Home with My Sisters (31 page)

CHAPTER 33

“Who's this?” Josh asked, waving the photograph around like a lawyer discovering new evidence in court. The first kernels of popcorn had just begun to pop. The sizzle and scent filled the air.

Hope reached for the photograph. “Why don't we put that away,” she whispered.

“It's okay,” Austin said. He turned to Josh. “That's my brother. His name was Tommy.”

“Was?” Josh said, picking up on the tense right away.

“He died,” Austin said.

“Can I see?” Brittany said.

Hope wanted to tell them both to forget about it, but it wasn't her place. Josh took the photograph over to Brittany. Hope was watching Austin closely, but he didn't look at her. Instead he turned his concentration to the popcorn, shaking it as if someone's life depended on it.

“He's a kid too,” Brittany said.

“He was,” Austin said. “He was just a kid.”

“Where does he live?” Brittany asked. She obviously hadn't heard the earlier exchange. Hope wished she had remote controls that mute anyone in a flash. Now that would be a fantastic Christmas gift.

“He passed away three years ago,” Austin said.

“What happened?” Brittany cried. Josh took the picture back and studied it even closer.

“My brother took his own life,” Austin said. He said it calmly and matter-of-fact, although Hope could hear the heartbreak in his voice. She made a point not to stare at Josh.

“What?” Brittany said, near-panic in her voice. “Why?”

“I think the popcorn is done,” Hope said. The lid was being pushed up by the white fluffy kernels.

“I'll melt some butter,” Austin said. He brought butter and cans of Coke out of the fridge.

“Coke!” Brittany said. “Can we, Aunt Hope?”

“Mom would say no,” Josh said.

“It's a special night,” Hope said.

“I really only have it on very special occasions,” Austin said.

“Like close to Christmas,” Brittany said.

“Exactly,” Austin said.

“How did he do it?” Josh asked.

“Josh!” Hope said. She knew Austin was used to the subject and probably wanted Josh to have a reason to talk about it, but the admonishment was out of her mouth before she could stop it. Then hot flashes of guilt began to pulsate. “I'm sorry,” she said, not knowing whether she was talking to Austin or Josh.

“It's okay,” Austin said. He removed the popcorn from the burner and removed a large wooden bowl from the cabinet. He heaped the popcorn in the bowl and poured melted butter over it. Then he sat the bowl on the coffee table along with a roll of paper towels. “I'd be happy to talk to you about it in private,” Austin said to Josh. “I don't think the girls want all the details.”

“Is that why you work at a suicide prevention center?” Josh asked.

“It is,” Austin said. His eyes were kind and steady on Josh.

Josh looked at Hope. “Does she know?”

Austin nodded. “Normally it would be protected information, but you called my cell phone and I was worried.”

“It's okay,” Josh said. “I would never do it.”

“You tried it once!” Brittany cried out. Real fear was in her voice.

“I didn't mean it,” Josh said quickly.

“I was so scared,” Brittany said. She reached her buttery fingers out and after a minute Josh took her hand.

Hope reached over and took Josh's other hand. “I'm glad you called Austin,” she said. “It's healthy to talk about your feelings, and it's very healthy to reach out for help when you're overwhelmed.” She tried to keep her voice steady and light, although she wanted to burst into tears. Josh didn't pull his hand away, which was also a very good sign.

“I wouldn't do it, I wouldn't,” Josh said.

“You can't predict how you'll feel in the future,” Austin said. “But there is help. And if you ever need it, all you have to do is ask for it.”

“I just want my family to be happy and normal again.”

“Your mom and dad, and Brittany, and me, and Aunt Joy, we love you more than anything. If you're not okay, we're not okay. No matter what else is going on.”

“But we can't even enjoy Christmas,” Josh said.

“I'm enjoying it right now,” Hope said. “How about you, Brittany?”

“Yes!”

“Austin?”

“I'm like you, Josh,” Austin said. “I haven't enjoyed Christmas in a long time. But ever since you guys arrived—well, I'm finding myself enjoying it against my will.” He laughed and soon Josh joined in. Hope reached over and hugged Josh, then kissed his cheek.

“And if you ever need to call again and want it to be anonymous, just use the 1-800 number,” Austin said.

“Okay,” Josh said. “Or maybe I'll just talk to you guys.”

“Pain passes,” Austin said. “If I could say one thing to my brother it would be that pain passes.”

Josh nodded. “I know that,” he said. “I do.”

“I would just die if you died,” Brittany said.

“So would I,” Hope said.

“I know that now,” Josh said. “I do.”

“Let's eat, drink, and be merry,” Hope said. Austin gave each one of them a can of Coke and they turned their attention to the popcorn, and the soda, and the music.
He planted that picture there on purpose,
Hope thought. He was still keeping his eye on Josh, still keeping the conversation going. Hope wanted to throw her arms around Josh and pour her heart out. Tell him over and over again how they would all be scarred for life, and heartbroken forever if he ever did something like that. They'd never get over it. Just like Austin had never gotten over it. Life was challenging, and holidays could be stressful, but it was still worth fighting for. Family was worth fighting for. They were everything. She thought of Roger. Of all he'd missed out on. His girls. The love of his life. His life, period. She so wanted to tell Austin and the kids who he really was. They were going to be all right. No matter what, they were going to get through this.

“This is fun,” Brittany said.

Hope took her hand and held it. Then she reached over and took Josh's hand. She looked at Austin and smiled. “If I had a third hand I'd hold yours too,” she said.

“If you had a third hand I'd toss you out on your two feet,” Austin said. Josh threw his head back and laughed. Not just any laugh, but a deep belly laugh. It was the sound of a small miracle. Hope smiled and then felt tears rolling down her cheeks. Outside, snow began to fall.

* * *

When Hope, Josh, and Brittany were delivered back to the house, Stephen, Faith, and Yvette were playing Scrabble. Charlie was nowhere to be seen, ditto for Joy and Harrison. Hope asked of their whereabouts.

“Joy and her boy are with Roger,” Yvette said.
You mean your son.
Hope sighed, wanting to call her grandmother out, but also quite convinced it wouldn't lead anywhere positive. What in the world was Joy doing hanging around Roger so much all of a sudden? She couldn't possibly know who he was, so there had to be a motive. Hope was too tired tonight for any more drama, which was why she wasn't going to ask about Charlie.

“Where's Charlotte?” Brittany sang out.

“She was eager to get back downtown,” Faith said. “I told her how lovely everything is decorated for Christmas.”

“I want to go downtown,” Brittany said. “We have to start inviting everyone here for our Christmas celebration.”

“I already let a few know, darling. Believe me, the news has spread already. We'd better start planning the activities or we'll have three nights of the peasants revolting,” Yvette said. She sounded cheerier than usual.

“What?” Brittany said.

“We get to start planning so people don't complain,” Faith said.

“Skating, Christmas carols, all the lights,” Hope said. She walked up to the window. “I think Roger adds something new every day.” She fixated on a penguin holding a candle. When he was turned on, he glowed from within and slowly moved the candle up and down, like marching in a Christmas parade. The little flame at the top even flickered. She definitely hadn't seen that little guy before. He was adorable. Roger. She realized with a start that that's how she saw him, thought of him still, as Roger, not her father.

“Triple letter and triple word score,” Yvette sang out, setting down a word.

“Zelda?” Stephen said.

“She was quite the gal,” Yvette said. Stephen glanced at Faith.

“Her house, her rules,” the group called out. Yvette nodded.

“Zelda it is,” Stephen said.

“Can I steal Faith for a second?” Hope said. Yvette didn't even look at them or acknowledge their comments about having a private word with her.

“Want to play for your mom, Josh?” Stephen asked.

“Sure.” Josh took a seat in front of the Scrabble board. Faith put on the television for Brittany; she squealed when she found out
Rudolph
was playing. Hope planted a big kiss on her head; then she and Faith hurried to the mudroom to get their coats.

On their way to the cabin, Hope filled Faith in on their time with Austin, and how Josh told them he'd never try to take his own life again.

“I should be furious,” Faith said. “Austin should have told me the minute it happened.”

“He kept his eye on him until he was positive it was Josh. And the fact that he's talking about it is good news, Faith. It really is.”

“It's all my fault. Even if he didn't know the details, he knew something was wrong between me and Stephen. Kids know everything. Even when you think they don't.”

“Did he actually attempt to take his life?” Hope asked.

“He had a stash of sharp objects—razor, knife, and a piece of glass in a shoebox under his bed.”

“Oh no,” Hope said.

“At first he just said he liked collecting things that were sharp. I actually bought that one for a while.”

“And then?”

“And then I walked in one day and he was holding the piece of glass above his wrist, as if thinking about cutting himself. He'd already taken a few swipes—what he called
practice swipes
. None of them deep. But seeing that—it was the most horrifying moment of my entire life.”

Hope's heart broke open. The thought of Josh being in that much pain—and then the thought of him actually following through with it. Hope would give her life for her niece and nephew. She didn't want anything bad to ever happen to them. No wonder Faith was popping so much Xanax. If anything ever happened to either one of those precious children, it would be a life sentence for all of them. “Why didn't you tell me?”

“He was so mortified. I promised not to tell anyone. As long as he agreed to go to a counselor. I've been taking him to one ever since, but he's refused to talk. Austin has done more in this past week than anyone else.”

“He's a special guy,” Hope said.

“And you're falling for him,” Faith said.

“I won't deny that.”

Faith laughed and put her arm around Hope. “I approve. And I'm so relieved Josh is finally talking to someone, even if it's not me. Did he say why he was so upset? Is it all my fault?”

“He didn't put it together that Charlotte was Charlie if that's what you mean.”

“He's going to hate me.”

“No,” Hope said. “He's going to be surprised. Like I was. And Joy.”

“I was having such trouble admitting it to myself that I didn't tell anyone else,” Faith said. “I'm sorry.”

“I just want you to be happy,” Hope said.

“Why is Josh so sad? What did I do wrong?” Hope could hear Faith's heart breaking. God, life was difficult. No wonder everyone needed their family. Nobody should have to get through all these crazy things alone. Hope took her hand and squeezed it.

“I'm sure it's a combination of things. Including hormones and normal teenage angst. But I think it makes it doubly important that we all remind ourselves what really matters. Family.”

“Family,” Faith said. “Our father.”

“What happened with you, and Stephen, and Charlie?”

“It wasn't World War Three, but Stephen made it clear that until we're officially divorced and the children know about me and Charlie that he doesn't want us to see each other.”

“How did she take it?”

“Her feathers were ruffled, but that's just Charlie. I was the one who was relieved. I'm actually with Stephen on this one. I'd rather start with a clean slate. But the holidays were starting to make her nostalgic and romantic and she's hurt that I don't want to spend them with her—or can't spend them with her.”

“Did you always like women?” They were almost at Roger's cabin.

“That's a conversation for another time,” Faith said. “We've got to tell Joy who Roger really is before anyone else does.”

They approached the front door. The curtains were closed, but through the gaps Hope could see that Roger's lights were on and she could hear voices from within. She knocked. A few seconds later Joy opened the door. She didn't even crack it open wide enough for Hope to see Roger.

“Harrison,” Joy yelled. “Let's go.”

“What are you doing?” Hope said.

“Let us in,” Faith said.

“No, we're done here,” Joy said. She glared at her sisters. “Don't ruin this,” she hissed.

“Ruin what?” Hope said. “What are you doing?”