Holt's Holding part two (The Holt's Series) (12 page)

He was still in his draw sting pants, tennis shoes and a
sweatshirt. He looked so much younger dressed like this. I saw the blood stains
on his pants, now dark and crimson.

“I’m so sorry Lilly…I’m so sorry” he repeated shaking his
head.

I pursed my lips tight trying to hold my tears at bay. He
walked over and it seemed like he was afraid to touch me.

“They said the placenta was underdeveloped and had
separated…they couldn’t do anything the pregnancy was too early and she
wouldn’t have survived,…they said you can have another after you heal that is
if you want to.”

His words were telling... “If I wanted to” not us. I could
help but wonder if this was the beginning of the end for him and me.

“Are we over Charlie?” I couldn’t look at him…for I knew if
he lied to me, I would see it in his face…and for once, I didn’t want to know
what was truth or a lie. I just needed his answer.

“You have no faith in me and don’t trust me Lilly…what does
that leave us? You can’t even look at me can you? Your hate for me will
resurface if it hasn’t already?”

“Is that what you think? I. Love. You…whether you deserve
my love is another question entirely….I just lost our…yes our baby… What do you
want of me Charlie?
 
The pain and loss I
feel right now is something I just don’t know how to deal with.
 
This pain is something I’m not equipped to
handle at the moment and I need time.”

“Your right Lilly…I’ve done nothing but bring you pain…this
is my fault…your heart is breaking because of me. Love will never be enough to
get past all that I’ve done will it?”

He was running…I saw it in his eyes. He was leaving.

He walked over and kissed me on the forehead. And my heart
broke a thousand times more…I was way too familiar with that gesture. I knew
this would be the last time I would see him… until the takeover. He and I were
done…we hadn’t even really started and we were done like that.

“I’m gonna call Brady and update him…”

“Don’t go Charlie” my voice was broken “Please don’t go
Charlie”

He moved from the bed.

I rose up, as he walked away. I pulled myself from the bed
grabbing my IV making my way to his back.

“Please don’t” I was begging and realized how much I needed
him to stay.

He turned and held me… “I love you Lillian…always” lifting
me up he placed me back in the bed… “Always…but you deserve better than me…you
always did. My father was right…I’m not worthy of you”

He kissed my lips with all his emotion and pulled away
walking from my room.

The pain was worse than what I had experience this
morning…the tears were uncontrolled as I curled up facing away from him. I
couldn’t watch him leave.

Charlie walked out of my room with what was left of me…the
last part of my heart.

Sebastian came in with the doctor, then allowed them to do
a brief checkup and a rundown of what happened, and what I should expect
regarding recovery. The tears now barren and unable to be produced, as my eyes
stung in pain.

Sebastian stayed through it all, even offering to take me
home as I accepted. He called Brady as I felt the need to let him be. Brady had
been caring for me for the past three months and he deserved a reprieve from my
problems.

As Sebastian and I pulled up to my house I knew Charlie
would not be here. I knew he was gone.

Sebastian helped me inside and onto my sofa.

“Do you want company?” his words and offer were kind,
sincere and sympathetic.

“I’ll be ok” I responded flatly, as I couldn’t muster any
emotions.

“I don’t feel right about leaving you like this” he
breathed out in concern.

“Like how? I’ve been alone for a long time Sebastian…I’m
use to the solitude, perhaps it’s how life was always designed for me.”

“Don’t go there Lillian…don’t let this close you off
permanently.” he spoke as if he understood.

“Thank you for being here and for the ride home…but I need
some time Sebastian.”

“Ok…but I don’t feel right about leaving you.”

“Please…I appreciate your concern …I truly do…I will be
fine.”

“Ok.” He kissed me on the cheek and slowly rose up from me.

I heard him leave closing the door behind him.

Cuddled into the sofa, I just sat there for hours…I was
numb the tears fell randomly throughout; on their own.

I just sat thru the darkness until the morning sun made its
way into the blue sky. I just sat watching out in the world unable to
understand all that had happened.

I had no concept of time. When Sam came in, I was so zoned
out, I heard nothing of what she said. My gaze still locked, staring through the
windows…releasing a tear here and there. I was unsure what I was crying for
most…the baby I lost or Charlie. Nana came next, then Brady…my house was
filling up with people, yet I could not move or acknowledge them…I just
couldn’t get my mind and body to connect.

It would be a full 48 hours before I form words or speak to
anyone.

Christmas would come and go and New Year’s was fast
approaching.

By this point, I could at least function. The routine was
simple eat, sit, stare, eat, sleep…for days, I went like this.

Brady, Sam and Nana took shifts staying with me.
 

I woke up like normal, numb. Moving myself to the kitchen,
I made myself a cup of coffee and moved to my normal spot on the sofa.

Nana in the kitchen was prepping breakfast; when the door
bell rung.

I didn’t bother and just sat and stared.

I heard her answer and shut the door.

“Lillian, Niemen Marcus just sent over your dress for the
charity ball tonight. It’s beautiful dear.”

“That’s nice nana” I sipped my coffee.

Then it registered slowly…I was the chairperson of the
ball…it was a charity ball I organized every year to benefit children who were
autistic…it was my mother’s. I had always helped her organize and fund raise
and after her death, I took over in her place as a tribute to her.

Placing my mug on the coffee table, I stood to my feet and
turned to Nana.

She cried looking at me.

“It is lovely isn’t it” I looked to her then the dress she
held…my tears from nowhere fell.

“Yes it is…just like you Lilly”, she was crying, as I
finally came back to the living.

“I’m sorry Nana”

“For what my dear…your heart has been broken…you have
nothing to be apologizing for!”

“Will it ever stopping hurting Nana?”

“Oh Lilly…yes…it will. When you’re ready it will stop
hurting”

I walked to her as she placed the garment bag holding the
dress on the sofa and took me into her arms.

“I lost my baby Nana,” I cried into her hold… “I lost him…I
loved him Nana”

“I know dear…I know”

“What do I do Nana?”

“You pick yourself up Lilly…you live. It’s new year’s eve
which means at the stroke of midnight it’s a new year and new starts Lilly…take
it and live”

Lifting from her hold “Breakfast first…then a shower, I
must look awful.” I laughed thru my tears.

“That is a perfect start Lilly.”

I looked over to the dress breaking from her hold…she was
right, I needed to live and I wasn’t going to miss the ball. This was for my
mother and now my baby, my daughter.

“Are you going?”

“Yes Nana…I need to for mom and for the baby I lost…I’m
going. This has been something close to my mother’s heart as well as mine. I
have to be there.”

“Good …this is the right step in a positive direction.”

“Your right Nana…I need to live and this is not living…I’m
sorry for being such a mess.”

“Oh child …you are far from being a mess…you need time to
heal and this was you needing just that…a way for your heart and mind to
reconnect. Nevertheless, don’t push it…let yourself feel it all…cry when you
need to let the emotions out and let them free. I promise you it will get
better.”

And like her words opened, my flood gates my tears and
heart ached.

We ate breakfast together as I would intermittently cry. I
made my way to the bedroom needing a nap. It would be 5pm in the evening before
I woke.

Jumping out of the bed, I walked back into the bathroom
turning the shower on. It had been a week since I last showered in here and my
memory almost had me frozen. Shaking it off, I stepped in and showered. I
fought thru my tears finding the resolve to bury them deep. I readied myself,
makeup then hair. Pulling the dress free from the garment bag, it was breath
taking.

It was a long silk gown. It had two slits that ran up the
sides of my legs with a fully open back…the color Red as vibrant and ruby toned
setting off my skin tone and blonde hair. The curls I always struggled to tame
seemed perfectly controlled and slightly pulled back with a few lose, as my
sister’s always fell. I sat on the bed and put my matching heel on. Taking a
moment, I stood up and walked to the family room where Brady stood in a black
tuxedo.

His eyes fell to me in shock.

“I didn’t think you were going to make it”

“She had a change of heart Brady.”

“You look stunning Lillian.”

“Thank you Brady.”

“No you look amazing”

“So do you Brady”

“Are you sure you’re up for this Lilly?”

“Of course…plus who will you open the dance floor with?
It’s tradition we always do the tango.” I offered up a smile

“That’s my girl”

“Is Sam coming?”

“She’s already there making sure everything is going as
planned…she helped by stepping in the past few months.”

“I owe her big”

“No, she loves you Lilly…she volunteered and I think she
really has a heart for it.”

“You love her don’t you?”

“Yes …very much. I plan on proposing to her…I planned on
doing it tonight, but if you think I should wait I will…I don’t want to
disrespect you or the charity.”

“Are you kidding? I think tonight would be perfect. I love
you Brady and I want you to have all the happiness in the world. Plus I
approve” I laughed

“You know…I’ve always loved you Lilly and always will.”

“I know…you are family, my family Brady” and it was true he
and I were family.

 
“Well it seems we
should get going MS Holt” he smiled

“It seems your right Mr. Calhoun.” I nodded my head and
smiled his way.

I walked over to where he and Nana stood.

“You look lovely Lilly” Nana hugged me tight “Let yourself
Live.”

“I love you Nana…Thank you.”

“I’ll get your coat Lilly.” Brady stepped down the hall
opening my coat closet.

“The winter white?” he called over

“Sure” I replied and let go from the hug

“Did you pack your bag?”

Shit, I forgot we always booked rooms in the hotel for this
event.

“Didn’t think so. I’ll pack you an overnight bag Lilly” he
handed my coat then proceeded back to my room.

“That boy takes such good care of you,” Nana added

“Yes he does Nana”

“I always thought the two of you would one day end up
together”

“Oh stop Nana…that’s gross. He’s like my brother.”

“I know dear…I see that and his Sam is such a lovely
woman.”

“Yes she is Nana.”

“I remember those boys when they were younger. The dark
haired one always looked at you with such hope, longing, and now as a man, he
still looks at you the same way. The other…” Nana shook her head “He was always
trouble…such a jealous boy. I told Prescott that those boys needed a mother
figure to ground them. A man doesn’t know how to raise children without the
balance of a woman.”

“Nana what do you know of their mothers?”

“Not much…Sebastian’s mother died during child birth…but
Charlie’s mother…she was shrewd of a woman and very married to another man. She
didn’t treat Charlie very well. I believe he has a younger sister roughly about
your age…his mother was very taken with the girl. Poor Charlie was never given
the same love then Prescott took him in. Prescott treated those boys equally;
the best he could.”

“Well the Vaihn brothers have no consequence in my life and
soon they’ll have what they wanted…father’s company; not that there’s much left
of it.” I grinned looking down to the floor.

“Good, then after that’s done…move on and away from it
all…live your life without this need for vengeance or these games. You’re
brilliant, beautiful, and still so young. Start building a life for yourself.”
she smiled offering her advice.
 
Advice I
should heed.