Hot Six (4 page)

Hot Six

Page: 17

Simon rolled his eyes. "Oh, crap. "

"You see, Carol was coming out of the Frederick's of Hollywood store, and she was flustered because she'd just gotten some sexy panties. "

"Is this going to be embarrassing?"

"Do you get embarrassed easily?"

"What's the point to all this, anyway?"

"I was hoping you'd drop the charges. "

"No way!"

I sat down in the chair by his desk. "I'd consider it a special favor. Carol's a friend. And I had to talk her off a bridge this morning. "

"Over panties?"

"Just like a man, " I said, eyes narrowed. "I knew you wouldn't understand. "

"Hey, I'm Mr. Sensitivity. I read The Bridges of Madison County. Twice. "

I gave him a doe-eyed, hopeful look. "So you'll let her off the hook?"

"How far off the hook do I have to let her?"

"She doesn't want to go to jail. She's worried about the out-in-the-open-bathroom part. "

He bent forward and thunked his head on the desk. "Why me?"

"You sound like my mother. "

"I'll make sure she doesn't go to jail, " he said. "But you owe me. "

"I'm not going to have to come over and dress you, am I? I'm not that kind of girl. "

"Live in fear. "

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I left Simon and went back downstairs. Vinnie was there, but no Moon Man.

"Where is he?" Vinnie wanted to know. "I thought you said he was here at the back door. "

"He was! I told him to wait on the bench by the docket lieutenant. "

We both looked over at the bench. It was empty.

Andy Diller was working the desk. "Hey, Andy, " I said. "Do you know what happened to my skip?"

"Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. "

We canvassed the first floor, but Moon didn't turn up.

"I've gotta get back to the office, " Vinnie said. "I've got stuff to do. "

Talk to his bookie, play with his gun, shake hands with Mr. Stumpy.

We went out the door together and found Moon standing in the parking lot, watching my car burn. There were a bunch of cops with extinguishers working on it, but things didn't look too hopeful. A fire truck rolled down the street, lights flashing, and pulled through the chain-link gate.

"Hey, man, " Moon said to me. "Real shame about your car. That's mad crazy, dude. "

"What happened?"

"I was sitting there on the bench waiting for you, and I saw Reefer walk by. You know Reefer? Well, anyway, Reefer just got let out of the tank, and his brother was coming to pick him up. And Reefer said why didn't I come out to say hello to his brother. So I walked out with Reefer, and you know Reefer always has good weed, so one thing led to another, and I thought I'd just relax in your car for a minute and have a smoke. I guess a pod must have jumped, because the next thing your seat was on fire. And then it kind of spread from there. It was glorious until these gentlemen hosed it. "

Glorious. Unh. I wondered if Moon would think it was glorious if I choked him until he was dead.

"I'd like to stay around and toast some marshmallows, " Vinnie said, "but I need to get back to the office. "

"Yeah, and I'm missing Hollywood Squares, " Moon said. "We need to conclude our business, dude. "

IT WAS CLOSE to four when I made the final arrangements for the car to get towed away. I'd been able to salvage a tire iron and that was about it. I was outside in the lot, pawing through my shoulder bag for my cell phone, when the black Lincoln pulled up.

"Tough luck with the car, " Mitchell said.

"I'm getting used to it. It happens to me a lot. "

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"Actually, I just called a friend, and he's going to come pick me up. "

"That's a big fat lie, " Mitchell said. "You been standing here for an hour and you haven't called anyone. I bet your mother wouldn't like it if she knew you were telling lies. "

"Better than me getting into this car with you, " I said. "That'd give her a heart attack. "

Mitchell nodded. "You got a point. " The tinted window slid shut, and the Lincoln rolled out of the lot. I found my phone and called Lula at the office.

"BOY, IF I had a nickel for every car you destroyed I'd be able to retire, " Lula said when she picked me up.

"It wasn't my fault. "

"Hell, it's never your fault. It's one of them karma things. You're a number ten on the Bad-Shit-O-Meter when it comes to cars. "

"I don't suppose you've got any news on Ranger?"

"Only that Vinnie gave the file to Joyce. "

"Was she happy?"

"Had an orgasm right there in the office. Connie and me had to excuse ourselves so we could go throw up. "

Joyce Barnhardt is a fungus. When we were in kindergarten together she used to spit in my milk carton. When we were in high school she started rumors and took secret photos in the girls' locker room. And before the ink had even dried on my marriage certificate I found her bare-assed with my husband (now my ex-husband) on my brand-new dining room table.

Anthrax was too good for Joyce Barnhardt.

"Then a funny thing happened to Joyce's car, " Lula said. "While she was in the office talking to Vinnie, someone drove a screwdriver into her tire. "

I raised my eyebrows.

"Was an act of God, " Lula said, putting her red Firebird in gear and punching on the sound system, which could shake the fillings out of your teeth.

She took North Clinton to Lincoln and then Chambers. When she dropped me in my lot, there was no sign of Mitchell and Habib.

"You looking for someone?" she wanted to know.

"Two guys in a black Lincoln were following me earlier today, hoping I'd find Ranger for them. I don't see them now. "

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"Do you think he killed Homer Ramos?"

"I could see him killing Ramos, but I can't see him burning down a building. And I can't see him being stupid. "

"Like getting caught on a security camera. "

"Ranger had to know there were security cameras. That building's owned by Alexander Ramos. And Ramos just don't go around leaving the lid off the cookie jar. He had offices in that building. I know on account of I did a house call there once while I was working at my former profession. "

Lula's former profession was being a ho', so I didn't ask for details on the house call.

I left Lula and swung through the double glass doors that led to the small lobby of my apartment building. I live on the second floor, and I had a choice of stairs or elevator. I chose the elevator today, having exhausted myself watching my car burn.

I let myself into my apartment, hung up my shoulder bag and jacket, and peeked in on my hamster, Rex. He was running on his wheel in his glass aquarium, his little feet a pink blur against the red plastic.

"Hey, Rex, " I said. "How's things?"

He paused for a moment, whiskers twitching, eyes bright, waiting for food to drop from the sky. I gave him a raisin from the box in the refrigerator and told him about the car. He stuffed the raisin into his cheek and returned to his running. If it was me I'd have eaten the raisin right off and opted for a nap. I don't understand this running-for-fun stuff. The only way I could really get into running would be if I was being chased by a serial mutilator.

I checked my message machine. One message. No words. Just breathing. I hoped it was Ranger's breathing. I listened to it again. The breathing sounded normal. Not pervert breathing. Not head-cold breathing. Could have been telephone-solicitor breathing.

I had a couple hours before the chicken arrived, so I went across the hall and knocked on my neighbor's door.

"What?" Mr. Wolesky yelled, above the roar of his TV.

"I was wondering if I could borrow your paper. I had an unfortunate mishap with my car, and I thought I'd check out the used-car section of the classifieds. "

"Again?"

"It wasn't my fault. "

He handed me the paper. "If I was you, I'd be looking at army surplus. You should be driving a tank. "

I took the paper back to my apartment and read the car ads and the funnies. I was pondering my horoscope when the phone rang.

"Is your grandmother there?" my mother wanted to know.

"No. "

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"She probably went to visit one of her friends. "

"I tried Betty Szajak and Emma Getz but they haven't seen her. "

My doorbell rang and my heart went dead in my chest. I looked out my peephole. It was Grandma Mazur.

"She's here!" I whispered to my mother.

"Thank goodness, " my mother said.

"No. Not thank goodness. She has a suitcase!"

"Maybe she needs a vacation from your father. "

"She's not living here!"

"Well, of course not . . . But maybe she could just visit with you for a day or two until things calm down. "

"No! No, no, no. "

The doorbell rang again.

"She's ringing my doorbell, " I said to my mother. "What should I do?"

"For goodness' sakes, let her in. "

"If I let her in, I'm doomed. It's like inviting a vampire into your house. Once you invite them in, that's it, you're as good as dead!"

"This isn't a vampire. This is your grandmother. "

Grandma pounded on the door. "Hello?" she called.

I hung up and opened the door.

"Surprise, " Grandma said. "I've come to live with you while I look for an apartment. "

"But you live with Mom. "

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"I only have one bedroom. "

"I can sleep on the couch. I'm not fussy when it comes to sleeping. I could sleep standing up in a closet if I had to. "

"But what about Mom? She'll be lonely. She's used to having you around. " Translation: What about me? I'm used to not having anybody around.

"I suppose that's true, " Grandma said. "But she's just gonna have to make her own life. I can't keep livening that house up. It's too much of a strain. Don't get me wrong, I love your mother, but she can be a real wet blanket. And I haven't got a lot of time to waste. I've probably only got about thirty more years before I start to slow down. "

Thirty years would put Grandma well over a hundredand me at sixty, if I didn't die on the job.

Someone gave a light rap on my door. Morelli was here early. I opened the door, and he got halfway through the foyer before spotting Grandma.

"Grandma Mazur, " he said.

"Yep, " she answered. "I'm living here now. Just moved in. "

The corners of Morelli's mouth twitched up ever so slightly. Jerk.

"Was this a surprise move?" Morelli asked.

I took the bucket of chicken from him. "Grandma got into it with my father. "

"Is that chicken?" Grandma asked. "I can smell it all the way over here. "

"Plenty for everyone, " Morelli told her. "I always get extra. "

Grandma pushed past us, into the kitchen. "I'm starved. All this moving gave me an appetite. " She looked into the bag. "Are those biscuits, too? And coleslaw?" She grabbed some plates from the cabinet and ran them out to the dining room table. "Boy, this is gonna be fun. I hope you've got beer. I feel like having a beer. "

Morelli was still grinning.

For some time now, Morelli and I had been engaged in an off-again-on-again romance. Which is a nice way of saying we occasionally shared a bed. And Morelli wasn't going to think this was so funny when the occasional overnighter turned to no overnighters at all.

"This is going to put a crimp in our plans for the evening, " I whispered to Morelli.

"We just need to change the address, " he said. "We can go to my house after dinner. "

"Forget your house. What would I tell Grandma? 'Sorry, I'm not sleeping here tonight, because I have to go do the deed with Joe'?"

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"I can't say that. It would make me feel icky. "

"Icky?"

"My stomach would get squishy. "

"That's silly. Your grandma Mazur wouldn't mind. "

"Yes, but she'd know. "

Morelh looked pained. "This is one of those woman things, isn't it?"

Grandma was back in the kitchen, getting glasses. "Where are your napkins?" she asked.

"I don't have any, " I told her.

She stared at me blank-faced for a moment, unable to comprehend a house with no napkins.

"There are napkins in the bag with the biscuits, " Morelli said.

Grandma peeked into the bag and beamed. "Isn't he something, " she said. "He even brings the napkins. "

Morelli rocked back on his heels and gave me a look that told me I was a lucky duck. "Always prepared, " Morelli said.

I rolled my eyes.

"That's a cop for you, " Grandma said. "Always prepared. "

I sat across from her and grabbed a piece of chicken. "It's the Boy Scouts who are always prepared, " I said. "Cops are always hungry. "

"Now that I'm going off on my own I've been thinking I should get a job, " Grandma said. "And I've been thinking maybe I'd get a job as a cop. What do you think?" she asked Morelli. "You think I'd make a good cop?"

"I think you'd make a great cop, but the department has an age limit. "

Grandma pressed her lips together. "Don't that tear it. I hate those darn age limits. Well, I guess that just leaves being a bounty hunter. "

I looked to Morelli for help, but he was keeping his eyes glued to his plate.

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"I've been planning on getting one of them anyway, " she said. "First thing tomorrow I'm signing up for driving school. I've even got a car. Your uncle Sandor left me that Buick and since you aren't using it anymore I guess I'll give it a try. It's a pretty good-looking car. "

Shamu with wheels.

When the chicken bucket was empty Grandma pushed back from the table. "Let's get things cleaned up, " she said, "and then we can watch a movie. I stopped off at the video store on my way over. "

Grandma fell asleep halfway through The Terminator, sitting on the couch ramrod straight, head dropped to her chest.

"Probably I should leave, " Morelli said. "Let you two girls get things straightened out. "

I walked him to the door. "Is there any word on Ranger?"

"Nothing. Not even a rumor. "

Sometimes no news was good news. At least he hadn't floated in with the tide.

Morelli pulled me to him and kissed me, and I felt the usual tingle in the usual places. "You know my number, " he said. "And I don't give a rat's ass what anyone thinks. "

I WOKE UP on my couch with a stiff neck and feeling cranky. Someone was clanking around in my kitchen. Didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out who.

"Isn't this a terrific morning?" Grandma said. "I got pancakes started. And I got the coffee on. "

Okay, maybe it wasn't so bad having Grandma here.

She stirred the pancake batter. "I thought we could get going early today, and then maybe you could take me out for a driving lesson. "

Thank God my car had burned to a cinder. "I don't have a car right now, " I said. "There was an accident. "

"Again? What happened this time. Torched? Bombed? Flattened?"

I poured myself a cup of coffee. "Torched. But it wasn't my fault. "

"You've got a pip of a life, " Grandma said. "Never a dull moment. Fast cars, fast men, fast food. I wouldn't mind having a life like that. "

She was right about the fast food.

"You didn't get a paper this morning, " Grandma said. "I went and looked in the hall and all your neighbors got papers but you didn't get one. "