Hostage (34 page)

Sitting down on the bed next to him, Rowan put his arm around Astrin. Astrin stiffened but didn’t pull away.

“It’s okay. It’s only natural to feel like this after such a bad dream. It’s just the fear from the dream lingering, on top of all the other stress. Let yourself relax and you’ll feel much better. Maybe you should go take a shower—it would help relax you.”

Astrin turned his head to look at Rowan, and it seemed as though he was going to say something, but then he shook his head and sighed.

“Yeah, a shower sounds good.”

“I’ll go see if I can find us some clean clothes. Your shirt has a big hole in it.”

Astrin brought his shoulder forward and tried to look behind, tugging at the hole in his shirt. “Looks like my father did a good job.”

Rowan pulled apart the cut edges to examine the skin underneath. At first he was nervous, queasy about what had happened and what could have happened. The skin beneath the shirt was whole and healthy. There was no sign there had ever been a wound there.

“Yeah, he did a fantastic job. There’s no sign at all that anything happened. How does it feel?”

Astrin flexed his shoulder thoughtfully. “A little stiff. It doesn’t hurt.”

“Cool. A hot shower should help with the stiffness, and you really need to wash that stuff out of your hair. Purple isn’t your color.”

Astrin grinned a real grin for the first time and tried to run his hand through his hair. It stuck. “You’re right.”

W
HEN
A
STRIN
came out of the shower, the room was empty, for which he was glad. He sat down on the bed, leaning against the wall with his knees drawn up, wearing only a towel. He was mostly glad that Rowan wasn’t there, because he needed time to think.

He couldn’t get the events of the previous night out of his mind. First, there was that dream, if dream it was, and right now it didn’t feel like a dream at all. He knew dreams and he knew visions, and this felt far more like a vision than a dream. For now he would think of it as a dream. It was easier that way, not so scary—because not all dreams come true.

Far more important than the dream, though, was what had happened after. Astrin’s mind was filled with memories of lying in Rowan’s arms, of Rowan touching his face and gazing into his eyes. He thought about how safe he’d felt and how, by his mere presence, Rowan had taken away the fear and made him calm. There was a moment, just one moment when he’d almost… nearly….

Closing his eyes, he sighed deeply. Thinking made his head hurt and his stomach turn queasy. It was too much to cope with right now. Rowan was right. The whole thing had shaken him badly. And before that he’d been so ill. He realized he’d been pushing himself hard since the moment he’d first begun to come to his senses in the Heart of the North.

He sighed again. Maybe that was it. Maybe it was because they were safe now. Until now there had always been something else to think about, another step to take, each one riskier and scarier than the last. Maybe, because he’d stopped having to think about the next step, everything was catching up with him, and that was why he was having nightmares and feeling so strange. Or maybe not. Maybe it was something altogether different. It all kept coming back to Rowan.

Feeling suddenly very tired, he let his head fall back and his legs straighten in front of him, adjusting the towel so he remained… became, decent. His mind traveled over all the events that had led to this moment, and it had been quite a journey. So much had happened in such a short period of time, and every step, every memory was about Rowan.

Rowan angry and bitter. Rowan on the car journey. Rowan at the side of the stream with blood pooling under him and a fear so great that Astrin couldn’t contain it pouring through him at the sight. Rowan that night in the back of the car, when he’d almost… almost. That moment when he’d been drunk and almost… again. Rowan’s sincerity when he revealed his feelings the previous day. The same sick horror when Rowan was lying unconscious in the cell. The utter helplessness in Rowan’s eyes while he watched Strebo crushing him. And last night… last night when….

Astrin could have groaned aloud, but he was too tired. All the thoughts and memories blurred into one, and he slipped into sleep, staring into a vision of two dark eyes and a whispered voice:
“I love you.”

R
EVELATIONS

W
HEN
R
OWAN
went looking for Astrin and found him asleep on the bed, he couldn’t help but stand and stare. Astrin had slid down and was stretched out, barely decent with nothing more than a corner of the towel covering his hips. One arm was thrown up over his eyes, showing off to perfection the soft but serious definition of his musculature. His hair was again pale gold, and he was breathtaking: a sleeping angel.

Rowan wanted to touch Astrin so much that it ached. He wanted to kiss those luscious lips, just visible in the shadow of Astrin’s arm. He wanted to run his hands over the flat stomach… and most of all, he wanted to get rid of that towel. But of course he couldn’t do any of it, not now. Astrin was in a strange place, a hard place. He needed a friend—not more pressure, confusion, and pain. Rowan had made a promise, and he intended to keep it.

Looking around, Rowan picked up a blanket and covered Astrin to the waist. Astrin stirred and sighed but didn’t wake. After tenderly brushing the still-damp hair from Astrin’s face, Rowan put the clothes he’d been carrying on the floor in between the beds and left. He still wanted to kiss Astrin, so he felt it was probably best if he hastened out of temptation’s path.

W
HEN
A
STRIN
woke he was confused by the blanket. Then he saw the clothes and smiled before confusion again assailed him, when he wondered why Rowan had put the blanket over him. It wasn’t particularly cold. Could it have been because he’d been…? Had Rowan seen him naked? The thought was followed by another, even more disturbing one: Did he care?

Thrusting aside the thoughts with the blanket, he sat up and rubbed his eyes. They felt gritty and sore
.
Ah well, hopefully he’d get more sleep tonight. Perhaps he should drink some beer before bedtime, although that might not be a good idea, considering that he still had a lingering headache and beer tonight meant a worse one tomorrow.

After getting quickly dressed in the simple shirt and trousers and pulling on soft leather ankle boots, he ventured downstairs to see what was going on. Halfway down, the door opened and Rowan appeared. Astrin didn’t need to be told why Rowan was coming for him, since his nose had beat Rowan by at least twenty seconds.

“Lunch is served. Would my lord care to partake?”

Astrin looked down his nose and adopted a haughty air. “That would be ‘Your Highness’ to you.”

“Now
that’s
the Astrin Raphael I always pictured.”

Astrin laughed and lightly descended the last of the stairs. There was a merry atmosphere inside, with both Hersten and Charles engaging in animated conversation with someone or other. Neive was not there, for which Astrin was sorry. He’d intended to have a private conversation with her, but it could wait.

As he approached the table laid with an array of cold meats, cheeses, and crusty bread, with baskets of hot golden chips and plates of fruit, his nose twitched and his stomach growled.

“Ah, there you are, Astrin. I thought you were going to sleep all day, although I couldn’t really blame you if you did. You had quite a day yesterday.”

“Mm, you could say that. I hope you left some lunch for me. I’m starving.”

Hersten laughed. “That’s my boy. It’s a wonder you aren’t the size of an elephant, from the amount you eat.”

“I’ve mentioned the same thing to him myself once or twice.” Rowan grinned, and Astrin punched him in the shoulder with a mock-insulted expression on his face.

“How’s that shoulder of yours today? Do you want me to take a look?”

“Not really.” Astrin flexed it, experimentally. “It feels fine. It was a little stiff, but since I had a shower, it’s pretty much back to normal.”

“Excellent. I’ll give it a quick check-over later, but it seems fully healed. That will disappoint Strebo, no doubt.”

Astrin laughed, but inside he shivered, remembering the huge arms and their crushing embrace, then the terrible look on the man’s face before the sickening impact of the blade. What happened after hadn’t been a picnic, either. The shiver made its way out in a deep shudder, and suddenly he wasn’t so hungry anymore.

Don’t be ridiculous,
he thought.
You’re being foolish and allowing yourself to become maudlin. Pull yourself together.
Plastering a smile on his face, he piled his plate with food and forced himself to eat while engaging in meaningless and banal conversation.

It didn’t take long for them all to realize Neive had been right when she said the allure of safety and comfort would soon wear off when they comprised two rooms with no open windows and no air.

Although people came and went through the day, there were always at least seven people in the meeting room, which made it hot, stuffy, and sometimes smelly. Upstairs wasn’t much better since that was where the toilet was.

By the time it started to get dark, Astrin was desperate for fresh air. He sat huddled in the corner, trying not to think about it, but at that point he’d have given just about anything to take a walk to the corner and back. The stuffiness in particular was driving him mad, even more so than the boredom, because the headache that had been plaguing him all day was getting worse and making him so grouchy and snappy that no one wanted to talk to him.

Astrin stared at the window and wished it were open. He’d already asked three times and had been told firmly “no” as it posed too much of a risk that someone passing by would have their attention drawn by a voice, a word, or a sound. And so they remained locked behind the shutters like prisoners in a tower. It might as well have been a tower, since they couldn’t see outside. They could look out of the windows upstairs, but that only gave them a view of the wall across the street and a narrow strip of pavement.

Feeling thoroughly miserable, Astrin barely perked up when dinner was served. It was as good as it had always been and made even better by the simultaneous arrival of Neive. She was closemouthed about how the plans for moving on were going and also somewhat smug that her predictions of stir-craziness were already coming true.

The talk got noisy and animated, causing Astrin to retreat even further into his shell. Even Rowan avoided him, having been on the sharp end of his bad mood more than once.

Noticing he wasn’t eating, Neive put some food on a tray and took it over.

“Not in the mood for joining in today?”

“No.”

“I thought you might be hungry.”

“Thanks.” Astrin took the plate and picked listlessly at the food.

“What’s wrong?”

“What makes you think anything’s wrong?”

“Oh, I don’t know, it could be that your personality changed overnight, or maybe that Rowan has been throwing you panicked looks.”

Astrin pushed his food around his plate a little. Then he looked up with a frown on his face.

“I had a dream last night.”

“Oh, yes? A bad one?”

“Yes.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No, it’s not that.”

“Then what is it? You’re not making this easy for me, you know.”

“It’s Rowan.” Neive raised her eyebrows but said nothing, waiting for him to continue. Eventually he sighed and tilted his head back, resting his cheek against the wall at his side. “I’m confused.”

“What are you confused about?”

“When he…. When he told me how he felt, I was… I knew that I didn’t….” He closed his eyes again, wishing the headache would go away so he could think clearly.

“Now you’re not so sure?”

“No. Not sure at all.”

“What makes you so unsure? What is it about what you’re feeling that’s unclear?”

He thought for a moment. “Well…. He said he loves me.”

“No, Astrin. I asked what it is about
your
feelings that’s unclear… not Rowan’s.”

Opening his eyes, Astrin frowned at her. “I know I love him… as a friend,” he hastened to add, “but he wants more, and I don’t know if that’s what I want. I don’t know if I can.”

“Tell me how he makes you feel.”

“I don’t understand.”

“How did you feel when he was hurt, back in the prison?”

“How did I feel? I felt as if there was nothing more important in the whole world than to make him well again and everything else be damned. I felt….” He paused and bit his lip. “I felt that if he died, nothing would ever be right again.”

“And how did you feel when you fell asleep in his arms last night?” Astrin glanced up sharply, making her laugh. “Did you think no one would notice?”

“Maybe not.”

“So, how did you feel?”

“Safe. Completely safe.”

“And how would you feel if Rowan stopped loving you? If he went away and never came back? If you never saw him again?”

Alarmed by the thought, Astrin looked up and met Rowan’s eyes. Rowan had been deep in conversation with his uncle, but he had immediately felt the gaze and turned toward Astrin. Their eyes met, and Rowan’s sparked into life. The smile on his face was so bright, it lit up the room, and revealed his emotions as clearly as if Rowan had spent an hour explaining them. Astrin flushed and turned dazed eyes to Neive.

“I can’t imagine my life without him.”

Neive patted Astrin’s arm. “It doesn’t sound to me as if you’re confused at all.”

Astrin shook his head, his dazed expression deepening. “I….” He grinned suddenly. “I suppose… not.”

“Well, then, it isn’t me you should be talking to.”

Astrin looked up again, and again Rowan raised his eyes to meet him. This time, Rowan seemed a little concerned.