Hot Laps (40 page)

“Where is Casten?” Jameson asked me, like I should know.

I probably should. I was in his hotel room early this morning but got hungry and headed
down to the lobby to find food. Today was the first day of the Chili Bowl Midget Nationals,
I was a day over my due date and angry about that. If anyone was going to stay pregnant
longer than necessary, it’d be me.

I was so angry about it I started eating everything in sight. Comforting in a way,
but fuck was I as big as a house already.

Jameson forced me to go get Casten so we could be at the Tulsa Expedition Center by
ten.

Casten was sleeping when I got in there, or at least I thought he was so I tried to
help by getting his clothes in his bag. The rest of his gear was strung out all over
the place in one central location. I swore he didn’t know how to pick up anything.
Little bastard was not fun to live with. However, he was better than Adam and so much
better looking.

I had just gotten most of his stuff together when I noticed he moved, his legs shifting
under the covers as he groaned.

Did he know I was in here?

Maybe not.

I peeked my head up just slightly, enough so I could see his hand moving below the
blankets further south past his waist.

Holy shit.

I was invading on his privacy, right? I should leave?

I couldn’t move though. It was so goddamn erotic, and my hormones were all over the
place to begin with, so I stayed.

With each stroke, his eyes closed, squinted and then his brow scrunched as he worked
his hand up and down.

It was the hottest goddamn thing I’d ever seen. Even more than the sex with his helmet
on.

Then, I moved toward him, crawling on all fours to peek over the side for a better
view when he scared the shit out of me. “Are you gonna help me out or what?”

Jesus!

I nearly jumped through the roof.

I had no words but I had never flew at anyone like that. It was if I was a jungle
monkey. I don’t even remember removing my shorts and t-shirt.

On all fours, belly hanging down over him I was poised and ready ripping the covers
away. He was hard, laughing, and his strong hands were already guiding me down on
him. His left hand was on the back of my neck, pulling my kiss to his, his other gripping
my hips and rolling me the way he wanted.

“Did you enjoy that, pretty girl?” he asked, never leaving my lips.

“Oh. Fucking. Yeah.”

I think I’ve said this before and if I haven’t, I’m saying it now. Pregnant sex is
amazing. Once I got over the fact that my belly was huge, it became incredibly erotic
and the way Casten was so gentle with me made me realize what exactly I was missing
and loved about being with him.

Before, I fucked just because I wanted to be close to someone and forget that I didn’t
have a lot of love growing up. Family issues, I guess.

Then I got pregnant and fell for an engine builder. Sex suddenly had meaning. A sense
of belonging and more than just the physical contact.

Everything Casten did made me feel special.

Planting a wet kiss on my shoulder, he moved inside of me, worshiping and loving in
the ways only he does. Just as I was about to explode, he would pull back and smile,
leaving me on the edge.

“Stop doing that,” I said after the fourth time, ready to punch him.

“Pretty girl …” he drawled out, pushing inside of me again and again. Leaning forward
as much as he could, he kissed along my collarbone. “If I stop, and then go again,
I’m only testing your torque, remember?”

He’s referring to his frequent engine terms and the time he explained what the dynamometer
does.

“We don’t have time for that. Just fuck me.”

He gazed down at me and his hand traveled down my inner thigh that was spread out
before him. I turned away, nervous when he looked at me like that, but he wouldn’t
allow it. “Don’t turn away,” he told me, turning my gaze back to his. “I love the
way you look … it’s a beautiful thing.”

When I first told Casten I was pregnant, it came as a complete surprise for the both
of us. I think I struggled more than he did, mainly because he could drink and claimed
he did his best thinking while drunk, and I couldn’t.

While drinking, he came to the conclusion that this baby, our mistake, had led to
a beautiful thing and was worth it. I agreed we were worth it, and these last nine
months had been amazing.

It didn’t stop the fact that I still had some moments when I wasn’t so sure. Like
now. I was huge, laid out before him and when I looked down, all I saw was my belly
in the way and felt my double chin.

There’s moments I have when I feel like there’s going to be a dam that opens. One
that releases all this anxiety and fear I have about this.

I’m afraid of so many things and times like this, being vulnerable, him above me,
watching me, it’s when it’s the strongest for me.

Casten moved, lying us both on our sides with him behind me and then angled my legs
to enter me, one hand on my right hip, the other with a firm grasp in my hair. I loved
this position, I could feel his heart beating against my back and his hot heavy breath
on my neck.

It started out slow and torturous again when I think he realized I couldn’t take it
any longer. His right hand that was on my hip moved between my legs and finally pushed
me over the edge.

I felt his movements speed and then the gentle little grunt he let out as his body
trembled against mine when he came.

As he laid there, breathing heavy and wrapped around me, he noticed my tears.

He shifted, not letting go of me but moving me so he could see my face. Curled on
our sides he pulled the blanket up over our heads as if we were in the fuck fort again.

“What’s wrong, pretty girl?” he asked, trying to hide the sadness in his own eyes.
He hated it when I cried. “Why are you sad?”

Using the corner of the pillow case I wiped my tears away. The ones I missed, Casten
wiped away with his thumb.

I nod, my sobs easing. “Just scared. I want this baby out of me and I’m afraid once
I have it, you might look at me differently. I know your mom said my vagina will go
back down but it’s a valid fear to have.”

He started laughing at me. Casten knew damn well my concerns regarding having a baby,
and how we would deal with it together were creating a distance between us. I was
nervous. He knew that and by me telling him I was concerned about my vagina size,
he knew it had more to do with my issues. He gets me in ways I don’t understand.

Casten shook his head. “You’re going to do fine. This baby will come when it’s good
and ready. Don’t rush it.” I frowned at his response and he sighed. “It’s natural
to be scared. I’m scared, too.” He winked. “We’ll be just fine.”

“How can you be so sure of yourself all the time?”

He rolled his eyes and leaned back to roll onto his back staring at the ceiling. “I’m
not sure about everything. I’m about to race four nights straight in a race both my
brother and dad have won at my age,” he swallowed and then closed his eyes. “That’s
heavy.”

“You’re scared?”

He snorted and then turned his head to look at me, scrutinizing me closely, his eyes
anxious. Then he nodded slowly. “I didn’t think I would be. But I am.”

Resting my head back on the pillow, I tucked my hands under my cheek enjoying his
hand that’s now rubbing my belly softly. “I’m scared to race, I’m scared to be a dad,
and I’m scared that I won’t be what you need. There’s a lot of shit I’m scared of
…” he paused, winking and then rolled to kiss my lips gently. Then he pulled back,
his lips about an inch from mine and shook his head, as if he didn’t have the answer.
“I never know if anything is going to be okay. Ryder once told me he just knows how
to go fast and turn left. I think that goes for anything in life. You know how to
go fast and turn left. Sometimes right might be the answer, but you go with what your
gut tells you.”

Casten is very much like his father whether people want to believe it or not. There’s
a deeper meaning to the men in his family and their way of thinking. They say and
do things that may not make sense to others, but it’s the difference between them
and everyone else that makes them some of the most magnificent and magical men I’ve
ever had the pleasure of knowing.

Flag Man – The person standing at or above the start/finish line who signals the drivers
with a series of flags.

I got a lot of advice that morning of the final race at Chili Bowl Nationals. I’d
battled for three nights straight and now here I was getting ready for the final night
in the Chili Bowl.

Was I scared?

You bet I was. Scared to the point I couldn’t even eat the night before the race.

“You’re running hot laps, Casten.” Dad said, running his hand over the side of my
car and the number four I was sporting in honor of Ryder. “You’ve got the speed. You’ve
tested the lines. At some point you gotta move onto time trials and see how well you
stack up against the pack.”

He wasn’t just talking about the race. He was talking about me. My life and where
it was heading.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him watching Hayden and my mom as they sat with
my grandma in the hauler, all laughing.

“There’s a lot we take for granted in this world, Casten. I know how smart you are.
I know you’ve got your head on your shoulders and it’s all good fun. Most people would
be better off having an attitude more like yours,” he mused, his own private memories
seemed to flash in his eyes. “But I bet you can’t tell me what it’s like to have to
fight to get from paycheck to paycheck like Hayden does. You’ve never had to and probably
never will. You know what it’s like to have sex, yeah, but have you ever made love
to a woman? Have you ever felt so close to a woman you feel her heart beating in your
chest?” He glanced up at me for some sort of reaction. I didn’t have one because he
was absolutely right.

That seemed to sadden my dad.

He knew I didn’t need a lecture but if you ever truly listen to my dad, which I seldom
did, he told you straight up if you were fucking up. He got that from Grandpa Jimi.

“Once you’re a father,” he looked to Arie who was standing with Easton and Axel, and
smiled, “you’re life takes on a different meaning.”

My eyes went to Hayden again wearing a sweatshirt my Aunt Emma had made up that said:
In loving memory of Ryder Christensen.

He was the reason I wanted to race here. This was his favorite race of the year because
it was a race where he was finally able to race with his friends like Justin and my
dad.

Now here I was in a replica car of Ryder’s that he ran here, running the same number
for Ryder, and racing in his honor.

Dad turned to me again, his eyes almost misty. “You’re doing a good thing here, buddy.
He’d be proud of you. I’m proud of you.”

Dad was never shy to give you chops when you needed them. When he did, you knew you
earned it though. I knew that much.

“You’re the same age I was when I raced this for the first time.” He mused, watching
the crowd gather around my brother signing autographs in front of us with Jack on
his shoulders.