ‘Thanks.’

Leo cleared his throat.

‘Also,’ he said, ‘I was wondering whether you fancied a free swim later.’

Tara gave him a puzzled smile. ‘I have tickets, remember?’

‘Ah, but the pool closed early today,’ said Leo with a shy, appealing smile. ‘Dobby’s had to go off somewhere. You could have the pool completely to yourself.’ He
paused and then cleared his throat, avoiding her eyes for a moment. ‘Well, apart from me being there too.’

Tara hesitated. ‘Oh, I don’t know . . .’

Leo took a step back, and shoved his hands into his pockets. ‘Ah, look, I’m not being a perve. It seemed like a nice idea earlier, but I hadn’t thought it through
properly.’ His eyes flicked to Sammie again, as though he expected the dog to defend his mistress’s honour and go for him. But the dog had slumped to the path, tired by his walk, tongue
lolling like a long pink slice of ham, and heavy breaths shaking his body.

Incredibly, Leo was actually blushing now. This gave Tara a flash of courage.

‘Are you sure it would be okay?’

He looked up again, his eyes hopeful now. ‘Yeah, definitely. I have the keys.’ He patted the pocket of his jeans and smiled.

Heart drumming, Tara tried to push her hair casually back from her face, where it was flopping down. But her hand was shaking and her face glowed. She was bad at casual when it came to Leo.

‘Okay,’ she said, ‘I would like a swim. I can come over at about, what, five?’

Leo nodded. ‘Great, I’ll be there.’

He headed off back to his car.

Tara turned away towards her house, and suddenly wanted to skip like she was six years old again.

Getting away proved to be harder than she anticipated. Mum was determined to ‘catch up’, it turned out. She was really going for it with the meal when Tara was
hoping to have only a sandwich until after swimming. Instead, there was going to be lasagne and salad and even homemade garlic bread. She’d put a little bowl of flowers on the table too and
even put proper side plates out, like they were in a restaurant. Tara groaned internally.

Mum was vigorously whipping cream in a bowl to go with strawberries. Tara idled nearby, trying to work out what to say. She quickly decided that a lie was the only possible solution.

‘Is it all right if I have mine later?’ she said tentatively, picking up a strawberry from the bowl and biting into it. Sweet juice ran over her lip and she stifled a sigh of
pleasure at the intense taste. It was the strawberriest strawberry ever. Even the glass of tap water she’d drunk just now was colder and sweeter and
better
than water usually
was.

It was as though someone had come along with a big set of paints and made the world more colourful too; even the light was sharper and more crisp. Maybe it was just because it had rained
earlier. Or maybe it was the thought of the swim later, just her and Leo in the water . . .

Mum was staring at her. Tara’s attention jerked back to the present. She smiled weakly.

‘One, stop pinching the dessert,’ said Mum, tapping Tara’s hand lightly with a finger, ‘and two, I wanted us all to be together tonight. Why? Where are you wanting to
be?’

Don’t blush
, Tara willed herself.
Just DON’T BLUSH.

She blushed.

Tara pulled her hair across her face as though she was playing with it, in an attempt to hide the flush staining her cheeks.

‘Some mates at school have invited me round to go swimming with them at the pool.’ It
was
a pool, so that bit was true. It just wasn’t the pool her mum would think she
meant, with or without the mythical BFFs.

She could see Mum’s mixed emotions playing across her face. She plastered on a pleading smile to her own, jutting her bottom lip and putting her palms together, prayer-style.

Mum let out a big sigh but Tara could see she was pleased by the warmth in her eyes.

‘I don’t know . . .’ She beamed then. ‘Between you and Beck, you wear me out with your social lives.’

Tara grinned back, relieved, even if she felt a nudge of sadness at Mum’s optimistic words. She’d known the ‘friend’ thing was her trump card. She knew how much her
parents worried. Even if no one ever spoke about it, directly, the events in February still invaded their space.

Later, she stood outside the lido, trying to calm her cantering heart rate. She’d had to carefully time her journey so she wouldn’t be early. This had meant having
to do a lap round the block to kill some time. And that had made her too hot. Now, she wiped her damp palms along the sides of her favourite green tunic dress and then looked down to check it
wasn’t magically longer, shorter, bigger or smaller than when she’d left the house. She gave it a tug anyway and stepped forward, trying to lift her chin confidently.

It struck her then that she didn’t know how she would get in. There was a metal meshed door across the entrance so she could see into the pool. She knocked tentatively against the rough
metal wire and it rattled noisily.

Leo appeared on the other side. His eyes met hers only for a second. Could it be that he was nervous too? He came forward and opened the door with a heavy bunch of keys. Tara had a momentary
desire to flee but then he looked up and smiled. Something loosened in her chest and belly. He was wearing long swimming shorts, a short-sleeved checked shirt and flip-flops.

‘Hey,’ he said quietly. ‘You came then.’

‘Looks like it.’ She followed him into the pool area. It seemed tidier than usual. The loungers had evidently been given a bit of a wipe down. The cool turquoise water of the pool
lay like a silk sheet, free of floating leaves and crisp packets.

‘Like what you’ve done with the place,’ she said and Leo gave a short laugh.